secretly sylvia plath

The Olympic trip had gone fine. The United States won Silver, losing in the final to Canada, it was a major loss, 1-5. Jack hadn’t been too upset, sure it really sucked, but you move on, because he still had 30 more regular season games to play.

He spent the remainder of the olympic break going around Italy with Tate and Y/N, taking photos as Y/N took in the gorgeous art and architecture.

It was quiet, there was no outside noise. None of them were checking their phones. When they got home, that silence remained for Jack and Tate, it was their version of routine. When Y/N went back to class, it wasn’t the lectures she missed that stressed her out, it was all of the new eyes on her. She was unpopular. She was quiet, shy, riddled with imposter syndrome that felt debilitating. When she went to work, when she met Tate and Jack she was a character, she was vibrant and witty, putting on a performance for tips. She didn’t know how to handle it, their gazes crawling up her physique, judging every scar on her body. She’d catch whispers of conversation about why Jack and Tate would be around her anyway. Their thoughts haunted her at every corner, like their commentary was smoke and she was inhaling it with every step she took.

She felt sick. She didn’t want to leave, she really didn’t. She had grown past it, she wanted to stay, she loved Jack and Tate, even if she hadn’t said it, she knew she did, she had known it since their first breakup months ago. She didn’t know how to love, never having healthy relationships, having parents who didn’t show emotions other than anger snd sadness. She was willing to learn how to say it, rather than show it. It seemed like everyone around her believed that they deserved someone who already knew how to love them, who wasn’t always running, who didn’t need hours of effort to peel open and understand.

When she gets into the apartment she feels her presence weigh the air down, like a dark cloud, making Charlotte look up from her computer, being met with Y/N’s tear streaked face.

“What happened? Were lectures too fast after your break?” Charlotte asked, her voice weighted with concern. It was unlike Y/N to struggle with advanced material. It was one of the things she loathed about Y/N — not that she understood fast, she hated that Y/N wasted her talents in the middle of New Jersey, working at a bar, going to a college with an 80% acceptance rate.

“No, they were fine.” She said shaking her head, her voice cracking as she dropped her heavy backpack onto the ground making a harsh ‘thunk’ against the vinyl flooring. “It’s Tate and Jack” she frowned dragging her feet to the beaten up couch she and Charlotte loved dearly. She sat down as Charlotte moved her laptop to the coffee table, making room for Y/N’s head, she pat her lap before Y/N kicked her shoes off and bundled onto the too small couch, pressing her head into Charlotte’s thighs.

“What’s happening, babe?” Charlotte asked, her tone gentle and nonjudgemental.

“I can’t do it, I can’t deal with all the stares and whispers.” She said, her tone soft and embarrassed, like she knew that the words were ridiculous, it was ridiculous to throw out the best relationship of her life away because of people she’d never see again gossiping about her.

“No,” Charlotte said, her tone sharp causing Y/N to rise from her lap and curl into herself. “I’m tired of talking you off a fucking ledge all of the time, Y/N. I fucking hate this.” She seethed, her fingers pressed against her thumb as she emphasized each word with a flick of her wrist.

“What? You’re not talking me off a ledge?” She asked, her voice soft, airy and scared, the same voice she had when she called her father, or when she saw him as a young girl.

“No, I do, we all do. You rob yourself of everything because what? Your shitty dad said you didn’t deserve it once?” Charlotte snarled, punctuating each sentence with a bite of her lip.

“No, no, and he wasn’t a bad dad!” She insisted, wiping her damp cheeks as she shrunk into the same eight year old that was slapped by her father.

“That is the most fight I’ve seen you put into anything in a long time! And it was to defend the man who made you like this!” Charlotte scoffed, running her hands over her face, mulling over her words very carefully.

“Do you know what I have hoped for every day since I met you first year?” Charlotte asked, her voice finally lowering seeing as yelling wasn’t getting them anywhere.

“What?” She asked with genuine curiosity, pursing her lips to the side of her mouth.

“I wanted you to leave,” she said softly, watching as Y/N’s face fell. “I watched you run circles around everyone here. I watched you be some fucking nobody because you’re so convinced you’re some failure who doesn’t deserve anything, but you’re not, if you keep pulling this shit you might be.” Charlotte said, almost winded from the pace the words poured out of her mouth, but she knew that if she didn’t say them now, she’d never say them.

“You’re my best friend, you’re the best friend I’ve ever had, but the best gift for you to give me is opening the door to this apartment and seeing all of your stuff gone. It would hurt more than anything, but I don’t know if it would hurt more than you wasting your life away here.” She finished, wiping the stray tear that fell, from both the nerves of this conversation and the pain she felt watching her best friend waste away because she was scared of failing.

“I’m not wasting away” she said softly, looking up at Charlotte from behind her knees like an animal in hiding.

“You are. You’ll break up with Jack and Tate, drop out of law school because you can’t afford it and you’re gonna go back to the bar and sling beers for the rest of your life.” Charlotte said matter-of-factly, “and I can’t be here if you’re going to waste away, I’m not gonna stand by and watch this, nor will Miles and Oliver.”

“Is this a fucking intervention?” She asked, her voice almost a squeak.

“I heard you’re not walking at graduation— before you ask, Mary told me. You’re missing out on the best thing that’s happened to you because of some fucking losers gossiping?” Charlotte asked, referencing their shared academic advisor who Y/N had done a fair bit of research under. She had grown very fond of the both of them, so she told Charlotte about the gossip on campus when Y/N was gone, and how she was concerned about Y/N’s lack of graduation application.

“Yeah, I was never planning on walking, I’ll sit with your parents and cheer for you and Miles.” She said, lying through her teeth, obvious by the gnawing on her bottom lip.

“You’re such a fucking idiot, you have like nineteen different honors and distinctions and you’re throwing it away because some fucking losers wish they were you, fucking the biggest hockey player and pop star!” Charlotte whined, seeing Y/N as the biggest idiot she had ever met.

“Who would I invite?” She hissed at Charlotte as the argument got more explosive.

“Hm? I don’t know, maybe Jack and Tate! You know the people you’re fucking in love with?” Charlotte yelled back, standing up and walking away from the couch.

“I’m not, no, you know I’m not. They wouldn’t come anyway!” She hissed from her seat, blood rushing to her face at being called out for being in love, like she was a little girl who had her friends find out who her crush was. Charlotte rolled her eyes, reaching for her own phone. She had Jack and Tate’s number for Y/N related emergencies. She opened her phone and flashed Y/N Jack’s contact as a vague threat.

“You’re being a dick, I don’t know what you have invested in my relationship? Wanna launch a career as an influencer?” She hissed again, hitting Charlotte where she knew it would hurt, knowing Charlotte wasn’t sure what her long term plan was after college.

“Fuck you, like you’re doing more than throwing away every good thing in your life to go work at a bar. At least my parents will let me back home!” Charlotte said, watching as Y/N’s face soured, her lips forming a deep frown before tears erupted from her eyes and she rapidly stood up from the couch, her legs wobbly like bambi.

“Y/N, you know I didn’t mean that, I’m sorry!” Charlotte called out as Y/N went towards the door. “I love you, my family loves you, I’m so sorry” She whispered as she trailed behind Y/N.

“It’s fine, I’m gonna go for a walk,” she said, her tone short and voice quiet, hiding the cracking beneath the surface.

When Y/N walked out, Charlotte called Tate and Jack, seeing if they could go find her and talk to her convince her of what Charlotte was trying to say. She didn’t explain the details of their argument, knowing it would freak out both Jack and Tate.

When Y/N arrived at the bar it was dead, so dead it was just the owner and the cooks in the back, all of the servers having been cut early. She sat down on a sticky vinyl bar stool, spinning around as her boss stood in front of her. He was nice, an older man with a thick dark mustache, he was the same guy that served Tate and Jack on their first day when Y/N was off.

“Long time, no see” he smiled, setting a ginger ale in front of her. He saw her face and knew she was in no place to drink alcohol, but he knew at every work party, that’s what she’d reach for.

She gave a soft, fake laugh as the rubbed her agitated eyes. “Yeah, yeah” she smiled shooing him away.

“I’m rethinking the law school thing” she said softly, looking up at him. She had been incredibly lucky, all of her bosses, coworkers, and advisors had been her cheerleaders. She watched as his face fell, he had a harsh crease in the center of his eyebrows as his lips formed a scowl.

“Rethinking?” He asked, he was hoping he misheard, or at most she meant taking a gap term before starting.

“I don’t think I’m going to do it. Charlotte made me realize how expensive it is, and I know she wants me to go to my partners about it, but I can’t” she said, her voice soft. She was quietly floating the idea of breaking it off with them to anyone who would listen.

“No, I’m not going to keep you employed if you throw your life away.” He said, staring at her wet eyes, as she sat like a child, resisting the urge to spin in the chair.

“What? You can’t do that!” She said her voice soft, yet sill angry, not wanting to yell at her pseudo father figure.

Jack pushed the door open, seeing that Tate was still 20 minutes away. He sat down next to Y/N, watching as she stared daggers into her drink.

“Charlotte told me you’re upset with her” Jack said moving his hand under the stool and turning her to face him.

“She was mean to me,” she frowned, looking at her boss who was glaring at Jack. She could only assume that Miles had told him about all of their drama over the past few months.

“Come on” he said leaning forward and pulling her into his lap with a soft grumble.

“Said people in your classes were being mean too, hm?” He asked, his tone a softness it only got with her. With Tate he spoke at his normal uninterested tone, with her he was soft and mushy and far more expressive.

“Yeah, just glaring and whispering, hurt my feelings” she mumbled, running her hands over his back, her head buried in his chest where it often was. She hated that he could do this, be all warm and make her forget that she wanted to break up with him. “Don’t know if I want to go through that again” she mumbled into him, all her fears coming to light.

“What d’ya mean?” He hummed his head against her neck, rubbing her textured spine.

“I can’t do law school of it means everyone is gonna hate me like this” she whined, like an injured animal, “or I can’t do you guys” she finished.

“Didn’t know the noise was so bad for you, angel” he said pressing a kiss behind her ear, taking a deep breath of her scent in an attempt to ground himself.

“We’re here for you, always, we want you to be happy,” he said, his fingers combing over her hair. “It’ll get quiet again soon, something new will come out and people will lay off of you.” He said, she nodded. It was easy for him to talk her off this ledge because she didn’t want to stand on it. When Tate walked in her hair was a mess, her shoes were beaten up, but that didn’t matter when she was met by her soft smile and wave from Jack’s chest. She was in better shape than either of them were expecting.

“Oh, my angel” she smiled, sitting in the seat that Y/N formerly occupied before being moved to Jack’s lap minutes ago.

“Charlotte said you didn’t want to walk at your graduation, that you didn’t want to go to law school anymore,” Tate said softly not knowing if she and Jack got the same information.

“Didn’t know you didn’t want to walk” Jack muttered, patting her butt softly, as a sign to lift her head.

“I don’t have anyone to invite and I don’t want all the eyes on me” she muttered, looking into Tate’s saddened eyes.

“We’ll be there, we want to be there” Tate replied.

“It’ll be like a Jack Hughes and Tate McRae meet and greet. I don’t want Jack Hughes and Tate McRae at my graduation, I want Jack and Tate.” She said shyly far more candid than she had wanted to be that evening.

“We’ll say no to all pictures, we’ll sit in the back with a little camcorder and flowers, no attention, we promise” Jack insisted watching her soften up, shocked that they could fix all of her problems in a night. A few days later she had opened her email to a letter from Columbia Law School, an unexpected acceptance. She sent the photo to Jack and Tate.

y/n: looks like i won’t be so far after all :)

y/n: crazy ass tuition though😭😭😭

jack: that’s great! congratulations! don’t worry about all of the logistics

y/n: that’s a little hard 🙃

tate: CONGRATULATIONS🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳

tate: jack is right, dw abt anything!!!!!!

Jack and Tate had planned this since December, they knew what they were planning on giving her for her graduation.

On a Sunday in May, Tate and Jack were sat in the prudential center, where Jack had played the day prior in the Stanley Cup playoffs. They were each holding a card and a massive bouquet of flowers, along with another card between the two of them. Luke, Quinn, and Findlay were each holding smaller gifts and cards for the girl. A high school aged boy approached them asking for a photo, as Quinn was about to begrudgingly say yes on behalf of all of them, Jack cut him off.

“No pictures tonight, sorry man, great meeting you though.” He said, whipping out a small smile, nice enough for the guy to leave not feeling bad about having asked.

As the processional started, they squinted and saw Y/N in her white halter dress, it was a little shorter than her open gown, with her undecorated cap sitting on top of her head, all of her cords speaking for themselves. Findlay wiped Tate’s tears as Luke and Quinn laughed at Jack for his.

They cried harder when she walked across the stage, hearing her name and her list of honors and departmental honors.

When the ceremony ended, she found them pretty quickly, meeting them in the players parking lot (that Jack still had access to when he wasn’t playing). She ran to them, her kitten heels clicking against the concrete as she wrapped them both in a hug, her head crushing the stems of her flowers.

“Hey you!” Jack smiled, moving the flowers to his other hand.

“They’re so pretty,” she said pulling away from him, looking at the assortment of peonies and lilies, among other flowers, “thank you” she grinned setting her diploma case on the ground. She looked up again, not expecting to see Luke and Findlay, who she had gotten close with over the past few months, and Quinn who she had never met.

“Oh my god, thank you guys for coming!” She smiled walking between Jack and Tate, giving both Luke and Findlay big hugs, and a smaller hug to Quinn.

“Thank you guys” she smiled with all of their bouquets in her arms.

“Do you want your gifts after dinner” Tate asked, taking some of the flowers so Y/N could see as they walked to Jack and Luke’s cars.

“Uh we can do it in the car,” she said softly, hating the idea of being a spectacle in the restaurant.

She and Tate sat in the backseat as Jack sat in the drivers seat, Tate had her phone recording as she grabbed the card with Jack’s handwriting.

“We each got you one and then we have a shared one” Jack grinned, biting at his lip as she thanked him for the card before opening.

She tore open the baby blue envelope seeing a hand printed card.

“It’s so cute” she smiled at the bear in a graduation cap before opening the card and a check falling out, “I’m shocked you know how to write a check” she teased before reading the amount, the exact amount she had in student loans.

“Stop it!” She cried, tears falling faster than she can wipe them. “I can’t accept this, oh my god, Jack, please” she sobbed, wiping her face rapidly as Jack grinned, leaning forward to wipe her tears with his thumb.

“You deserve it,” he smiled watching as she stopped crying and gathered her emotions.

“Thank you, thank you for everything” she sighed looking at Tate’s card, suddenly terrified of what is in it.

“My turn!” Tate said, her tone sing songy.

“Thank you, Tate” she hummed before opening the card. As she tore the pink envelope she smiled at the two swans with blue lace trim and pink bows. She took a deep breath as Jack and Tate laughed behind the camera. She smiled when she saw the lack of check fall out until she read the card.

“You’ll need somewhere to stay in NYC when you go to Columbia on the Tate McRae scholarship! Move in with me?”

She immediately started crying again, moving in with Tate and her paying for her law school.

“I can’t afford rent on your apartment.” She insisted through tears.

“You’re not paying rent, dummy” she teased as Y/N reached over and gave her a hug, sobbing into her neck.

“You have time to think about it” Jack said, setting the last card in her lap. It was a post card from their trip to Milan in February.

“I didn’t see you buy this, it’s so cute!” She grinned flipping it around the back reading, “are you ready to use that passport more? July 1st to August 8th”

“Oh my god, stop it” she whined wiping her face again, silently praying Tate had makeup wipes in her bag.

“Europe again?” Tate asked, her hand grabbing Y/N’s inner thigh. She nodded as Jack drove them to a steakhouse she could never afford.

“Thank you guys” she mumbled shyly, lifting her neck to look at the gorgeous flowers in the front seat, not even thinking about the thousands of dollars she had been gifted.

“I love you” she said softly. They had known that she felt that way, they felt it in the way she fought for them, in the way she cared for them, but hearing her say it brought them both close to tears.

“I love you more” they both said, their voices overlapping.

She ate dinner in her stupid graduation cap with people who loved her and people she would later call family.