As I near the end of Esther Perel's "The State of Affairs," I find myself rethinking my last relationship. Consider this an autopsy of the heart, as I begin to heal from whatever damage it may have caused me.
There's almost a certainty in sharing your values with someone you share your life with. Companionship works easier that way, even though there will surely be adjustments and compromises on both ends. As someone who is just starting to grasp her core identity, although I believe that there is no singular truth about ourselves, as we are ever-changing creatures, I used to struggle with seeking external validation. During my early 20s, I felt like my external appearance and sexuality were what people valued the most. If I'm being honest, I really grew fond of the power it gave me and felt joy exercising it against people. But as I grew older, I realized that it somehow hindered me from being taken seriously, especially in terms of professional achievements.
Approaching my mid-20s, I began to shift my approach to relationships, especially romantic ones, and redirected my sexual energy towards a more ambitious path. And then there was my last relationship—the one where he mistook me for a driven, ambitious young woman, assuming we shared the same values. Unbeknownst to him, I buried my sensual desires and my love for feeling sexy to gain his approval because I thought that's how life had to be lived. His value was ambition and achievements, and I thought that's what I had to prioritize to be "successful" in life, whatever that means. So, I played along, as the pain from my earlier days served as a constant reminder to choose a different path for myself.
After almost a year of concealing my identity and suppressing my erotic desires, those desires began to seep into everyday life, causing problems during our daily conversations. The way he pitted sexuality and ambition against each other did not help, as if these two aspects couldn't coexist within one person—as if individuals couldn't be multifaceted.
I often make the error of tying my self-discovery to my relationships. You might call it aspirational dating, where I actively pursue someone who makes me feel different from my usual self. Someone capable of revealing aspects of myself that were once beyond reach. I’ve never desired to be with someone who is in a less advanced stage of life than I am. In this context, the element that was once beyond my grasp—professional achievements—was encouraged through my last relationship.
But here’s the thing about relationships. They serve under two ideals—one, inspiring you to better yourself and strive for a greater good, and the other, providing a safe haven for you in case you stumble and fall. After two years of pursuing professional achievements, while juggling work and my master’s degree, I started to run out of steam. It was here that the flame of the relationship began to dwindle as well.
The stresses of maintaining both my identity and the façade I had adopted began to take their toll. The intricate dance between my ambition and my suppressed sensuality grew more difficult to manage. The agony of rejection, whether it was from him or self inflicted which deeply affected my sense of worth and self, exacerbated the situation.
After ending the relationship, I began to realize that what was once promised to me was never guaranteed. The safe space that was once there to land had become nonexistent. I struggled to pick up the pieces and rewrite a better narrative for my story. I needed to reevaluate my value as a person, navigating the intricate push and pull between my identity as a sexual being and my identity as an accomplished young woman. I came to understand that I was blessed with the ability to comprehend the nuances and many colors of human beings, something that many people struggle to grapple with. Self-awareness was a gift I possessed. It’s my responsibility to stay true to myself and to choose not only to celebrate all that I am, but also the people to celebrate with. After abandoning myself for so long, I believe I owe it to myself.
As I prepare to close the final pages of this book, I am filled with a sense of renewal—a deep understanding that my journey is not defined by a single narrative. It is the amalgamation of all that I am and all that I aspire to be. This aftermath, this introspective exploration, is not a reckoning with the past, but a stepping stone towards the future—a future where self-discovery, self-love, and self-acceptance stand as pillars of strength.
In the wake of this journey, I embrace the complexities that define me, both the sensual and the ambitious, understanding that they are not contradictory but complementary. This autopsy of the heart has unveiled the intricate layers of my being, allowing me to mend and grow, to learn from the past and pave the way for a future that celebrates all that I am.
