Neutral Good

cas: i can’t believe i was so stupid to let lucifer out :(

dean: no no you were right you did good you tried your best and that’s what matter actually no scratch that we got you back and that’s what matters i mean you really stepped up and tried to save us, save me, and how can i be mad at that? at you trying to help me lift some of the burden off my shoulders? you always do that y’know? try to help me. and you do help! you’re always there, y’know? *stares too long at him while driving*

cas: dean…? :)

dean: you’re our brother cas i want you to know that

Dean doesn’t know how he ended up here. He remembers one loss after another; but eventually they blurred together into a shit storm of grief and loathing. Self-loathing. And an inexplicable hostility for his once best-friend.

“The plan changed, Dean. Something went wrong. You know this; something always goes wrong,” Cas says. Dean doesn’t look at him. He isn’t really listening, either. He just knows that the more Cas tries to explain, the more he feels like punching his own fist through a wall. They had a plan. Why didn’t Cas just stick to the damn plan? 

“Yeah? Why does that something always seem to be you?” Dean says. He doesn’t know why he says it. Normally, Dean would regret saying something like that the second it left his mouth. But today, as he stares back at a stunned Cas, he feels nothing. Its hard to feel anything these days. 

“You used to trust me,” Cas chuckles, devoid of humor, “give me the benefit of the doubt. Now you can hardly look at me.” Dean looks deliberately into his eyes, as if to prove him wrong. Cas seems to take that as a challenge. He continues, saying, “I betrayed my people for you, Dean. I fell from heaven, gave up my wings. I have killed for you and Sam. I’ve died for you. And for what? So you could treat me like I mean nothing to you?”

Dean looks away. 

“You still blame me for Mary,” Cas says. Dean feels his stomach twist into knots at the mention of her name. He clenches his fists, and is unable to deny Cas’s statement. “I know I made a mistake by not telling you about Jack. But I couldn’t have predicted he would do that to her. I didn’t know what not having a soul would do to him. Sam was soulless, and you didn’t give up on him either.”

Cas might be right, but Dean can’t change how he feels. Even if Cas didn’t mean for any of it to happen, Dean can’t even look at him without thinking he could have done something to prevent it. 

A silence hangs in the air as Dean sneaks a glance up at Cas. They catch each other’s eyes; and in that moment Cas sees something. A persistent, deliberate emptiness.

“You blame yourself, Dean” he says quietly into the space between them. Dean immediately crosses his arms, defensive.

“Excuse me?” Dean says. There’s a threat in his tone.

“You always do. You just can’t take it this time, because it was Mary.” Cas sighs, as if thinking that he should have realized this a long time ago. “You finally had your mom in your life, and you wouldn’t be able to live with yourself if you admitted you felt responsible for losing her.”

“Fuck you, Cas. I didn’t know about Jack, I thought we could trust him! You, on the other hand-”

“I trusted him too, Dean!” Cas interrupts. “It was a mistake, but I did.” Cas pauses, and sizes up Dean’s closed off posture. “You know what, Dean? I’m starting to sound like a broken record just trying to talk to you. I’ve really tried, but you don’t want to listen.”

“You’re right, Cas. I don’t.” Dean says. Because knowing he’s being an asshole, has never stopped Dean from being an asshole before.

Cas lets out another unamused laugh, as if he would expect no less of Dean Winchester. 

“Well, I don’t think there’s anything left to say,” Cas says. He starts to walk towards the steps that lead out of the bunker. Dean’s almost glad to finally get out of this dead-end argument, when a horrifying thought pierces his mind.

“Where are you going?” Dean blurts. Cas turns back towards him. The look on his face is enough for Dean’s fear to be confirmed. Cas is leaving him again.  Dean feels his heart sinking into his stomach. Its the first real thing Dean has felt in a long time.

“I am a celestial being,” Cas says. “I have been on this earth since the beginning of time. I dedicated my life to my work as an Angel, until I gave it all up because I believed in you.” With the floodgate now open, Dean is starting to feel the regret, and some more self-loathing, set in. 

“Ever since then, I have been nothing but loyal to you and Sam,” Cas continues. “There were times I could have returned to heaven and regained their trust, but I didn’t. I chose to stay here, and help you. Every time.”

“I know.” Dean says, feeling tears he didn’t anticipate well up in his eyes. He keeps them at bay.

“No. You don’t. To every other angel or demon you find out there, you are a blip. You have existed for only a minuscule fraction of time, compared to us.” Cas pauses, assessing Dean. “But to me, you were different because you were my friend.”

Dean opens his mouth as if to speak, but closes it a moment later. 

“So excuse me if I don’t want to stick around for the sole purpose of being your punching bag,” Cas says.  Dean feels those last words like a knife in his chest. 

“I think its time for me to move on,” Cas finishes.

As Cas leaves, Dean feels like he should say something, anything, to stop him. But nothing comes out. Mary is gone, Jack’s gone, and now Cas too. He finally drove away the last person he had in his corner outside of Sam. 

The group of them; Sam, Cas, Jo, Ellen, Bobby, and himself at the end of the world.

Dean frowned and ran his thumb along the image, looking up only when he caught movement out of the corner of his eye - someone passing by his open doorway.

“Hey, Cas,” Dean called.

Castiel stopped and peered into the room.

“Yes, Dean?”

“C’mere.”

Castiel hesitated for only a moment before crossing the threshold to stand in front of Dean.

“Everything alright?” He asked, looking at him curiously.

Dean glanced down at the photo, then back up to Castiel, and repeated the movement a few times.

“...Dean?”

“You’re getting older.” Dean remarked, as if he couldn’t quite believe it, but it was obvious now that the evidence of change was directly in front of him.

How hadn’t he noticed?

Castiel raised an eyebrow.

“Yes. That’s how time works.”

“No, not for you.” Dean insisted, holding the photo up to do a side-by-side. “Your, you know, vessel - it’s getting older. You’ve got some wrinkles and you’ve got-“ Dean reached forward and brushed at Castiel’s hairline -“ You’ve got grey hairs coming in, man.”

Castiel said nothing and Dean gestured towards the photo.

“You don’t look like this anymore. Is your Grace okay? Should we be...worried?”

Castiel’s face was infuriatingly calm for the seriousness of the situation Dean was making him aware of.

“I’m fine. But I appreciate the concern.”

“But - you’re not. You shouldn’t be aging, right? Maybe we should -“

“Dean-” Castiel took a step forward. “You’re correct. As an angel, my vessel can remain in stasis for as long as I remain a guest.”

Dean frowned, not understanding.

“Then why- ”

“Because I’m choosing to age.”

Dean paused, unsure what to make of the admission. This wasn’t something he’d ever considered - not in a million years. Angels were basically boulders stuck in the river of time

“And...you’re choosing to age...why?”

Castiel smiled, reached up a hand, mimicking the same brush of fingers through hair - and Dean understood before the angel could answer. All of the breath left Dean’s chest at once.

I am HERE for Castiel finally walking away instead of letting Dean CONTINUOUSLY walk all over him and just letting himself be Dean’s favorite scapegoat

I know he’ll come back and they’ll stay TFW but at least he finally did something about it

Sure, everyone has a right to their own feelings and unhealthy coping mechanisms, but Dean has always and forever been the one to call the punches and deal them out or else nobody gets to be happy when someone screws up his plans. It’s been his call all this time.

Now it’s not. Even when Sam walked away on his own terms when Dean went overboard on being a dick because he didn’t get full control of what he wanted, the pattern repeats. Sam did come back, and Dean sort of learned a lesson there over time about how to handle his brother.

It’s been a long time coming, but Castiel should have picked up his skirts and skedaddled ages ago. Because they’ve all done world-ending bad moves in their day, and neither God nor angel nor Dean Winchester has a single high horse to sit on.

Have you ever felt like you were always standing on the outside looking in no matter how hard you tried to adapt and belong?

Have you ever thought you did something right, for the right reasons, only to be told you were wrong over and over, or worse, selfish when the cost you paid was dear?

Have you ever felt no matter how many battles you fight for others, when peace again reigns and those you fought alongside don’t need your help anymore, that you’re actually all alone and no one has your back?

Have you ever given yourself to the point of feeling profoundly empty, emotionally and physically, and gotten little to nothing to hold on to in return?