Alone in Space

Living with depression isn’t a joke. It isn’t “oh I’m so depressed because I feel sad” it’s living with a dark numbness, it’s thoughts of isolation, it’s laying awake at night because you don’t have the energy to fight your thoughts. It’s crying silently, staring at the ceiling because you feel so pathetic.

It’s having no energy, no motivation, having no drive. It is carrying on through your day like you are no longer in control. It’s doing what you normally do but in a dark daze. Nothing goes in, nothing comes out. All there is is distressing thoughts, thoughts of paranoia, thoughts of worthlessness. It’s being petrified to tell people what you are feeling because you are afraid of their rejection or afraid they will think you are weak and pretending.

Depression is and always will be a joke to some people. It won’t change. It’s not a joke to me. It’s serious, it isolates you from people you once called friends, it fills you with distressing thoughts that people are talking about you, it is a niggling paranoia that makes you think people hate you; that people are out to hurt you emotionally and physically.

This is an illness with no definitive answer. It’s me reaching for my mums hand because you feel so alone, you feel lost, it hurts so much but you don’t really know what the horrible feeling you’re feeling is. You want to get better, you want to love yourself, I want to feel “happiness” but I am struggling.

It’s feeling exhausted but not able to sleep. There is no peace. Your thoughts are constantly belittling you, and they are still there when you prove them wrong. It’s being so drained out that you just want to feel anything but paralysing numbness. You suppress the bad thoughts, but the feeling doesn’t go it’s there, you are just so numb to the pain it causes you don’t feel anything. You put on an act so people don’t notice the dip you are stuck in. It’s wanting help, but not wanting pity.

Depression is not pretty, it’s not eating or sleeping for days. Depression is not a bunch of supportive friends surrounding you no matter what; it’s shaking at the thought of talking or being near to people. It’s wanting to be alone, but not feeling lonely. It’s wanting to be strong, but not isolated.

So F*** you those people who think being depressed makes you seem edgy or cool. Being depressed strips you down to the bone and makes you feel like you are paralysed in your own overwhelming despair. I am burnt out, isolated and I just want to feel.