#whenlovehurts

Regrets. Betrayal.

The emotions I feel As I hold your hands.

Replaying in my mind The tattoo shown to me—by another.

Hmm.

Disloyalty whispers with every laugh, Even though I know the fault is not yours. I should have known better.

Flashes of the past replay, (Though I was absent then). A beautiful lady and a handsome man, So in love, newborn babies were jealous. The world’s spotlight shone at its peak upon them.

But arguments arose, words were said, And suddenly, the curtains closed.

On my shoulders— The tears of a broken friend. She regretted the decisions made, Wishing on every shooting star For your return, Clutching forever, the tattoo etched on her hand.

But two years later, fate played its trick. I met a wonder, sculpted like the gods. A miracle. In you, I saw my perfect match. Gravity itself was powerless to this pull.

My smile incomplete without yours in the frame. Yet unknown to me— The promised tattoo was you.

Now I’m stuck Between a rock and a hard place. The man I love And the friend I love.

Should I put the past behind me? But all I see is her In the back of my mind.

Every kiss breaks me, Destroys my confidence— Though I know you love me.

Alone, I sit in my room, Wishing this cup would pass me. But knowing it won’t.

So here I am, Looking to the stars, asking—

What should I do?

There is nothing I hate more than being in the eye of the storm without an umbrella.

We've been having quite a few disagreements lately. Mostly because we are literally opposites attracted to each other. And we are so different that we get disappointed or feel betrayed when the other one does not feel the same thing with the same amount of intensity.

Even if we give our best, maybe our best is not even a little to them. Maybe some problems are too big to be fixed with "I love you". Maybe some wars are not meant to be won, they are just meant to hurt you.

How can we make someone feel better when all the things we can offer them are not going to help? What do you do when the problem you have to fix is yourself?

I feel like a failure. Like all the words I wrote here are fake. After each fight, each disagreement, each misunderstanding, I think of those two teenagers that fell in love through text messages. Those kids had more hope than the two of us combined. It saddens me to see how the world tores us apart and rips all the hope and wonder away from our young hearts.

How can a problem be so difficult you have no words to mend it? How can it make you feel so small and vulnerable? How can it make you feel that way when it all happened under your ruling?

This is a tiny part of what I feel like when I have a fight with him. I try to answer in the way he would want, but no words sound good enough to me. So I choose silence. And I can see how mad he gets when I opt to stay quiet. But nothing I have to say will help our situation. My thoughts are going as fast as the speed of light and even though they are all connected to our problem, they are side issues that won't allow us to come up with a viable solution. Just nuances that are mine to take care of.

I don't know if he still reads this blog. Part of me hopes he doesn't. But if you do, you should know I am in a really bad place, mentally and physically. I hate my life, I hate my body and I hate myself. I don't know if therapy is the answer but I just know that I don't like my life right now and that is part of the reason why I may be so disconnected from reality. That is the reason why I cry every night and why it is difficult for me to come up with solutions. I am back in the black room I once was but now there are no weapons with me, only mirrors and no doors. It sucks. It's not your fault. But it sucks.

Little did I know that I don’t seem to matter at all to my husband anymore.

Since I got here last month, he’s become completely addicted to this game called Age of Origins. At first, I brushed it off — maybe he just needed a distraction. But now, it’s like his phone is glued to his hand. Day and night, he’s playing. He even falls asleep with the screen still lit, and on weekends, he stays up all night just gaming.

It started bothering me a little… until I found out he had spent thousands on that game. That’s when I snapped.

It wasn’t just the money — it was the double standard. He constantly questions how I spend, reminds me to save, and criticizes every little purchase I make. But then he turns around and dumps a huge amount into a game that gives him nothing in return — no real joy, no purpose. Just more addiction, more detachment.

He’s been skipping work, losing focus, getting lazy. He walks around the house in the same clothes for days, barely making an effort. And when I try to speak to him, it’s like he’s not even there. I feel invisible.

Sometimes I just want to pack my bags and go home. Be with my parents. Take care of my mom. I miss her warmth, her comfort, her voice. I still love my husband — I really do — but I can’t deny that he’s changed. And in this new version of him, I’m not sure where I fit anymore.

What hurts more is knowing this isn’t just about the game. It’s about how little I seem to matter now. I see how different he is when his mother is around. He becomes attentive, polite, almost perfect — like he can’t do anything wrong. But when it’s just me, he’s distant, distracted, and cold.

Last week, we went out to get groceries together. Or at least that was the plan. Instead, he walked around the store with his eyes glued to his phone while I did everything on my own. If his mom had been there, he would’ve followed her closely and helped her with every little thing.

It’s not about jealousy. It’s about feeling unseen and uncared for.

I’ve tried to reconnect. I’ve planned things, created small activities, even asked for simple quality time. But every weekend ends the same — he sleeps through the day, recovering from another night of gaming. And I’m left alone, again.

That’s why I’m writing this now. To let it out. Because keeping it all in is starting to eat me alive.

Maybe writing about it doesn’t change anything. Maybe tomorrow will still feel the same. But at least, for now, I’ve said what I needed to say.

💔 When love starts to ache instead of heal

There is strength in letting go and in choosing peace over pain.

You don’t have to stay where your soul no longer blooms.

🌙✨ Healing begins with honesty. True love, deep and freeing, often starts within.

🌿 It's okay to pause. To breathe. To begin again.