The life of....someone else.
Do you know what itâs like to spend 7 years with a selfish person? It sucks.
I met J in high school, he was chubby with a curly Afro and a baby face. Years later we reconnected and started to get to know each other. He said he wasnât ready for a relationship so I stuck it out with him for a whole year, cut to 4 years later when he finally said âI love youâ then 3 years after that when he finally asked me to marry him. (Probably the only non-selfish thing he did). He wasnât ever going to marry me, I was never the girl he loved enough for that. In my heart I knew that.
It took me a long time to realize I was living someone elseâs life. His dreams, his hopes, his friends, his family, his hobbies, his future, his life.
His dreams were to make money, move away from the kingston area. I moved away with him twice. I encouraged him to get good jobs, stay at those jobs when he wanted to give up, I gave him back rubs and foot massages to help ease his stress. His money was âourâ money but I was always respectful. I never spent a cent with out asking. I dealt with all his mood swings and grumpy attitude because I understood he was sore or tired. I always followed and encouraged his dreams because one day I thought we would get to mine. We never did. At one time I knew my place inside Js life but then one day, I realized there wasnât a place for me anymore and I needed to go fulfill my dreams because he never cared what my dreams were. My dreams and hopes were to fall in love, travel to Ireland, start a family, write a book. It was 7 years later and my dreams were not ever even talked about.
We would always spend time together with his friends. He would say âI donât really care to drinkâ but we would get just fuckin loaded with his friends, we had fun with his friends. Never mine. I went out with my friends alone. I was very close to his family. He barely knew my family at all.
J enjoyed hockey and shooting guns. So, I bought myself a pair of skates. We would go skating and I would go watch his pick up hockey games. I would shoot guns with him. I did enjoy shooting guns, it became one of my favourite hobbies too. My hobby is reading. He would never listen to what happened in my book, or pick up a book and read it when I bought it for him. If he planned a fun outing for us he would have a blast. But if I planned a fun filled day for us, he would be a downer the whole time.
I realized I was living his future, his life. I was with a selfish person who I loved when he had nothing and stood by him while he got everything, and when I needed him most he couldnât be there for me. He could not put aside his needs, wants, feelings, tiredness for even a second to take care of his girl.
Iâll admit I have a temper and I can be hard to love at times but so could he. I act out in anger but on the inside Iâm breaking, hurt, and crying. J is a very prideful person. He is too good to think he did anything wrong. He is too strong to admit he messed up and he is too perfect to see what he lost. In the end, I was the mean hurtful selfish person. Yet, I appreciated all the good he did do for me. I remember them, i will never forget them. He could always make me laugh even when I was angry. Those are memories I will hold close to my heart.
But then there are memories I hold close tooâŚ
2 weeks after we broke up that selfish asshole went to Ireland (Yep, my dream), A month after he sent me a bag of clothes that I had âforgot" at his place. Inside of this bag of clothes were someone elseâs pants, sweater and thong. (Donât worry, they went to good use, I had a bon fire that night). 2 months later he contacts me and makes me believe he missed me and wanted to work on things, the askes me too âgive him a week to decide what he wantsâ. Meanwhile heâs off fucking some other girl. About a month after that J calls me up just to start an argument. Now, of you knew what type of relationship J and our handsome husky had you would understand a lot better. This husky was Js best friends, his âboyâ, his fur son. Every time J would look at that dog you could see the love in his eyes. You could see the joy he got from just being around our happy little pup. So J calls me up and tells me âHusky is just a dogâ he will never understand how hurtful that was. Almost a year later and he wants to talk as friends. So, what does this stupid girl do? Yep! You guessed it! She triesâŚ. because sheâs in love. Now let me remind you - back when he asked me to patiently and faithfully wait for him he had slept with 2 girls, I had slept with NO ONE! So, here we are talking as friends and J asks if I had slept with anymore. J has been caught in many lies since we broke up, so I decide to be honest. He calls me a âslutâ tells me Iâm âunfaithfulâ and âfor someone who said she loved him so much to go sleep with other people while single is fucked upââŚ.. hypocrite!!!! Was this all to hurt me? You may ask. Yes, yes it was. But in the spiteful one right? *eye ball roll*
Now, I am a very forgiving person. So, I forgive him for all of that now. It could be because Iâm over it or it could be because I love him. The way I see it is - one day he will look back and think âI got here from the help of her, I had a good girl standing behind me, making me feel strong and confident, like we could take on the worldâ. I left with nothing. But one day when all my dreams have come true I will look back and say âI did it on my ownâ.
