A little too much

anyway i'm sad mad n lonely. and it's not wven b/c my boyfriend drank a whole 4loko between getting off work at 4 and 6:30 when i went to pick him up from our house to chill at the house we're sitting but instead, big surprise, he threw up and opted to stay @ home... but just going over to see my mom was because of a stupid incident that she went straight to blaming me and not acknowledging any part she may have played into.. and during the immediate following moments when she was checking after her spooked cat, i had that i'm gonna get fucking ripped into unjustly and i'm just gonna have to take like like i've learned to take abuse my whole life!! and it's not like anything that happened today was actually that bad i just am incapable of coping with myself. i think it'll be a fat bowl, and bottle of wine in the bath sort of evening

nobody makes me wanna take myself out of this world that the person who brought me in it

an esp teetery day and now that suicidal ideation is back haha i was wondering where that went

i'm back (for the night) it was really super awesome not going on tumblr but my self esteem took a big shit i weighed myself at a record low 112 lbs yesterday and felt really terrible about that esp b/c i thought i had been doing a good job of eating when i was hungry but i keep getting smaller?? so i guess not when half of the days i forget to eat anything until 4 pm anyway so my bad and i feel so ashamed to talk about it b/c how do i say hey i have a problem with eating that stems from having very little money or energy for meal planning and preparation that's cyclical b/c i get hungry and then have no energy or pantry or clean dishes enough to make myself anything ang it looks like laziness or like i'm starving myself to look like i do ( i don't like how much pleasure i take in fitting that much closer to the 'standard of beauty' ) anyway point is i don't very much like myself atm and feel bad in a grand all general way anyway people don't like to hear skinny girls complain about being skinny.

anyway i'm super drunk, drunk enough to decide to listen to tracic kingdom. also i haven't been on tumblr since i got randomly logged off and it was sucj sweet relief fromt bis shitty websiteb so i'm honna post about it rather than drunk twxtkbg anybody.