210101 Namjoon’s Weverse Post
이름처럼 무언가 특별할 것 같던 모두의 기대를 무참히 비웃었던 해였습니다. 관객 없는 무대, 함성 없는 스테이지.. 이게 정말 말이 되나. 말이 되나. 어제도 그제도 매번 똑같이 생긴 스튜디오 대기실 의자에 앉아 무심히 되뇌고 곱씹고. 정말이지 넌센스가 센스가 되는 세상이 와버렸구나, 하고.
바위 틈으로 떨어지는 물처럼 무심히 학습되는 무기력.
좌절을 표상하는 모든 것들에 저항해보려 뭔가 자리를 박차고 일어나야할 것 같은 기분이지만, 같은 곳에 그저 있으라고, 머물라고 말하는 저 손가락들. 책을 읽고 또 읽고, 언택트ㅡ 로 시작하는 낯선 무엇무엇을 해보고. 홈트도. 배달음식도 먹어보고. 좁은 방 할 수 있는 모든 것을 다 해본 우리의 부단한 1년이 아니었을까요.
지금도 이렇게 진행 중이지만요..
이러나 저러나 시간은 가고 세상은 돌고.
영영 안 가줄 것만 같던 이 해를 보내고 살아남아 다시 봄을 기다리는 사람들. 이번엔 봄이 정말 올까, 봄 같아줄 정말 그 봄이 오나. 실망하기 싫어 기대도 않으려지만 그래도 실낱같은 희망 부스러기 같은 거라도 꼭 붙잡고 있어야 또 잠에서 깰 수 있는 것이 결국 사람 아닌가 싶어요. 와중에 이 추운 겨울에도 많은 분들의 사랑과 애정어린 시선을 받고 있다는 사실을 다시 또 한 번 가슴에 새겨보면서, 쉽게 꺾이지 않겠다 결연히 혼잣말 해봅니다.
아무도 없어도 내가 듣고 있습니다.
이번 해를 보내면서는 좀 짧고 담담히 적어내려가보자 했지만 또 잔뜩 꼬리에 꼬리를 무는 말들을 보니, 저는 아름드리 나무가 되려면 한참 멀었나봐요. 매일 가지치기를 해도 머리 뒷쪽을 타고 자라나는 명료하고 흐릿한 말과 상상들. 손 내밀어 허공에다라도 한 번 저어보지 않고는 살아갈 수가 없다는 생각이 드는 건 그냥 원래 제 모양 같은 거겠죠 뭐. 주변 어른들은 ‘너는 원래 좀 썽이 풀려야되는 사람이다’ 하시더라고요. 성도 아니고 썽이라고. ㅋㅋㅋ
요즘엔 미세먼지라도 없는 날이면 참 기분이 좋았습니다. 예전보다 더 그렇네요. 뭔가 기분좋음의 하한선이 한없이 밑으로 내려간 느낌? 쉽게 만족하니 좋은 걸까요. 그러면 갑자기, 혹시 지금 실제로 여러분 앞에서 무대를 할 수 있다면? 전엔 당연했던 것들이 왜이리 꿈결 같은지.. 허허. 올해를 소중한 걸 소중히 하지 않았던 데 대한 레슨으로 삼아보려 합니다. 아직 우리는 모르지만 분명 많은 것들을 우리에게 가르쳐주지 않았을까요. 깨닫게 될 때까지 오랜 시간이 걸리지 않길 바랄 뿐입니다.
노을이 처마 끝에 매달려 있습니다.
이 푸른 점 속 어떤 형태로든 남아보려 애쓰며 부유하는 나와 같은 많은 먼지들에게. 또 우릴 위협하고 집어삼키려는 바깥의 저 익숙한 냉소와 질시들에게. 편지를 씁니다. 이 한 해는 헛되지 않았다고. 끝내 사랑이라는 말 밖에는 떠오르지 않지만 무언가 더 좋은, 닳고 닳지 않은 말들을 찾아 헤매어 이렇게 또 쓰네요. 지칠 법도 한 이 나날들 속 이 피로한 여정에 기꺼이 함께해주셔서 감사합니다.
그저 건강하시고, 많이 같이 웃었으면 좋겠어요.
더 봄 같은 봄날을 향해 같이 걸어가요. 사랑합니다. 올해도 고생 많으셨습니다. 저희가 힘이 되었으면 좋겠습니다.
Do remember they can’t cancel the spring.
새해 복 많이 받으세요 !
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I see the year 2020 [yet another year] is leaving.
Though we expected 2020 to be special like the name would suggest [2020, marking the start of a new decade], it was a year that ruthlessly laughed in our faces. Performances without audiences, stages without cheers/applause.. Does this really make sense. Does this make sense/is this real. Yesterday and the day before yesterday too, I sat in the same old studio waiting room chair and brooded over it over and over again. Thinking, “Really, a world has come in which ‘nonsense’ has become ‘sense’.”
Lethargy, that carelessly/indifferently gets learned like [the slow repetitive rhythm of] water falling through the gap between rocks. Though it feels like, in order to resist everything that represents frustration [or defeat in despair], I need to burst out of my seat in order to accomplish it, I am told by those fingers pointing at me to just stay in the same place–to just stay. I read books and then read some more, start strange new things through “Untact” (Korea’s newly-coined term for “no contact”). Home-teu (at-home training/working out) and delivery food too. Doing everything conceivable that can be done in our small rooms, was this not our constant perpetual life rhythm this year?
Though it is still ongoing/we are still continuing to live in this way..
One way or another, time passes. And the people who survived this past year feeling like this year would never pass/leave/go away, are now waiting for spring again. Will spring really come? Will a spring that really feels like spring come? Though I try not to have expectations because I don’t want to be disappointed, I think it is what humans are inclined to do/what it is to be a person–to want to hold tight to a crumb-like thread of hope to be able to wake up from sleep again. In the midst of all that, I engrave into my chest once again the fact that, even in this cold winter, I am/we are receiving the love and affectionate gazes of many people, and I say to myself with determination that I will not be easily broken/swayed. Even if no one is there, I am listening.
While sending off this past year, I tried to keep my writing short and to write calmly but seeing as how each word has latched onto the tail end of the previous sentence a whole lot, it seems I am still a long way from becoming a beautiful tree*. Though I try to prune [my thought branches] every day, clear and blurry words and imaginations creep up following the path in the back of my head, and grow. Well, I guess me thinking “I can’t live without needing to stick my hand out into the abyss and stir my hand about [out of curiosity/out of the need to find out/get a feel for what’s out there]” is just my original shape [is just who I am as a person]. The grown-ups/older people around me say ‘you’re the type of person who needs to let go of/release his ssung.’ Not even sung (anger), but ssung (‘anger’ said with emphasis). Kekeke
These days, I felt good/was in a good mood just by having a day without fine dust/toxic haze/air pollution. I seem to be like that even more than before. It feels like my bar for what warrants a good mood has gotten endlessly lower? Is it a good thing that I am now satisfied easily? Then suddenly I ask ‘what if I could actually perform in front of you all now in person?’ Why do the things that were obvious/for certain/a given before, feel like a dream.. huhu/hoho (pensive, somewhat old-man-scholar-like laugh). I’m trying to store this past year away as a lesson about not cherishing/treating as precious what is precious. Though we may not know it yet, [this past year] must have taught us so many things. I just hope it doesn’t take us long to realize what it is we have learned.
The sunset is currently hanging on at the end of the eaves. To the many particles of dust who, like me, are working hard to stay afloat in this blue dot (t/n: probably referring to the earth) in whatever form they can manage. And to the familiar cynicism, envy and jealousies over there outside that threaten to devour us. I write this letter. To say this past year was not in vain. In the end, the words “I love you” are the only ones that come to mind but I write to you like this again while searching and wandering/struggling to find a better word that hasn’t been worn and worn again. During these days that are probably exhausting, thank you for staunchly/gladly accompanying us on this weary journey.
My only wish is that you all are healthy and that we all laugh a lot together. Let us walk onward towards a more spring-like spring day. You all went through a lot this year/well done. I hope we can be a source of strength to you.
Do remember they can’t cancel the spring.
Happy New Year (wishing you lots of luck/fortune in the new year) !
(T/N: *아름드리 나무 (beautiful tree) is the wording Namjoon’s counselor/therapist used several years ago to reassure Namjoon when Namjoon was worried he thinks and talks too much. The tree analogy is mentioned and explained in his BTS Live : RM 🍊 Vlive)
Trans cr: Amy @ bts-weverse-trans
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