THE HORRORS!

The first dead body I ever saw was my mother’s. My grandmother died three years before she did, and I was so nervous about it then. My mother had braided my hair in the way Grams had liked it, even though it was for little girls. Dad showed up. They were still married, then. I wore a black dress that was two sizes too small, but Mom had me put on one of those horrible boleros that was popular then. We could have bought a new one, but it was summer, and who wants to wear a funeral dress again? Then we drove to the funeral home and by the time we got there I was shaking so hard I couldn’t get out. I could see Dad getting frustrated, but in the way adults get frustrated at kids, with a very specific “I get it, but can you just shut the fuck up and get it over with, we’ve all been through this” look to it. Mom had me do the whole five things you can see, four you can touch - I can never remember the order. It turned out that Grams had been cremated. There was just a box, at the front, for everybody to look sad at.

It didn’t help, really. Because I asked, like a kid does, what was cremation and what was in the box? And Dad told me, because Mom had gone to talk to my aunts. Then all I could think of was burning forever and ever. Not like hell, because I didn’t - don’t - believe in that. Mom and Dad were too enlightened and educated for all that. But I imagined Grams, trapped in a little furnace. What if they’d got it wrong? What if she hadn’t been dead then, but got all burnt up now? I had nightmares for weeks about it, and Mom let me sleep in her bed. Dad slept on the couch, but he’d been doing that for a year by then.

Mom was different, because she always was, even dead. That’s what I loved about her. I didn't love this, though. They didn’t burn her. They flushed her out, stuffed her, and used the wrong shade of foundation to fix the way the glass had cut up her face when the car had smashed into the tree. We’d have had matching scars, if she lived long enough for it to scar. Now I just have a little nick on my cheek, and she’s got a headstone. Maybe if she'd let me sit in the front seat like I wanted to, we'd match that way.

     I did get a new dress for her funeral. My sister took me shopping. Half-sister, but we only bring that up when we're fighting. We weren't, then. She came home from college and she and her perfect-haired boyfriend took me to the mall, like it was back to school shopping or something. I just picked the first thing that fit. My aunt came over to do my hair the way Mom liked, which was the way I liked it. When we got to the funeral home, I think Dad was scared I'd do it again: the shaking, the crying. I could see it, just like before, except he was all tensed up and he couldn't look at me. That was okay. I didn't look at him either. I picked five different things I could see, and decided none of them would be him.

Send one of the following prompts for my muse to reach out affectionately to yours !

Feel free to combine them ( example: send [ brush ] + [ push ] for my muse to brush the loose strand of your muse’s hair our of their face and then push it behind your muse’s ear ), reverse them ( example: send [ reverse + caress ] for your muse to caress my muse’s cheek ) and/or add details.

[ brush ] - to brush the hair out of your muse’s face / eyes / forehead

[ push ] - to push the loose strand of your muse’s hair behind your muse’s ear

[ caress ] - to caress your muse’s cheek

[ tilt ] - to tilt your muse’s chin gently to prompt them to make eye contact with my muse

[ curl ] - to curl my muse’s fingers under your muse’s chin while resting a thumb on their cheek, not quite tilting but just… holding

[ cup ] - to cup your muse’s face with my muse’s hands

[ place ] - to place my muse’s hand over your muse’s hand where it’s placed on my muse’s cheek

[ boop ] - to boop your muse on the nose

[ Eskimo ] - to brush my muse’s nose against your muse’s nose as in Eskimo kiss

[ nose ] - to kiss your muse on the nose

[ palm ] - to kiss your muse on the palm

[ knuckles ] - to kiss your muse’s knuckles

[ cheek ] - to kiss your muse on the cheek

[ lips ] - to kiss your muse softly on the lips

[ forehead ] - to kiss your muse on the forehead

[ lean ] - to lean forward and press my muse’s forehead against your muse’s forehead

[ pepper ] - to pepper your muse’s face with kisses

[ eyes ] - to kiss your muse’s closed eyelids

[ tears ] - to kiss away your muse’s tears

[ wipe ] - to wipe away your muse’s tears

[ gaze ] - to gaze into your muse’s eyes

[ roll ] - to roll my muse’s eyes at your muse affectionately

[ scalp ] - to massage your muse’s head

[ pat ] - to pat your muse’s head

[ top ] - to kiss your muse on the top of their head and then settle my muse’s cheek against it while holding them close

[ chin ] - to set my muse’s chin on the top of your muse’s head while holding them close

[ hair ] - to place lots of short, sweet, messy little kisses to the crown of your muse’s hair

[ run ] - to run my muse’s fingers through your muse’s hair

[ twirl ] - to twirl a strand of your muse’s hair around my muse’s finger

[ comb ] - to brush your muse’s hair

[ braid ] - to braid your muse’s hair

[ whisper ] - to lean close to your muse’s ear and whisper something to them

[ tickle ] - to tickle your muse

[ cheer ] - to try to cheer your muse up

[ faces ] - to make funny faces at your muse

[ shove ] - to playfully shove your muse

[ hand ] - to place my muse’s hand on your muse’s shoulder / neck as a way of supporting / comforting / reassuring them that my muse is there

[ shoulders ] - to wrap my muse’s arm around your muse’s shoulders

[ massage ] - to massage your muse’s shoulders and/or neck

[ soothe ] - to rub your muse’s shoulders soothingly

[ rub ] - to rub your muse’s back

[ body ] - to give your muse a full-body massage

[ snuggle ] - to snuggle to your muse’s side

[ support ] - to support your muse with an arm around their waist

[ lift ] - to lift your muse up in my muse’s arms

[ trace ] - to trace your muse’s scar/s with the softest press of my muse’s fingertips

[ ask ] - to ask your muse about their scar/s

[ scar ] - to kiss your muse’s scar/s

[ back ] - to hug your muse from behind

[ rest ] - to hug your muse from behind and rest my muse’s cheek against your muse’s back / shoulder

[ rock ] - to hold your muse and rock gently from side to side

[ tuck ] - to tuck your muse against my muse’s chest, covering them with the front parts of my muse’s jacket / coat, in order to keep them warm

[ head ] - to rest my muse’s head on your muse’s shoulder

[ cover ]  to cover your muse with a blanket / jacket / coat when they’re lying down

[ drape ] - to drape a blanket / jacket / coat over your muse’s shoulders

[ jewelry ] - to put a piece of jewelry around your muse’s neck

[ tie ] - to help your muse do their tie

[ smooth ] - to straighten your muse’s collar / lapel / brush a hand over your muse’s clothes to smooth it out

[ feed ] - to feed your muse

[ drink ] - to help your muse drink

[ pull ] - to pull your muse down to sit on my muse’s lap

[ bed ] - to push or pull your muse back on the bed when they try to get up

[ lap ] - to place my muse’s head on your muse’s lap

[ guide ] - to guide your muse to place their head on my muse’s lap

[ hide ] - to guide your muse to hide their face on my muse’s chest

[ help ] - to give your muse a hand when they’re stepping up or over something

[ touch ] - to touch the back of my muse’s hand to the back of your muse’s hand as if inviting to hold hands

[ thumb ] - to run my muse’s thumb over your muse’s thumb while holding hands

[ hold ] - to hold your muse’s hand and interlace our muse’s fingers

[ fingers ] - to play with your muse’s fingers absent-mindedly

[ nails ] - to tidy your muse’s nails and/or do a manicure

[ makeup ] - to help your muse put on their makeup

[ shapes ] - to trace imaginary shapes on your muse’s skin

[ pain ] - to kiss your muse where it hurts to soothe their pain