This story came to me while I was finishing up Vessel and it slowly solidified over the course of like two weeks before I put it down to paper.

Of course there are some things that come out when I’m writing that always surprise me. So at first it was just going to be about how Ilya is starting to lose it and Shane is trying to hide it — I had the idea pretty early on that it would be like a Groundhog Day thing where every day is the same but they don’t care because Shane’s autism loves the routine and Ilya doesn’t notice that their days repeat.

But then that felt too unkind to Ilya for him to be the only one with something to hide. Even if he didn’t know he was hiding it. Like it felt too condescending, almost, and I really didn’t want it to be like Shane is taking care of Ilya who has become like a child in his own age. It didn’t feel fair or true to either of them. So that’s when I decided that Shane would also be disabled and Ilya would also be taking care of him by doing things around the house that Shane can’t anymore, and him trying to hide that too.

Important note: Shane believes he was disabled by hockey/for hockey — but really, who knows what his body would have looked like without it! And he is deeply embarrassed by his failing body while being overly protective of Ilya’s failing mind. Ilya is not too far gone yet in this story but you know Shane thinks he can outrun death and dementia for them both by doing sudokus and eating the right food and doing the right exercises. Science says so! But of course he’s wrong.

Daniela came about because I am very interested in Shane and Ilya as parents, and them actively choosing to be parents, and then being totally blindsided by how hard parenting is and how it brings up things you didn’t even know were issues inside you. Like you can do all the therapy you want but parenting really puts you through the fucking ringer. And Daniela being a Japanese adoptee who came to Canada at ~6 months old and immediately needed surgery, I just feel like Shane and Ilya would have been like oh yeah we can do this! We’re the best in the world! And then realized they had all this unresolved anger and grief that comes out in various ways throughout her childhood… I don’t believe they’d be perfect enlightened parents like a lot of fics tend to make them out to be. I think Ilya DOES have a temper and a Slavic upbringing that would come out in different ways, and Shane DOES try to control the variables of his life and has issues with food and ambition that would affect his child. I am a stepmom and with two high-needs kids so this is specifically why I really wanted to explore that.

Of course they are so so so so rich and that adds another dimension to parenting. Like they probably never told Daniela no for anything that matters. She never had to like, take a babysitting job or work at an ice cream parlour in the summer. They had cleaners and cooks and nannies and landscapers and everything else. So she is spoiled and used to getting her way and very forceful in what she wants. Like Shane thinks she climbed the ladder of sports media the way everybody else did through hard work and charisma but come on. Who is saying no to Daniela Hollander-Rozanova when she asks for something? Absolutely nobody. Not even her parents.

Also, I hope it was clear that while Shane thinks Daniela is just like Ilya and she has almost no personality traits of Shane’s (and he probably has a complex about it), Ilya thinks that Daniela is 100% Hollander. The traits they love the most about each other is what they see in their daughter.

Here’s a few things that didn’t make it into the final cut:

- Shane was actually really pissed when Daniela decided not to go pro after university. I think it hurt him a lot that she didn’t want to follow in their footsteps and he and Ilya probably had a big fight about it. He says in the story ‘it only hurts a little bit’ but that’s just another thing he’s hiding from her and himself. Yuna was also probably pissed but by then she was pretty old and didn’t have much say in the matter.

- Arthur Pike calls Shane every Sunday to chat.

- The cat doesn’t have a name because Ilya could never remember it and this was the first sign Shane saw that something was wrong.

- I did not write down a timeline and probably fucked up the years and such.

- Rachel Reid said at one point that Hollanov’s ‘forever argument’ is who gets to drive the car and I just love that and it felt so right for them to include it — with a twist that Ilya cannot drive anymore. But the argument persists.

- The very first piece of dialogue I wrote down for this was the scene where Daniela asks if Shane’s ever done anything just because he wanted to do it, not because it was good for him. And Shane thinks ?? I married Ilya and adopted a child from Japan and received death threats for both of those things. Is that not enough for you people. BUT I think Daniela knows this and believes that her father has spent his whole life punishing himself for this want by being so strict with his food/schedules/routine etc. Shane does not see it this way — he believes he is doing this so he can have Daniela and Ilya for as long as possible. They are probably both a little right.