look, and despair

Do any of you guys like sex or is that just me

Continuously feel like it is all just too late. Too late to turn this vacant, distraction-based, isolated, poorly designed and planned life into something good. But I also think maybe we all feel some version of this. My sense of self is fractured and I have lost a lot of my joy and hope and excitement for life, but I am hoping it is about to be exchanged for other things - maybe my joy will return quieter, my hope with less naivety, my excitement turn to stability. It's easy to feel stagnant at the moment. But I really don't think it is all so hopeless.. I still feel pleasure at learning new things - working with my hands has felt impossible lately but I have learnt some about entomology which has been nice. I still feel a very deeply rooted love and astonishment at the inner workings of the world, of everything from mathematics to entomology. I will never have learnt enough to get bored which is a huge comfort for me. Even in times like these when the intensity of my astonishment is dulled I think "one day I will learn this and that and yet another small, small piece of the puzzle of what it is to be human will have been solved!". I think it's one of my best qualities. But it is also easy to get overwhelmed and distracted from the rudimentary details of daily life which is bound to lessen life quality eventually. I want to feel like I have time for it all, but I always end up feeling like I have lost time. Every day goes by so quickly, and I get so tired, too. I am exhausted constantly. I don't know what I'm doing and no one can help me. I don't know who I am and no one can tell me. But I guess that doesn't really matter. What matters is compassion and evolution and continuing on. On I go!