forget stuff, like a cool person

hi! i've moved blogs to nivalin. this will stay up as an archive for now, but i'll be over nivalin from now on! tryna follow everyone but it's taking a while, if we're mutuals i'll def follow back though <3

right i made a new blog bc i need a clean break from a lot of the clutter in my life it's @nivalin. gonna keep this up as an archive but that's all! c: 

lmao #breakupwhining below feel free to scroll past ((it's SUCH a weird space to be in like I saw him today and it was Fine. a bit awkward. but we could be friends. we have been best friends for four years, after all. I'd like for us to be friends again, one day. he was good for me for a long time and I'll never regret that, we were great together I'm not even truly upset that we broke up, apart from the expected being sad that something that was good is over. it surprised me that I wasn't heartbroken but??? I guess he made the right call when he said he wasn't in love w me anymore because I wasn't in love w him either. but I am still fucking livid over the way things went down re: the breakup like it honestly felt like a slap in the face and it upsets me even MORE to think that he might not know (almost certainly doesn't know) why I'm upset and hurt but I don't have the energy to explain it all to him especially when I don't trust him w my feelings anymore it was a great three years but I deserved better (genuinely EXPECTED better from him) from those last few weeks and it's so especially upsetting because it could have been okay still weird and sad but - it could have been Okay if it went down differently not heartbroken just mad that someone I trusted hurt me and never apologized, and kind of lost know without this friendship - never even mind the romantic aspect of our relationship, we were always friends and foremost - that meant so much to me for so long THE WEIRDEST SPACE))

I did also make myself a promise to be more open and... "friendly" isn't quite the right word. Braver. Less reclusive. It's going well! I'm going to social things. I'm keeping in touch with my rl friends. I start work next week in an OFFICE with PEOPLE. idk if we're mutuals/friendly u should let me know if it's okay to chat. I know it almost always is but. Initiating conversations is SCARY and HARD pls cut me some slack I am so bad at keeping in touch. Determined to get better though

i know I'm rambling at thin air a lot and I'm going to do it more bc it feels cathartic Im on mobile but I will put things under cuts and tag for personal posts so as not to be intrusive I saw my new shrink this week and she was wonderful!! and she asked me who I talk to about my thoughts and feelings now that my partner/bf has broken up with me and the answer is... nobody (I have a wonderful best friend and she is amazing but she is also very close friends with the ex and I do not begrudge her that bc they are good for each other. but it is also a weird space to be in) Idk I rarely talk about my personal life on the Internet / I am bad at talking to people and maintaining friendships in general but there is still something comforting about putting your thoughts down in words and sending it out there on and maybe someone you like and are low key friends with will see and it's kind of like being listened to without the pressure of social interaction or feeling guilty for ~wasting someone's time idk it's weird but I feel better when I hit "post". I keep so much to myself for the sake of maturity or pragmatism or w/e but it's nice to see rambled and garbled thoughts posted. it makes them seem real and valuable. REAL TALK I just started a new antidepressant/am in that weird changeover period between meds and high as f can you tell

man a lot of people I follow have been remaking recently and maybe I should do the same got a lot of changes in my life rn I think it would be fitting not to mention all the cute romantic posts I see whenever I search through my archive (my tagging is so terrible...) haha ha there's a lot of stuff I want to distance myself from right now but don't want to delete, you know