meep

food scattered out in front of me and i’m still just standing here as if my body isn’t hungry.

i need a therapist but that means accepting i never truly helped myself fully like i claimed to; however, i need to continually remind myself that i am human.

i looked into a reflection to prove it was real but waking up felt so much worse than not seeing a reflection of you— of your face.

it truly isn’t a stagnant process.

some days i feel as strong as you would be and days like today? the months don’t even feel real to me. i feel lost again.

the space beside me has never felt so empty. you weren’t the tallest, nor the biggest yet it feels as though a black hole sits where you would. an endless void of a presence that forever is embedded into my skin, my bones, my heart and so on. you always loved to burrow into my thigh just to scrape enough warmth to cuddle against; never did i think i’d miss a small paw clawing at me for such closeness. it felt as if it was just you and me against the world.

now that you’re gone, i still feel as lost as ever and somehow still assured. i can’t place it as it being a front or genuine feeling but i hope you can see i’m really trying. i don’t think it’ll get easier for right now, so be patient with me. you always were even when you were here.

i love you, little lui.