bpd is hating yourself for being the way you are even though itâs not you who made you like this
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@stfu-carter
bpd is hating yourself for being the way you are even though itâs not you who made you like this

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itâs unfair that I have to try so hard to control the symptoms of my mental illnessâŚ
why canât I be normal?
I canât take this anymore. I just want to be a normal person with normal emotions, but Iâm not. Iâm fucking crazy with emotions so intense it makes you feel like youâre about to explode and shatter into a million fucking pieces.
Itâs so sad that some of the loveliest and kindest people hate themselves a lot.

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Do people understand that when you say âIâm tiredâ it doesnât mean âI didnât get enough sleep last nightâ or âI need more physical energyâ?
It means I am drained. I have been fighting through each day just to wake up and do it again. I am tired of existing in a world where everything feels like a struggle and nothing feels right. I am tired of fighting negative thoughts. I am tired of waking up.
Iâm so tired of being here. I want to go home. But where is my home.

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No one is more disappointed in me than I am.
Self harm doesnât always happen when a blade touches skin.
Itâs skipping meals because you donât feel like you deserve to eat today. Itâs drinking recklessly because you might have the âcourageâ do something stupid. Itâs smoking - not because you need the nicotine - because you know itâs bad for you. Itâs banging your head against a wall when youâre angry. Itâs crossing the road without looking because you lowkey hope a car might hit you. Itâs thinking about all the ways you could break a bone and make it look like an accident. Itâs not taking painkillers because you want to suffer. Itâs taking painkillers in excess because you know itâs dangerous. Itâs walking home the more dangerous way because youâre kind of half hoping youâll get attacked or raped or stabbed. Itâs going for long walks at night and getting chilled to the bone and hoping that you get lost so that you canât find your way back. Itâs seeking out triggering material. Itâs all the stupid little ways you punish yourself for existing.
Sometimes self harm happens when you put effort into depriving yourself of things you like or need, and sometimes it happens when you donât put any effort into doing the things you like or need.
Itâs a pattern of self-destructive behaviour, and it doesnât only happen in one way.
This sort of behavior is classified as âpara-suicidalâ Itâs putting yourself in a situation of danger or destruction with the intention of risking your safety rather than a direct attempt on your life. Kind of, leaving it all to chance? Also doing things to harm yourself or your self worth because you feel you deserve to feel the outcome of those actions.
BPD things that people don't talk about enough
Experiencing intrusive thoughts about manipulating/gaslighting/abusing someone into staying with them.
Getting headaches because you're so angry.
Finding relationships extremely hard to maintain because you always see it as closer than it is.
Wanting to ignore people for days/weeks/months because of something you did.
Subconsciously holding everyone to unattainable standards and getting upset when they can't meet them
Wanting people to enable your bad behaviour.
The fright upon realising someone is developing into your new FP
Refusing to meet new people because you're so tired of hurting yourself and them.
Being unable to tell the difference between a crush and an FP
Being delighted when you realise the person you're talking to has BPD as well.
Being extremely cautious even in cluster b safe spaces because it's never truly safe for all four disorders.
Associating someone you've known for years with a negative trait because they did it once and now your view of them is tainted.
Hating people you've never met because someone you're close to had a bad experience around them.
Grudge holding wayyyyy too much.
No emotional permanence whatsoever, so thinking you've had a terrible week because you forgot you were ever happy and thinking you had a great week despite it being fucking terrible because you're no longer upset.
splitting is wild because i can go from feeling like i have a decent support system of family & friends, to feeling like nobody has ever loved me and it's all been a lie and people just like to play with my head

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â Georgia O'Keeffe