You Cant Bribe Your Door On The Way To The Sky

Es difícil amar y amarse a sí mismo.

You’re a serpent dragging yourself around on your belly, waiting for the kill to fall blindly into your den. You think that your evil cannot be seen through your scaly outtermaking but your needlepoint eyes give you away. They tell me that although they are the perfect blend between light and dark, that your intentions aren’t pure and that you only want to sink your teeth further into my skin. Your fangs, they’re sharper than a thousand knives, but are no match for the thickness of my skin because through your venemous tongue, you spat lies that made me stronger. You can cause damage with just one strike but you will not deteriorate my valor and my desire to be freed from your slithery hold. My valor and your venom mix as well as oil and water, my valor will remain as the antidote to your bite as long as I have a beating heart and air in my lungs. There will come a day where you will realize that you are nothing without Eve, and it’ll be too late because Eve’s already figured out your sick act.

Mi error fue darte una oportunidad que no merecías y deje que te clavaras en mi piel como ningún otro podría. Mi error fue darte partes de mi que nunca podré recuperar. El error más grande que cometí fue el error de dejarme ser tu burla. Todos podrán decirme que no fue mi culpa el que tu me allas decepcionado pero yo siempre sabré que yo fui la que te dejo entrar. Yo rompí mi propio corazón en el momento que creí que tu serias diferente.

"It didn’t matter where my feet landed, I would not be happy because the problem was not the place where I stood. The problem was me.”

I knew I desperately needed help when I stopped doing things for fun and started doing them so that the pit in my chest would disappear. I knew I was bad when alcohol was a way for my blood to drown in a substance that could make me forget. When smoking a cigarette was no longer to feel my head spin and laugh but it was to calm my hands from shaking and when MJ would visit just so i could feel on top of the world for a couple of hours. I knew I needed help when I knew I needed help but could not get the words together.

Its funny that we hate our body and not our brain. All of that self hate comes from that spot up in our heads. When we want to numb ourselves to silence with drugs and alcohol it is that small mass that we are numbing and shutting down, so why does everyone hate their body and the way it curves like the ocean if it is the brain and all that it is made up of that makes us not want to be us anymore.

I shared my mind and body with you only for you to take it all away from me. You robbed me of happy ending and my innocence while you were at it. I hate that I can't hate you for ruining me. I love to love you because if there is no you and I then I risked my all only to fold in the end.

It is hard to love someone when you cannot even love yourself. It becomes even harder when you've loved someone so much that you gave them all you had until you were left on the street broke. You will never be able to love someone new because you feel as though you are not enough for them; you're denying the love you deserve because you cannot love what's inside of your brain. You will make up excuses and paint them in a different light so that you cannot see just how good they are for you. It is even harder when you realize all of these things but still do not allow yourself to be loved.

It took a couple of drinks in your veins to tell me how you felt after many years. It took a day in my 17 year old bones to tell you how I felt. Looking back, I always loved stronger and tighter, I held on even if you were choking me because I so badly needed you to be in my life. I needed you to exist at the same time I did because I knew I wouldn’t be able to see a life that you were not in. It took years for you to tell me how you felt but in the end, when we were together, you felt as alive as I did.

You aren’t there at 3 am when I feel like I don’t want to be me the most. Its like you hear me cry but I’m crying to a ghost. I wish you weren’t the one I sorely needed every now and then, only the one I wanted in my bed every now and again. I wish you weren’t the one I, in my mind, so dearly loved. I wish you were the one that would help me win this fight, this fight in my mind that doesn’t rest easily at night.