Daddy

I’m not sure if anyone reads my personal posts. If you do, you know me better than even my “bestfriends” do. Just whenever I have some deep ass thoughts that I can’t post on regular social media or I just don’t have anyone that can understand this.. I come here and feel safe. It’s just, it’s super difficult to live everyday with this certain mindset. I can give anyone advice on anything & usually it’s pretty great advice. The only thing I just can’t give advice on is feelings of suicide. I’ve been suicidal, I’ve had those thoughts, I’ve tried to take my life, then bam I got sick. Just when I was slowly getting better and wanted to live. I was told I had 3 to 6 months to live. As soon as I heard those words... all my goals, plans, dreams became something that may not be possible. I was 19 almost 20 and I thought 20 was going to be my last birthday. I didn’t want to die and I thought life was being ripped from me. I was angry. I didn’t understand what I did to deserve that and then quickly after I was blessed to get a second chance at life. Ever since that day, I never thought of ending my life myself again. Life is an everyday gift & blessing and until you almost have it taken from you, you take every single thing for granted. That changed me for the better. But now I live in this constant... I wouldn’t say “fear” because I’m not afraid to die. But I do feel like I’m waiting for it to happen. I just have this pit in my stomach that tells me I’m not meant to live a long life. Will I wake up tomorrow? 2 months from now? How about next year? Will I be at my brothers wedding 2 years from now? It’s more frustrating than it is “scary”. I don’t want to live like this. Always feeling like I’m waiting to die. Having this belief changes a lot in a persons life, more than you’d realize. I don’t want to start new friendships, especially relationships because I don’t want anyone to hurt when I do go. I get more frustrated when friends ignore me or ditch me than I really should because yes there’s “always another day” in your head but not mine. I hate when people hold grudges against me because I’m always thinking “can we just fix this before it’s too late”. This mindset also a distraction to following dreams & future goals. Why pursue them if you don’t have the chance to accomplish them? Why waste time studying when you barely have time to live. I feel like that’s all I ever think about now. I know I won’t be remembered for anything unique, or heroic, etc. I just wanna live and enjoy every minute I’m alive. It doesn’t matter if I’m remembered. Once I’m gone, I’m gone. No one can bring me back. Once God decides it’s my day... I just hope that day I felt like I lived. I hope I changed someone literally anyone’s life for the better. I hope I gave someone good advice at some point. I hope I helped someone not self harm. I hope I made someone laugh & smile even when they had a bad day. I hope I made someone feel beautiful no matter how insecure they’ve been lately. I just hope I did some good.

I’m sad. Because I literally just sit here and think about every single person I’ve been friends with and we either lost touch, had a falling out, or something happened where we just don’t talk anymore. It wouldn’t hurt so bad if there were just a few people but there’s literally so many people that I’ve been friends with and have been close with at a certain point in my life and now I don’t even talk to or see them. I mean most of these people have done me super shady and I should hate them but I just don’t. I shouldn’t even bother thinking of them again. Some I lost touch with and just have no energy to chase after their friendship because they just don’t miss me as much as I miss them. There’s so many people & so many sad situations. I feel like I’m the only person that just thinks about everyone I’ve ever lost and wishes that we would cross paths again one day regardless of the spilt blood and hateful words or lack of effort in maintaining our friendship or whatever that case may be. I just feel like no one misses me. No one wishes I’d cross their path again. I wish I was an easier person to love & miss. I wish I was more cared about I guess. Even the people I’m “close” to now. I don’t feel love. And who’s to say they won’t become one of the many that I miss. It’s scary. Everyone’s left me at some point. I hope one day, just sometime in the future... I find one person who just wont give up on me no matter how shitty I am. Even after they find out all the flaws. Who knows. That would be nice though. To be loved. To be cared about. To feel important to just one person.