Alex

I know.. I know!! This is too late.. I mean, my graduation day was 2 years ago. But I’m posting this anyway. I just wanted to share to you guys a little experience of excitement and joy in my graduation day! lol. We all know that this year (2020) is experiencing pandemic and uncontrollably accidents worldwide. So on a positive note, I am here throwing back some good memories that I had.

So last 2018, our last year in college, most of us in my block are having practicum or on-the-job training. We were split by different companies (hotels & restaurants). While some are having academics (because their practicums were done). But for me and my guy friends, we took our OJT in one of the lowkey hotels in Tagaytay. We were designated in a restaurant that is part of the hotel. What we do there was cooking, making production, plating, and even had little game competitions inside the kitchen (that was so much fun)! It started in February and ended in May. I remember that it was a drizzling hot summer weather inside the kitchen that I was wishing badly (everyday) that this duty will end early. I’m so bad! Hahahaha.

But all in all, it was a roller-coaster kind of a thing. Met new friends, discovered a lot, gained a little confidence, felt freedom (wow), independency, and a lot more.

During our training, we ran errands from time to time in our school and offices. We managed to multi-task and made things done before deadlines. We did graduation photoshoots, clearance (from our company and school), completing requirements and I cannot remember what we did one by one specifically just to ensure that we completed requirements and ready to graduate. Because yeah, all of these were our parents’ dreams. And I cannot afford to repeat school and see my parents working hard just to gain this achievement.

Well moving forward, we are officially graduates of Lyceum!

Here are some photos for you to see how happy we were!!!

Baccalaureate Mass

and Graduation Day!

These are some of many photos that I took. It’s my good memories. Not so old but all so good. And from that day I stepped out from the life of a student and no more jokes about it. I remember I was really worried and nervous about how my career will go. But I learned that if you trust God in the process, you will eventually notice that this is the best that God has been planning on you. And honestly, up until now, I have no idea where to start again accomplishing skills and ideas and appearance for the employers to love me and hire me. Because this year of pandemic, I lost my job. Hotels and restaurants in our land had to close and left with no option because we are no work and no pay. It’s really sad. But this is for another blog so.. keep it posted guys! Uhmm, byeee!

I do not intend to make you feel sad or feel negatively because of what’s happening today. But to make you cheer up (hopefully), here’s a photo of my dog with his tongue out! 

God knows how much I love you. How much you gave hope to me and made me realize that I am deserved to be loved again. I just don’t know how to express towards you evenly because all of my actions of love are always “too much” that it scares me when time will come that you are being confident for leaving me anytime because you know it to yourself that I’ll surely follow you, no matter what. It’s unexpected that I’m loving you despite of my brokenness. But you just filled my whole heart with love. And of course, not everything comes to having butterflies in stomach. There were and will be times that we are having misunderstandings that leads to fight to the point that we were throwing unnecessary words to each other. There were times that I hurt you. And there were times that pride embraces your heart, your mind and your whole-being.

But honey, sometimes let me be the winner against your pride. Please choose me over the huge wall stuck in your heart that is not letting me in. I’m tired of those small words that let my heart sink in the world of chaffy. I’m sick of all blues. I’m tired of waiting for you to apologize or message me that causes me to fall asleep. Falling asleep in tears. In crying. In asking myself several questions “Why is this happening? Why am I..” 

I know I give you pain sometimes. But if it was you that is wrong, you’re blind to see who is wrong and not doing the right thing. You always believe that every mistake in this world is because of you. And that causes your pride to grow. Grow and grow until I cannot see your lonely heart.  Until I cannot touch your heart to be healed again. 

My love, you are wrong. Pride doesn’t protect you. Pride doesn’t make you a worthy person. You thought pride gives you life? No. Because life is for the people who are wounded, sinners, broken, became monsters and such. Yet pride is a thing that takes you for granted. Pride is just for the people who can’t accept themselves. It goes anywhere to anyone. But you have a weapon against it. Please, use it. Use it so you can no longer trapped in anxiety, depression, stress just like what you’re giving to the person who loves you. It is called love. Choose love against pride, my dear. No matter what you’re going through. No matter how much you are hurting. No matter how heavy you carry with your heart. No matter how some people around you drags you down. Don’t take pride as your weapon. Just please, choose love. So you may able to see what would be the beautiful things to happen. To feel that you’re free because the weak “you” is just hiding behind that pride. So you may able to see the heartache that the person who loves you so much suffers.

I’m waiting for the day that you will realize the things you did. That you will value me as much as you value your pride. I’m waiting for the day that you will follow me somewhere and hear the words “I’m sorry” sincerely. 

But if that day won’t come. The same questions will embrace me in every way. “Why is this happening? Why am I so worthless? Why am I not being valued?” I will just feel sorry to myself. Because I don’t always win to you. I am always a loser. A worthless lonely girl whose nobody claims to be with. That maybe, and maybe, my life belongs to no one.

Hi.

I just want to thank you for the almost 2 years that we spend to each other. Thank you for all the laughing, crying, annoying, heart to heart moments that we shared. Thank you for keeping me as myself even though you hurt me at many times. Thank you for building a huge patience and understanding and maturity in me. For leaving with a lesson. I admit that it’s very hard for me to accept the fact that you’re not my right man. And letting all our memories and love go. And lastly, to move on. To move forward. It’s really hard to move on. I remember you at most things. I’m longing at your voice, your face, your love. Yes, you gave pain to me so bad. It’s my first time to be hurt like this and to love a guy like this.

But honestly, it’s all worth it.

I don’t want to regret the relationship I had with you. God is in His control. He allowed this to happen because of me. Because He wants me to learn the things I should learn. To stand at my own feet. To be strong and to cope with the struggles I had never experienced. I loved you. And that was it. Because I chose to let you go and set a new beginning for me. With Him. I know you were hurt too. But that doesn’t mean that you’ll stop doing the things you did to me before. You’re just hurt and that was it. I was the one who wants to change you. But I am not the one who will change you. And I am not here to stay with you. To stay with all of your flaws. Your best and your worst. I believe that there is someone for you. Again, God is in His control.

And I believe that you’re not the one who will marry me and make promises to God for eternal life. You’re not the one who will stay with me along the journey. We are just meant to be together but not meant to be forever. And thank you for that.

Because I found the one who understands me. A man with full of respect to me. A man with dignity and maturity. A man who values God at all times and aspects. A man who treats me like a precious gift. A man who gave his sweetest poems and realistic words. And a man who loves all of me. All of my flaws. Even though I was a trash. I was weak. I was a sinful little girl. But he loves me anyway at everything I do and say. A man that’s not like you.

And thank you for that. Because of you, a better me meets him with love. A greater love that He gave for the two of us. And I thank Him because I won’t be here if I don’t choose to let “us” go. 

And lastly,

Hey, you’ll understand all of these that happened to your life, one day. 

Sincerely,

 me

Yep, at first it’s very hard to accept the fact that the person you used to love, walked away. Hurt you. And sometimes, gave you pain in the a**. And in the heart. But it is more painful to hold on to something that is never be a worth value to yourself any longer. So you have left with no choice but to.. let go.

Letting go. One of the most painful thing you’ll ever heard. And I know everyone experienced this even in the smallest thing they let go. But you can’t move forward to your life if you can’t make this step. Things will never work out if you’re still stuck in that toxic point of your life. And in this, you will see the value of every little thing than you ever see before. The things you missed and the things you definitely love. You will embrace them as much as you embraced the one/thing you let go.

And believe everyone who says good things to you. Especially ones who never leave you at your best and at your worst. Believe what He promised. And He just allowed these things to happen for you to be stronger than yesterday. And to face the consequences from what we did. Anything that is happening right now is your challenge to use your wisdom and knowledge because He’s the one who gave you and continually giving that gifts. 

It’s been two months, my love.

Two months of crying

Two months of wondering

Two months of mesmerizing

Two months of remembering

Two months of waiting

It’s been two months, my love.

Two months since our talks disappeared

Two months ago when we want each other

Two months of wondering if you’ll come back

Two months and counting 

It’s been two months, my love.

Two months when I heard you are happy with someone else

Two months of being depressed

Two months of crying the question of “Why?”

It’s been two months, my love.

Two months since I last felt your hug

Two months of longing..

I miss the time when we were young

Young to be inlove

Young to be broken

Young to be matured

I miss the time when the light of my phone flashes

And all that I see is your name

Then my excitement bursts

I miss the time when the day is cozy

And all that we need is a hug all day

I miss the time when we go to places

Just to.. eat

I miss the time when you’re tired at school

Yet you smile brightest when you see me at your home

And come.. hug me

I miss the time when we were at your terrace

Looking at those buildings and small houses

Yet my eyes still want to look at your face

And when you got my look

You smile, the brightest

Brightest as the sky

I miss our times

Someone asked me “Are you happy with your decision?” 

And of course, I said “Yes, I am happy with him. I am so happy.”

But I also think.. Is it right? Is it the right decision? For all that you had done? 

Since I made the decision, second thought always hit me up. What if hits me up. And I guess my heart’s wound goes deeper than it was.

Nothing changed. You are still the same, baby. You are still the same who broke me. And you did nothing. I mean, nothing special? 

I guess you’re enjoying your life now with worldly things and companies. I guess you’re happily killing yourself by using those cigarettes and alcohols. I remember what I’d said to you before, that you’re killing yourself and regret that someday. It’s funny how myself begged for you to stop doing this and that and change into better. But I just learned that I can’t. I remember how painful it is to read your messages to the other girl and my hands were crazily shaking and I couldn’t even stand at my own feet. Because I am so weak. I remember how you didn’t leave a single message for me for a whole day because you were with another girl. And yet I am dumb here waiting for your message. I remember how you leave here to have a vacation and begging for me to start over with you. And of course, I accepted again because I love you. I remember how you came home with a new “us” starting again. But honestly, I knew something wrong but I’m tired of asking knowing that even a single lie you wouldn’t tell me. I remember when you started your degree and had your bigger freedom. Lie was the only thing that keeps myself to you over and over again. Going to clubs and flirt girls… And I’m tired for all of these. I remember how you ended up with “us”. How you give so much pain in my heart. But until now, I love you so much. Even if it hurts. Even if it breaks my soul. Even if crying is my only friend. It’s crazy how I can’t let go of you. Living a life without you. Dropping all promises and dreams with you. 

You had changed. A very huge change. I’m wondering if you’re aware on it. But despite of your changing soul, I still love all your flaws. Every piece of you. Because for me you’re an art. I love what you were and what you are and what you will be. 

But I must.. I must let go and move forward. Because I guess you already dropped everything between us. Thank you, because of you I know there’s better. 

One word. Six letters. And a big deal.

I know, it hurts. It hurts so much that all you could do is to embrace acceptance. We may be both hurt but mine’s far more different than yours. Very different. We’re happy and strong but you came into his life, everything was falling apart. This is the very first time I felt the real pain from the man I love. I can’t blame you. I can’t blame him as well. I feel sorry for breaking your heart by him. But I told you to be aware because of a big chance hurting you. Don’t you know? Don’t you know that I am so much hurt than you? It’s not like yours. You don’t actually understand what you felt for him. I am the one who gave almost all my love for him that nothing was left for myself and then you entered. You’re too young to understand these things, dear. And you’ll understand everything someday when you grew up at all aspects in life. And experience more that could realize your pasts. He’s the only one whom I love the most and definitely have the biggest part of my teenage life. You're lucky because you have friends that can fight for you against what he did. But for me? No one. Because I just keep it in myself. In my heart. I just cry it all out. But I wanna say thank you, because of you I felt that he really loves me when he lost me. I know, we love each other so much. But this is the wrong time. And if you think you’re hurt more than me, think again.

I remember the day when I told you to message me when you’re now leaving so I could look up to the sky and watch any incoming airplanes thinking you’re there. But I didn’t see any.