it’s okay if you give me nothing,
i know how to be a good starved dog.
— strawberries (excerpt #291) from “Surface Tension”
Not today Justin

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@strawbberries
it’s okay if you give me nothing,
i know how to be a good starved dog.
— strawberries (excerpt #291) from “Surface Tension”

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oh my god i am so sad tonight
or maybe it’s the hollowed-out feeling
i’ve had since the first time you
kissed me goodbye.
we are nothing but a thousand “almosts”
and the silence in figuring out what to say;
we are casual and fun and light-hearted
and i’ve never cried over you
and i’ve never missed you
and i’ve never begged and bargained
with God to have you.
i never think about your hands or laugh
and i hardly notice your toothbrush on the sink;
you are not mine and i am not yours.
i am clenching my teeth as hard as i can
but it is always raining in my head.
when the rain rolls down my face
it tastes like the sweat dripping
off your body into my mouth and
it tastes like when i was crying
on the bathroom floor.
— strawberries (excerpt #290) from “Surface Tension”
you are the vase while i am the flowers;
you are the smile lines and i am a glower.
you are the house while i am the paint;
you are the name and i am a face.
you are the earth upon which i walk;
you are tattoo ink and i am sidewalk chalk.
— strawberries (excerpt #289) from “Surface Tension”
how can i separate myself from you?
you are the circles spinning around me
to the smell of soap and cigarettes
and an old country song
you’re humming against my hair.
you are a gutting smile
and eyes that notice everything;
you are the only person who
laughs as much as i do.
my neighbor hung flowers from his mailbox
and i don’t really know why i cried—
i only wish we had a mailbox or flowers
or that you couldn’t live without me.
day and night and day and night
i am haunted by a future
that may never exist.
— strawberries (excerpt #288) from “Surface Tension”
when the end has come
and the world burns around me,
i will think only of how
your brown eyes must look
in the explosive sunlight.
when the bombs and gunfire
deafen me for good,
still your laugh will tickle
the shells of my ears.
and when the radiation eats away
every inch of skin on my body,
it will not erase your touch.
this world is not eternal,
and maybe you were never really mine—
but for just a moment
before i collapse,
it is enough.
— strawberries (excerpt #287) from “Surface Tension”

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perhaps i have not dug deep enough,
perhaps there is more here to unearth;
perhaps i have only hit the
false bottom of loving you
and never being loved by you.
dawn is not far off—
the seasons have changed,
and i have kept digging.
the dirt turns to clay
and the clay to stone,
i know i am too far down
to ever climb back out.
my shovel is dull and
my arms are tired, but
perhaps i will dig and dig
until i find you or until
my heart explodes.
how deep is your love?
how deep is your love?
there is nothing left for me
on the surface;
you will not be waiting for me.
— strawberries (excerpt #286) from “Surface Tension”
i want you, i want you, i want you to
hurt me so i don’t have to destroy myself.
i miss you, your hands, your voice in
the dark of my bedroom before dawn—
i writhe and i suffer all night long,
suffocated by your absence,
tormented by your sweetness.
hurt me, please—bite deeper, i beg you.
leave me with a scar if not your heart.
i want your kisses to bruise and
i want your glances to welt.
i want to burn and burn and burn
until i am the soot
under your fingernails
— strawberries (excerpt #285) from “Surface Tension”
you’re watching me again,
black eyes narrowed in,
two strides and our noses almost touch.
you want me to cower, to look away,
but i don’t, i never do.
i grin, and you grin too.
your whole life they said you were bad,
that you needed to be fixed,
that you were nothing but anger and spite.
a fist through the drywall,
a few beers, a line, and a bar fight.
always making so much fucking noise,
you can’t hear the thoughts over your own voice.
but you are so quiet when we’re alone—
it’s like i can see all the way to your bones.
“don’t yell at me,” i plead.
“i would never yell at you.”
tell me, where are all your teeth?
this makes no sense, and too damn much,
you have her and i have him, but
if i’m being honest,
i love our staring contests.
at night i imagine your body over mine,
hands crossing line after line.
i make you vulnerable
and you make me immoral.
it is terrible to want you,
but i do
and you
want me
too
— strawberries (excerpt #284) from “Last Call”
i am drowning in your bedroom,
getting high off your sheets,
praying to the odds and ends
on your nightstand.
i am happy—i am dying—
this place is a womb,
this place is a grave,
this is somewhere i should
never have wanted to go.
your house is haunted—
it is filled with the ghosts of what you and i
might have become.
i’m standing in your bathroom
cataloging every trimmed hair on the sink
because i cannot look at my reflection.
—strawberries (excerpt #283) from “Surface Tension”

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fuck off im in love with you and i hate you and you’re everything i’ve ever wanted and i wish i never met you and i think about you all the fucking time and i never want to see you again please call me
— strawberries (excerpt #282) from “Surface Tension”
i had a dream you had honey on your skin,
i had a dream that you didn’t want me.
i watched you laughing with my mom and friends,
i was wishing i knew how to be what you need.
you held my hand and opened every door,
and still you were slipping through my fingers.
“i would do anything for you,” i swore.
but when you leave, this emptiness only lingers.
not enough, not enough, not enough.
i am crawling after you, i am begging for you—
my heart is a desolate place, jagged, and rough,
adorned with your name in a thousand tattoos.
— strawberries (excerpt #281) from “Surface Tension”
I don’t mean it, but what more can you take from me?
i have loved—God, how i have loved.
i have tied rocks to my ego
and watched it sink as many times
as i watched it crawling back to me
through the sand.
i have cast my heart into the water
like a fishing net a thousand times,
and seen it pulled up empty
just as many.
still, every day at dawn, i heave and i
drag my boat across the beach.
but i mustn’t look from the horizon—
who will watch for you if not me?
so i sleep on the shore, and
i drink the seawater as i bathe in it.
i’m building you a castle with the
prettiest shells i can find.
i’m building it in silence.
i eye the stars to make sure
they haven’t become sailors,
and i listen to the howl of the wind
inside my heart.
tomorrow, yes—tomorrow,
i’ll go for a swim, i swear it.
i’ll go early, but not too early, and
just for a minute or two—
tomorrow the tides might bring you in.
the thought burns my eyes like salt
and i dig my pruned fingers down
into the sand to stop their shaking.
maybe all these stones
were once patient women
— strawberries (excerpt #280) from “Surface Tension”
you’re holding my face, smiling at me.
the sun is shining on me, and
i can see a warmth pouring from your eyes
that wasn’t there before. my chest swells with
anticipation as you lean in to kiss me,
my cheeks flushed and a small
tinkering laugh escaping my lips.
nothing can take away this moment.
nothing can take this feeling from me—
wait. wait—as i close my eyes, i see her.
ice floods my body.
my shadow, crumpled on the ground.
she weeps at your feet, grabbing at your knees
as she throws herself against you;
oh, god, the sounds,
my god, how she screams and wails—!
she’s clawing at herself—aren’t you going to help her?
look, she needs you! help her!
desperate, ugly creature, starved to death!
don’t you see her?
don’t you feel her broken nails?
don’t you smell the blood?
— strawberries (excerpt #279) from “Surface Tension”

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when i’m at rock bottom again and
im clawing my organs from my body and
sobbing and screaming and bleeding out,
i look over and he’s right there with me.
there are two carved hearts lying in the dirt.
he does not promise that everything will be okay.
but he does hold my hand and
in that moment i know that
love is meaningless
without pain
— strawberries (excerpt #278) from “Surface Tension”
FOR ONE MOMENT I AM
DROWNING IN YOUR SILENCE
AND IN THE NEXT I AM
BURIED IN YOUR DESIRE
YOUR EYES BURN HOLES IN ME
AND YOUR ATTENTION IS VIOLENCE
YOU WONT ASK ME HOW MY DAY WAS
BUT YOU MIGHT STAY THE NIGHT
IF THIS IS WHAT YOUR INDIFFERENCE FEELS LIKE
THEN YOUR LOVE MUST BE A CARVING KNIFE
—strawberries (excerpt #277) from “Surface Tension”