Journey of brokenness

It's only 10 minutes and I'm in a very good mood. 10 minutes walking around outside on my own. Just 10 minutes, but those few minutes change everything for me again. My good mood is replaced by anger and hatred. I'm less than 2 minutes out of the front door and a man starts walking right next to me. Of course he approaches me and asks if we want to go for a drink together. I decline and ask him to leave me alone. Nothing happens, he keeps trying to convince me to go with him. He continues to walk close to me. I get louder and tell him again that he should go. Fortunately, he then turns off down the next side street. I immediately feel lighter and try to simply block out this situation and not let it get me down. Just a few minutes later, a car pulls up right next to me. Another man chatting me up, saying he wants to drive me home. I tell him to shut up and I kept walking. Of course, he drives slowly alongside me and continues to gawp at me. What the fuck is this situation again? He speaks to me again, I refuse to have a conversation with him. I get louder again, then the car accelerates and drives off at high speed. Luckily he didn't follow me home is my first thought as I look at his tail lights. I keep walking, there are only a few minutes left until I can enter my front door. On the last few metres to my flat, a group of men come towards me on the pavement. They take up the whole space and I try to dodge them to the right. I can hardly get any closer to the wall and the next moment I'm lying on the ground. These men have pushed me off the path that I've stepped into a small hole at the edge. I bent over and fell down and the men just start laughing stupidly. How can I be humiliated so much in 10 minutes? So much misogyny all at once. Then I get home and all I can do is crying. crying because I've been shown again how little respect I'm shown as a woman. crying because of men - again.

i panic inside, feel it spreading inside me and a stabbing pain starts in my chest. this pain is almost satisfying because i can finally feel something again. But I know exactly that this pain is not allowed to get out of hand. this pain is almost unbearable when it has fully developed. I realise how I'm losing contact with my body more and more. I feel a tingling in my hands, I look at them and my gaze goes straight ahead. Now I know it's getting worse. My gaze becomes duller, my body loses tension. I'm shaking more than usual. I pinch my forearms and feel nothing. what do i do now? i know myself in a situation like this. i need to ground myself. i start to disappear into my private sphere. As much as i want to disappear, there is a will to survive inside me. this will makes me go under the shower. when i sit under the shower, i feel my body again. then i ground myself. then i can come down. i can escape the panic attack. but everything is different than usual. when the water splashes on my skin, i feel pain. the pain that was just in my chest is now on my skin. How can I stop it? How can I escape this pain? The only thing I can think of is drugs. Drugs to stop feeling. to stop suffering. to stop breaking down. the only thing I can think of is drugs. the only thing I can think about is drugs. Drugs to stop feeling. to stop suffering. to stop breaking down. the next moment, I'm sitting in the shower with a bottle of high-proof alcohol. i can feel the hot water pattering on my skin. i can only tell it's hot because it's steaming. i haven't been able to feel my body for a long time and now it's especially bad. and it's all because of him.

new chapter.