peace

dad texted him today. i don't know what to say. I am so done i just want it all to end.

so we took a break. we left things saying he might come back, he might not. i know i say that choose those who never leave you rather than those you come back. but i know, he didn't want to leave. the reason why i love him is because he cares too much about too many people. he cares as deeply as i care. we care about different things and different people but we both care just as intensely and maybe we are meant to be apart. i dont know what's gonna happen. but i just have to make it through tomorrow. like i made it through today. and then one more tomorrow. one day at a time.

i miss my grandmother. sometimes i feel guilty for missing her and not my grandfather but at the same time, he was more like me than she was. she was caring and concerned and protective. much like my dad. she could also be manipulative and political amd attention seeking I guess but i never saw that side of her. i remember her much more than my grandfather. maybe people will also forget me similarly. i miss that whenever i watched TV, she used to be there, watching the same shows. Maybe not understanding, but watching. Watching over me. She loved me so much. Its sad that she's gone. Dad has changed a lot since she's gone. So has mom. and mom has changed for the worse. i wish my mom and dad would have gotten a divorce way back then. They would have been happier and so would have we. But i guess they are matched for each other now. toxicity for toxicity. They are what they each deserve. i just wish the rest of us didn't have to suffer because of that. i honestly don't know what is going to happen with Darshak but if my grandmother would have met him, she would have liked him. he's a nice boy. a nice person. a good human being. and that's all one can hope for nowadays. eh, what can you say. some people care more about their social status and money than actual humam beings and sometimes you just have to make peace with that.

he called. i heard his voice after so long and my eyes filled up with tears. i camt tell you the joy i felt. his voice. his ethereal voice , directed at me. talking to me. his soft way of saying "okay" everything about the 10 sec conversation. my heart knows no bounds. i love him so much. i belong with him. within him. i am his. he shall always has this hold over me. the way the world goes quiet. the bliss. the solace. he is my home. my peace. and no one shall ever come even close to the love I have for him.

so i guess its been officially more than 10 days since i talked to him. to say i miss him is an understatement. to say i miss my home, my room, is an understatement. i came back to my city with my brother diagnosed with dengue and my parents out of town for a couple of days to "watch a movie"; if that makes any sense. i got an excuse to return to my room, meet aishu and all the memories came flooding back. how much of a safe space my room is for me. how much of a solace it gives me. what they took away from me. i wanted to rant to him about how my brother is sick and suffering and they dont care. they just up and about left him to suffer alone to fucking watch a movie. i wanted to talk to neha about it but i can't because she's home dealing with her own problems. so i guess here i am. my brother has not been able to eat for 4 straight days. he has been constantly hooked on to iv and they just left?!? these are the parents whose approval he wants??? i dont know what to do. i am just so done..