#journeyofbrokenness

i panic inside, feel it spreading inside me and a stabbing pain starts in my chest. this pain is almost satisfying because i can finally feel something again. But I know exactly that this pain is not allowed to get out of hand. this pain is almost unbearable when it has fully developed. I realise how I'm losing contact with my body more and more. I feel a tingling in my hands, I look at them and my gaze goes straight ahead. Now I know it's getting worse. My gaze becomes duller, my body loses tension. I'm shaking more than usual. I pinch my forearms and feel nothing. what do i do now? i know myself in a situation like this. i need to ground myself. i start to disappear into my private sphere. As much as i want to disappear, there is a will to survive inside me. this will makes me go under the shower. when i sit under the shower, i feel my body again. then i ground myself. then i can come down. i can escape the panic attack. but everything is different than usual. when the water splashes on my skin, i feel pain. the pain that was just in my chest is now on my skin. How can I stop it? How can I escape this pain? The only thing I can think of is drugs. Drugs to stop feeling. to stop suffering. to stop breaking down. the only thing I can think of is drugs. the only thing I can think about is drugs. Drugs to stop feeling. to stop suffering. to stop breaking down. the next moment, I'm sitting in the shower with a bottle of high-proof alcohol. i can feel the hot water pattering on my skin. i can only tell it's hot because it's steaming. i haven't been able to feel my body for a long time and now it's especially bad. and it's all because of him.

new chapter.