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Toji was an enigma.

He wasn’t really a childhood friend but you’ve seen him since you were young–he was always alone. Always outside of his family’s home.

Back then, the one time you tried talking to him under a shade of the ginkgo tree in a hill just near your home, he flat out ignored you, he continued reading a book that looked worn out.

You tried again and again, akin to a cat you’ve taken care of. You used to think it was the same for him. Your other friends’ convinced you not to talk with him, they deemed him unapproachable and scary. Never agreeing with them but you think of Toji, just like a cat, ignoring you but will grow accustomed to you until the end. You think you were so smart back then, when he finally looked up to you. Those emerald eyes staring back at you, a frown on his lips. He doesn’t have the scar yet. You can still hear the cicadas, the wind blowing coolly, making the trees rustle, and a sweat forming on your back and forehead from playing.

“Do you wanna play?”

“No.”

The next day you return, you bought a children’s book, plopped down next to him under the shade, prickles of dewy grass through your legs and started reading. He stares at you for a moment before returning to read again. You didn’t talk to him much but you can tell for the next few days, his eyes started looking at you.

“What are you 5?”

It offended you when he first spoke, eyes glancing down at your book before back at you. You were 12, thank you very much, and he was probably 14 or 15. You were reading a Japanese folktale about Tama, the waving cat you’ve seen in restaurants that denotes luck for business. It was a short tale you enjoyed.

One time you bought a western book, it was called ‘ The Little Prince’, and your mother lent it to you. This time the young boy’s eyes changed a bit, you can feel him glancing at the book you were reading and back at you. He does this a few times. It seems he wants to read it as well. You also bought an ice candy or frozen popsicle with fruity flavors, you tried giving it to him but he only shook his head.

“I don’t want that, it's cold.” You only shrugged at him and started munching your popsicle, closing the book you didn’t finish but you can feel his eyes staring at it on your hand. You can hear his finger tapping his worn out book,“I want to read that.” He couldn’t seem to keep his mouth shut, curiosity finally overriding his brain. You grinned but stopped yourself. The cat took the bait, you think back then.

“Okay, what’s your name first?” You ask him, opening the book again, you didn’t understand the story much back then though you enjoyed reading the Prince’s adventures.

“Zenin Toji.”

You’ve heard the Zenin Family can be quite proud and a mean bunch, conservatives too, one of the old money types of richest here in your province. You remembered him wearing a Yukata. Their family always wears one. They were one of the famous sword dwellers around the country.

You’ve lent it to him, you can see his eyes shine upon reading. After reading, you see a small smile on his face and it was the first time you’ve seen it. It was summer so it was inevitable to start sweating, especially if one is wearing a dark yukata. You offered him the frozen popsicles again, he only stared at them, eyes looking back at you again before settling to get one.

It's been a few weeks of the same routine, school hasn’t started yet so you freely hang out with him. You talk about the books you both read, folktales mostly. You started bantering, his witty remarks at the fables you’ve chosen.

“Do you even know my name?” You asked him one time, he only nods back, eyes focused on the book he is still reading, it was a new one. It was about Yuki-Onna, the mysterious snow woman of Japan, a yōkai or spirit.

It was also the first time you heard your name spoken from his lips.

“How did you know?!”

“Stupid.” He remarked, pointing at your name from the back cover. Your eyes went wide, right you did write your name on the back cover before glaring at him, “I’m not stupid, you assho- you meanie. I just forgot.”

You can hear your mother already scolding you for saying a bad word but you can’t help it if you're hearing your grandfather curse at annoying customers. Toji is annoying for saying you’re stupid.

To your surprise, amusement mirths in his eyes as he lets out a short laugh. “You can curse, ya’ know.”

You also started to notice that he gets the same color of popsicle with the same color of what you would pick. It continued on, until you tricked him and didn’t bring any color of the same popsicle. Much to your excitement and was looking forward to it, he didn’t get one and said he didn't feel like eating sweets that time.

That day was also the last time you’ve seen him.

The next day, you sat under the shade alone, you bought the book that piqued his curiosity in the first place. A bit bummed out as school starts tomorrow, you left the book near its hollow when some of your friends asked you to play with them. You went home and completely forgot about it.

It was dinner time, you were eating tonkatsu filled with gravy, your feet kicking from the floor at the dining table. When your mother learned you were befriending a Zenin, she was alarmed and warned you to never associate with a Zenin. Your grandfather scolds your mother while father watches from the side quietly.

“It’s not the kid’s fault he was born to a corrupt family.”

Before going to sleep, you had asked your father about it, “Just follow your mother.” He just said. Following your mother’s advice, you never really went back to the hill near your home, although secretly you believe your grandfather’s words. Whenever your mother asks something to buy, you almost always stop by the hill with your bike but he wasn’t there.

Seasons changed, flowers fell, the leaves that used to sway from the tree are deemed empty, the white snowflakes continue falling, it recently just started snowing. You hugged your thick white jacket tighter around you, your hair you had forgotten to tie, speckles of snow spread in your hair, you’re a bit taller now and that’s when you saw him under the shade again. The same lush green eyes you grew to look forward to notice your gaze, he stares at you. Against your better judgment, you went even near, you could hear your mother’s warning voice yet your grandfather’s voice was louder.

‘It’s not his fault he was a Zenin’

The same way seasons have changed, you noticed he was different now. He was now taller, hair longer obscuring the view of his ears. He still wears a yukata, and you hope it still offers him warmth from the cold. Taking a few steps towards him, he has deep eye bags, his eyes—they look dimmed, tired. There seems to be a bit of bruises on some of his face, there's also a wound on the side of his mouth, it looks deep, you winced. His eyes focusing on you, he blinks a few times slowly.

“Thought you were Yuki-onna.” He chuckles lifelessly. You notice the breath of cold winter air from his lips. Toji crosses his arms, attention full back at you, with furrowed eyebrows and a tone a bit demanding. “What do you want?”

“I- Are you okay?” You asked and you think it was so idiotic, he sneers at you visibly. You almost tremble, never mind the winter air as you feel almost humiliated. You blink.

“Do I look like I’m fucking doing okay?”

“No.”

He clicks his tongue, glaring at you. “Now you can leave me alone.”

The warning signs rang through your head. You gulped, took another step closer but Toji stands still, eyes darker.

“Toji, what happened?”

“It’s none of your fucking business, I just said leave me alone.”

“But we’re friends—”

Toji lets out an incredulous laugh, “We’re not, you were the one who approached me.” He emphasized the last part. “I never thought of you as one, you made that shit up through your head.”

You felt something sink in your stomach, stepping back, your lips trembled and a barbed wire feeling around your throat. You fight back the tears threatening to fall. You were always weaker at your emotions, clenching your fists through the gloves. Glad for the winter air, your tears didn’t fall. You felt heat rising in your face, your heart started beating fast as you scowled at him back.

Taking the glove from your left hand, you threw it to his face fast.

“You’re an asshole.”

Toji remains unfazed, eyes almost dead. Your left hand starts getting colder but you never minded it as you turn around, your feet aching, and walking away quickly.

Unbeknownst to you, Toji continues staring at the place you left until you were gone from his view. He sighs wearily, holding the bridge of his nose before he strikes the tree with his fist, Toji stares at knuckles, now a bit aching and red. He felt exhaustion kick in now, the bruises in his body and face seem to taunt and made its existence even more.

He looks down and stares at the glove you left, its color the same as his aching fist, the glove seems to glower at him. He steps on it against the snow.

Through your anger, you didn’t notice how fast you went home from the bike. Your parents are shocked at your wild appearance, a missing glove and your hair unkempt. You look hurt. They thought you were mugged but you just said that you fell on your bike. Not sure if they believed you, when they looked at each other. You ignored their questioning gazes as you went to your room, closed the door loudly and lied down, your tears freely falling this time, crying your heart out just because some boy was mean.

That was the last time you saw him when you were 12.

❄️

When you turned 16, you met Jin in high class. He moved into your little province with his father. The first thing you noticed was his naturally pink hair, he slid the glasses up to his face when introducing. A bit shy, he sat next to you and naturally you learned about each other more.

Jin was kind and nerdy, he likes reading books and baking. He also seems to know a lot of video games. Getting close to him was easy like how spring came to view, it was pretty and blooming.

Late into Valentines, Jin was sweating, a huge blush on his face when he held a bouquet of red roses, now a bit wobbly from how hard he grips. Against the backdrop of the pink cherry blossoms, the roses shine even more.

You blushed, smiling as you accepted the flowers and the confession. You both became a couple. It was pure bliss being by Jin’s side.

The ginkgo tree near your home, bleeds against the sunset. It is Autumn now. You bought a picnic basket, Jin wanted to spend the day with you, and you suggested a picnic would be nice. The wind blows and you tuck in your hair as you open the basket, a red stripe blanket in view. You quickly stood up, unfolded the blanket and laid it on top of the grass.

A shadow came into view against the tree, you heard light footsteps and a presence on your back. You lightly chuckle, taking out a few popsicles. “That was fast—”

Turning around, a light blue yukata was the first thing you’ve seen, you raise your head to see Toji. The same green eyes looking at you, his hair still long and a noticeable scar on his mouth. He looks bigger now that you’ve seen him up close. It seems like he was back at home now after hearing he was sent to a private school somewhere in Tokyo. His eyes darted through your hand.

“You still like those popsicles, huh.”

“What do you want?” You turn away from him, opening the basket, getting other refreshments. Your voice can’t help but be harsh. Truth to be told, you almost wanted to forgive him, given the circumstances but you just can’t, you were hurt, it was a short time but you considered him a friend you genuinely enjoyed being with.

“On a date?” He asks back, you clenched your jaw at his audacity to ask you. It was shivering, the cold air. His voice is much deeper now. Where was Jin anyway? It's just sandwiches that you had forgotten at the kitchen counter. What's taking him so long? You muled in your mind.

“I don’t think it's any of your fucking business,” You said, done with this conversation. Standing up, you almost crane your neck because when did he get so tall. You stared dagger in his eyes but he returned them with tilt and an amusing chuckle. The sunset turned golden against Toji’s back, a soft glow contrasting to his sharp features and you hated the sight even more.

“Feisty,” he grins back at you, eyes almost sparkling. You scoff at his remark, he’s not taking your anger seriously. “Still mad at our last conversation?”

“Yes.” You said through gritted teeth. “And it was not a conversation, you were mad at me for asking if you’re okay! Now 4 years have passed and you try to strike up a conversation as if nothing happened?”

Toji keeps staring at you, you also noticed he doesn’t look quite as tired now like years before, if he was engaging you in something you think would be stupid for him.

Moments passed yet the man you are mad at is still quiet. Eyes only staring at you.

Breathing hard after saying all that, sighing, you closed your eyes and stretched your neck to the side. This was supposed to be a relaxing day to end with Jin.

“You know what? I’m done.”

Seems like this isn’t going anywhere, given that Toji doesn’t think much about the situation, it was just you who was at the receiving end. You know how the Zenin family has something to do with it, but the lashing out was uncalled for, it's just like you were holding a grudge for nothing all this time. You think that maybe you took it too seriously but his words hurted you. It doesn’t excuse how he treated you when you were just concerned. So no, you don’t want to be a doormat. “I don’t want to get involved with you.”

You took a step away from the blanket, grabbed it hastily and tucked it inside the basket, uncaring if it's crumpled. You can still feel his eyes on you. Standing straight, you glared at him once more before you were starting to quickly walk away when he called your name. You resolved yourself to not listen to whatever he has to say but Toji was quicker, he held your arm. It was warm and you hate the feeling, you tried removing his hand but he took your hand with him, his fingers almost intertwining between yours to not let it escape. You felt a shiver.

He calls your name again and your heart pounds.

“Then do you want me to say sorry?” He speaks nearly as softly. Toji turns you towards him. His scent almost envelopes you. This time you can even see his face clearer, he was still gazing at your eyes. “Sorry I was an asshole?” You watch his eyes go down—you had to physically push him away.

“I don’t know! You should know that.” You exclaimed, gripping the basket harder.

What the hell was he trying to do? Before you could even go, you snap back. “Asking what I want? feels insincere.”

Toji lets out a sigh before he speaks, and maintains the distance now. “I’m sorry for being an asshole. I’m not justifying how I felt back then.”

“I’m just sorry for lashing out at you. ”

You both stare at each other, another gust of wind hits both of you. The chilly cold autumn certainly is here. A few leaves fall from the ginkgo tree and you can see Toji let out a small smile at you. You were the first to look away when you heard someone call your name.

Your boyfriend. Right.

“Jin! What took you so long?”

“Dad had just a few errands, you know how he gets.” He says apologetically, his hand running through his pink hair, his eyes turning from you to Toji. Eyes back at you and you can see through his glasses. He was questioning you.

“That’s Zen–”

The taller man interrupts you and crosses his arms, a smug smile on his face. “Just call me Toji.” You kept your mouth shut after that. It was of course a sensitive topic, you just learned he now hates using it.

“I’m …” Toji says your name quietly, “..friend.”

“We’re not friends, you’re just making that shit up in your head.” You answered back at him, this time Toji lets out a hearty laugh at your response, his hand in his stomach. You felt an uncomfortable churning in your stomach the way it felt warm hearing it, he grins back at you, you just rolled your eyes at him.

“A childhood friend then.” Toji says, he looks lighter now after your little remark.

You hear Jin let out an uncomfortable cough when he notices your gaze lingering at Toji’s. Awkwardly, you took a step back and took your boyfriend’s hand, intertwining it between yours. You can feel Toji’s eyes on them, he crosses his arms once again, finger tapping.

You can’t make what is now brewing in those green eyes of his.

“Toji, this is Jin, my boyfriend.” You start. The taller man only nods, contrary to his mood earlier. He was neither smiling or frowning. Jin was smiling politely yet Toji schools his expression as he looks at you. He yawns.

“Nice to meet you.” He greets back, eyes flickering towards Jin with a lack of interest. Before you can even take note of it, he speaks again. “I better get back, see ya lovebirds.” He waves at you, leaving while you continue staring at his back, walking down the hill. A flutter of autumn leaves falls.

You feel a nudge and when you turn, Jin smiles, holding the bag of sandwiches in your face. “Let’s eat?”

The mood became lighter, as you fixed the picnic again. Laid down blanket, a pretty sunset and good company. You both ate the sandwiches, a comfortable conversation follows.

At some point, the mood died down. Sunset turned lilac ones, the birds are going home now. It was serene.

Jin was quiet, so you sat near beside him. Laying your head on his shoulder, opposed to what you felt earlier… this is what you should be feeling. Secured, comfortable. Just like the spring that blooms and is pretty to look at.

“You alright?”

You hear him ask when you close your eyes. A hum was the only reply you could give, another rustle from the wind sings you a lullaby to sleep. You felt a warm cloth enveloping you, a scent akin to a vanilla. You snuggled further.

Moments later, Jin wakes you up. Face close, his gentle gaze on you, short pink hair and glasses you adore on him, while your eyesight starts to adjust from the nap.

“It’s already night time, let’s go?”

Smiling at him, he stares at you shyly, eyes looking down on your lips.

“Pretty…” He murmurs, you can see him gulping and an autumn colored on his cheeks. “May I?” Jin touches your cheek, fingers caressing. You just nod and feel Jin’s soft lips on yours. You both closed your eyes. It was anything you wished for.

Long enough you had just forgotten dreaming of a yukata and snow falling, and eyes that can’t stray away from you.

🍓🍓🍓