.-~*wish i could see it all

there are gods, there are kings,

                                                                                                    pretty sure i’m the same thing.

warning: some may be nsfw

❝ begone, thot. ❞

❝ OWO what’s this??? ❞

❝ i’m an adult virgin. ❞

❝ OOF OW MY BONES HURT. ❞

❝ welcome to my twisted mind. ❞

❝ i bless the rains down in africa. ❞

❝ why would you say something so controversial yet so brave? ❞

❝ THEN PERISH. ❞

❝ can i get uhhhhhhhh…. boneless pizza? ❞

❝ he’ll slip and slide on this banana peel! ❞

❝ i diagnose you with gay. ❞

❝ ball is life. ❞

❝ alexa, play ‘despacito’. ❞

❝ …..it’s free real estate. ❞

❝ coming out of my cage and i’ve been doing just fine. ❞

❝ why are you booing me? i’m right. ❞

❝ he protecc, but he also attac. ❞

❝ hi, welcome to chili’s. ❞

❝ ___ has been dead for ___ slutty, slutty years. ❞

❝ anyway, here’s ‘wonderwall’. ❞

❝ mmmmmm steamed clams! ❞

❝ i won’t hesitate, bITCH! ❞

❝ pretzels is the same. ❞

❝ WHAT ARE THOOOOOOSE? ❞

❝ i wanna be a cowboy, baby! ❞

❝ FUCK yo chicken strips! ❞

❝ all according to keikaku (keikaku means plan). ❞

❝ i’d sell you to satan for one corn chip. ❞

❝ move, i’m gay. ❞

❝ it’s true, but he shouldn’t say it. ❞

❝ i never went to oovoo javer. ❞

❝ kachow! ❞

❝ guess i’ll die. ❞

❝ oh, you haven’t heard?? ❞

❝ chipotle is my life. ❞

❝ YOU ARE ALREADY DEAD. ❞

pssst hey go vote in this poll for my new bill url if you haven’t already

❛ and the worst part is, i don’t even have my holy water! ❜ 

❛ you escaped the clutches of yet another demon. ❜ 

❛ there may very well be a hot dog vendor in chicago who is a bigfoot. ❜     

❛ demons, you cowards! ❜ 

❛ this is like satan’s cement butt hole. ❜ 

❛ i think your douche meter is usually half mast but right now it’s about three quarters full. ❜ 

❛ i think a moon having a boner is about as realistic as ghosts. ❜ 

❛ well the only way to really provoke them is to provoke them! ❜     

❛ i think the ground is cleaner than this couch. ❜ 

❛ holy shit, it’s a jacuzzi tub! ❜ 

❛ i stole them off a woman who died on the titanic! ❜ 

❛ no, no, no, you’re going to scare the ghosts away. ❜ 

❛ if i see people taller than me, i get concerned about them because i think they’re gonna die. . young. ❜ 

❛ jesus christ, do you always have to insult the ghosts at the place we’re at? ❜ 

❛ if george clooney was on the tonight show and you set him on fire, one of his feet would burn and the other one would probably still be planted there on the floor in a very nice shoe — clooney’s flammable. ❜ 

❛ i’ve always gotta’ think about stuff, y’know? like this mannequin in this tub, what’s he doing here? ❜ 

❛ hey demons, it’s me, ya’ boy. ❜ 

❛ it is a very old piece of footage, but so is die hard — still good. ❜ 

❛ so it was aliens? they showed up, gave ‘em ipads, gave ‘em a zune, built the pyramids, left, and that’s it? ❜ 

❛ stop telling the ghosts to follow me home. ❜ 

❛ oh so you’re going to make me sit in the shitty chair? ❜ 

❛ this guy has been inhaling too many cat shit fumes. ❜     

❛ i took an improv comedy class once, ‘cause i’m a white guy. ❜ 

❛ i just got startled by a disco ball. ❜ 

❛ maybe this ghost just loves to blaze it. ❜ 

❛ just, to be fair, fuck christopher columbus. ❜ 

❛ i’m not doing this because i want to steal, i‘m doing this because i want to give the ghosts significant reason to haunt me. ❜ 

❛ hey ghouls! the boys are here. ❜ 

❛ i think everyone needs a hobby, and if you don’t have one, that’s when you’re probably gonna start killing people. ❜ 

❛ i wasn’t fat-shaming bigfoot! ❜         

❛ this is what happens when people are passive aggressive full-time. ❜ 

❛ ghost 101: one, knock book off shelf. week two, hold a candlestick in the middle of a hallway. three…sheets. ❜ 

❛ it looks like one of the conjuring films. ❜ 

❛ anytime you get uneasy, that’s me! ❜ 

❛ if there were a town full of me in the puritan times, we’d have landed on the moon in 1790. ❜ 

❛ we’re just two guys sitting in a tub. ❜ 

❛ demons! you’re not trying hard enough — plunge us into darkness! ❜     

❛ you gotta’ fuckin’ calm down, man. ❜ 

❛ why is it someone who chokes on a peanut doesn’t get a ghost? ❜ 

❛ i think it’s a little bit more fun to believe that humans are capable of some truly horrific things. ❜ 

❛ i’m exposing my cranium to you. ❜     

❛ there’s a good chance tonight is the night you see me die on camera. ❜ 

❛ shadows do tend to follow you though, that’s how they work. ❜ 

❛ this is gonna get a little morbid, but who’s to say that a burning body doesn’t smell like barbecue? ❜ 

❛ i didn’t even get to do all the things on my bucket list. ❜ 

❛ i don’t wanna be a ghost hunter, this is all bullshit! ❜ 

❛ you keep tricking me into talking to them, you fuckin’ dickhead! ❜ 

❛ spooky, huh? ❜ 

❛ is it very european to — to burst into flames? ❜ 

❛ and i guess this is where we’re fuckin’ sleeping because we’re idiots. ❜ 

❛on a scale of one to ten… how illegal do you think doing this is?❜

❛okay, but, consider this: i don’t care. i’m gonna do it.❜

❛there are certain moments where i consider you someone with brilliant ideas and a good future. this is not one of those moments.❜

❛how hard is it to do a wheelie on a motorcycle? how many feet can you go, doing a wheelie, without crashing?❜

❛it’s three in the morning and i’m bored and you’re the only one awake. let’s break into a gas station store.❜

❛WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT FILL UP A “SUPER BIG GULP” CUP WITH 5 HOUR ENERGY AND CHUG THE WHOLE THING. MY HEART HAS EITHER STOPPED COMPLETELY OR IS BEATING SO FAST THAT I CAN’T FEEL MY OWN PULSE.❜

❛is it a bad idea to use mountain dew instead of milk in your cereal?❜

❛i heard if you suck up enough helium, your voice starts to sound really squeaky… wanna go buy some balloons?❜

❛can you cook bacon with a hair straightener? asking for a friend.❜

❛yes, i did beat him up and i will not apologize.❜

❛complaining helps the situation, like, not at all.❜

“Man you’re awkward. I mean, ridiculously beautiful but damn, grow into yourself.”

“What the ever-loving heckin’ heck are you eating now?”

“Excuse me sir, you can’t read.”

“You really have that ‘I don’t know how I fit into the world’ vibe about you.”

“That’s not polite.”

“You don’t even rise until you’re addressed. I’m digging your obedience.”

“Sit like a gentleman.”

“That’s not yours, friend.”

“That’s right. Listen to me and pretend to have an idea of what I’m talking about. I get that a lot.”

“I didn’t pay all this money for you not to be a cuddler.”

“Wanna go for a ride?”

“Show me your cop face.”

“I’m not a fan of you licking my teeth. Please don’t.”

“Okay; we’re done here.”

“Oh no, the postman! How ever will we survive now?!”

“You’re gonna be rude? Okay, you’ve lost the pleasure of my presence.”

“The piano isn’t evil, it’s just unpleasant to hear when I’m touching it.”

“Hey neighborhood watch, what’s going on with the town today?”

“We really don’t need to—oh we’re peeing in the garden now, that’s a thing.”

“I draw the line at shredding things.”

“What the heck is going on with your teeth?”

“No, you’re not helping.”

“We’ve all pooped. It’s your turn.”

“I’m not saying I don’t believe you, I’m just saying I don’t see anything.”

“I know you’re a blanket snatcher but you can’t snatch this blanket.”

“Oh, you want to help?”

“Leave him alone, he’s just trying to take a walk.”

“Right, right, defend your castle.”

“I wish I looked that beautiful having no idea what’s going on.”

“How do you get one?”