Star Trek Rewatch

I can’t believe it’s already been nine months since we last updated!

I’m afraid to report that due to some personal issues, STRW won’t be continuing until I can find a new person to put up with my incessant live-texting. I’d been waiting for WG to be available again, and now it’s clear that he won’t be for the foreseeable future.

MB: Maybe laughing at people when they come into the sickbay isn't the most professional response to your patients, Bashir

MB: Like, a pinched nerve isn't that great even if it isn't whatever horrible mite thing Odo thought it was

WG: bird mites.

MB: Space bird mites. They came in with a delivery of prune juice, which for some reason people on Star Trek shows are always enthused about.

MB: Did Quark just hand Odo a... post-topper?

MB: "A security field won't be necessary." "But if it gets out of that container—" "I SAID IT'S FINE." I smell oncoming shenanigans.

MB: That, or they had to say it because otherwise people would shout at their TVs.

MB: The Founders sent out a hundred baby Changelings? That's... a shockingly tiny number, given the vastness of the galaxy.

MB: Like, do they actually understand how big space is, or

WG: they want to meet new civilizations (to conquer), but not, like, a whole lot of them.

MB: "What better way to gauge another race than to see how it treats the weak and vulnerable?" So—and I'm just putting this out there—maybe send a basket of puppies instead of your children?

MB: The more we hear about this scheme the less sense it makes.

MB: And it didn't make any sense to start with.

WG: we should adopt this plan. the puppy plan.

MB: I couldn't be that mean to the puppies.

MB: "I can't think of anyone better qualified to teach this baby to shapeshift. Other than, um, someone who can still shapeshift."

MB: Who the hell stuck a ruler into the baby. That's just gross.

MB: "There is still a small degree of instability in its morphogenic matrix." Gosh I wonder if that will be relevant later when they need to not permanently add a baby Changeling to the cast.

MB: It's gonna be so awkward when somebody comes into sickbay and drinks the "iced tea" Bashir left sitting out.

WG: who stored this baby changeling in a growler?

WG: i want names. hipster names.

MB: Byron. Dexter. Iris. Olive. Ramona. Sullivan.

WG: hahahaha. sullivan.

MB: "I'm not going to make the same mistakes with you that were made with me." Odo tenderly picks up the baby Changeling's glass, fumbles it, spills baby Changeling all over the floor.

WG: at least this ep wraps up two lame story lines

WG: so they can move onto the newer, grittier, storylines

MB: If I ever have a baby you get to do the shaker thing. But away from me. Like, in another room. I don't want to have to actually hear it.

WG: the shaker thing? the rattle?

WG: i'm not shaking your baby, you go TO JAIL for that.

MB: Yes, the space maraca. Not the baby.

MB: ... Probably not the baby.

MB: Welcome back, boyfriend we haven't seen in ages.

MB: Good job existing.

MB: Odo why would you put the baby in a mug. Odo that is a terrible idea.

WG: it's spillproof?

WG: it said "#1 dad" on it and he couldn't resist?

MB: "Constable. Why are you talking to your beverage." See? You just confused poor Worf.

MB: Oh man a #1 Dad mug would be a vast improvement.

MB: This is just clear, so we know it's the baby Changeling.

MB: Well, I guess we know it's something the color of the baby Changeling.

MB: Could be tea, could be honey. Maybe apple juice.

WG: so what would happen if someone did drink a changeling?

MB: Depends on what the Changeling wants to happen, I assume.

MB: Anywhere from "you just poop them back out again in a bit" to "they bust out of you Alien style."

MB: Why hasn't Odo replicated a tiny bucket

WG: that would be adorable

WG: with like a little knit cozy around it

WG: there's a lot of adorable directions they could go with this

WG: i forget how much this does or does not basically rehash the data/lal episode.

MB: The Lal episode was vastly superior. Since it included Lal, and not Data talking to a toaster for 45 minutes.

WG: yeah that ep. hits you right in the feels.

MB: Still an all-time favorite of mine.

MB: Who the fuck called this doctor asshole

MB: Ooh great now Doctor Asshole is holding his knowledge hostage, instead of just saying "here's my data, glhf"

MB: "Oh, so that's what this is about. You still resent my years of abuse." Gosh yeah what a grudge-holder.

MB: I see they got Kira one of those spinny lawn ornaments. Nice to see one getting sold instead of sadly revolving in front of the home of the person who makes them.

MB: Yeah, Bajoran midwife. You tell off those men who fucked it up.

WG: was there a complication and bashir's solution was to mind wipe her or turn her into a robot?

MB: There's still about half an hour left, so here's hoping!

MB: "Well, being nice to the baby didn't work in the first hour, so I guess let's try torture."

WG: so much for measuring a civilization by how it treats the weak and defenseless

MB: I'm honestly not sure how that meshes with anything we've seen before.

MB: I feel like it's a very ex post facto explanation after the writers realized that sending out babies was a terrible idea but it was too late to turn back.

MB: "Starfleet wouldn't hire you to judge a science fair" is gonna be my new go-to insult.

MB: Wh... Why does Starfleet have any say in what happens with Odo's baby? Odo's baby that a Ferengi found and Odo bought from the Ferengi?

WG: if anything, bajor would have a say

MB: Right? That's who he works for.

WG: since you can't buy people, and this all happened in bajoran territory.

MB: "I'm just an observer here. You have to do the torture yourself."

MB: I swear to god if the moral of this episode is that Odo learns to be okay with his childhood abuse I am gonna throw something out a window

WG: it might be

WG: i don't usually watch this episode

MB: Gosh I sure am glad that this episode that could have been about Kira giving birth ended up about Odo talking to goo and O'Brien and Kira's boyfriend making her a thing to fight over.

WG: at least they don't trap her in a turbolift and have her give birth there

WG: or in ten forward. with worf.

MB: Or make Worf deliver the baby

MB: Jinx!

MB: "You can catch up on your security reports later!" CUT TO: Like five people being kidnapped off the station.

WG: so a regular day, then.

MB: Zing!

MB: "Does it look like she's joking?!" That's my girl, Keiko.

MB: Gosh, look, that thing that I mentioned earlier is coming back to keep this baby to a one-episode fluke.

MB: "Keiko, would you do me a favor? Instagram my crotch as the baby comes out."

MB: Amazing how the baby popped out with a belly button. Must be a space thing.

MB: EAT THE GOO, ODO. EAT THE GOO.

MB: THEN IT WILL BE PART OF YOU FOREVER.

WG: hahahahaha

WG: that's kind of what happens

MB: Oh, sure, make the goo feel guilty that you're not going to be able to live vicariously through it

MB: Oh my god no way

WG: so he IS a parent.

MB: He is LITERALLY GOING TO LIVE THE EXPERIENCES HE WANTED THROUGH HIS BABY

MB: This is BULLSHIT

MB: I mean, at least it wasn't deliberate, but still

MB: Creepy shades of "having a baby so you can harvest its organs"

WG: yeah, this plotline was more unsettling than i think they intended it to be

MB: "Right now I feel like staying here." "So you can be close to the baby." "Yessss. That's it. Not because I am sick of you."

MB: "I think I finally understand how much I meant to you and what you must have gone through when I left." Uuuuuuuuugh.

MB: "I should have included you in my life." UUUUUUUUUUUUGH.

MB: Protip, kids: YOU DO NOT OWE YOUR ABUSERS ANYTHING. Even if they think they loved you. Even if they think they taught you a lot.

MB: Even if YOU love them and YOU think they taught you a lot.

MB: NOTHING. OWED.

MB: "I think I know how you feel, Nerys. Except I do get to hold my baby. Inside me. Forever."

WG: i'm kind of wondering what you're going to throw through the window

WG: like, i may or may not have looked outside my window to see if you did throw something

MB: I'm not throwing anything out the window because I'm too angry to open the screen.

MB: A bunch of vedeks we've never seen before. I bet nothing is going to go horribly wrong here, like an explosion.

MB: Or horribly right, like a visitation.

MB: Or horribly ambiguous, like a smiting from a glowing thing.

MB: Seriously? Herbs? Herbs that taste like ass? This is how we get progesterone levels up in the 24th century?

WG: hey now. lemon balm treats a whole bunch of stuff super well.

MB: But it's, you know, lemony.

WG: i think we'll have more herbal medicine in the future, not less.

WG: and maybe it's whatever biological super herbs that have like... stuff in them.

MB: I think we'll be able to engineer from one side or the other so that stuff has all the chemicals it needs to work synergistically with each other... without tasting like ass.

MB: Oh good—my first, explosion-based guess was right.

WG: i have seen this ep max twice in my entire life

WG: (1) because i remember it being scary

WG: (2) because we get to some super great eps soon and so this one always gets overlooked

MB: "Before he became a vedek, your friend was involved in some very questionable activities." FLASHBACK: Kira's friend volunteering to be the banker in Space Monopoly and then cheating

MB: Super-powerful computer, knows exactly when to open or close doors to time them with conversation, but can't hold off on your voicemail while you're praying?

WG: she only had one more hail mary to go. now she has to start all over again.

MB: Hahaha

MB: The message is actually "That swan." A swan did it. That swan. That one right over there.

MB: If you want to kill everybody in a former resistance cell, why would you warn them. That is... That is the worst idea. I really hope there's an ulterior motive here.

MB: "I heard you pacing all night." We don't have soundproofing in the future?

MB: "Right now you're needed here, protecting someone else. You know being pregnant means all of your needs and desires are subordinate to those of the fetus."

MB: Maybe Kira should describe Worf and Dax to this woman in case someone is listening in? It's a lot harder to drum up a Klingon and a Trill on short notice than it is two random people, especially when the Klingon is famous for being the first of his species in Starfleet.

MB: "I didn't lose that much. And we live in a society without currency, anyway."

MB: "I'm a graduate of Starfleet Academy. I know many things." Right? Maybe we could stop being shocked that Worf has a formal education.

MB: Dax sighs, resets the "Days since a fatal transporter malfunction" counter to zero, contemplates adding a modifier to track a corpse that is horrifically charred versus merely irrecoverable.

MB: So we're never gonna see this device that can sabotage transporters ever again, right

WG: oh you mean "the easiest way to kill anyone in star trek ever"

WG: seriously, put it in someone's backpack and then bam, horrible burn death?

WG: if it's a hunter probe that's involved, it's probably house harkonnen

MB: If only the Shadout Mapes had been there.

MB: This all could have been avoided.

MB: Twist: It's the fetus Kira is carrying that's killing everyone.

MB: "Can you trace it?" "The call is coming from... inside your uterus!"

MB: Why do you need to send a search party after this guy. Why are all of these potential victims not being guarded by multiple people making frequent check-ins.

WG: it's aliens 3 all over again

WG: don't lock the alien in the safe room. lock yourselves in it.

MB: Right?!

MB: Gosh, the guard went everywhere before Kira and checked it out... besides her bedroom. I wonder if something is going to happen in there.

MB: I hope that ugly-ass sculpture gets smashed.

WG: it will meet a grisly end, yes.

MB: Wh... What are they doing in Kira's room if they don't know it's her room

WG: coincidence?

MB: Why do you wanna touch the baby, it's not Kira's baby

MB: This ginger Bajoran should probably be in a color other than red.

MB: "What's in the box? WHAT'S IN THE BAAAAAAAAX"

WG: nothing, but you have to put your hand in it, because we just watched dune and want to try something.

MB: Seriously what is this gushing over the baby? That is the baby of strangers, not Kira's baby. She's just carrying it awhile.

MB: I hope all of this turns out to be one big hoax to make Kira feel useful and everyone is still alive.

WG: all one elaborate ruse, constructed by a very dear friend

WG: odo pops out at the end, all smiles, and everyone looks at him disapprovingly

MB: With little jazz hands.

MB: Hahaha.

WG: garak sips some tea, makes a disingenuous remark.

MB: "It doesn't sound natural." The murderer is the computer. We have a two-fer on transporter hijinx and computer hijinx.

WG: bashir licks one of the herbs and throws up

MB: Hahahahahaha

MB: They might want to consider getting some more effectual security guards, seeing as one of them got taken out by random people transporting into the station, and a tiny and heavily pregnant person took down two more on her own.

WG: so apparently this is based on "and then there were none"

MB: You are no Agatha Cristie, episode writer.

MB: Wait hang on Bajoran earrings are CLIP-ONS

MB: What is this bullshit

WG: first the klingon earrings and now this.

WG: maybe everything is a clip-on

MB: I guess it was the '90s.

WG: like, clip-on technology has progressed super far

MB: Hahahaha

WG: and they don't hurt your ears anymore

WG: oh, your explanation makes more sense

MB: So we just... left her alone in sickbay, in the dark? That seems smart and healthy.

MB: Is Kira faking everyone's death to get them underground

MB: No, that would be too cool

MB: Kira should have taken the Defiant, and Worf would just wander out onto the bridge like "dude I live here, stop stealing my house for the purposes of vengeannnnccccccce okay I guess I'll allow it."

WG: kira nerys. vengeance was hers.

WG: vengeance was hers: the kira nerys story

MB: I swear to god if all of this was orchestrated by some rando living in BFE, I am going to be very put out.

WG: um

WG: well

MB: Because if they can do it, anybody can get a hold of these ways of murdering people.

WG: get ready to be put out.

MB: Sigh.

WG: who wouldn't compulsively check all of their bags and clothing before transporting, knowing this undetectable device is out there

WG: that doesn't get disarmed or anything when the transporter activates

MB: Teleport naked. It's safer.

WG: also, why did the door to the apartment open for the hunter killer

MB: Soooo... And Then There Were None meets Silence of the Lambs

WG: yeah, i don't get how this is like and then there were none

WG: (1) they aren't on a free vacation

WG: (2), i don't have a (2)

MB: (2) It's terrible

MB: Seriously, all of this is over some facial burns?

WG: yeah, like how is that not fixable

WG: they can turn troi back and forth from a romulan to not a romulan

WG: but that's the limit, i guess.

MB: "I wasn't, like, a NAZI-Nazi. I only helped their work at the labor camps go more smoothly and comfortably."

MB: Maybe the Troimulan technology is reserved for really, really dramatic scenarios.

MB: Posing as an arch-enemy race: DRAMATIC!!!

MB: Fixing a burned face: eh, not dramatic.

MB: "All that remains is to bring the child into the light and discard the diseased carcass of the mother before it can infect its offspring." Ah, I see Silaran is Catholic.

WG: ok so i guess the whole only killing the guilty thing is like the novel

WG: but then overlayed with this B5 darkness and light stuff.

MB: "guilty"

WG: "guilty," right.

MB: I guess this is why Kira made a point of mentioning like 30 minutes ago that sedatives aren't working in combination with that herb

MB: Yup!

MB: And why her friends brought the herb, so it could be them that saved her.

MB: Hey so if I'm ever kidnapped by a murderer, let's please ensure it's one who leaves a ranged weapon within my line of sight and like 5 feet away.

WG: did the killer also not get the memo that this is not kira's baby?

WG: and like, he should just send it back to its biological parents, who were going to raise it anyway?

MB: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

WG: Maybe he heard one of O'Brien's racist anti-Cardassian rants

WG: but keiko replicated that dinner that one time. that's got to be worth something.

WG: the killer was actually set up by kai winn

WG: who didn't appreciate kira getting uppity with her in the last episode

MB: "He wanted to separate the darkness from the light. But he didn't realize... this baby is evil. Like, suuuuuper evil."

MB: Winn would have been such a better villain here.

MB: Motive! Opportunity! Resources!

WG: that's the message floating in the bottle.

WG: some sort of, i don't know, invoice sent to winn

WG: for like, murder services rendered

MB: Headcanon accepted.

WG: so where did we last leave our intrepid space station heroes?

WG: and what fresh, in no way derivative adventure do we have in store today?

MB: Odo and Quark were desperately denying their perfectness as a couple after being stranded on an actually pretty nice looking planet

WG: ooooh this next one is one of my favorites

MB: Today is "Rapture," which I hope to god is the station coping with some percentage of its population being bodily assumed into Heaven

WG: oh wait.

WG: oh wait no.

WG: i was thinking of a different one.

WG: but this one's good, too.

WG: and it sets up the good one.

WG: but kai winn is in this one, so that's generally enough for me.

MB: "That's it?" "That's it. Sorry it's not fancier, we had the person who does our matte paintings make it, and they're not used to their work having to be shown up close."

MB: A scrap of a painting is not proof that a city existed, Kira. Don't make me find you paintings of Atlantis.

MB: "You both gave it such a build up I thought it would be a lot bigger." And that, kids, is why you should never let yourself get talked into a threesome.

WG: you and i both know that atlantis was in antarctica, and flew away as a giant city ship to the pegasus galaxy

WG: stargate atlantis fans out there? convince MB to watch stargate, please.

MB: Someday, WG, someday.

MB: Wait, how does a ship fly to a separate galaxy? Hopefully by some sort of portal system or hugely FTL travel, because those fuckers are really far away.

WG: FTL travel

WG: "hyperdrive"

WG: giant city in sppaaaaaaaace!

WG: but back to the episode at hand

WG: and the series at hand.

WG: and the fandom at hand.

WG: although on all three, some overlap.

MB: Seriously tho Pegasus is 3 million light years away, that had better be some drive system

WG: it sips a red bull before it flies, it's cool.

MB: The speed is due to wanting to get away from any more Red Bull ever again

WG: yeah, it ends up with some kidney problems and heart palpitations

WG: but it makes it there.

MB: "We've been trying to force the Cardassian government to return this to us." CUT TO: A Cardassian official distracting Gul Dukat while another one sneaks the painting off his wall.

MB: Hey now, Sisko, archaeology is Picard's gig.

MB: I hope he sounds ENHANCE at the screen

MB: No. No. You do not get a reflection in a waterfall. There is too much turbulence.

MB: "Sisko image file 376" Okay not only is your filenaming system boring but you have a ridiculously tiny number of images.

WG: he just got a new phone

MB: Huh, I guess he took the AutoCAD course at Starfleet Academy.

MB: "Reverse image and enhance." There we go. ENHANCE!

MB: "Sorry to disturb you, Captain, but—" "But what?" "But someone needs to borrow a runabout and you're the only one with a sign-out sheet."

WG: "and before you ask, yes, it's worf."

WG: "and no, i don't know if it involves murder, but probably."

MB: Someone else took the Defiant out but didn't want him along, so he needs a bunk.

MB: "Quark to infirmary! Someone reset the 'days since someone was injured or killed by a malfunctioning panel in a way that could have been avoided by a simple circuit breaker' counter"

MB: "Why am I being arrested?" "Because I am so racist. SO RACIST."

WG: well, at least the hologram of that obelisk didn't come alive and trap everyone in its fantasy scenario.

MB: Fortunately, the obelisk just likes being looked at, so it's a very restful 45 minutes.

MB: I mean, if it did happen.

WG: we should build more obelisks

WG: like, were i a billionaire, i'd probably make one

WG: unless billionaires are building secret obelisks for posterity or whatever and i'm just not cool enough to know about it

MB: In graveyards, mostly, I think.

WG: and yes i just typed in "obelisks of america" into google

MB: I'm more of a fan of menhirs, personally

MB: Megaliths in general

WG: i will try and remember that for the future

WG: should you need a fitting tribute, i'll find a large-ish boulder and rent some sort of machinery to move it somewhere

MB: Excellent.

MB: "All external stimuli are going to seem more pronounced." CUT TO: Sisko replicating a lot of hand lotion. Like, a LOT.

WG: sisko, if you've never had a pavlova, now is the time.

WG: that meringue will have an amazing mouthfeel.

MB: Just saying pavlova would be fun.

MB: If this were Babylon 5, Sisko would get addicted to the plasma burst's aftereffects and have an arc where he kept getting into more and more dangerous situations trying to get it to happen again.

WG: ugh, and cure himself by quitting his job and wandering the station

MB: AW YISS KASIDY COMING BACK

WG: is this the first one where she's back from prison?

MB: I love that the prison sentence for "smuggling goods to aid freedom fighters" and "attempting genocide" is exactly the same

MB: Jake has just said she's coming back and that Sisko should cook her dinner

WG: all of senses are heightened, jake, and his badass smuggler girlfriend is out of jail

WG: let's just...zoom out on a closed door.

MB: Right?! I was actually going to say that it was a shame Yates was out of the picture.

MB: I would have looked so prescient.

WG: how is garak out of jail before her?

WG: if they both got six months?

MB: Maybe she got six munths, which are like months but slightly longer.

WG: six months, bajoran months?

MB: Maybe she took a long time to get sentenced and got no credit for time served.

MB: "Floating bicycle wheel"? Really, random admiral?

WG: "that roy rogers garage sale wagon wheel coffee table"

WG: "i was being nice!"

WG: heh. references.

MB: omg speaking of which I watched that episode of Tabletop and yikes that woman who was not Beth

WG: right?

MB: I like most other women on the internet, but she is exactly the type I don't like.

MB: Also what's that word for vicarious embarrassment because wow.

MB: I am however very sure that Beth Riesgraf should be my friend and/or date me, I'd be cool with either

WG: i think we should play that game, though. it looked fun

MB: Oh yeah, Dixit is great.

MB: "'Welcome, Klingons'?" "Not that one!" :Worf hangs his head:

MB: How busy IS an Albanian beehive, Quark?

WG: somewhere between ursula and someone who uses the term "putting out fires"

WG: that's how busy it is.

MB: That is quite busy.

MB: "You cannot loosen a man's tongue with root beer." Speak for yourself, Worf. Get a couple of Sprecher ones in me and I will tell you pretty much anything.

MB: Why are there commemorative glasses. People don't, like, collect shit. They live on a space station, in closets.

MB: Maybe they designed a replicator program for it and you can just have your root beer in a UFP glass anytime you request it.

MB: "I think the captain went back to the holosuite." FLASHBACK TO: Quark's offer of a sex program.

WG: i kind of want root beer now.

MB: I always want root beer. Always.

MB: Well if it's a SECRET vision Sisko has already fucked it up by talking about it.

MB: Your best buddy is on her way to the station.

WG: woo! winn!

WG: hillary clinton, if you need halloween costume ideas, i'm not saying it'll help you in the primaries, but maybe. think about it.

MB: FTKW (for the Kai Winn)

WG: hahahahahaha

WG: i'm stealing that.

MB: I made it just for you.

MB: So far I'm not seeing any evidence that the obelisk HASN'T gained sentience and taken over the holosuite out of a desire to be looked at.

MB: Doesn't anybody ever lock their holo(deck/suite) doors

MB: Kasidy has been in prison for six months and you ask if she has hours free and it's... TO GO RUIN-HUNTING?

MB: WHILE you have SUPER-HEIGHTENED SENSES?

MB: "You're looking at 20,000 years of sediment here. With... a random tunnel going down through it for some reason."

WG: just wait until he phasers stuff without like, checking if there are artifacts in that buried sediment

WG: or whatever

MB: "Just gonna phaser this priceless—

MB: Exactly

WG: i'm not 100% sure how archaeology works, but i'm pretty sure it involves like brushes and grids and writing things down

MB: Yeah, not vaporizing or melting into slag.

MB: Also how is this shit in a fucking cavern?

MB: Do... Do they not understand how sedimentation works?

WG: you're on your own when it comes to geology

WG: i've got the brushes thing to bring to this, and that's it.

MB: "I didn't mean to interrupt your 'Reveille.'" "That's okay, I'll just start over." DOOOO-DOO-DO-DO-DO, DOO-DOO-DO-DO-DO...

MB: Jeeze people stop being such assholes about Kira's religion. It's, like, demonstrably based in fact.

MB: Also you would not be snarky about the pope IN FRONT OF the pope, Odo.

WG: well, maybe benedict

MB: Okay, fair, Winn is basically the Benedict of Space Popes.

MB: Ooh although she's getting some nice depth there with her little "don't be a jerk just because I taught instead of fought" speech to Kira.

MB: Is this random admiral going to turn out to be evil?

WG: no

MB: Or is his awkwardness just a result of being a bad actor/poorly cast.

WG: it's such a random write-in role

WG: or whatever it's called

WG: "fill in"

WG: nechayev was busy, and they needed someone to represent his career in the chorus of voices?

MB: Nechayev would have been infinitely superior.

MB: Nechayev should be in every episode.

MB: "Not returning my comm signals could get an officer in a lot of trouble." But... Sisko is on medical leave? Like, he has an actual legit reason to not be doing his job, versus all the random shitty personal leave reasons that no one ever cares about or gives anyone trouble over?

WG: eventually we get admiral ross, and he's sort of evil

MB: I feel like the balance of admirals are pretty awful.

MB: Possibly making some sort of point about desk jockeys.

MB: "All right, I'll give you some time." Personal leave wins again!

WG: "just fill out these forms in triplicate and send them to trish"

WG: "...but worf nev..." "i don't care what worf does. no one does."

MB: Bajoran guy in the couple Sisko just reassured has an epic cable-knit vest going on.

WG: oh, and this is the half hallucination where he finally learns to sit on the ground and do nothing.

WG: i missed that before.

MB: "How did he know my son and I weren't getting along?" Yeah 'cause that's such a stretch for parents and children.

WG: "the emissary" becomes the new hit on Bajoran FOX

MB: "The cloud." "What cloud?" "The cloud with the power." "What power?"

WG: duncan macleod steps out

WG: "did somebody say something about a macleod with power?"

MB: "No. No, just *a* cloud."

WG: :heeeeere we are. born to be kings. we're the princes of the something something something:

MB: Queen should have done music for more movies.

WG: princes of the universe. those are the lyrics.

MB: "The baby I'm holding now is the universe." Oooookay, Sisko, time for a break maybe.

MB: "You trust Kai Winn? Since when?" Seriously guys she is RIGHT THERE.

WG: hahahaha

WG: she's already plotting her horrible revenge

WG: somebody is getting a basket of poison muffins

MB: No... A basket of muffins. Delicious muffins... Garnished with poisoned flowers.

MB: An airborne toxin.

WG: smart.

MB: I like Worf getting Kira's back here as a fellow Person with a Demonstrable Religion, Shut Up Humans.

MB: Um, wait, why would it be Starfleet officers conducting the induction of Bajor into the Federation? It should be UFP officials, not their military/research/exploratory arm.

WG: thank you.

WG: the entire "federation council" arm just basically goes away after like, season two of TNG

MB: Well, we did get to see the president during the whole Changeling invasion thing.

WG: so where's he?

WG: at least have him join via teleconference

MB: idk maybe he had a space golf tee time

MB: Reception on the course is horrible. At least that's what he tells everyone.

MB: Winn did just basically say that she previously considered Sisko an enemy. That's nice.

WG: she's evil, not a liar.

MB: Hahahahaha

MB: Well, sometimes a liar. But only in manipulative ways when it directly benefits her.

MB: "I could have your commission for this." Because... a world that wasn't ready to join the Federation didn't join the Federation, thereby averting potential disaster?

WG: i like what they do with winn, where she has to face the fact that he really is the emissary

MB: "In that case, I'll keep the champagne on ice." They keep giving this poor admiral lines he has no idea how to deliver.

MB: I like that Sisko managed to make this whole thing about him when it should have been about welcoming Yates back.

MB: Like, there was literally no reason for her to have been in this episode?

MB: You could delete her entirely and it would be exactly the same.

MB: We should have gotten a 100% Yates-centric episode.

WG: we... never get one

WG: the smuggling one was the closest, i think

WG: there could be some in season 7, i'm spotty on that entire season

MB: Nice, I went back to grab a screencap so it autoresumed at the hot net shirt dude

MB: "I don't have a son." "Which one of us has been to the future? UH HUH. THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT."

MB: Why are all bags in the future hard-sided?

MB: Was there, like, the Diet of Risa in 2274 that outlawed anything with give?

WG: the most successful marketing campaign by samsonite, 2205

WG: just because we don't have money doesn't mean we don't have marketing

WG: and sometimes money i guess?

MB: Yes, sometimes money, often marketing.

MB: Those crocheted tops aren't going to sell themselves.

MB: God, are they not.

MB: "You and Nog moving in together." Aww, I always hoped that crazy couple would make it.

MB: Wait hang on why is a cadet living on DS9. Did Nog graduate and we just kind of skipped over it?

WG: yeah. i'm writing it off as his like, senior year internship

WG: even though he's been a cadet for like 6 months

MB: Maybe it's a special reward for not committing treason.

MB: Like, you know, most of the other elite cadets.

MB: Oh thank god, I was worried we were going to go five minutes without Odo harassing Quark.

MB: Apparently among the rights we've done away with is the right to know what you're being accused of.

MB: Does this count as a kidnapping, even though Odo's the one doing it? I feel like it kind of does.

WG: it's an interesting twist on that one that shows odo is just an errand boy

WG: but, spoilers.

WG: and at least they found a reason for two people to take a trip that isn't a conference

MB: That is nice.

MB: Quark is actually good for those. Camping, being renditioned...

WG: i would say "spoiler alert, something happens to them on the way" but that pretty much goes without saying

WG: no one in the trek universe ever makes it to their destination

MB: Maybe if the destination is on fire they get there. To live. To live in the fire.

WG: i suppose that TNG ep with the time aliens and freezing smiley faces was a successful conference

WG: with hijinks happening only on the way back

MB: Yeah, sometimes it's on the way back.

MB: I enjoy that they have to keep reminding us through dialogue that Odo is a solid now, because they can't be bothered to actually DO anything with it.

WG: here he is not morphing into something.

WG: still not morphing. still not morphing.

MB: Oh my god is Odo reading romance novels

MB: This is why I don't let anyone see my phone when I'm on the bus. Bus time is fanfic time.

WG: yes. odo is also hooked on the whyborne and griffin novels.

MB: "Give it up, Quark. ... No, I mean 'give it up.' To me. Let's make out."

MB: Yeah this cutesy "I'm taking you to a mystery trial and refuse to tell you anything about it" is much less fun post-Gitmo.

MB: Either this is Nog's sophomore year field study or Sisko is telling a more irrelevant anecdote than usual.

MB: Also, who the hell would send a Starfleet cadet back to his home for a "field" study? Like, that is literally the opposite of the point. They need to be putting these kids in alien (hah!) situations.

MB: Well, maybe they make an exception for cadets who are the only members of their race. Like, "The rest of your time is one big exercise in new shit for you. Enjoy your well-earned vacation."

MB: What the hell kind of shitty apartment layout is that? The entrance is in one bedroom, and there are huge openings with no doors between the bedrooms and the common area. Also... maybe no bathroom?

MB: I'd say it makes sense as an apartment for two kids in their late teens on a space station, but by that logic it should be even tinier. Like, how many kids their age in New York sharing an apartment have that much square footage?

WG: well, he is the station commander's son

MB: I also can't believe they didn't even so much as chat about their expectations for things like cleaning schedules before agreeing to share an apartment. Like, I can see Jake being oblivious, but at this point Nog should have been like "Uh so I'm gonna be keeping up with my Starfleet Academy standards while I'm here."

MB: But then we wouldn't have Wacky Misunderstandings to work thru, and then the writers might have had to do some actual work.

WG: yeah. i'm really glad we came up with a fresh storyline that no one's ever done on TV before.

MB: Hahaha

MB: I do like Nog's mission to get Jake ripped

MB: I'm still not sure if Ferengi have metallic nails or if Quark just likes getting his done.

WG: lady quarkstrike

MB: Oh man if he could extend them that would be so wicked

MB: At least Odo's hauling Quark off to a secret prison in style. That jacket is amazing.

MB: Like, ankle-length tails.

MB: Our wacky "someone's left the main base of operations" hijinx have started

MB: Look, Odo, out of you and Quark, one of you has defused an explosive device under high-stakes circumstances before. And it ain't you.

MB: I'm impressed that the bomb did all that damage without even slightly injuring either Quark or Odo, who were about 2 feet from it at the time.

MB: "This is all your fault!" Yeah Quark is 100% correct there, Odo.

MB: I hope that everything after this is a 100% retread of the episode where Picard and Wesley crashed on that planet.

MB: Like, a shot-for-shot remake.

MB: So if Odo used to be his own pomade, what do you think he does for his hair now?

WG: LA Looks Mega Mega Hold Styling Gel?

MB: Readers, feel free to guess which one of us worked at a Sally Beauty Supply during college

MB: "Now, we either freeze to death or starve to death." "Well, we could bundle..."

MB: If there isn't at least one fic that turns this scenario into some Odo/Quark slash I would be heartily disappointed.

MB: "I didn't really read it for content. I mostly corrected your spelling and grammar." See, Nog, now that's where you're wrong. A good editor does both.

MB: Apparently we don't have Track Changes on PADDs.

MB: That, or Jake is angrily mashing Reject All right now.

WG: Markup: Show No Markup

MB: Hahaha yes

WG: and you'd think there'd be a previously saved version. it's the freakin' future.

WG: autosave technology should be miles ahead by now

MB: Right? It's always the simple but essential shit that SF writers miss out on predicting.

WG: like a tiny, portable replicator that is independent of the vessel's systems, and is included in every emergency pack

MB: Oh man that would ruin so many horrible plots

MB: Like the way cell phones in retrospect would have spoiled most of '90s TV

WG: and it's not like it'd have to be able to replicate over and over again. just enough power for three things, that, upon assessing the situation, you decide you need

WG: spare parts, blankets, i don't know rocket boots?

WG: something.

MB: A communication device

WG: but i guess some people think odo and quark in shiny silver puffy outfits rocket rollerblading through the forest while eating a snickers bar is not good entertainment

WG: but i disagree, it would be amazing.

MB: The best.

MB: "How much higher do we need to get? I mean go?" And that's how Quark found out that Odo was holding.

MB: This is an amazingly specific explosion. Knocks out a bunch of systems and communication and breaches the hull, but leaves the cabin intact and doesn't harm either passenger. Leaves one survival suit intact while completely destroying the rest.

MB: "How can it be so cold when the sun is shining?" I see Odo has never been to Wisconsin. It's a high pressure cold front, Odo. It pushes all the clouds out of the sky. Look it up.

MB: "I can finally sit on a chair and know it isn't you." I bet a lot of people would be invested in seeing Quark sit on Odo. Or vice versa.

WG: they would both be very selfish lovers, but each selfish in their own way

WG: it'd be awful.

MB: I think you mean amazing.

MB: And there's no way Jake got the apartment that messy other than deliberately. Also, he's been living with his Starfleet officer father for the entire previous span of his existence.

MB: "This is computerized dom-jot!" As opposed to a very, very tiny version glued to the surface of the PADD Jake is holding, I guess.

MB: "How about clearing a path to the bedroom?!" Oh yeah. No way they're not having sex. Even with those creepy tiny space beds.

MB: "This isn't what we agreed to." "We didn't agree to anything." He has a point.

MB: *hums the theme from The Odd Couple*

MB: "No slugs, no beetles, no worms, no snails." Why have we not colonized this planet? Why are we putting people on the fire planet before the "pretty mountains and trees and no bugs" planet?

WG: also, an otherwise well-fed person, even under harsh conditions, can go without food for a pretty long time

WG: like, months and months and months and months. they'd freeze before they'd starve, easily.

MB: Well, if there's no water, that makes it tricky. And I guess technically neither of them is human, so we don't know what their benchmarks are.

WG: there's no water?

WG: there are trees but no water?

MB: I haven't seen them drinking any

WG: i call foul on the "there are trees, but no water or bugs" planet

MB: idk dude maybe they're Space Trees

MB: for Reasons

WG: sulphur-based trees

WG: and, build a freakin' fire already

MB: I mean, we've already established that whoever wrote this episode was going back to plumb the depths of the most overused wells in TV history, so

WG: on the next episode of DS9, worf sees someone naked in the shower and feels awkward about it

MB: Wasn't that kind of part of the episode where he was skipping universes?

MB: I mean, what it boiled down to with him and wife!Troi.

WG: commander riker: worf! what are you doing in my shower?

WG: worf: i'm... skipping between parallel universes, i promise.

MB: Bwahahaha

MB: "You know what's going to make all this worthwhile? The look on your face when I eat you."

MB: Also who the hell tells someone to bring in a witness for a major trial and doesn't say "oh yeah they're a witness and not a defendant and you should probably put extra security on them"

MB: Also it is really bugging me that Quark is taking at least two steps for every step he is counting

WG: the same people who send a bajoran security officer to serve as a federation marshal?

MB: Zing

WG: but back to climbing every mountain.

WG: every tree-filled, water-devoid, bugless mountain

WG: step 1. find water. step 2. build fire. step 3. secure more fire and more water. step 4. wait two months for rescue.

WG: because "space explosion" probably left some debris to track

WG: and you were on a flight path.

MB: Did you ever play Don't Starve? You might like Don't Starve.

MB: "I drew some blood, just to make sure Nog isn't a Changeling." "Oh, didn't you hear? Apparently they found a way around that test."

MB: How is a cadet allowed to put someone on report. That's a bullshit chain of command.

WG: well, at least it's a nice impromptu meeting of the single dads' club

WG: ok at first i was like "wait? does any major character have a living wife in star trek"

WG: but then tuvok

MB: Separated by half the galaxy tho I assume

WG: and not a lot of living husbands, either, i suppose

MB: Wow, that is really weird when you start thinking about it.

MB: At least people seem to get laid pretty frequently if they want to.

MB: Except Geordi. Sorry, Geordi.

WG: the 'join starfleet' ad pops up for people who search space google for "easy meals for one" and who have watched frasier on netflix more than twice a week

MB: I always knew I'd be a great Starfleet candidate!

MB: j/k I haven't watched Frasier in over 15 years

MB: "I sometimes wish Jake had a little more of Nog's self-discipline." "And I wish Nog had Jake's ability to enjoy himself." *pregnant pause* CUT TO: Sisko and Rom hacking the transporter

WG: they go visit ursula, the sea witch

WG: and does she help them? yes she does.

MB: She's a very busy woman.

MB: There is perhaps no greater symbol of the NO SPACE GAYS conspiracy in Star Trek than Odo and Quark being stranded on a planet where they're freezing to death and sleeping like 20 feet apart.

MB: I am very suspicious about the temperature of this planet. Because there has got to be a very narrow range where it's too cold for them to keep warm without moving but not cold enough to kill them when sleeping exposed overnight. Like, nonexistently small.

MB: Okay if there were any justice in the world this fight would end with them making out.

WG: the justice is with the water, insects, and firewood

MB: Apparently.

MB: Because I guarantee you if one of them were a woman there's no way it wouldn't have gone: "Lecher." "Freak." "Fraud." "Fascist." "Failure." *beat* *SMOOCHING*

MB: jfc Odo how do you get that kind of fracture just falling down

WG: it's too bad they couldn't think of a synonym for Lecher that started with F

MB: Fletcher? One who makes arrows?

MB: Oh, synonym

MB: Not rhyme

MB: Sorry, my brain is having its usual problems

WG: well, you have had a lot of 5 years expired nyquil

MB: Hey. Hey now. Four years' expired. And it fixed my sinuses.

MB: "I'm taking you along as emergency rations." Bless you, Quark.

MB: I am bracing myself to be disappointed when everything resets to status quo after this episode despite Quark saving Odo's life in a dramatic and prolonged way.

MB: Weren't they just about to pass the tree line like 3/4 of an episode ago? These trees are all still huge.

MB: "MY MUSCLES WON'T WORK ANYMOOOOOOORE." Me after every run.

MB: Okay in this situation which of us do you think is Odo "I am pushing this shit with my broken body" and which of us is Quark "I'm just gonna lie here and die"

MB: I think I'm probably Quark

WG: i would not have gone on a ridiculous hike through a strange planet

MB: We probably would have reasonably agreed to leave the person with the broken leg behind and marked the location

WG: i'd have sat down, near the wreckage, and waited for either a dignified, non-sweaty death, or rescue near the thing that's more easily found from orbit

MB: I find it hard to believe that there's not like a ds9.craigslist.com where Jake could find someone looking for a roommate.

WG: he looked, but kept getting lured in by cougars in nice condos looking for attractive younger men to live rent free

MB: He only has so much brain energy left

MB: This new "let's try to accommodate each other's idiosyncrasies" apartment status quo is going to last a week, max, during which they will both be gritting their teeth at each other.

MB: Man Odo is gonna be embarrassed when this isn't his final entry.

MB: "As for myself, cremate me, stick my ashes in my bucket, and shoot me through the wormhole." ... ... ... *goes to update her will*

MB: Who even says "final log entry"? It's so melodramatic. Either it's your final entry, in which case it's obvious to whoever finds it, or you end up making another, and then it's all embarrassing anytime anyone listens to it.

WG: dax was also on this trip, but she got thrown free of the shuttle and into a luxury resort spa

MB: Ahahahaha I can't breathe

MB: Okay I am hoping that they were receiving Odo's transmission as soon as he hit his communicator to record his log and they just let him keep talking for funsies

MB: "If it wasn't for Quark's signal, we never would have found you." Uh how were you even in the neighborhood? Like, space is FUCKING HUGE.

WG: one would hope they would have found them eventually, even if they were dead

WG: like, "oh, well, they didn't arrive and we don't see the runabout on its flight plan. but there's no need to search for nearby habitable planets for the wreckage."

MB: Well, keep in mind that this is the same organization that apparently has exactly one storage location in a runabout for a minimal amount of survival gear and supplies.

MB: Also, they're using the wrong symbol on those Space Medical Things hooked up to Quark and Odo. A staff with two snakes and wings = caduceus = symbol of commerce. A staff with one snake = Rod of Asclepius = symbol of healing and medicine.

WG: some ensign switched it as a prank

WG: and then waited for someone to realize their really esoteric joke

WG: and three years later, it's just the defiant's sickbay now, and whatever.

MB: I got it, pedantic ensign. I got it.

MB: Oh shit, is this a Garak episode?

MB: Please tell me he's here to do more than make disingenuous comments while holding tea

WG: i think i might make "making disingenuous comments while holding tea" an item on my list when asked what my hobbies and interests are

MB: You are pretty good at it.

MB: "It was your idea to attend the conference in the first place, Garak." Seriously, how do we not have a moratorium on these pits of despair and anguish?

MB: Oh shit, and he was there to talk about how great the Occupation was? What the fucking fuck, Garak.

WG: it's an odo ep, with some garak sprinkled in because he's out of space jail now.

MB: I agree that the "Former Cardassian Oppressor" nametag was ridiculous. The "former" is really a stretch.

MB: Oh shit, I forgot about space jail! For almost committing space genocide, right?

WG: yeah, you get six months for that

MB: Time off for good behavior and snazzy contributions to the space jail sewing circle?

MB: "You may have worked for the Cardassians, but your only master... was Justice." I smell a Dragon Age II crossover.

MB: Oh no. Some sort of complication with a runabout coming back from a conference. Who possibly could have predicted this. The horror. The horror.

MB: Aw, there's no problem, they're just taking a space nap.

WG: do we have a conferences counter?

MB: Odo would be resetting the "Days since something horrible happened on the way to or from a conference" counter, but he's busy with that space nap.

WG: "did they run into a probe with a flute in it? because we know what that is."

MB: It was a jumja stick. Dax licked it.

MB: I hope this is also some kind of holodeck malfunction. Then we'd get a counter two-fer.

MB: Oh shit, LeVar Burton directed this one! Nice!

MB: C'mon, guys, figure it out. It's patently obvious that everyone is seeing you as Bajoran.

MB: "But then why are we seeing each other as we really are?" "Because that's the conceit of this episode."

WG: sisko is super tired of being sent back into past hellscapes

MB: It's probably Sisko's fault they're there. He's the jinx.

MB: Why don't they just go to Past Odo?

WG: "i don't know, but i'm sick of these. let's speed run this level and be done with it."

MB: Well that didn't work out great in allamaraine, so.

WG: poor sisko.

WG: after this, if he gets sent into the past/a simulation/fake memories/a fever dream brought on by an orb, he basically just sits down on the ground and waits for it to be over.

MB: Not the worst strategy.

WG: although he doesn't, now that i think of it. i think he's got one more to go through.

MB: I'm actually a little shocked there's only one more in the next, what, two and a half seasons?

MB: Or was that just one more for Sisko

WG: i'd have to review the ep list again, but i know of at least of a weird dream for sisko coming up

MB: Too bad Kira's not here, or they could send her to seduce Dukat.

MB: "I see I'm going to have to add the word pickpocket to your resume." Oh my god Odo are you ever not on? Give it a rest already.

MB: I'm gonna start telling people "If my nose didn't hurt so much, I'd tell you a fascinating story."

MB: Just, you know, at random.

MB: Garak's Bajoran identity looks good for 55.

WG: i also would think the cardassians would have some super secret code that you could speak and people would be like "oh, they're a surgically altered spy"

WG: and that garak could use that code to get them out of this pretty easily

WG: "moonbeams wichita 974 boogie"

WG: or whatever

MB: Well, to be fair, Garak did offer, but Odo was all "Nah bro they'd just torture you."

WG: "this thing's on rails, garak. just go along with it."

MB: Hahaha

MB: Speaking of rails, how the hell does it make sense for there to be random indigent Bajorans on the station? Why would the Cardassians bring people up there if not to do labor for them? It's like a recipe for rebellion.

MB: I'm basing this on the fact that Quark just recruited them all to work a shift at his bar like he was doing them some kind of favor.

MB: "Would you like me to hold your hands?" "Well..."

MB: "How much damage would it do to the timeline if Quark were to suffer a mysterious 'accident'?" UGH REALLY ODO? REALLY?

WG: they don't know it yet, but doing that would have let the dominion conquer the alpha quadrant

WG: so, a lot of damage, odo. a lot of damage.

MB: Plus that thing with the missile he defused.

MB: Aaaaaaand Dukat is checking out Dax, who he thinks is a Bajoran woman. Oh yeah, this is gonna end well.

WG: oh, that reminds me. kira does go into the past.

WG: later on, so there's one for kira, too.

MB: Nice

MB: Is Dax acting, or is she actually picking up the mental state of the person whose place she's taking?

WG: acting. she sydney bristows this later on.

MB: *googles "Sydney Bristow"* Oh okay now I get it

MB: I would have gone with "Sophie Devereaux's it" but that's 'cause I finished my Leverage rewatch recently

MB: "I didn't bring you up here to be abused. I just wanted to extort 'friendship' out of you through my position of power. Oh. Um. Okay, I guess I did bring you up here to be abused. Sorry."

MB: "As you get to know me, Leeta, I think you'll find that I'm a complicated man." Oh my god just get this guy a fedora and a subscription to The Red Pill subreddit already.

WG: "i'm the consciousness of a person with seven lives from the future trapped in a body of a woman from the past"

WG: who's complicated now?

MB: Burn, Dukat, burn.

MB: I honestly feel like Garak's racism here is really out of character. Like, they needed SOMEbody to be all, "the Occupation was in the Bajorans' best interest," and he was the most convenient Cardassian.

MB: "Dukat had us led out onto the Promenade and publicly..." Publicly what? Tickled? Feted? Pantsed? Given a goat? Given three goats? "... Executed." Oh. Boring.

MB: I bet Quark was really excited when the Occupation was over because he got to start wearing brighter colors.

MB: These muted oncology-department-waiting-room tones are doing him no favors.

WG: personally i don't like the whole "evil regimes with boring color palette" cliche nonsense. i want an evil empire that like, loves yellows and fun pastels

WG: but is still totally freakin' evil

MB: This is why you're in charge of running my evil empire.

MB: You'll help me avoid all those common cliche pitfalls.

MB: Oh no, not illegal ~*~crystals~*~

MB: Okay so is this all some sort of shared hallucination caused by Odo's guilt over his actions during the Occupation

WG: dingdingding

MB: It's been a while since I've gotten to play the "guess what's going on" game. I've forgotten how much I enjoyed it.

WG: the explanation for how it actually happens is absolutely ridiculous

WG: even if i'm grading on a curve

MB: Oh, indubitably.

MB: Stop touching the merch if you're not gonna buy it, Sisko. Nobody wants a vase with your sticky fingerprints all over it.

MB: Very disappointed that Garak is handing that spoon over to Sisko instead of double-fisting his soup.

MB: Gosh, Odo's seeing his hands as covered in blood. I bet that's not symbolic at all.

WG: "are we being too subtle in this ep?" "maybe." "how do we hit people over the head with it that odo has blood on his hands?"

WG: "oooh! show him with blood. on his HANDS."

WG: "we could have a river of blood sweep him away..." "no, karl, we're going with blood on his hands. moving on."

MB: The writing may be ham-handed, but at least the direction is good. We need a catchy nickname for Burton, like Jonathan "Two-Takes" Frakes.

MB: "Don't look at me. Eat your soup." Um, bro, you're sitting right across the table from him. Not looking at you is more suspicious, not less.

MB: "We're not a commuter service. The 'Bajoran underground' isn't, like, a literal subway thing."

MB: Awesome, the Resistance guy literally used the word "indigent." Confirming that they are, you know, indigent, which makes no sense from a Cardassian perspective.

MB: "Timor, Ishan, Jillur. You will be publicly... given three goats."

MB: If you ever have a guilt dream and drag me into it, please make it something fun.

WG: no, it'll be the opposite

WG: it'll be super lame, like, that time that i forgot to write a thank you note

MB: Failing an exam in Honors Math III

WG: "WG, why are were here watching you eat an entire pizza by yourself"

MB: Oh no, you bet your ass our past hallucination selves are buying me a hallucination pizza, too.

MB: Especially if it's from Transfer.

MB: Dax sure does seem to magically fall into the best possible circumstance in all of these weird phenomena. Bell Riots: she gets to hang out with the rich people. Hallucination of the past: she gets to eat watermelon with Gul Dukat.

MB: "There might be some connection between you and what's happening here, Odo!" GOSH YOU THINK

MB: I do enjoy that Dax is taking charge, clubbing Dukat out, and busting them out of space jail.

WG: #aliasisashowaboutaspy

MB: "A Changeling!" "We'll figure it out later." Speak for yourself; I'm just waiting on the goats.

MB: They just got word: their goat delivery has been scheduled for 1900. That's two hours from now.

MB: Does Thrax morph into Odo at some point?

WG: ok wait

WG: so i haven't seen this ep in forever, and now i'm thinking about it, given that this is all one big odo hallucination over his guilt, what is dax?

WG: is she like, side guilt he feels, or was his hallucination just like, there's a remainder here and we're going to set it to the side because i only need three people to fit into the situation in the past

MB: They're participating in the hallucination themselves, tho, right? It's not like Bashir's hallucination, where everybody but the alien was parts of himself.

WG: right. so it's like odo was like, hallucinating, and then everyone's a part of it, but he only feels guilty about killing these three people

MB: Oh gotcha. I think he pulled everyone in, and yeah, his hallucination realized there was a spare, so she got to hang out and eat watermelon.

MB: "Soooo, Odo, you wanna talk about these war crimes, orrrrrrrr..."

MB: Now we're at the boring exposition of everything that people who've been paying attention already understand.

MB: You didn't "allow" three innocent men to die, Odo. You were directly and personally responsible. You basically killed them yourself.

MB: Uh so the problem was that Odo has a goopy brain?

WG: so many enzymes, or whatever

MB: Also I'm pretty sure that "there are no other Changelings around" doesn't mean "we just pull anybody into this Link thing that they have no anatomy to support"

WG: right? at least think of something sort of plausible

MB: "I'm guilty. What more is there to say." Way to make this about wallowing in your guilt instead of actually facing justice and making amends, Odo.

MB: "I guess the truth is that anyone who lived through the occupation had to get a little dirty." Um. What? No. No, Kira. No.

We couldn’t have done it without y’all.

Star Trek Rewatch, Session 100:

MB: Oh my god it's the episode with the ridiculous beachwear

MB: "Neck bothering you again?" "Yeah, sometimes I leave my braid in and Worf likes to pull on—" "OKAY."

MB: "Risa? Neither you or Worf turned in any leave paperw... Oh who am I kidding. Have fun, show up whenever you feel like it."

WG: I hate Risa so much.

MB: Like, as a plot device in Star Trek, or in this episode in specific?

WG: as a general concept.

MB: Also, I'm pretty sure at this point Risa has a record on par with a conference, in terms of related shenanigans.

WG: it's just so creepy. whose fantasy is this ridiculous concept of a planet?

MB: Sad, boring nerd men in the '90s.

MB: It's a place where people have no standards! Even they can get laid!

WG: the only "planet dedicated to one thing" I ever liked was the doctor who library planet.

MB: Oh, Steven Moffat when his worst excesses were still being reined in by someone else. How I miss those salad days.

WG: please tell me salad days is a phrase I'm just yet unfamiliar with.

MB: Yeah, it means, like, heyday, with a connotation of youth

MB: That "loosening up" line is just begging for a pegging joke.

MB: "It's not proper for you to have lunch with an ex-lover while we are together." Dax, girlfriend. Red flag. Run. Run while you can.

MB: P.S. I will never not cringe at the word "lover." There is no way to make it not sound creepy.

MB: I like that when they do the shots of just Sisko and Odo, Dax completely disappears, even though she's leaning on the table in the shots from the other angle and should be visible.

MB: "You'll have to tell us all about it when you get back." Who says that about their friends' sex vacation?

MB: "And I don't see why you feel the need to control my every move." Uh because he's a patriarchal douchebag? Seriously Dax honey he hasn't been subtle about it.

WG: so your Majesty, how was balmoral?

MB: "I got my 'fill' of 'Bombay mix' if you know what I mean."

MB: I think Leeta's hair is a longer and poofier version of my cut from late high school.

MB: "There's no harm in sharing a runabout." CUT TO: A supercut of every instance where having more than one cast member in a runabout has ended horribly. It's even longer than the supercut of every time Worf got shut down.

MB: Do you think Dax and Worf trade braid tips?

WG: ummmmmm. just the tips?

MB: Hahaha

MB: "I really wish I was going with you, but my last girlfriend turned out to be a smuggler for terrorists so we had to take a break."

MB: Bask in Quark's sartorial splendor here. God bless this costuming department.

WG: no.

WG: they lose all points for the missed "bashir in a speedo" opportunity here.

MB: A sad day, indeed.

WG: very disappointing.

WG: they can make a speedo version of dax's sparkly Jessie Spano swimsuit and put it on him.

MB: I second this motion.

WG: "...and wear it for the whole episode?" "yes, sid. the whole episode."

MB: I don't get why Worf is getting all bent out of shape over other people sharing their runabout. Like... It's not his? It's Starfleet's?

MB: I'm sure they properly signed Sisko's sheet and everything.

MB: Oh my god are they fucking make Leeta serve everyone

MB: Oh okay she's just being nice

MB: And told Quark to fuck off

MB: Good job, Leeta.

MB: "What's he going to do, turn around and take me home?" "I swear to Kahless mister if you do not behave I WILL turn this runabout around."

MB: Quark did you get a bulk discount on fertility statues

MB: "What's jamaharon?" "I'll show you later." It's okay to just say you don't know, Bashir.

MB: "Going? Where?" "Me and the statue need some alone time."

MB: Oh my god this is like a microcosm of Bay View during the summer.

MB: Bashir. Bashir is that a velour top. Bashir no.

WG: for so many reasons.

WG: I promise that's my last dirty bashir comment. I'm out of mana.

MB: I'll try to throw you an innervate

MB: "In its natural state, Risa is nothing more than a rain soaked, geologically unstable jungle." Sooo... We're using these technologies for a vacation planet and not, you know, all the colonies in terrible places... why, exactly?

WG: I hate this planet.

MB: Ooh, I guess those spots DO go all the way down.

MB: Wait seriously Curzon FUCKED TO DEATH

MB: Also HOW IS THAT A THING, FUTURE

WG: I hate. hate. hate. this. planet.

MB: Also also Arandis is way too young for Curzon

MB: Basically everything about this is gross

MB: Also also also, how many Trill do you think she walked up to being all, "Dax, is that you?" before finding Jadzia

MB: "If you were a Klingon woman, we would already be married." CUT TO: K'Ehleyr shooting Worf down.

WG: cut to: Alexander getting worf's letter saying he won't be coming to earth because he has a girlfriend now.

MB: He makes a mud bath holodeck program for himself and cries alone in it

MB: "I'm not trying to run your life." CUT TO: Supercut of Worf trying to run Dax's life.

MB: Oh hot damn I hope Worf DOES put that bathing suit on

WG: he doesn't, I don't think. for dorn in tight shorts, see captain's holiday.

MB: I like that this random conservative dude just knows to show up at Worf's hotel room

MB: "Mr. Worf, you are a boring patriarchal killjoy of epic renown. Would you join our cause?"

MB: Whoa hello net shirt Risa dude

WG: you might need to make that the screen grab for this one.

WG: for, you know, clarity and stuff.

MB: I agree that sharing that image with the internet is an important and vital mission

WG: still can't make me like this planet.

MB: "All of Risa's visitors leave happier than when they've arrived." CUT TO: Brainwashing device Riker brought back with him that almost brought down the flagship of the Federation.

MB: (This is apparently a clip episode.)

MB: Also, I will note that in the Netflix description for this episode "pleasure planet" is in quotes, so apparently they agree with you about Risa's merits.

WG: thank you, Netflix summary person.

WG: you are a person of rare judgment.

MB: Whoa Arandis is rocking some awesome earrings here

MB: I would have worn the shit out of those in my gaudy costume jewelry phase in high school

MB: "When I look at you, I see pampered, spoiled children." Uh yeah a real orator there. Like a second coming of Cicero. Must have done 4N6 as a teen.

WG: hey. I have many forensics trophies in storage somewhere.

MB: This guy doesn't, but he wishes he did.

MB: "If you want amusement, you go to a holosuite." Worf raises his hand. "Actually, I have my comrades jab me with pain sticks."

MB: Is this guy a secret Dominion plant or

WG: no. just a fake bad guy whose plans get foiled by our favorite meddling kids.

MB: "... Re-embrace the kind of hard work that built the Federation in the first place..." CUT TO: Zefram Cochrane blitzed out of his mind.

MB: I hope that means this guy is actually a bitter 20-something in an old man suit.

WG: an Edgar suit.

MB: Nice.

MB: "I am merely observing" Ugh stop being that devil's advocate asshole, Worf.

MB: Leeta is one of the few people who can pull off that hot pink.

MB: Yeah, that's right, Worf is just bein' racist. TAKE THAT, WORF.

WG: at the end of this ep, word basically just learns he can dance outside of warehouses.

MB: I feel like there's a reference I'm missing there.

WG: footloose it. abandoned warehouse.

MB: That was my first guess! It's in my Netflix queue.

WG: but for worf, a few lines up, the warehouse is his own creation, based on trauma.

MB: Does the warehouse store all the leave forms he's submitted over the years

WG: ha ha ha. yes.

MB: "Not every relationship has to end like a Klingon opera." CUT TO: K'Ehleyr being murdered.

WG: hahahahaha.

MB: Oh shit yeah these activists are gonna show those CURTAINS. And that, um, TABLE.

MB: "I hope we've proved our point." "That... draperies are awful?" "Shit okay apparently not."

MB: "You think you're safe in this paradise of yours, but you're not. Our, um, totally fake and safe 'attack' that did no damage somehow proved that."

MB: "Just something for you to think about while you wait for your desserts." Uh bro I guarantee you I was thinking about that already. Although, nice desserts/deserts pun there. (The "just deserts" kind of desert, not the "full of sand" kind of desert.)

MB: "As a Starfleet officer, I have the authority to arrest you for what you just did." Well THAT'S not super creepy.

WG: the old country buffet was never the same again, after that demonstration.

MB: I snorted. Oh, Old Country Buffet.

MB: I should take you there. We can eat like 20 bowls of pudding and people-watch.

WG: you know my hygiene rules expressly rule out any buffet or salad bar-type environment

MB: I can eat like 20 bowls of pudding and we can people-watch.

MB: "I suppose you have another list of things I'm doing wrong." I seriously do not understand why Dax has not kicked this terribly written Worf to the curb yet.

MB: "I did not say you were doing anything wrong." CUT TO: Supercut of Worf telling Dax she's doing it wrong.

WG: they built an IKEA sectional together on their third date. it didn't go well.

MB: Worf clenched a bunch of hardware in his fist and howled, it got all bloody, it was awkward.

WG: "how can it be overtightened?" "i don't know, jadzia, it just is."

MB: "I'm not going to change who I am." "Nor am I." Well given that you're the asshole here I think that's a solid endorsement for Dax to get the fuck out.

WG: just slip out the back, dax. have a little plan, stan. no need to be coy, troi

MB: omg

MB: love it

WG: there must be 50 ways to leave your worf.

MB: Just get stabbed in the jugular, K'Ehleyr

MB: Bless the Bajorans tho for having a whole little ceremony for breaking up with someone. Bonus points for it involving the smashing of a dish.

WG: after about 1000 years of just not responding to text messages, they came up with this.

MB: Boo on the costume department for only making one outfit for Bashir. Unless they're trying to imply that he just didn't have a chance to change, in which case, well done.

MB: This floral fabric on Quark is blowing my mind tho

MB: "No recriminations, no hurt feelings." Uh Bashir I'm pretty sure that's a function of this breakup and not the way it was conducted.

MB: Ugh look at that little skinnimalink

MB: I could break him in half like a twig

WG: who?

WG: what?

MB: Bashir

MB: (Alexander Siddig, call me, kiss kiss)

WG: i think i have a hotkey somewhere for "break him in half" innuendo

MB: It wouldn't surprise me

WG: but i made a promise, and i usually/sometimes/often keep those.

MB: Well, you know, the important ones.

MB: Oh shit, Dax is Ghost-ing with Arandis (I thought that was banned in most ceramics workshops)

MB: Ditch Worf's obnoxious ass, Dax. Get back with your hot Risan buddy.

MB: Gal pals! Gals bein' pals!

WG: now i'm imagining dax in ugly betty and it's pretty great.

MB: "You want to make people leave Risa? I think I know a way." CUT TO: Old white dude playing Train's greatest hits.

MB: I am 100% here for Dax's "so done" face in response to Bashir pontificating about how he totally gets where Worf is coming from.

MB: "What I want is Worf." "WHY?!" Finally I agree with something Bashir has said.

WG: of all the times they need to get troi on the space phone, the time is now.

MB: She can make a contract for NOT BEING A FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT.

WG: that was actually what led to their breakup. worf finding that contract delivered wirelessly to his kindle.

MB: "I thought it wasn't supposed to rain in this part of Risa." Seriously, they water every single plant by hand?

MB: Um so is Worf ever going to face any consequences for his environmental terrorism or

WG: no. no he is not.

WG: has quark made his rain comments yet?

WG: because i use that glemmening comment in real life to this very day

MB: He's doing it right... now!

WG: and some day, some very special person is going to get it and we're going to live in a small, smart, tidy house in a sensible mid-sized canadian city.

WG: and have a wonderful life together

MB: I hope you have a Bashir/Garak cake topper.

MB: It would be tied for nerdiness with my friends' Link/Zelda cake topper.

WG: we will only serve petit fours.

MB: I will cram so many tiny cakes into my mouth.

MB: So many.

MB: Sooooooo many.

MB: "I've never heard so much complaining in my life." I call bullshit on somebody who dedicated her life to the service industry.

WG: after about 20 minutes of running through the rain with the person you love, things got kind of cold and boring.

MB: Yeah, but then you get the fun of coming in and taking the cold, wet clothes off!

WG: and i guess drying them in the dryer and putting them on later

MB: Even without sex also being involved, changing out of clammy clothes into warm, dry ones is one of the best feelings ever.

WG: true. there's at least 3 hours of enjoyment here

MB: "The guest population has declined by 30%." WHERE ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE GETTING TRANSPORT

WG: that really is an enormous amount of people

MB: Like, when we need to evacuate a planet because of IMMINENT DEATH, there's no way to evacuate. But people need to get away from rain? No problem!

WG: especially since it covers a planet

MB: Right?!

MB: "I've... had my fill of Risa." Another prime pegging joke opportunity.

MB: "No one here will remember this ever happened." I... find that doubtful?

MB: "I intend to send a message they won't forget." *spells out "LOL BUTTS" in rainclouds*

WG: yet again, the plausible number generator in the writers' room fails us.

WG: #yolo

MB: #yoro

MB: You Only Risa Once

MB: After That You Are Permanently Scarred by Mindcontrol Technology or Rain

WG: is it time for worf's big speech yet?

MB: Oh yeah we're in the middle of this tedious self-serving bullshit

MB: "A Klingon woman would not have given me grounds for suspicion." "And how would you know?" PREACH.

MB: Like, I sympathize with his position, but like all trauma it doesn't actually excuse being an asshole, however much it explains the basis for your behavior

WG: it's getting real in this memory cave.

WG: but don't worry, worf changes his mind and dances outside of his mind warehouse pretty soon.

MB: I certainly fucking hope so

MB: Ugh, soccer, really?

MB: This is seriously the explanation for why Worf is an asshole, a soccer game?

MB: Oh okay a soccer game where he killed another kid, that's slightly more serious

MB: Guess that makes this Worf's "World of Cardboard" Speech

MB: Though tbh this would carry more water if it weren't for (to name another trope) The Worf Effect throughout all of TNG

MB: Because seriously if he's strong enough to accidentally headbutt someone to death as a teen, he should have been able to easily deal with a lot of threats that he was overcome by

WG: the worf effect?

MB: The Worf Effect = show how strong/intimidating an opponent is by having them take down the strongest person on your team, which over time has the effect of making team member look ineffectual

MB: "There are some things in life you can't control, and one of them is me." I'm gonna put that on my OkC profile.

WG: i'll stick with "it's glemmening out there"

MB: "I suggest you all get off—" HEYO "—this planet—" ugh "—as soon as possible."

MB: So I guess it's magically okay that Worf dabbled in terrorism because he took back the access he gave after only a few people (presumably) died?

MB: Like, flash-floods and earthquakes are nothing to shake a stick at, especially in areas unprepared for them.

WG: that's our worf.

MB: If I could tag this conversation as "Problem Klingon" twice, I would

MB: ... More than twice.

WG: i'm going to say, straightforwardly, that i do not like this episode

WG: this episode is like an amusement park. you think it's going to be great and you'll have a great time, but it just feels tedious and pandering by the end.

MB: It seems like the kind of concept episode that it would be really hard to execute in a way that lives up to the premise

WG: it's not even a failure of execution, i just think DS9 has so many of its own truly great episodes that stand on their own feet, in their own show, and they don't need this gimmick.

WG: stack this up against "in the pale moonlight" and this ep is exposed as cheap nonsense

MB: How were their ratings at the time? Maybe they were trying to pull in the old TOS demographics

WG: probably. well, let's enjoy the "fun."

MB: "Enjoy"

MB: I'm please to see that Star Fleet has finally gotten their shit together enough to create an entire department to deal with time travel bullshit

MB: I guess the last straw was "dude almost destroys humanity by ending up in the middle of the Bell Riots"

MB: I bet this guy's PADD just has a list of time-travel tropes that he's checking off

MB: Wait, have Orbs always had unique properties

MB: I'm not sure if I missed that or if they retconned it

WG: yeah, like the sex dream orb is just for sex dreams

MB: Welp guess which one I'm visiting

MB: "Normal face" excuse you Mr. Humancentric Racist Jerk

MB: Man, they are laying the racist on thick today. Must be so that we understand that this guy is "really" racist, and not their normal brand of racism that they don't even notice.

MB: "I wouldn't take it personally" uh bro I would

MB: "I have my own ways of torturing Worf. The only problem is that every time I try to use them he proposes marriage after."

MB: "Benjamin, something's very wrong. According to the latest issue of Bajoran Quarterly, hemlines are three inches higher than they were when we left the station."

MB: Hang on, did they fix the intro?

MB: Ugh, no, there go the jangles

WG: like with the jangling and speeding up and +5% more traffic?

MB: Yeah I've just skipped past it for so long that I forgot the intro was still mellow-ish

MB: "It didn't take us long to realize that the guy who attacked our security guard was the ONE STRANGER ON BOARD."

MB: Um so this spy finds an orb that will let him travel back in time, and his best use for it is... to fix a career fuck-up?

MB: I feel like "win the space lottery" should be higher on the list

MB: Like, if I found a time machine tomorrow (bonus points if it's built into a TYME machine) you bet your ass I'm not going back to my first shitty job out of college to warn myself not to accidentally piss off my horrible boss by demonstrating his incompetence

MB: How did this spy wipe the transporter logs? We don't back that shit up? Is the Defiant running RAID 0? That shit doesn't even count as RAID y'all. For reasons just demonstrated.

MB: "I'm a doctor, not a historian." GROAAAAAN.

MB: If Worf is able to sneak around by doing nothing but putting a bandanna over his forehead I am gonna be super disappointed

WG: get ready for some disappointment, because that's pretty much it

MB: Ughhhh

MB: "I don't know anything about this time period." We didn't, like, take five minutes to look at the wiki page for this year before beaming over?

MB: C'mon, Sisko, why would a command lieutenant be doing repairs?

MB: Odo wins for least flattering outfit

MB: It looks like they belted him into an old tent

MB: And maybe we shouldn't order Klingon drinks, either

WG: some quality spycraft

MB: I should cosplay as that server

MB: "If You See Something, Say Something, unless what you see is someone ordering a Klingon beverage or looking like a Klingon wearing a bandanna"

MB: "You're drawing attention." Couldn't be because HE'S A FUCKING KLINGON

MB: "Most humanoids love soft, furry animals." Oh Odo, you just haven't seen Worf with a targ.

MB: "Mortal enemy" is pretty overdramatic, Klingons.

WG: there is no lesser word for enemy in klingon

MB: Okay that's fair

WG: it's either mortal enemy or "person i met once whose name i always forget"

MB: Worf's mortal enemies include: barrels, Gowron, being constantly shut down, emotions

MB: Sisko, you don't have any battle stations. You will be super-obvious if you just show up at someone else's.

MB: How polite of that turbolift to pause while Sisko was making his call.

MB: Hahaha wow that is some quality turbolift signage

MB: "Hey baby, want to give me a physical" is quite possibly the least sexy come-on I can imagine.

MB: NO, BASHIR. DON'T FUCK YOUR GREAT-GRANDMA.

MB: That is SUPER GROSS.

WG: rule #1 in the starfleet time directive is "don't bang anyone"

WG: temporal prime directive. keep your pants on.

MB: Maybe we should call it something more intense than the "prime directive," seeing as they fuck up the normal one all the time.

MB: Temporal "okay no seriously we mean it this time really #1 priority" rule

MB: I am getting you this sparkly panel of jewel-toned lights behind Kirk's head for your wall.

MB: I feel like Dax's and Sisko's respective enthusiasm and lack thereof for this whole mess has been influenced by their previous time-based adventure, where Dax got to party with rich people and Sisko got to be homeless.

MB: I do appreciate that they remembered that Dax was alive back then.

MB: Although I feel like she should spend more time cringing at stuff. If I were back in the '80s, I know I would be.

MB: Ahahaha, I forgot the Klingon makeup was different back then.

MB: Who's a gangly little puppet man? (It's Bashir.)

MB: tbh getting involved in that fight made sense, since everyone else in the bar joined in

MB: If they had sat back, they would have been noticed

MB: Speaking of lax security, nobody noticed that there is just a pile of random crew members they have no record of?

WG: i guess that computer technology that detects each individual person's vital signs at all times and on demand hasn't been invented yet

MB: On the downside, it will also be harder for them to find out how to render someone unconscious

MB: "He's not alone." :Michael Jackson song starts playing:

MB: Charges? What charges? He's a spy. Spies don't get charged. They get traded.

MB: "I see myself standing with Kirk's head in one hand... And a tribble in the other!"

MB: OH MY GOD THAT'S ACTUALLY THE LINE

WG: the episode writes itself

MB: a tribble bomb

MB: Are you fucking kidding me

MB: what is this bullshit

WG: t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-tribble bomb.

MB: Bwaha

MB: Why are we not burning or spacing these tribbles as we scan them

MB: Unless you think you can personally remember over a million individual tribbles to tell which ones you've already checked

MB: Or, here's a thought, just chuck 'em all into the sun

WG: right. scan 50, so kirk can find the poisoned/dead ones

WG: and leave those in the bin. then just toss the rest

WG: and when spock is like "why are there only 50?" kirk will be like "whatever spock, drop it"

WG: and spock will be all "raised eyebrow"

MB: Yes, vast improvement

MB: I kind of want a bed made of tribbles now

MB: "It's not a question of manpower, it's a question of multiplication." Um, that's a manpower problem. That's literally what it is.

MB: Like, presumably a manpower problem you can't SOLVE. But it's still that.

WG: get out the Gantt chart!

MB: Ah, corporate life, I don't miss you.

MB: People opening cabinets and having stuff fall out on them will never not be funny. See: Bashir and tennis balls; Kirk and tribbles.

MB: How did Kira "discover how to use the orb"? I hope it involved a sex dream.

WG: she remembered it was the past

WG: and the cardassians hadn't occupied bajor yet and stolen the orbs

MB: But we can't prevent that genocide because of... reasons.

WG: so she hacked into the bajoran vedek internet and just downloaded the old user manual

MB: Ah yes, the vedeknet.

MB: You're right (as always), that episode was really disappointing.

WG: right?

WG: people are like "this is my favorite episode"

WG: and i can't take them seriously

Star Trek Rewatch, Session 98:

MB: I hope the eponymous "assignment" of this episode is for O'Brien to go undercover as a teenager at the station's school

WG: no, but the subtitle is "now we're even"

WG: the assignment: now we're even

MB: Oooooooooh I like it

MB: I 100% agree with Quark that there's nothing more invigorating than breakfast in a bar, especially if the bar serves breakfast burritos.

MB: Although I swear to god if the waitron dips their fucking finger in my salsa and then walks away licking it off I am making them bring me a new one.

MB: ... Unless they're hot.

WG: ew, don't eat someone's finger germs

MB: Good point. That's exactly why I don't like sliced citrus fruits on the rims of my drinks.

MB: We all know you slice that shit up at the start of the day and then it spends all day marinating in the heat while people jam their grubby fingers into the container over and over.

MB: And now Rom is turning down some perfectly good pureed beetle. Tsk.

MB: Also, I'm pretty sure corned beef hash is an Irish-American thing, not an Irish thing. Like, my immigrant forebears ate corned beef because it was the cheapest shit you could get, not because it was a traditional Irish delicacy.

MB: Based on my experience, an Irish breakfast would be a couple of fried eggs, bacon and/or sausages, toast, and friend tomatoes.

WG: please tell me it really is friend tomatoes and not a typo

MB: It's when you draw a smiley face on the tomato before you cook it. Friend tomato!

MB: No, it's friend tomatoes, disappointingly.

MB: God dammit! Friend tomatoes.

WG: hahahahaha

MB: ... Fuck. F R I E D. Fried.

MB: I'm crying.

MB: It's like trying to type "pedantic" all over again. Somehow I always end up talking about necklaces.

MB: Orange juice and coffee? Ugh. Gross. Why not just dump them in the same cup. It's not like they'll taste any better separately.

MB: Oh shit, O'Brien, you killed the fuck out of Keiko's plants.

WG: the rest of the ep is o'brien running around finding replacement plants

WG: that look exactly like the ones he killed

MB: The solution is that you swap a bunch of stem bolts for them.

MB: Ironically, though, not the self-sealing kind.

MB: Molly's wardrobe continues to fucking slay.

MB: "I've seen you handle your wife thousands of times." Oh yes good I was worried we'd left sexist Bashir behind.

MB: "It's not as if something happened to Molly or the baby." "Actually... we overwatered them, too." CUT TO: The pruniest Molly.

MB: Good job eating all the chocolates before telling O'Brien that you've hijacked his wife's body.

WG: ok so

WG: if i were a super villain, i'd want to be like a kai winn type

WG: but realistically, if pressed to choose the type of super villain i'd actually be, it'd be "keiko o'brien in 'the assignment'"

MB: I can't promise I won't ever pull this on you, by the way.

MB: "I have hijacked MB's body, and unless you do exactly as I say, I will kill her. ... Now, it's time for a five-day Farscape marathon."

WG: evil keiko (1) gets down to business (2) is super thorough and well prepared (3) has plans within plans and (4) is super polite and lets no one know she's evil

WG: she's the anti-bond villain, and it's pretty great

WG: by the end of this ep, i'm basically rooting for evil keiko all the way

MB: Oh yeah, I love her already.

MB: "If you're really in control of my wife's body, let me speak to her." ... This isn't a kidnapping, Miles. She's right in front of you. You can tell it's her.

WG: a little bit like how evil talia would probably have been a great character

MB: Although I guess he could be trying to verify that she isn't a robot or a clone or something.

WG: to be fair, it has happened before (or if i'm getting the timeline messed up, it will eventually happen)

MB: There was the duplicate O'Brien, for sure.

WG: and now i'm wondering about my subtitle

WG: so they're sort of even because they've both been possessed by evil spirits or whatever now

WG: but thinking about it, keiko was held hostage in both

WG: so really, they sort of aren't even, and it's just a bigger guilt debt that o'brien can never work off

WG: so we sort of need a new subtitle

MB: The Assignment: God Dammit, O'Brien, Not Again

WG: yes.

WG: "why does this keep happening?"

MB: The Assignment: Stop Fridging Keiko

MB: That's your literal assignment, Star Trek writers. Stop it.

MB: The Assignment: Maybe the O'Briens Should Invest in Possession Insurance

WG: they'd never get underwritten

MB: I bet Starfleet has a group plan

MB: Honestly I'm surprised it's not auto-enroll

WG: i kind of want to eat a box of chocolates while being evil right now

MB: I can wait if you wanna run to Choco Bella

MB: Orange is a good color for Keiko. Too bad it's probably now been spoiled forever by its association with Evil Keiko.

MB: I am really hoping that the first thing Keiko does when she gets her body back is punch Bashir in the face for killing her bonsai trees. Bonus points because he'll be so confused since "she" already forgave him.

MB: (Bashir's not kidding. He literally did leave a patient on the operating table. It's a thing he does, just to prove he can.)

MB: That's right, Evil Keiko. Just because you're possessing a body doesn't mean you can cheap out on replicated food for the husband's birthday.

MB: So lemme guess. Rom is going to figure out that's something's wrong, based on what O'Brien is doing/having them do.

WG: yes

WG: today on "cooking with evil keiko", we learn about burrata

MB: Oh man, Evil Keiko should make an all-Cardassian buffet.

MB: "Computer, initiate full identity scan of Keiko O'Brien and note inconsistencies with any existing medical records." "Scan complete. ... Did Keiko always have a metal skeleton?"

MB: Gosh, it sure is great that you can ask the computer all kinds of questions about rendering your wife unconscious without it tripping any red flags.

WG: hahahahahaha

WG: wait, we have that technology now

WG: is there a google block where like, you can only google so many things that probably lead up to a crime before it stops you?

MB: "OK Google, how do I make my wife pass out"

WG: i kind of want to try

MB: I think it's more of an "after the fact" thing.

WG: but i also don't want to get on some sort of weird list and see ads for chloroform popping up everywhere i go

WG: or like... divorce lawyers

WG: i'll have to go manually uncheck whatever the spouse version of regicide is from my ad interests page

MB: Ah, yes, "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow," the fallback of writers everywhere for shows where they're too cheap to shell out for the rights to "Happy Birthday."

MB: I hope that Dax handing O'Brien that bottle of presumably whiskey is followed by a cut to him drinking it alone in his bedroom.

MB: Just, like, chuggin' that shit.

MB: Who says "would you excuse me for a moment" to their friend at their birthday. This isn't a corporate breakfast briefing.

MB: O'Brien, you're doing a shitty job of acting like everything's okay. At this rate, you're gonna get your wife killed.

MB: In this situation, I trust that you would absolutely be able to play it cool.

WG: i would be my normal self

WG: but i would suggest we play the resistance

WG: and not accuse you ever of being the spy

MB: OooooooooooOOOOOOOOH

WG: which would let everyone know that something is terribly, terribly wrong

WG: because i almost always accuse you

MB: "Almost always." No. No, WG. ALWAYS.

MB: The question is, who at game night will casually mention Pah-wraiths so you can start researching them?

WG: evil keiko was also doing tons of evil host things

WG: she told dax something was gluten free when it was only mostly gluten free.

WG: she made brownies with nuts in them

MB: Proper brownies have nuts in them, anyway. Nobody's making you eat them, allergic people.

WG: no, nuts in brownies is just ruining them. i'm not allergic to nuts, i'm allergic to gross.

WG: my dinner with evil: the miles o'brien story

MB: Well at this point then I guess if I ever serve you a brownie with nuts, you'll know I'm possessed.

MB: Evil Keiko morning smile: best smile.

MB: Ooh hey, I don't think Evil Keiko ever answered why she's not just directly possessing O'Brien. I bet that's gonna be relevant to how they defeat her.

WG: i don't think it is

WG: but maybe.

MB: Aw boo. If they just leave that dangling because they were too lazy to figure out why, that's boring.

MB: Nice Promenade tumble, Evil Keiko.

MB: "How much more damage do you think this body can take?" "OK Google, ..."

MB: Also, how are we not addressing the dangerously low height of those Promenade railings? If someone Keiko's height could flip over them so easily...

WG: wasn't that one guy pushed off before, too?

MB: I do believe you're right.

MB: These railings are a hazard. Why isn't there some kind of safety field that activates if someone looks like they're about to go over?

MB: Or an invisible "net" at the level of the upper level.

WG: maybe odo's warnings against promenade dangling weren't about loitering, but because the railings are super dangerous

MB: Aw, now I feel bad for ragging on him about his Promenade dangler harassing.

WG: right? it turns out he was like the salt guy from home alone

MB: Aw, salt guy.

MB: I wish O'Brien would have given his countdown a sassy title.

WG: what is the title?

MB: There isn't one. It's just an unnamed timer.

MB: If I'm possessed and Evil MB gives you tasks to complete with a time limit, make yours something fun or exciting.

WG: Evil MB's Countdown That Is Making Me More Anxious Than Playing Europe Ticket to Ride and Getting a Stockholm Ticket

WG: (TM) Donna Noble

MB: Nice

MB: Also nice: Whichever of my neighbors is burning wood, because the smell is coming in my window and it's great.

MB: Wouldn't it be great if Dax's overachiever syndrome would end up getting Keiko killed

MB: "O'Brien's been acting super-suspicious for days and now there are all these anomalies that he's talking off as no big deal. Nope, no reason to question that!"

MB: Oh no, Evil Keiko is pulling Molly's hair when she's brushing it! Dastardly!

MB: Aw hell no, O'Brien, you are NOT putting this on Rom.

WG: what's the staff meeting after the events of this episode like?

WG: "um, so, it took us a really long time to figure out that someone was reconfiguring everything on the station"

WG: "like, a really, really long time"

MB: "Action items: Maybe stop allowing sabotage under our noses."

WG: "and someone was asking the computer about knocking people unconscious"

MB: "Also, maybe update computer filters to flag activity that suggests someone is trying to murder and/or incapacitate their spouse."

MB: Hahaha yes!

MB: See, you and I both notice this. Why does no one else?

MB: I mean, because we're evil, obvs. But still.

WG: well, it's good to know the NSA or whatever eventually gets shut down

MB: Yes, that's reassuring.

WG: or still exists, and keeps listening, but just stopped doing anything about it?

MB: Mostly they just pass popcorn around for the juicy stuff.

MB: And that's why you don't go spelunking in fire caves on Bajor, Keiko. That's how you get Pah-wraiths.

WG: guess who the next DS9 character will be to be possessed by a pah-wraith?

WG: because it's someone.

MB: Molly?

MB: Unborn baby O'Brien?

WG: no

MB: One of Keiko's plants?

WG: no

MB: Dang, I hoped it was another O'Brien family possession.

WG: i think the o'briens don't get possessed anymore

MB: That is both disappointing and reassuring.

MB: Hrm... Who would be poking around Bajor... Kira?

WG: kira gets possessed, but not by a pah-wraith

WG: she is also a total badass when possessed

WG: like, even more than usual

MB: Oooooooh extra-badass Kira I am looking forward to.

MB: I hope "Odo gets knocked out" turns into a thing.

MB: "Did you enjoy your birthday?" should be our secret code for "Is the person with you secretly possessed?"

MB: All these close-ups are making it obvious that Colm Meaney has kind of a tiny mouth.

MB: For once, the lack of breakers on the consoles are actually a good thing! Never thought I'd live to see the day.

MB: However, at this point, I am disappointed that Starfleet doesn't have procedures in place for people to communicate that someone has been possessed. It happens... kind of a lot.

WG: true

WG: i'm a bit disappointed that evil keiko loses this one

MB: I was rooting for Evil Keiko, too.

WG: right? you kind of want her to win

MB: As per usual, I want Quark's jacket.

MB: Tons of butter instead of syrup on your pancakes: Rom, you are a man after my own heart.

MB: Does this count as resetting the "days since kidnapping" counter? I feel like it does.

WG: i think so

Star Trek Rewatch, Session 97:

WG: in this ep, ds9 gets serious. enough of this holodeck/debergeracking. it's going to get real.

MB: "I had no idea my paper would turn the entire conference upside-down." What Bashir actually meant is that one old dude made a "harumph" noise.

WG: there was a lot of side-eye at the first break coffee table

WG: four people took a danish while giving him a disapproving glance

MB: Really, they were just disappointed Bashir didn't flirt with anyone at the buffet table at all, let alone a taboo lover. (They'd heard rumors about DS9 buffet tables from someone who was there when Dax's old wife came to visit.)

WG: it was like a regency ball, but in the future. and a conference.

WG: although about 50 attendees went missing, in what we assume are shuttle accidents/kidnappings

WG: maybe people being wrongfully imprisoned by other governments

WG: it's hard to tell

MB: Hahahaha yes! The only question is, did they overbook the conference assuming that people would disappear on the way there?

MB: "They seemed polite enough to me." Jake is not falling for your self-aggrandizing bullshit, Bashir.

MB: Speaking of side-eye, Jake is giving Bashir some right now.

WG: the syntax of that sentence.

WG: just, yeah. leaving it there.

MB: Are we doing "phrasing" again yet?

MB: Or are we still trying to make "said Ripley to the android Bishop" a thing

MB: "Aren't you going to take any notes?" "Good idea." CUT TO: Jake's PADD, which is nothing but games of tic-tac-toe with himself. (He is winning! Good job Jake!)

WG: he's gotten really good at minesweeper

MB: Jake. Jake, why would you have proposed a profile of Bashir. You have met the man. You have known him for years.

MB: "I'm actually rooting for a plague." At this point in the episode, Jake, so are we all.

WG: um, you could write the story about how he cured that plague

WG: or whatever, stopped it from spreading to babies

MB: That plague is old space news. They need new, fresh space news. Like who Odo's let get kidnapped off the station THIS week.

WG: the enterprise: where is it now?

MB: CUT TO: Enterprise-D plowing into a planet.

WG: hot new tips for skirt length on bajor

MB: Oh my god, they never did follow up on that, did they.

MB: ... Wait, was skirt length a thing they actually talked about, or was it something we made a joke about. I can't even remember.

WG: it was both.

WG: an admiral's guide to canapes

MB: Oh my god, yes! Go profile Nechayev, Jake. So much more interesting than Bashir.

WG: five ways to tell that you're trapped in a sentient holographic simulation

MB: You won't believe this mind-blowing list of poorly planned and ultimately disastrous Gamma Quadrant excursions

WG: i'm pitching gold here.

MB: ngl I would read every single one of those

MB: "You're too young to die, Jake!" "That's not what that mind-vampire cougar told me last season."

WG: hahahaha

MB: "The Chief asked me to come up with a decaffeinated raktajino for Kira." Oh, great, so now he's policing what she puts in her body. Just when I think I can't get any more sick of this story arc.

WG: i can't recall if there are any more doozies in store for you, but... probably.

MB: "Excuse me. Keiko had Molly." "It's not up to you to tell Kira what she can and cannot do." YESSSSS Kira and Dax, my ladies. Givin' me hope.

WG: kira's also his boss.

MB: "She is carrying his child, he should have some say." ... So, Dax, still wanna get it on with Mr. "I Own Your Body Now" Worf?

WG: he bought it with that giant leg of whatever he slammed on the dining room table

MB: Bwahahaha

MB: I like that Sisko walks in and sighs all dramatically, obviously prompting them to ask him what's wrong.

WG: he was just sighing at people not working around here.

WG: nothing to do with jake. that's been handled by space olivia pope.

MB: Look, Kira's pregnancy isn't going to manage itself. We need the male senior staff standing around and dictating what she should do with her body.

WG: he also heard the convo and was like "chief, worf, you're grounded"

WG: "and you're both attending a webinar titled 'you're being ridiculous'"

MB: omg the best cackle at that, the best ever

WG: "mr worf is very familiar with this webinar. he's attended 9 times this. year. alone."

MB: Can I please send so many people to that webinar

MB: I enjoy that Worf immediately rattles off details about this battle Bashir and Jake are about to wade into. I like to think that he follows a bunch of Klingons on Space Twitter to keep in touch.

MB: "We can't leave the runabout in orbit. God forbid we have a way off this planet or access to the equipment on the ship."

WG: the planet attack does at least finally answer my question as to whether they'd have shields for cities, like in stargate atlantis

WG: and the answer is yes, and also like stargate atlantis, they only work sometimes. but when they work, they work.

WG: we never hear about these city shields ever again

MB: "Jake, things could get a little rough down there." Do we not remember that he was at Wolf 359? Is that a thing we are not remembering now?

WG: "they only have hardee's"

WG: "the shipper has requested a signature for an item that costs only $15"

MB: "There's no Banana Republic, only Old Navy."

MB: ... Old Space Navy? Old Starfleet?

WG: really old navy?

MB: Yes perfect thank you

MB: Whoever wrote this episode really wanted to write for ER and is still so bitter about it

MB: There are people literally dying up against walls, and the only advice Bashir has for Jake is to stay out of the way? Not, like, "apply pressure to some bleeding people"?

WG: battle triage bashir is a... a good bashir.

MB: "Give me a hand" followed by "I've got to get some plasma for this guy" is pretty ominous. Like, "Say, buddy, how much blood can I take out of someone of your species before you lose consciousness?"

WG: donating plasma takes forever

MB: I'm sure they have fancy future machines.

WG: and watch out vegans, they're coming after you because your plasma isn't ruined with animal fats

WG: beam the plasma out of him?

MB: Oh, no, I was mistaken. This writer didn't want to write for ER, he wanted to write for M*A*S*H.

WG: all i know is hawkeye, and that's only because of community

MB: What were you watching when you were home sick as a kid if it wasn't M*A*S*H?

WG: the price is right

MB: It was, like, the holy trinity of M*A*S*H, The A-Team, and The Price Is Right

MB: Okay there you go

WG: days of our lives

WG: taped-from-TV VHS tapes of "seabert the seal"

WG: and arthur. and wishbone.

MB: "He's dead." How the hell do you know that, child with apparently no medical training?

MB: I like that they're putting house arrest ankle bracelets on the corpses. It shows they have their priorities straight in case of a zombie uprising. You'll never be surprised by a zombie if you can track them remotely.

WG: they had to do something in the future with all those apple watches no one wanted

MB: "The only permanent damage is to my pride." Just don't ask what part of his body Odo considers his pride.

MB: I feel you, Odo. I've totally jumped off the Aldor elevator in Shattrath forgetting I wasn't on my Druid.

MB: "It seems just yesterday Jake was five years old... and *I* was the one dragging him to warzones."

MB: "And I'd think to myself that no matter what, I wasn't going to let anything bad happen to this child." CUT TO: Footage from Wolf 359, where Sisko brought his wife and son into a battle against the most vicious and implacable enemy the Federation has ever known.

WG: ... dooooon't cryyy outttt louuuuuuudddd!

WG: just keep it inside. learn how to hide your feelings.

MB: "I never realized how stressful it is to be a parent. Mine just dumped me into the void of space as a baby."

MB: I got Anne McCaffrey read to me as a child. It was a good choice.

MB: And by "good choice" I mean "Mom read me one book when I was seven, and I then devoured the dozen others from that series, followed by the piles and piles and piles of other books she wrote, until probably my mid to late teens."

WG: i don't think jake ever gets to hang out with bashir again

WG: and we all. know. why.

MB: Protip for my friends: Do not let me take your children to a conference, or this is what will happen to them.

MB: "There's only one explanation for my actions: I am a teenager with no experience, no training, and no official responsibilities related to this battle, who had an entirely reasonable reaction to a potentially deadly situation, and then did my best to help others once I'd calmed down."

WG: write it out, jake. internal monologue it.

WG: everyone at the new new yorker is really going to love this piece.

MB: Oh yeah, the space bourgeoisie are gonna eat it up.

MB: "In 10 years, nobody's gonna remember what anybody did here." He's totally right, y'all.

MB: Unless that article wins a Space Pulitzer.

MB: "Something's eating at you. I can see it." CAMERA PANS TO: Weird space thing eating Jake.

MB: Sure could use a counselor on this settlement right about now.

WG: all they have is web therapy

MB: I don't know what that is but it sounds like fun.

MB: Unless "web" means "online."

WG: it's a new treatment modality.

MB: I am imagining literal physical webs here.

MB: Like a fun rope climbing course.

MB: These guards are horrible shots. No wonder the Klingons are running all over everyone.

WG: also, auto phaser balls that just keep shooting

MB: Ugh, this is The Phantom Menace all over again. The randomly firing kid saves the day.

MB: "You're a hero!" I hope Jake responds with "I'm a fraud!" and runs off crying.

WG: he does, basically.

MB: At this point I am gonna say that Sisko failed the hell out of his son by not teaching him these lessons before now.

WG: i don't see how the federation still has people shooting weapons. there's... a drone for that...

WG: oooh the cardassians had that phaser ball

WG: from when the station turned evil

MB: Yes, where are the phaser balls? It's a question I ask myself often.

WG: roll it in, it phasers up everything, and bam, done.

MB: You'll save on benefits payments to enlisted members of Starfleet, too.