conversations overheard through the batkid com lines pt 81 (masterpost here)
Jason: i spy, with my little eye, a little Robin that is slacking off,
Damian: wait what- where are you?
Jason: ten o'clock, two buildings over.
Damian: *a slight pause* oh you stalker, what are you doing out of the alley?
Jason: catching you lacking, apparently.
Tim: the hell is going on over there?
Jason, amused: kid's hidin' behind an AC unit so he can ditch patrol and go on his phone.
Damian, pointedly: that's not what i'm doing, actually, so you can mind your own business,
Tim: you're not even supposed to have your civilian phone on you during patrol, it's a security risk. and where the fuck did B go?
Jason: oh he's in this call, he's just got us on mute.
Damian: he was questioning a couple gang members so i left. he'll notice soon, i'm sure, just like he'll soon notice his phone is missing.
Jason: oh my god you stole Batman's phone- hold on, i'm coming over there, hold on.
Damian: well he didn't listen to his own rules regarding the subject, so i figured he deserved to suffer at least a little bit.
*wind whooshing* *boots against concrete*
Jason: *laughs* holy shit you have his actual phone-!
Tim, admiring: how did you get it unlocked?
Damian: i have a note in my own phone with all of your passwords written down from when i look over your shoulders and memorise them.
Jason, amused: what are you doing with it?
Damian: well i was just going to hide it and make him experience supreme anxiety by thinking his personal possession is lost somewhere in the streets of Gotham, but he's been annoying me lately so i've kind of been doing... this.
Tim: wait what- what's he done?!
Damian: i've been doing this for a while, actually. i just delete the evidence afterwards so he can't find out.
Jason: *weeping* you- you've done this before...?
Jason, struggling to keep composure: he's- he's texting people as Bruce--he's text Clark,
Tim: what?! what's he said?
Damian, slightly amused: do you want me to read it out?
Damian: i, uh- *amused throat clear* i found a photo on the internet of a close-up on some man's inner thigh, showing a mole. it's not indecent in any way, it's just... slightly too intimate.
Damian, over him: -but it matches Father's body type, so i sent it to Superman. and then i said 'do you think i should get this checked or just see what happens? it's new, which i know might be concerning, but Batman's survived way worse than a mole, right?'
Jason, high-pitched, crying: -so weird,
Tim, incredulous: ...WHY????
Damian: i told you; because he can be annoying.
Tim: yes but why THAT specifically?!
Damian: well that's the game, isn't it? it has to be odd, but not such a red flag that Kent instantly thinks Father's phone has been hacked. weird, but in an abstract way. it also needs to be enough of a none-issue that i can delete the interaction off this phone before i slip it back into Father's pocket and Kent won't think it's alarming enough to bring up again.
Tim, in disbelief: dude, why have- why have you thought this out so much- how many times have you done this?!
Damian, sighing in consideration: well, when i first came to Gotham i had a few anger issues, i guess--inherited from biological donor number three, i'm sure,
Damian: -and this was a good way to let off some steam without being grounded for attempting to kill anybody. when i first started i had to be careful, because Kent had a very specific view of Father. but over time i believe i've desensitised him somewhat.
Jason: do you just text Uncle Clark every time?!
Damian: no, i don't always attempt to embarrass Father. sometime i just use him as a medium to make other people suffer.
Tim, horrified: please tell me you've never texted me as Bruce.
Damian: no, i've never needed to, we have the fight pact. when you piss me off i just fight you.
Damian: i got Dick pretty bad, though.
Jason: speak of the devil.
Tim: oh he's been muted for the past like, twenty minutes. you need back up?
Dick: oh, no, i just needed to remember the name of one of my old middle school teachers and thought he'd know because it's really pissing me off that i can't remember it.
Jason: the fuck do you need to know that for?
Dick: brain-worm. anyway, what are we on over here?
Damian: nothing important.
Tim: no fuck off- Damian's stolen Bruce's phone and he's texting people pretending to be him 'to make people suffer'.
Damian: Timothy i will fucking fight you.
Dick: -YOU HAVE HIS PHONE?! that's fucking hysterical, who's the target?
Jason: *pointed* currently, Uncle Clark. but he's not the only- hooly shit Clark's typing. he's typing- he's fucking typing.
Jason: *abrupt cackling* NO FUCKING- *wheeze* NO WAY-,
Damian: oh my god- oh my god wait,
Tim: what the fuck did he say?!
Dick: YOU CAN'T LEAVE US LIKE THIS!
Jason, struggling to breathe: GOD- Uncle Clark is the best on earth,
Tim: THE FUCK DID HE SAY?!
Jason: he- *wheeze* he's said- *cough* 'it doesn't seem abnormal, however if you'd feel more comfortable with a friend rather than a doctor then i could always x-ray the spot next time i see you to check for any growths underneath the skin.'
Dick: what the fuck did you tell him!?!
Damian: all i did was send a photo of Father's new thigh mole.
Jason, crying: oh god- i love him,
Damian: sh, sh, i'm trying to concentrate,
Jason: what are you- WHAT ARE YOU RESPONDING? HE'S RESPONDING AGAIN.
Tim: Dami- *wheeze* Damian,
Damian: *snickering* ok how about that?
Dick: read it out read it out read it out.
Jason: uh- 'i think that would be helpful for the next JL meeting, but if you could-' *long, painful wheeze*
Damian, calmly: 'but if you could do it discreetly, without me having to be pulled aside; i'd rather not cause speculations about why we would need to meet privately. you can just do it during the meeting.'
Tim, struggling to keep his voice level: w-wait, so he's- so at the next Justice League meeting Clark is just gonna be there subtly trying to- *wheeze* trying to stare at Batman's inner thighs,
Jason, through choked weeps: -just on his own special little mission,
Tim: his own- *collapses into laughter*
Dick: Damian that's- that's fucking diabolical.
Tim: dude what does Bruce even do to you to deserve this stuff?!
Damian: yeah i should- i should probably clarify that i do love my father,
Damian: like i- *slight wheeze* i do- it might not seem like i like him,
Jason, crying: i can't- oh my god my side hurts,
Damian: i do love him, i just- sometimes he's a hypocrite, and he needs this.
Tim, matter-of-factly: God sent you to test this man, he knew- God knew that somebody needed to check Batman before he rose to complete power, so he cobbled together all of our essences and poured it into a new vessel to keep him firmly grounded on earth, and that vessel is you,
Jason, still laughing: that's true- when i was up there i had a private conference with the guy just like 'you know he's starting to get out of control, right? i was doing my best but the Joker got me, so what's the plan?' and God was like 'don't worry, Jason. i have plans. you have been chosen to bring my prophecy to fruition. like Mary with Jesus, you will bring fourth a solution.' and the solution was this.
Damian: not even close to the worst thing i've done to anybody with this phone, by the way. what i did to Dick was objectively way worse.
Dick, laughter stopping abruptly: -wait what?
Jason: yeah what did you do to Dick?
Dick: YOU'VE DONE THIS TO ME?!
Damian: ...you're joining from Bludhaven, right?
Damian: ok then that's far enough away for me to tell you.
Tim, amused: holy shit what'd you do?
Damian: he annoyed me. he promised to take me to the museum, and then he cancelled so he could go on a date.
Dick: you- YOU SAID YOU WERE FINE WITH THAT.
Damian: i lied. so i text you from Father's phone and told you that for the medical files in the Batcave it was imperative that you provide a recent and up-to-date record of your sexual history and amount of partners you've had overall. we argued about it for a while, but eventually i wore you down and you agreed to put one together.
Jason: *loud cackles, increasing in pitch*
Dick, genuinely distressed: DAMIAN- I GAVE THAT RECORD TO HIM IN PERSON,
Jason: *abruptly deflates* Y-HES, OH MY GOD YES CHILD,
Dick: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK- THAT WASN'T HIM?!! OH MY GOD HE WAS SO CONFUSED WHEN I HANDED HIM IT--HE LOOKED AT ME SO WEIRDLY,
Jason: *losing his complete shit*
Damian, unapologetic: next time remember bros before hoes, what can i say.
Dick: THAT'S NOT AN EQUAL REACTION. WHAT THE FUCK.
Bruce: interrogation complete; Robin where have you disappeared off to?
Dick: I'M GOING TO END YOU DAMAIN-
Tim: *wheezes* you might have- you might have missed a few things, B.
Bruce: i wasn't even muted for that long- what's going on here?
Dick: I'M KILLING YOUR ONLY BIOLOGICAL SPAWN, THAT'S WHAT.
Tim, morbidly curious: i've actually never seen Dick this mad at Damian before, this is kinda impressive.
Jason: *struggling to breathe* no- no kid come here- *wheeze* i'm gonna- i'm gonna- come here, let daddy protect you, i'm so proud of you kiddo,
Damian: yeah i'm sticking with you for the next few days. keep Grayson away from me.
Jason: i love you more than anything, habibi, i got your back,
Dick: FUCKING- JASON? HE NEEDS TO HAVE CONSEQUENCES.
Jason: not for this, this is amazing. i'm taking him, we're out. sucks to be you, Goldie.
Dick: *scream of frustration*
Bruce: ...what did Robin do?
Tim: i am... not answering that.
*three seconds of silence*
Bruce: did Hood actually just refer to himself as Robin's 'daddy'?
Tim: um. yeah that's- that's new slang. it's from the- it's a league of assassins youth thing. don't question it.
Bruce: ...i am not touching that.
Bruce: shit, where's my phone?
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