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I volunteered for 2 years, because the work mattered whether it was paid or not. In a world of technology, I knew you only via Zoom and reputation. And in another building, when a voice was needed, I wedged myself into a spot at the table. And in another building, when students needed an advocate, I raised my voice for them. And then get another building, when a website needed made, And…

I am walking Pandora, afraid to open my own box. When it creaks open on its own, I try to trap the demons in electrons. Word by word, at least they don’t travel along my bloodstream anymore. How often though, I tell myself they are under control only rearing their ugly heads rarely. Like a dog, after a squirrel, I tell myself, I control the leash on my demons. My demons  are in control pulling…

You know me as inspiration porn. You like to watch me succeed on YouTube But you don’t know what to do now. I’m here. You never thought inspiration porn would crash messily into a Tuesday morning. We have ramps now, and some doors have buttons. The AdA is in place. No one warned you that people with disabilities still struggle. We can be well spoken have opinions, And know what we’re talking…

Tuesday, April 29, 2014 Usted es perezoso.  C’est trop dur à passer du temps avec vous, es ist nur okay, mir winschen, wenn Sie schmerzen haben. The world didn’t say it to me in plain English but I, the studious perfectionist, took copious notes.   Anorexia offered to translate  And bill me later.  I never knew the bill would add up to  an arm, a leg, a body, and a brain.  The only thing it…

I know my worth and my ability. I can work harder better and longer than anyone else if given a reaon. Most of my life has been fueled by the reason, no. Just like that, the reason is short.The unspoken remains. Internalized biases externalized doubts and justifications. I will not go away. I have fought bloodly battles from inside my own brain. My body has bled, slowly, for months at a…

Disorder is symmetrical; eating me alive. I can`t contain it.  It tastes like medical charcoal.  Doctors spit out “Anorexia” because it leaves a stain despite being clean cut.  It isn’t nice and tidy.  Disorder fears the chaos of certainty and runs obsessively.  It kicks the stove  and measures exactly,  paying favorites with pretty numbers.  Disorder is predictable  And forgetful…  It kicks…

Quality time for momma and me  follows a simple recipe,  and I am generally a good cook. This is the one thing I partake of wildly . I need a liquid: blood, hot water, or the occasional mystery.  Something for heat and adrenaline: a good crash of pain for simple spice.  Though in the extreme, a curtler of flesh or gut can be nice,  if it gives goop; that’s beautiful texture!  If it has holes…

My mind is pinging.  From exhausted panic,  to exhausted panic.  Did I walk?  Did it happen?  Was it real?  Did yoga count?  Was I there?  The answers don’t matter; I can’t help but care.  For no reason but insanity.Did she feed me flax?  Or just mix up bulgur and farro  If I ate wrong there will be no tomorrow  Was it a cup?  An ounce?  Bounce!  Bounce!  I trusted.  I was hungry  How dare me.…

Saturday,  today is like so many others. I did yoga; I walked, and then I doubted it.  I swear my body has ballooned  And yet I haven’t broken  Seventy-six like it has broken me.  Find an ignorant man who mistakes my addiction  for ambition.  But it needs hands to pull the strings that bring my legs to life.   Craving to kill calories, starting a metabolic inferno and building it to smolder…

Former fifteen-year-old’s  in my sophomore wellness class:  think twice before you answer  that true-false quiz question,  “It can be just as hard to gain a pound as it can be to lose one.  Ana Genetics Rexia will mock you. And if that is all she does to you, thank your God  or count your blessings.

  I  hate.  Deeper than my shame.  Them; the runner, the walker, the mover.  With wandering minds you play. Your screams aren’t crawling up your legs or arms. No, your fire is of joyous flame.  Riding a bike or, worse yet, sitting  Unchained.  Freedom, unclaimed.I look on you with scorn.  My “gracious face” all worn out. That’s why children stare  The horror of my bitter envy  perfectly clear …

I would rent the safety of a promise,  willing to sign a lease calling for the heat of my breath  if it meant could suffer my afterlife able to bare the weight of my name.   Yearning for frozen waffles, reeses cups, and a pat of butter with her corn.  Never cowering in the face of the doubt of the soulless  rage blazing.  Reaching every high bar,  to rip out of the old schools of thought about…

Or wounded love that haunts my dreams?  Dr. Detihel,  Even in my dreams You would not save me. We stood Out in front of a mobile home, just like my past  where a girl once lived.  Who loved science, Hot summer days, just like that day  You offvend to pay  To send me away.  Doctors know guilt;  It’s a game. One you must`ve thought you`d win if you could just deface your sin. Momma, she knew,…

I have lost the confidenee of memory; am denied the grace of amnesia. In the valley in between  A thousand goat heads of doubt cling to every open space.    I am the wisest gardener  with the saddest soil  and a gag reflex toward manure  Can’t summon rain, but time is mine to place collection buckets  If I am willing  to wake before the clouds. Today these sacred grounds  refuse me even…

I am born of a hurricane.  Ivory fleshed,  blood haired,  and violent. I know her deadly gusts, her shrieks and cries, destruction  throwing fists and threats.  Unconscious of her beautiful constructions of chaos,  her heat is a blazing passion  pulsing wildly as she paints a new world.  She stands a  breath taking  killer.  I look at anorexia, for once knowing of the two of us, I need…

You weren’t willing to have an abortion, but you still wished I would die. Seeking out endless ways to not care for yourself; because miscarraige was somehow easier for you. But I had to live with your failure at it, breaking my body, not my mind. By all accounts I have succeeded in spite of you and with the help of others. In a world that is not meant for disability and doesn’t care about…