An Honorable Villain

I left all that I had of me in 2018 and I've not functioned properly since then.

I watched my friends walk away from me and now their presence - or lack thereof- circles me from just outside of my peripheral vision. Just a little too deep beneath my barely treading water feet. I can't see them, but every once in a while I feel the remnants of their wake bump against my soul and in response, I shatter.

Only for a ephemeral moment. If the layman blinks he would miss it. He'd miss seeing me frantically pressing the pieces that fall out of place back into myself. He wouldn't know to look closer at all those pieces, he'll never realize they're not actually in place.

My heart is like a freezer door that you slam shut before all the stuff you shoved in comes tumbling out.

I am divided.

I lasso what bits of them I can find with these long, superfluous sentences.

At the same time,

These sentences string together and tie themselves around my waist, a tether to the world I live in, a tether to the dock that I walk myself off of.

I won't ever get to actually tell them I miss you. And I don't think the sentiment is returned.