Nobody I know understands how Iâm feeling right now. How could they? I feel like Iâm living in some kind of goddamn soap opera. My ex-girlfriend is pregnant. The woman that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, the woman that I loved more than Iâve ever been able to love myself is carrying the child of another man. And all this just 6 months after leaving me. Leaving me after nearly 4 years together, and during the most difficult part of my life when I really needed someone to lean on.Â
Iâm furious, upset, and hurt more deeply than I ever thought I could be. I thought my nights of crying myself to sleep over her were done, but here we are. I try to put on a brave face and be strong for those around me, but Iâm not. I havenât really told many people this, but when she left me, I seriously considered taking my own life. I didnât, because I knew I needed to be strong for everyone around me. For my dad who was still in the hospital, for my cat who was still just a kitten, and for my friends for whom Iâve always needed to be a rock. I had to be strong and I had to get through it because I wasnât the only one that depended on me. I had to wade through the shit and I came out the other side a different man. I didnât, but Iâd be lying if I said there werenât nights I didnât come close. I still keep a bottle of Draino and a pack of razors under my sink as a reminder of what I came close to.Â
She doesnât know that. She knows she hurt me, but doesnât know how much. And I donât know, maybe some part of me wants her to see this; wants her to suffer knowing that she broke me. And this is just rubbing salt in all those wounds. But I know Iâm not a part of her life anymore. I know that itâs not fair for me to tell her this when she seems so happy without me. Itâs so hard, and I need to get through it. But every time I say something to one of my friends they just say I need to move on. How can they know what Iâm feeling? How would they have any idea? Iâm not okay and I donât know what to do about it. Iâm not in danger of hurting myself; Iâm past that and Iâm working on learning to be happy again, but it hurts so goddamn much.
