when people say my name im like.   cant believe i exist

*accidentaly vents to friend* great now i can never speak to them again

people w words like cool friendly nice friend buddy guy etc in their URL I automatically trust u

whats your credit card number

Ok I’ll bite. Who’s oscar

Had a dream that McDonald’s had a big ad campaign that just said “WE HAVE IT” in black cryptic writing. So I went to a drive thru and said “I saw the sign. Can I have it” and the speaker was silent for a solid ten seconds before saying “do you think you’re ready” in my voice and I screamed and drove away

its a shame that in 6 or so billion years, any and all existence on earth will be wiped out by the sun’s expansion, and it’s almost scary to think about how even now the sun continues to grow bigger and hotter, sexy and hotter let’s shut it down. pound the alarm

who wants to see the awful thing i just made

me drinking green tea: this is gonna fix Everything