venting
brought up the whole adhd thing to my mom and wow that could not have gone any worse LMAO. Asian family as always still at a mindset where having mental issues is a shame to the family... lol. They talked it over with my sis' bf who also has adhd (hyperactive one, not the same) and wow he might be the only fucking person in the room who isn't an npc I swear. He brought up it might also be depression (it probably is, I've been thinking so) and of course my millennial sister's reaction is "what do you have to be sad about" followed by my mom joking with her over it... like... lol... ok... alright... i talked some days ago about literally this exact fucking phrase in relation to lhn parents and fucking lol. lmao. Fucking exact on the money with her reaction. Seriously. To sis' bf's credit at least he had the mind to say "you can't say it like that one lah..." which is probably the first intellectual thing I've ever heard spoken in this household. Haha.
And in the first place I brought it up because I wanted to get on meds for it- followed by my mom's immediate denial over the whole drugs thing and then proceeding to search up side effects to convince herself of whatever fucking bullshit she's on. Then trying to tell me to just find a way to cope with it instead. ???? Bitch??? What the fuck have i been doing the past 20 years???? I only bring it up because it was getting too much in the first place. I'm barely passing my uni exams as is and with professional exams coming up i know I'll actually need to study instead of wasting 20 hours a day thinking about studying. I'm just. So tired. There really are people who cant comprehend pain worse than their own and assume therefore it must not exist at all. What a blissful life huh. I've always known i have very low empathy but im starting to believe my sister really has no inner world. I won't be surprised really. Really.
Back on the meds topic she was comparing adhd meds to anti-depressants and talking about it in such a negative way that. You know, keep it up and I WILL be on those too, yknow. Fucking laugh, I swear. I should've just not told anybody, now nothing at all gets solved AND they get more ammo to bitch about me. You think im being dramatic from all this but it literally happened already today, not once not twice not even thrice I lost count. Going all see this is why you have a problem then giving me looks. Wow. I really shouldn't have told. And then the nerve to say why didnt you tell earlier?? Like look, fucking look, I swear, this exact reaction is why I didn't. Incredible.
Im just
so tired
Tangentially related but my friends, esp rl truly dont understand how little freedom or free time I have. I'm just so exhausted. It really does feel like being the fuckass kid in omelas to bear the misfortune of being born and growing up in this house because holy shit what did I do man. I truly believe that if someone else were in my place they'd have genuinely killed themselves long ago. And yet I still stand! Small things to be proud of. Fucking insane. Or maybe theyre less of a coward and actually sought to smash things up and make it right by them? Like lhn? Hahaha.
More thoughts: they thoguht about sending me to a therapist or psychiatrist or smth, I kinda... dont want to... like damn why am I paying sormone so i can list out every single thing wrong with me in alphabetical order to some mf. I already know whats the problem just give the meds and go I swear... and more likely than not im probably just gonna end up lying to said person anyway. The fact that my family will have involvement in this is also another huge reason, because wow. I have a vivid memory of accompanying my friend to in-school counseling, for some friend group issues when we were 13. I kept deferring back to her whenever the counselor asked questions, looking back at her to see if she wanted to answer it truthfully. And what really struck me was... she did? You're willingly gonna trust her so easily? You're actually laying out all the cards on the table? I was just kinda shocked on the spot then, still am. All this to say I've always been me, hah. I know this isn't a good mindset and id have to correct it if I want to get anything out of therapy, but yknow. How do you just trust some rando like that? Maybe the fact that the therapist is being paid for this is a huge motivator, hah, because damn if all that money is getting wasted.
Last one- given this fuckign reaction over smth considered reasonably very mild. Can you imagine the nuclear fucking explosion if I ever wanted to come out as trans. Can you imagine that. Can you. I could laugh. Well, that solidified my choice, because what the fuck, truly. And yes as well, my sister is also transphobic and I know this because she had a friend she started distancing from because they started going by they/them. Well. I've truly never thought someone could be this blank-brained npc but lo and behold it's my very own sister. How incredible.
Another one on the topic of my family not taking anything mental seriously is some years back i fainted from anxiety and fear during an eye checkup when the doctor was going to flip my eyelid. Shit sounds terrifying, yknow. Anyway it obviously traumatised me to the point where I instantly start tearing up and crying at the mention of it, and? Wanna guess. My father starts laughing and making fun of me, purposely bringing it up just to see the same instant triggered reaction from me. These people aren't fucking real man, I swear.
