holy shit, books!

* when he made me a drawing of an open book and a rose maybe… 3 months in our relationship. I still have it.

* taking me to a picnic to see the sunset on an October day about 3 years ago

* that time when I came home and he had hidden one of my books, declaring that if I wouldn’t find it in the next 5 mins, it was gone forever. He wished me Happy Hunger Games while laughing his ass off

* when he first told me he loved me, on a lost street in our town

* surprising me with my favourite food and cake and our song playing in the background 2 years ago, on our anniversary

* building bookshelves for me, when I moved in, and giving up one of his own a few years later, when my book collection started to grow

* taking me on the best road trip even on my birthday 3 years ago

* buying our house almost 2 years ago and drinking the worst wine ever after that and laughing our asses off, daring each other to finish it (no, but it was horrid)

* he spent 3 hours on the phone on the side of the road, trying to find someone with a car that could come help us carry 6 puppies that we rescued from the side of the road 100 km away from our home. He then cared for them as if they were his own until we found homes for them

* this legit happened today: he saw an old lady at the supermarket with her granddaughter, she was at the bread section, clearly trying to figure out if she could afford to buy enough bread. He dropped some money and told the lady it was actually hers and she had dropped it. He said he saw how she lit up and assumes thatshe knew, but she took it and bought all the bread she needed plus a juice for her granddaughter

That’s my and my boyfriend’s thing too!!

We’re not engaged - yet - and it won’t be with the Evenstar since I already bought myself two versions of it for casual wear, so being proposed to with it is a level I can only ASPIRE TO CAUSE OMG - but like. “Evenstar” is his nickname for me, because he says “I’m the first thing he thinks of in the morning, the last thing he thinks of at night, the only star in his sky.” We’re talking about styling matching LotR tattoos where I get the Evenstar, he gets the tree of Gondor (I already have Elvish script wrapped around my ankle so it’d go beautifully). It inspired an Arwen cosplay I pulled off a few years ago. I got a custom license plate for my car that says “EVNSTAR” because I just love that he calls me that so much. It helped kick off the discovery of the whole forest/elven thing that has become my recent aesthetic and whole focus on staying positive in life. 

SO LIKE.

I FEEL YOU GIRL. 

By now many of you know that I am a book depository affiliate. This means that for every sale I generate, I get 5% of the total price. I am using this to raise fund for my transition. At this current point (26/12/16) I have £65 from this, which will pay for 1 decent binder. To give you a basic idea of how much I hope to raise I will give you a short list of prices of things.

- £6.50 pays for a bus to one of my appointments. - £8.40 pays for 1 box of testosterone if I get approved by the NHS - £15-20 pays for a bus and train to the gender clinic - £5000-£9000 Pays for top surgery

Seriously, every little helps. I’m on an 18 month waiting list at the current time. so I have time to raise the money. 

All you do is click HERE, buy your book/s and once your order is confirmed I gain 5% of what you spend, it costs you nothing extra so you lose nothing and help me out loads.

Every book recommendation post etc that I do, I will try to link the book back to my book depository so if you click the link and buy it that way, I’ll get the 5%

This is something so simple and as long as Book Depository posts to your country you can do it, so please consider it

So if you are buying books for yourself or someone else or even hosting a giveaway, please can you consider it, every single penny goes in my transition fund and is a massive help to me. 

Thank you

i hate to be this person and if you’re having a good day please feel free to skip past this because i don’t want you to get down. also psa: this is not aimed at people who actually experience any of these things, it is aimed at those who misuse it.

mental.

illness.

fucking.

sucks.

all of these bloody posts that romanticise mental illness are really getting on my nerves because fuck me, it isn’t like that at all. you don’t fall in love and suddenly all your worries disappear. a perfect person doesn’t suddenly come into your life and oh! they can stop your panic attacks or solve your self harm! wow! that doesn’t happen. it isn’t some cute personality trait and i’m sick of it being portrayed like that. it isn’t quirky, it isn’t cool and it isn’t just something to make you ‘diverse’. it isn’t just there when you have a bad day or when it suits you to be a victim.

i have a fucking awesome family. my parents are both present and together, i have an older sister who has aspergers and she’s awesome, i have two cats (billy and tilly) and a dog. i go to a private school and although my family isn’t super wealthy, we live comfortably. i am academically inclined and have always done well in school. on paper i have a pretty idyllic life and i know that. i live it everyday and i am so fucking thankful for it.

it’s christmas day here and i’ve had an awesome time with my family and have been fortunate enough to receive great gifts.

but i’m sitting here on my bed and i’m sobbing. 

not because i didn’t get everything on my wishlist

not because of a sad christmas movie

because this is what mental illness looks like. because i live everyday wracked with anxiety and filled with an unending void of nothing. because even when i’m having an amazing time, i still feel like a piece of shit. 

because sometimes there isn’t a reason for it. because right now as i’m writing this, all i can think about is how for some reason my friendship group is rejecting me and i feel like i’m 13 again. all i can think about is how everyone seems to want to be around me when i’m good but when i start to go into a bad dip, no one is there. all i can think about is how i don’t know if i’m cut out to actually do well in school, which is the only thing i’m good at. all i can think about is how what i know to be real and i know to just be my paranoias are suddenly blurring.

and i hate it. i hate it because i know my life is fuckign awesome. because there are so many people who are experiencing so many struggles but they still manage to smile but for some reason i can’t.

and beyond any of that, i hate it because it hurts. and it isn’t pretty or cute or quirky or solved by some perfect guy or some awesome relationship.

so please, 

don’t romanticise mental illness

don’t romanticise mental illness

“Look to the stars. Aim. Ignite.” 💫