Steps; A Bariatric Journal

In my attempt to continue to change old habits or really “ways that do not serve me”, I am following an Intermediate Fasting app. I like the app just fine. It focuses in lots of areas of your life, not just the eating parts. There are daily lessons, nuggets of information, busy work like filling in stats of weight loss, BP, steps walked in a day and even hours of sleep. 

To better help yourself or someone trying to do this to for them to feel supported but also have a well defined purpose or reason for doing such great work. This has tripped me up for some time so I find it a big deal to count it as a win. 

I was asked to answer the 3 questions, on a piece of paper in a quiet area and focus on what are my goals and reasons for weight loss surgery.  I have it posted on the frig, which is where they suggested, but I may copy it and put it on my bathroom mirror also. 

Hello again! Still here I see! Well come on in, I just spent the morning in the garden. My roommates garden actually. Her and her sister planted it. It is a nice little garden. Raised box beds, with 5′ fencing and underground watering system! I KNOW, Right? Fancy. 

There is mostly kale and potatoes. There are four tomato plants. 2 new baby plants that I started after watching a YouTube saying you can take tomato stems and just plop them into the ground and start a whole new plant. I tried it with four cuttings and half have made it to rooting. I am not totally sure that there will be any fruit in before the first of the cold weather around here but doesn’t hurt to try. 

The cucumber plants that were struggling for the first 6 weeks have finally tripled and are full of beautiful yellow blooms. The five basil plants are bushy and lush green. I noticed that the one lonely dill plant that we put in here 6 weeks ago, bloomed and dried out...has several little babies stretching for the sun! 

The potato plants look like they are 3 hours from full on death. But in my opinion they have always looked like this. But they keep going, I think. I have never raised potatoes before, I will go look this up in a bit. Never can know too much. The strawberry plants are healthy looking. Several runners...well, running! They even reach to the garden path and try for foot holds there. I have only seen 3 strawberries and the fourth one is about 3 days shy of greatness. So I leave it in the bed, under the sun shine, wishing it well. 

I notice in the south-east facing corner of a raised bed, is 5 little white capped mushrooms growing. I didn’t get any pictures this morning of them but I made a mental note to and then research them. Again, learning something new. 

I had been in the garden for probably an hour when I realized that four gladiolus had bloomed out!! I cut them and into the harvest basket they went. They were the first things I cared for in the kitchen. I placed them into a vase and put them into my roommates room. I think that she will be pleased. 

The afternoon was filled with pulling the stems out of LOTS of kale. After a quick text to my Special Guy, (really need to work on a pseudo name) that the basil DID need to be gently removed from all the stems before processing it for the freezed, I crashed. I was so tired from all the work! I managed to get 8 cookie sheets of kale chips done. Very interesting kale chips are. My first time trying them. They are sort of weird. Crispy, delicate and melt in your mouth, leaving behind only the salt and garlic I had put on them to satisfy your tongue. 

Oh no, it's now 3 pm now and i have only had one protein shake and I AM beginning to shake. I stop long enough to make an omelette with onion, ham, spinach, cheddar and store bought fresh dill from the frig that I had just dried. I am planning out every meal, much like I have always, but I am feeling like I am thinking about food SO much lately. Not in a “I am hungry...what is there to eat” kind of way. The chores of gardening, planning out how to use the fresh stuff in as many ways as possible, have variety and keep portions right!  Taking pictures along the way for posts and blogs.

I had spent 3 hours in the kitchen yesterday making salads with leftovers and the little bit of this and thats tucked deep in the corners of the frig trying to survive long enough to be eaten. No wonder we have so much problem with proper eating in this country. The work involved to just keep it flowing through the frig and out of the trash, have evolved recipes in my head, Pinterest, imagination and more texts to Un-named for professional chef help!! 

During the time in the garden, in the kitchen, during the pandemic, you find you have lots of time to think. I have been thinking about thousands of things, but some posts from the Bariatric Fb pages have been bouncing around. One lady wrote that she was in the hospital, in her pre-op room and having second thoughts about her surgery. She has lost 100# before, she can surely do it again! Right? she asked us. She shared her story briefly and then the comments came in. Many, many “been there” kind hearted individuals texted that they understood. They said it was hard but they would so do it again. But one woman stuck out. A “Karen” of course. “Oh, I had mine 14 years ago and I wish I never had! I have only had problems!” Well, “Karen”, I am sorry that you have had a time about it, but really not the time!!! Conversations back and forth from several individuals that were positive and encouraging....but not “Karen”. She just wouldn’t let up. I spoke out to her comments and she came back trying to school me. Many of us started to see that she was not happy about a lot of things and her lack of “success” from weight loss surgery was just a basket she like to keep all her complaints in. 

The ASMBS Foundation's Walk from Obesity is the only national walkathon event that brings together those who are directly affected by the disease of obesity. My participation in this event is key to raising funds and drawing attention to the disease of obesity and the need for more research, education, and awareness efforts.  All funds raised through this virtual event will benefit obesity access to care and research grants, with obesity/COVID-19 grant requests taking precedence.

https://www.facebook.com/donate/3081432798572507

I have earned many college degrees over the years. Mostly due to an insatiable appetite for knowledge but also due to a strong misbelief that I wasn’t enough. Hotel, Restaurant & Resort Management is my first degree. I focused more in the Restaurant & Resort side. 

My past roommate of 4 years, friend of 17 years, has lots of health maintenance issues and allergies. I learned a lot with her and her needs. My current roommate, also a 15+ year friend, has owned her own restaurant with her late husband. They had a couple of building locations and also did a stretch of farmers markets and catering. And she shares her Irish grandma’s shortbread with the world from time to time. Melt in your mouth!! Hot orange pekoe tea and you will see Heaven in the distance!!

My eldest son, follows a bit like me, I like to think, and suffers tirelessly with Curiosity Seeking Fatigue, CSF for short. (It’s not a thing, but maybe should be looked into.) He has been cooking since a wee lad. Had his own catering business for 2 years from the age of 12. Even has met Emeril Lagasse once. Lots of time in his college dining stations and a summer stent making hot dogs at Koegel in Flint. 

There is my current roommate's friend, who has a love for the commercial kitchen also. He brings HelloFresh over just to mix it up around here! Love the variety and the planning he does. 

My other son, pizza cooked on the grill!! That is that man’s thing!! He will plan it all out, create a social experience for all of us to gather, chit chat, make pizza, watch Avengers Movies and eat pizza for 3 hours!!!

And of cours, my “Special” friend is an executive chef! Of course he is! And JUST before bariatric surgery!! Oh, the cruel timing of it all!!! LOL. I really needn’t express the pain in the irony in that do I??? 

What am I going to do after the surgery? Heck what AM I DOING BEFORE the surgery?? Will I NEVER be able to join in a pizza grilling again? Will baking spelt bread or coconut flour brownies for roommate #1 be a thing of the past?? DO I HAVE TO STOP DATING MY PARTNER????

I think not. Not that I have it all figured out, but I am sure it will be very much like it has been and a moderation of taste testing and planning on when left overs can be eating if at all. For me, food and its creativity, love and social aspects are very intertwined. Part of cooking is to taste test product before service. But I have already been practicing practical limits. Like, not eat a servings worth during prep because you are so excited that everyone is coming over. Save it to enjoy with them!! 

I  have explained to everyone, numerous times, yes the food is fun and part of our gathering but so is the social. And the food in small quantities is the goal, not avoidance.  

In the last few days, a few more things have been checked off the list of PRE OP PREP list that Dr. Pesta’s team has given me. 

When one loses weight at the amount many do with this surgery, there are bound to be some changes to one’s emotional and mental state. They have you evaluated by a psychologist. 

This is and was a rather painless 3 appointment task. After the business of patient info, insurance and goals, “tell me a little about yourself” was the first assignment. HAHA, well, for anyone that knows me, this could take a whole session! I have been in psychology therapy for at least 5 years now and have been working very hard untying of “Self Made Knots” in my own rope, so I had my elevator speech fairly refined. 

The next 2 sessions were evaluation questionnaires. Not too difficult. Many things I was hard core solid on but a few things were still...aaa....well...maybe...yes...well sometimes...nope, yes for sure! Ya, overthinking it...a proud trade mark of mine, but you can borrow it! 

These appointments were held about a week apart for an hour. I even saw my regular therapist in that time frame, and I talked about what I talked about in the evaluation sessions!!! Me, Me-Me, Ma-me!!! Of course I had, by this point, started this blog and also joined 3 more bariatric support groups on Facebook and an intermittent fasting ap...all in the name of research and POP-ing! 

It was amazing to read some of the responses to questions laid out there. People were so bold and open. A few still being more critical of themselves then definitely anyone in the group, so I hope that they have a “therapist”. I did spend almost 2 hours one night reading over questions that had 100-300 responses. These questions must have been hitting a cord in the group so I checked them out. I read 5 different questions. The questions varied from self-care of innsomnia, to constipation, to post op pain management, to hair loss and losing friends or family over getting the surgery. 

This last one I found the most interesting. Why? I have hear it before, but I just still had a hard time understanding what the outsiders issues were about the person, who obviously needed to do something and then turn around to shame them FOR doing something. Some people reported that some family members said that they were “Lazy”, “taking the easy way out”, “didn’t need to get surgery”. To the point that they wouldn’t speak or socialize with the person getting the surgery. FRIEND OR FAMILY member. Of course there were the ones that still carried on as they always have, “well it's about time you did something.”

Even after all the Weight Watchers meetings over the years. The starts, stops, starts, stops, restart again, the pushing in the gym with 4 different trainers, joining OA (overeaters anonymous), TOPS, eating nothing, eating everything, exercising hard and over long periods of time and 5+ years of Self Loving therapy...I worried about this very thing. That’s why they put us through therapy evaluations.  

I have not told too many people that I am pursuing this. I know that I will be called out on it when the weight loss shows. I even made a message chat group of SELECT family and friends so that I can communicate to them via text message updates and achievements. They know what I want from this and what I do NOT want to hear said to me. It is there so I could make sure EVERYONE that NEEDED to KNOW does and I didn’t forget or someone’s nose gets bent because someone else knew something before them. 

I don’t know really what my goal is, truly. Am I doing this because I HATE myself. Not really. Is it because I want to be a model? For OUTDOOR magazine MAYBE. To be hit on at the bar or swipe RIGHT on more often? No, cus if you only talk to me because of my looks, and not for me also...NEXT! It’s more so that I don’t have to wear a seatbelt extender on an airplane or my car. So I don’t have to worry about the theater or sporting event chairs have armrests that raise up. So I can sit down in the bank in the armed chairs when seeing my banker. That is more why. Yet I do admit, I have a 25.378% part that wants to be more fit in a pretty dress, to be looked at by at least a few men at the social meet-up and networking event, giving myself and my partner, (I really have to come up with a pseudonym for him) a wee bit of pride when they see that I’m not available, as I walk over to him in a crowded room.  To be able to physically keep up with my partner, my kids and safely use my kayak or my mountain bike. 

Discrimination comes in lots of forms. We all have had some degree of it. Out of all of us that have the surgery, some of us can change things, some of us can’t. Some of us have been living in this body all our lives. We aren’t better when we lose weight JUST BECAUSE we lost the weight...we are better VERSIONS of ourselves because we worked on all of ourselves. Mentally, emotionally, habits, environments, relationships, jobs, family and friends. Yes I guess we are better but we have had to work on it, HARD. Congratulate us for that, not for beauty alone. 

So I found some wonderful recipes that call for parsley. A LOT OF PARSLEY! So I am adding some to my patio garden so that it makes it a bit easier for me to grab when cooking. I will move some over to the main garden when they sprout. 

Our basil is coming in like crazy with all the wonderful hot days that we have had. We have had some rain also, which always helps. 

This is a nice project for me. Its not too big, the maintenance shouldn’t be bad at all. It gives me something to do and tend to with my hands and isn’t something to distract me from better nutrition. If I have to tend to this planter a few times a week, it reminds me what my goals are and to keep going. 

After a stressful few hours with a new “significant” this weekend over a miscommunication, whew, getting back to doing this planter was great for my soul. Hands in the dirt, cool and damp. I am looking forward to harvesting all the herbs this will give us. I have my dehydrator up here so I can use that with the overflow that is sure to come for Christmas gifts this year!! 

Back to the emotional “moment” I had come up for me. Though I was challenged with communicating in the beginning, I did not give up. I let time go by for both of us to cool. When I reached out then I was still facing challenges that by then really rocked my world and fear of loss and change AGAIN was coming. I called a friend and talked and then I sat for a few to just feel. Just let my emotions come to the surface. Like in meditation. I just noticed them and did my best to just let them leave as they came. Though I was crying, I knew I was better at that moment at dealing than many other “moments” in my life over the years. 

Yes I have more ME time now than I ever have had. I don’t know what ....no, I do know. I do know what I had done if this happened years ago and I had kids to protect, to shield from the drama of adults living and learning until things calmed. I would have been crying but when asked by a kid in my home or in the car, I would be wiping my tears, blowing my nose and answering that I have had a bit of a verbal disagreement with a friend and that I am sad. But I am better now. And pushed that crap down and “deal with it later”. But later, LATER turns into get home, round up kids for bed, homework, dishes, sweeping, whatever else that I hadn’t gotten to yet to distract me from it. Then another emotional bubble is swallowed and heads for my hips!! 

I don’t remember ever really sitting down and eating just “because I was upset” but more that I have done a lot today, I am tired. So it was then that I would stop to gobble something then go to bed! Sleep and stress on a full stomach...hello adrenaline make yourself at home cortisol!! 

Roommates are great! It’s great company on lonely days, help on splitting bills, more people around and around the table!! 

In my case, we are all single, at least half of us are, from different walks, religions and styles...but FOODIES WE ARE!!

A roommate's friend came by this weekend and made sauteed mushroom and onion flatbread and an arugula salad from a Hellofresh meal kit. (No affiliations). Earlier that same day for breakfast, they had made a veggie frittata. 

Today after doing some chores and computer work, I decided to eat the leftovers and added the leftover veggies from the fritta and added it to the leftover grilled onion and mushroom flatbread. Added a salad and TOOK A BREAK! 

I like to change it up where I eat around the house so that I feel that it something special especially if I am eating alone. I have worked hard over the years to keep my mealtime about nurturing the body but fulfill the emotional aspects of self nurture. I find this little change helps me 90% of the time with being sad if I am dining alone, not to overeat due to unattended to feelings or craving sabotage. 

Weekend Warriored By My Trek Poles!

Walking across the floor this morning was to prove close to impossible with a side order of lower back pain!

Have you ever used a set of hiking poles or Noradic Walking Poles? If not take a moment & research YouTube.

They can be made out of many different materials. Wood, metal, carbon fiber pretty much anything that is sturdy enough to work going up a hill or even just across the park.

These were a gift from my son a few years ago. I love them. I have been free from fibromyalgia flare-ups recently & decided that I would start walking the driveway. The drivew is half-mile to the main road. So let's go to the half way point, I thought! I did. I stopped a few times going up the incline & to wait for my dogs. But I did the walk in total 7:48. Not once but 2 times during the day.

Now today, I can barely walk! Lol. Oh I can stand and sitting is not painful, but this moving legs & hips isn't working for me.

Walking poles help you stand up right, helps keep you stranding up right using most of you muscles through out the body.

Apparently, my stomach muscles opted out! OMG walking was restricted to a bend forward & small foot shufflel! I laughed every time I tried to move!

It's day 2 and there is little pain or stiffness. Which to my chagrin, all I can do is keep going & laugh at myself.

The week begins after an emotional exhilarating weekend! But heck, live life as if its your last, I say!! 

I have been through a lot in my 52 years of LIFE and many days it felt like it WAS my last. Others, I openly admit, I wished that it was. Others days, I just wanted to fall into a groundhog hole!! You know, a chance to relive certain days over and over because they were so awesome or amazing you never wanted to leave them. Or others when I would have done ANYTHING for the chance to right the wrongs I inadvertently had accomplished!! (Got to stay positive, right?) One Tik Tok, which I was going to share but now can not find it, said, “Are down on yourself because you can’t do chin ups, push ups, sit ups? But did you notice, that you are real good at them f*ck ups? You got that sh*t down without even trying!! Ya, like that kind of positive...but I digress. 

Journaling is a time honored activity. It is very versatile. It can be done for yourself, for others (i.e. Blogs, Fb, etc) for history collecting. Done at anytime and any place. Today, our society have many options on journaling venues. Video, audio, typing on your computer or your phone, tablet, even in scrapbooks. My favorite, though I have and do dabble in all those medias from time to time is the old pen to paper. I have about 18 spiral notebooks, dollar store hardcover blank paged or lined journal books full of my thoughts, fears, activities of the day and maybe some dreams in there too. I keep many of them in a ever growing shelf in my library. 

I do find that many are very day to day. Others are just random thoughts and cover huge gaps of time. I use to try to keep a daily record, but that only proved to be very time consuming when you are chest deep in raising kids, work, fundraising, church, gardening, exercising or whatever life activity that is attended to in ones day. 

Though the “last season” of my life, I wore out. I say gave up, gave in. Though friends assure me that it was a sea of shipwrecks that typhoned me and that I impress them that I have made it this well this far. Haha, love my peeps! But I did stop journaling for awhile. A long while actually. My therapist, god bless her and her patience, encouraged me to continue. To start again. To write a few things. Then gave it to me as a homework assignment. Laugh out loud, NOPE!! Nada! Gots NOTHIN’ important to say or anything to say for that matter. EVERYTHING SUCKS!!! I didn’t like living it let alone writing it down and WHO would want to READ IT??? Besides, it’s ALL MY FAULT, anyway...isn’t it? That’s what others will say, right? 

SSSSSOOOO WWWWHHHAAATTTT!!!!!!

I encourage you to just DO IT!!! WRITE! TYPE! COLOR it out! Draw it out! Speak it out! BUT JOURNAL! 

Write the sh*t down! GET IT OUT!!! Quit eating it. Quit snacking on the pain, the disappointment, the missteps, the mistrusts, the failures. If you need to just write our what DID go well today, yesterday, last week! The 8 1/2″ x 11″ blank sheet look too daunting???  Two words, darling...POST ITs!!!

Get your left overs from college, your kids desk, Office Max, AMAZON some! Take up a collection of left over post-its at work! Make it a game! Write out one word on them. Make a pile on your desk or row on the wall of good things you DID do today. A compliment you gave, HOW about the ONE YOU GOT from a stranger today?? Did you weigh yourself today and NOT judge? Did you not order the biggest meal one the order board? Did you drink all your water, even though you had half a can of pop? WRITE THAT sh*t DOWN!! 

This is me. Late January of 2020, in Flint, heading to a girlfriends home for her birthday celebration! I dressed up. Did some make-up, some hair, falling limp to the damp, mild winter air, but all in all, I am happy. I am happy in general. My work is consistent. My kids are working and doing things they love. My fibromyalgia seems to be controlled.  SSttilll, on Zoosk, the dating app this 6 months and my therapist is booking one month appointments for me now. Things are as good as I can make them be for today. 

Everyday I wonder what is coming down the road, just like every other human! No matter how many days you get to try to “get it right”, it never seems to all fall into place quite right, does it?