magic is real and it's called love ♡

As most of you know, in this blog I share little moments and things about me and my boyfriend. I sometimes write down our conversations or tell you about what we've done on a very special day.

But what you don't know is that we have something else:

an Instagram account!

Our names are Pablo and Lau = Pablau

so we created @this.is.pablau where we share cute reels and videos of us and you are welcome to follow us if you feel like it and add a face to all the stories you find in here ;)

There is nothing I hate more than being in the eye of the storm without an umbrella.

We've been having quite a few disagreements lately. Mostly because we are literally opposites attracted to each other. And we are so different that we get disappointed or feel betrayed when the other one does not feel the same thing with the same amount of intensity.

Even if we give our best, maybe our best is not even a little to them. Maybe some problems are too big to be fixed with "I love you". Maybe some wars are not meant to be won, they are just meant to hurt you.

How can we make someone feel better when all the things we can offer them are not going to help? What do you do when the problem you have to fix is yourself?

I feel like a failure. Like all the words I wrote here are fake. After each fight, each disagreement, each misunderstanding, I think of those two teenagers that fell in love through text messages. Those kids had more hope than the two of us combined. It saddens me to see how the world tores us apart and rips all the hope and wonder away from our young hearts.

How can a problem be so difficult you have no words to mend it? How can it make you feel so small and vulnerable? How can it make you feel that way when it all happened under your ruling?

This is a tiny part of what I feel like when I have a fight with him. I try to answer in the way he would want, but no words sound good enough to me. So I choose silence. And I can see how mad he gets when I opt to stay quiet. But nothing I have to say will help our situation. My thoughts are going as fast as the speed of light and even though they are all connected to our problem, they are side issues that won't allow us to come up with a viable solution. Just nuances that are mine to take care of.

I don't know if he still reads this blog. Part of me hopes he doesn't. But if you do, you should know I am in a really bad place, mentally and physically. I hate my life, I hate my body and I hate myself. I don't know if therapy is the answer but I just know that I don't like my life right now and that is part of the reason why I may be so disconnected from reality. That is the reason why I cry every night and why it is difficult for me to come up with solutions. I am back in the black room I once was but now there are no weapons with me, only mirrors and no doors. It sucks. It's not your fault. But it sucks.

Hello, everyone. I am going to be honest with you. I forgot my password hehe. But I found it.

I believe we are due for an update.

So the love of my life and I are still together. It's been 44 months since we made it official and we have lived a lot since then. I am once subject away from becoming a teacher, which is insane... and I don't want to be a teacher. I want to do something else... I just cannot seem to find an answer to that inquiry.

But going back to the boy who made me start this blog. We are in a new era but still very much in love. He moved a few months ago. He is not super far away, but he is not as close as he used to be before. Our schedules are crazy. He works A LOT and I don't work as much as he does, but when I do, it is usually during his free time. However, we manage to make it work.

I took him to a guided dinner at an Asian restaurant

Boyfriend: Yes, I do.

Me: But they're chapped.

It's been a while, hasn't it?

My boyfriend and I are still together after all this time. We're just incredibly busy and I am so used to his adorable self and lovely words that I barely have the time to write about them anymore.

Should I go back to writing the ones I remember?

Anyways, in less than 2 weeks, we are having dinner because of our 2-year-anniversary!!

He has no idea where we are going or what his present is. I just hope he likes it.

I'll show you after it's done.

I may restart this blog after all.