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Success in conflict is not only about winning the argument. It’s about making an ally. Just because you win an argument today doesn’t mean you’ll get support tomorrow, or that you won’t run into another argument. An ally helps you build. You turn two combatants into two stronger builders. So, if you want to win more, invest more in - creating real connections with people around you. - finding out what obstacles others are facing, and what wins look like for them. - acknowledging your colleagues and their concerns. Colleagues help people that connect with them.

Quickest hack for confronting bad behavior at work: The amplifying echo WHAT IT IS: Quote a person’s statement back to them. EXAMPLE: You: “That manager gave a really unhelpful answer.” Teammate’s tease: “Awww, was that just too much for you to handle…?” You: “Was that just too much for me to handle…?” WHY IT Works: 1. Usually, we use reflection to show that we hear what our colleague is saying. 2. In this case, we use reflection so our colleague can hear their own words from a new perspective and reconsider what they’re saying. One more way reflection shows up as a powerful tool. Thank you to Rasheeda G. for underscoring it.

Still think that dealing with conflict is not a priority for your team? · A survey of 150 𝗲𝘅𝗲𝗰𝘂𝘁𝗶𝘃𝗲𝘀 reported by Supervision Magazine found that they 𝘀𝗽𝗲𝗻𝗱 𝗮𝗻 𝗮𝘃𝗲𝗿𝗮𝗴𝗲 𝗼𝗳 𝗮𝗯𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝟭𝟴 % 𝗼𝗳 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗶𝗿 𝘄𝗼𝗿𝗸 𝘁𝗶𝗺𝗲 "acting as a peacekeeper, referee, and mediator for employees engaged in conflict.” · Mediation specialist Daniel Dana estimates that 𝟲𝟱 % 𝗼𝗳 𝗽𝗲𝗿𝗳𝗼𝗿𝗺𝗮𝗻𝗰𝗲 𝗽𝗿𝗼𝗯𝗹𝗲𝗺𝘀 result from conflicts between employees. · Daniel Dana says, "Unmanaged employee conflict is perhaps 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗹𝗮𝗿𝗴𝗲𝘀𝘁 𝗿𝗲𝗱𝘂𝗰𝗶𝗯𝗹𝗲 𝗰𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗶𝗻 𝗼𝗿𝗴𝗮𝗻𝗶𝘇𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝘀 𝘁𝗼𝗱𝗮𝘆. · Meyers-Briggs Conflict at Work study (2022 Update) reported that 𝗼𝘃𝗲𝗿 𝗮 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗿𝗱 𝗼𝗳 𝘁𝗵𝗼𝘀𝗲 𝘀𝘂𝗿𝘃𝗲𝘆𝗲𝗱 said they deal with conflict at work often, very often, or all the time. That's 𝘂𝗽 𝟭𝟬% from their previous study. · Surveys by the CCL and Eckerd College show that most 𝗺𝗮𝗻𝗮𝗴𝗲𝗿𝘀 estimate that 𝗯𝗲𝘁𝘄𝗲𝗲𝗻 𝟮𝟬 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝟰𝟬 % 𝗼𝗳 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗶𝗿 𝘁𝗶𝗺𝗲 is spent dealing with conflict. Think your managers or leaders can just deal with it? · A survey conducted by Harris Poll on behalf of Interact revealed that a majority (𝟲𝟵%) 𝗼𝗳 𝗹𝗲𝗮𝗱𝗲𝗿𝘀 confessed to being 𝘂𝗻𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗳𝗼𝗿𝘁𝗮𝗯𝗹𝗲 𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗺𝘂𝗻𝗶𝗰𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴 with their staff. · Of more than 1,000 full-time 𝗲𝗺𝗽𝗹𝗼𝘆𝗲𝗲𝘀 surveyed across the U.S., 𝟴𝟭% 𝘄𝗼𝘂𝗹𝗱 𝗿𝗮𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿 𝗷𝗼𝗶𝗻 𝗮 𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗽𝗮𝗻𝘆 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝘃𝗮𝗹𝘂𝗲𝘀 “𝗼𝗽𝗲𝗻 𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗺𝘂𝗻𝗶𝗰𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻” than one that offers perks such as top health plans, free food, and gym memberships. You do the math.

What would create 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗯𝗶𝗴𝗴𝗲𝘀𝘁 𝗯𝗼𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝘁𝗼 𝗽𝗿𝗼𝗱𝘂𝗰𝘁𝗶𝘃𝗶𝘁𝘆 𝗶𝗻 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗼𝗿𝗴𝗮𝗻𝗶𝘇𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻 right now? Take a minute. What do you think? * A new technology? * A leadership retreat? * Skilling up employees that can't do their jobs? * Creating a bonus structure or an incentive system? Good ideas. And consider... You'll get among the biggest boosts to productivity by...managing conflict better. Research shows that 𝟲𝟬-𝟴𝟬% 𝗼𝗳 𝗮𝗹𝗹 𝗱𝗶𝗳𝗳𝗶𝗰𝘂𝗹𝘁𝗶𝗲𝘀 𝗶𝗻 𝗼𝗿𝗴𝗮𝗻𝗶𝘇𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝘀 𝘀𝘁𝗲𝗺 𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺 𝘀𝘁𝗿𝗮𝗶𝗻𝗲𝗱 𝗿𝗲𝗹𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝘀𝗵𝗶𝗽𝘀 𝗯𝗲𝘁𝘄𝗲𝗲𝗻 𝗲𝗺𝗽𝗹𝗼𝘆𝗲𝗲𝘀, not from deficits in individual employee’s skill or motivation.* And...you can very often turn conflict into innovation. If you can get past the hard feelings and draw out the conflicting viewpoints, you can turn those into business ideas. Think of that. Reduce wasted time and increase innovation with one skill set. * Daniel Dana, Managing Differences: How to Build Better Relationships at Work and Home (2005)

Conflict management hack. The SINGLE most powerful behavior you can adopt to make relationships at the office work. - Turn towards connection. OK, that sounds obscure. But it's not. It's very practical. Here are some examples that come out of 50 years of research on over 40,000 relationships: 1. Check to see if there's something you can do for the other person. Not - How are you? Instead - Is there something I can do for you? or Is there anything you need from me? 2. Keep an eye out for * Eye contact, a smile, a sigh. * Saying “good morning” or “goodbye”, a direct ask for your help or attention, asking for a favor. * Pointing something out: “Look at that!” or looking frustrated. Acknowledge those small gestures overtly, comment on them, make an offer in return. 3. At times when you don't or can't connect with the other person in the moment, or they don't connect with you, go the further step. * When you see a bid for connection but you can’t engage - don't let it go by. Acknowledge it out loud. "Hey, I just noticed... Can we talk about it after I finish my meeting?” * When they make a bid and it's negative or snarky - (e.g., “It wouldn’t occur to you to do the all-up yourself for once, would it?”) reflect the request without the snark - "SoundS like you could use a break. I'd be happy to handle it." Keep filling the well. It will pay off.

What's the most overlooked insight in managing conflict at work? - You teach people how to treat you. In fact, people are monitoring your treatment of them constantly as you interact, even though they may not be fully aware they are. Here's how you make that insight payoff. You're in conflict at work and you want the other person to listen to you, to take you seriously. What do you do? CONFRONT them: Confront them, push your point. - That will prompt them to respond in kind. They will push back, debate you. ACKNOWLEDGE them: Reflect their points, empathize, acknowledge. - That prompts them to respond in kind. In fact, there's research going back to the 60's that documents the effects of letting someone know you hear them, not hearing them, 𝗹𝗲𝘁𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗺 𝗸𝗻𝗼𝘄 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗵𝗲𝗮𝗿 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗺. - They think of you as more trustworthy. - They think of you as more objective. - They think you have better professional judgment. - They are more willing to talk about other issues. So, all that you were hoping to get by pressing your point, by pushing out the evidence, by taking a moral stand... You get much of that and the opportunity to tell more by... DEMONSTRATING to the other person that 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗵𝗲𝗮𝗿 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗺.

CONFRONTATION: - This is the way things are. - This is why I'm right. - This is what we have to do. COLLABORATION: - What's your concern? And what's driving it? - I understand. Here's what's concerning me. - What can we build that covers the angles for us? We're on the doorstep of 2023. Time to tap your team's varying views to build your competitive edge.

𝗖𝗼𝗻𝗻𝗲𝗰𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻 in the moment + 𝗘𝘅𝗽𝗹𝗼𝗿𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻 of Needs beneath the Demands = Great 𝗖𝗼𝗹𝗹𝗮𝗯𝗼𝗿𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻 and Potential for 𝗜𝗻𝗻𝗼𝘃𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻 Here's the cognitive science of true conflict management: 1. You clearly acknowledge your teammate's positions and how they feel about them. 2. You accountably express your positions and how you feel about them. 3. Once you and your teammates are hearing each other, you work together to uncover the underlying needs. 4. Finally, build solutions that meet those needs. That's all you need. No match offs. No drama. Start with connection. Then launch exploration. Collaboration will follow.

We often overlook the most powerful position we can take in an argument. We think we know what that is: * Be right. * And be in the right. Have the right answer and the moral high ground. BANG! Winner! That's what we think. But it doesn't really work that way, does it? Because the person sitting across the desk "knows" the same thing. So, what that strategy really gets you is an argument. So, what works better? Make your challenger know that you are really engaging with them, really getting them. Yeah, that takes energy. But it pays off big. Research going back to the 1960s says that when you let others at work know you are really engaging what they say: 1. They think you are more trustworthy. 2. They think you are more objective. 3. They think you have better professional judgment. 4. They're more willing to talk to you about other business issues. 5. And...wait for it...they will start engaging with what you say and are more likely to consider your points. How would you like to be standing on that platform before you even put your idea forward? And all you have to do is reflect back to your challenger what they are saying to you, but in a way that positively acknowledges their point of view. Next time you anticipate conflict, you know how to start off on the strong foot.

To turn it from an anchor to a jet plane, rethink your idea of accountability. The last thing most people want in a conflict is accountability. We THINK accountability = fault. If I'm accountable, you can all blame me. Instead, USE accountability = power to create. If I'm accountable, I create my feelings, my experience. So, I can control my experience. I can be effective in this conflict. If you're accountable, you create your feelings, your experience. So, I'll fare better when I consider what I contribute to you to create your experience from. I can be effective in this conflict. Accountability, other people often dodge it. Yet, when you use it well, accountability leads you to effectiveness.