Queer Ramblings

Most the time I feel totally numb to the idea of my body. To transition or not to transition, either way I can’t connect because I don’t feel like myself in my appearance and can’t imagine ever feeling connected with how I look, but I know this is my body and I don’t know that with the idea of transition. But then I have these times like now where I’m really upset and bothered by how many times I’ve felt dysphoria and just dealt with being uncomfortable by trying to repress it, meanwhile months later being tired of trying to like anything with my appearance because of knowing the dysphoria and just trying to hide, having barely felt like anything of my style or body feels right to the extent of barely looking at myself or sharing photos of myself. I get so tired and sad of that repeated disappointment of not looking like the people I envy, and not even knowing what style aesthetic to draw inspiration with because I don’t know if it will feel right on me. So much of how I feel is numb, and right now I’m feeling very sad by that and wishing I could do something about it. I want to talk to a gender therapist for help in finding myself, but I can’t afford therapy right now. I need to get to that point where there’s someone I can talk to, where I can figure out what’s right for me, and where I can explore different styles and experiment. Lately I’ve just been baring with the dysphoria and obvious disconnect I have with myself, unsure what to do about it and bothered because it’s hard to connect with anything involving myself. Meanwhile with things outside of myself like my interests and hobbies or how other people look, it’s so easy for me to feel good about it, but it’s overwhelming and difficult if I try to think on gender and presentation and connect it to me. Then I’m left with the unsettling reality that I don’t feel connected or comfortable with myself, and can’t even begin to understand what’s right on my body and mind because everything feels wrong.

The idea of being a not totally binary trans guy who’s feminine and androgynous grows more and more as I find myself not being totally whole being nonbinary. I am not mentally well in so many ways and I let this hold me back in my gender so much because how could I feel whole if I’m in a mental hole? I can’t get therapy, my living situation is bad for my mental health, and I’m not building a better future for myself. I know it’s not the biggest concern of mine being closeted, not finding my true style or being the way I wish to look, and not knowing truthfully what my gender is, but I can’t help but feel that’s related to my horrible mental health. I didn’t feel like myself until a few years ago because my whole life was so controlled by the perception other people had of me, and me being an identical twin I was made ultra aware of the painful ways I was viewed by my view being doubled knowing people hardly see a difference between me and my twin. I never knew what it felt like for something to belong to me, always just being pushed into what others expected. I want to feel like myself, even if it doesn’t make sense to anyone, and I’m realizing so much of my life was spent either numb and pretending to be someone else disassociating or wishing I was a boy, that I could look like one, and being jealous of people who were trans. I repressed so much how I connected to trans men, being unable to see myself in them because of how much I internalized how unalike I am from men, feeling like I could never be one and I could never see myself as one, so I tried to like being a girl by being feminine when it never felt comfortable. I hated looking at myself then, and I felt like everything was an experiment with style, but I did it because I didn’t see tiny people like me being masculine which was associated with being tall and strong, I was none of that and I knew this because people would reinforce this idea on me all the time. Identifying as nonbinary was a way of freeing myself from the binary extremes that hurt me so badly, and admitting to myself that I never felt like a girl or wanted to be one. It was a way of acknowledging that there was another option for me, and it felt good, but I didn’t connect with it in the same way that I see other trans people feeling so euphoric about themselves, like that they’re right in who they are and found themselves. I still feel so lost and feel more and more dysphoric and disconnected like I did before I came out to myself. The neutral language has felt freeing in some ways, as in I don’t feel dysphoric with how I’m referred, but it still feels strange, and it doesn’t bring me peace like I wanted it too. In a way it feels confining, like I’m still that kid who wanted to be a boy but never felt I could be. It feels limiting rather than limitless. Idk, I’m still figuring it out, but I have felt so much more myself calling myself a boy and expressing my masculine side and masculine yearnings to those I’m close to. I’m so uncomfortable continuing to be in this place of not knowing what’s right for me and not feeling totally comfortable in my body and identity, but I do know everyday my understanding is expanding. Over the past year I’ve been thinking maybe I’m a nonbinary guy, like I want to be masculine and like a man but also feminine and free of expectations of men that I don’t want to be. I even consider if the nonbinary label is even important to me anymore, or if I more so see it as a way of expressing myself. I like so many masculine terms and they bring me so much euphoria, and I’m beginning to believe my connection to them. I want to try using he/they pronouns, and I’m starting to think I might be happy being called “son” and “brother” and may even want to replace the neutral language I use to refer to myself entirely. I still don’t feel binary, and maybe it’s me invalidating myself and holding back from just letting myself be a non conventional gender nonconforming unique kind of boy, or maybe I just really love exploring what being a nonbinary boy is. I don’t know but I want to

As a kid, my dysphoria was always prevalent, especially in middle school and High school, but I confused it for the desire to look more mature and womanly. I was a late bloomer, and the idea of being a sexy woman was appealing to me, but felt so impossible given how twig like and small my body was. I wore kids clothes for a long time and hated the style of girls clothes, but once I could wear women’s clothes I finally felt somewhat cute in what I wore. So it was easy to think then my struggle was not being feminine enough, yet within all that time I really wanted to be and dress like a boy, I just yet again didn’t think I could because my body was too small to pull it off. The idea of going back to the kids section to get boys clothes felt shameful to me after working so hard to get to a point of fitting in adult clothing. I started envying androgynous tall woman who could do both women’s clothes and men’s. Even in cosplay, I was interested in cosplaying boys but thought I’d look ugly if I did so I never tried it despite really wanting to. I entirely missed that my desire to look like boys but never acting on it was because of dysphoria stopping me because I didn’t feel I’d suit the look. It was easy to mistake the dysphoria for just wanting to look more mature since a lot of it was placed on how short and petite I am, so I also thought maybe cosplaying sexy women who also seemed impossible for me to cosplay would feel liberating, but instead I only cosplayed cute girls since that was all I knew how to do. I was interested in growing curvy because I thought I’d look more mature if I did, which I was desperate for. I was excited if my hips, chest, or butt grew, but not as excited as if I grew taller, and my chest growing started to get uncomfortable over time, and I hated my big thighs (I think I only liked my hips growing because it made my thighs look more proportionate/ slightly less big, my hips never grew big anyways). Meanwhile that whole time, what I really wanted was to be tall and androgynous. I watched trans fem YouTubers obsessively to try and validate that I was comfortable in my gender assigned at birth, watching them for advice on how to hyper feminize myself and look mature and pretty, like I was convinced I wanted. But I didn’t feel comfortable in hyperfemininity and wound up starting to dress androgynous anyways. I didn’t connect with the gender euphoric feeling of being a woman and being referred to as one that trans women described either. I started noticing how dysphoric it made me to be referred to as a girl all the time, and how fed up I was by my small dainty body that I didn’t know how to style like a boy. Everyone talks about how easy and accepted it is for women to dress gender nonconforming, but it wasn’t for me. My mother didn’t let me cut my hair until middle school and even then it took me till I was 19 to have the courage to try short short hair. I was so small that shopping for boys clothes actually felt dysphoria triggering to my biggest problem of being small. Despite my body not having curves, I didn’t feel androgynous and sexy, I felt like a little girl. So I tried to repress the dream of being a boy, since I didn’t see people like me being boys. But then I saw trans men and nonbinary people of my height do their things, and the desire to be a boy became harder to repress as the shame started to fade. I didn’t “not have dysphoria” as a little kid, in fact I thought about wishing to be a boy or wanting to get boys clothes all the time, it’s just my interest in feminine clothing came in result to the size dysphoria I had and still needing to explore gender fully.

I never knew I had dysphoria growing up, even though I spent so much of my upbringing hating how I looked. There was nothing wrong with the way I looked, I even looked pretty and cute, sure I was tiny, but guys liked small girls. The problem was inside I felt like a boy, and if I was small for a girl I felt tiny for a guy. I dreamed of being androgynous and tall, for my shoulders and arms to not be so skinny, and for my legs to be pencil shaped without such large thighs. I wanted my face to be sharp and angular, but instead it was round and baby-like, and I always looked a few years younger than I actually was. I thought I could never be a boy, so I let go of the fantasy. I let myself believe through social conditioning of my girl upbringing that how I felt was because I didn’t mature enough into a woman. I started thinking maybe I just needed to be more feminine. At the time I was watching a lot of trans women YouTubers, for some reason I was fascinated by them, and I began shaping my view of femininity and gender around them. I thought because I’m so hairy from my ethnicity, maybe that was what bothered me, and maybe from being so small, I wasn’t feeling euphoric about the way clothes fit me, so I tried getting clothes that would highlight my womanly curves and shaving in entirety. Those were the main things that made trans women dysphoric, and it was something I could relate to. I didn’t like how different I felt from everyone else, and at first it was nice being more feminine because I got more attention from everyone and didn’t get weird stares anymore. But it didn’t feel like me, and it didn’t fix the problems I felt. I still felt like I was different than everyone else, and I was starting to think in the back of my mind that maybe I was trans, something which I’d always think about but never knew I could be. I still repressed the thought a lot, thinking I should just be happy because I was finally starting to present in an aesthetic that made me happy. As time went on I started questioning my sexuality that I always knew to be some form of gay. I thought maybe I was lesbian, and it opened up a lot of gender feelings I had long repressed. I remembered wishing I could dress boyish, and feeling hopeless like I could never find clothes to fit me or I wouldn’t suit the style. I finally let that go for the sake of exploration and I was so happy! People were finally noticing my boyishness, sometimes even commenting on how strong and brave I am, or calling me dapper. I didn’t feel like I was any of those things, but it felt so good after hearing compliments of how beautiful and cute I was my whole life, which always felt uncomfortable. I still wasn’t dressing entirely boyish, but I had my oversized sweatshirts, hoodies, denim jackets, and beanies, and I felt the most myself I had ever been. Still, lesbian didn’t feel right. For one, I just wasn’t sure that matched my sexuality, and two, it felt odd identifying with the one thing that always made me uncomfortable, being a girl. I always tried to fit into that label because I was supposed to, but I eventually realized I couldn’t because I didn’t connect with girls in the way I did with guys and being called a girl, lady, or sister made me incredibly uncomfortable. I finally realized that the body struggles I had and the social struggles I had were all gender dysphoria, and yet I still thought for a long time that I was too feminine to fit under the trans umbrella. What I realized is that my femininity is conditioned to me. I wouldn’t be feminine if I knew there were other options for me. Femininity is all I’ve known growing up, despite always feeling like a boy, because I didn’t grow up into a pretty girl. I always felt ugly and tiny, unable to fit clothes, and I learned that masculine styles make me feel bad about myself, but it wasn’t for the reason I thought. It was because I couldn’t fit into masculine style the way I did feminine, and I still looked like a girl and that made me dysphoric. I’m nonbinary and now I dress androgynous, but I want to look like a boy really.

Lately I’ve been struggling with what I believe is dysphoria. My gender is feeling more solidified in masculinity, and I feel very nonbinary. I realized something that once felt uncomfortable was holding onto being recognizably feminine and “girlish”, and I’ve begun putting that to rest as I wish to not be associated in that binary way. I feel separate from my agab, wishing to distance myself from the perceived gender I once was. I feel hurt if I try to hold onto some connection I once had to the cis woman experience and identity, as it’s not connected to how I wish to be perceived and I’m not connected to it. I feel so confused about my dysphoria, but I the thought of looking like a cis woman makes me incredibly uncomfortable and anxious, even giving me a sense of dread because I don’t want to live my entire life looking like a girl. I want to have broad shoulders and an androgynous torso, and I want a wide jawline and toned cheekbones. I’m afraid of transitioning because I don’t know if I’ll be satisfied by it—what if I become to masculine and don’t look androgynous like I want to? There’s comfort in knowing how I look now, and it’s uncomfortable pursuing something that I’m not 100% sure of when I don’t even know how I’ll look. But I realize there are other trans masc people and men like me who like alternative ideas of masculinity that are more “soft,” or “dapper,” “feminine,” etc. You can transition and still partake in feminizing yourself just as cis men and trans fem people can. But I get confused because I don’t feel that knowing tell of feeling awful with the way I look. I can recognize dissatisfaction and feeling like I was supposed to be born androgynous, and I can see the lack of confidence in myself and portrayal of awkwardness when being stared at, but I feel such lack of assurance in who I am or where to go. I don’t know what that’s like to dislike my chest or wish I looked like a cis guy because I don’t recognize those feelings in myself, yet the discontent and weirdness I feel about my body do have me feel like maybe I would feel euphoric if I looked more masculine and just don’t know yet. I think another source of my anxiety over the idea of whether to transition or not to transition is in being nonbinary. My goal for transition would be to look androgynous in a masculine/male connected way, but I would not want to look entirely male. I don’t want facial hair or increase of body hair, and I don’t know how I’d feel if my voice became really masculine. I want to sound and look like a pretty boy. But then again by not transitioning I feel very uncomfortable in the sense where I know I’m always going to be perceived as feminine and girlish no matter how much I do to look like a boy. It feels limiting and dysphoria inducing. Sometimes I wonder if my uncertainty about transition is guided in internalized nonbinaryphobia, as a lingering fear in my mind tells me there’s no place for nonbinary people. I feel a compulsion to be male aligned or female aligned to fit into society better, even though I know I’m more neutral than I am anything else. Sigh, it’s confusing and I don’t know what to do, but maybe some day I’ll understand these thoughts better

I don’t know if what I’m feeling is dysphoria or dysmorphia. I’m 4’11” tall, very skinny and tiny with a small frame, tiny shoulders, wrists, hands, and feet, tiny chest, and I look much younger than I actually am, often being assumed to be 14-15 when I’m 18+ years old. I always wished my face looked less baby like, having more androgynous features like a broad jaw and less fat in my cheeks. I wished I’d be tall like an elf, or at least not so tiny, having long legs. And I wanted a wider frame to my body with broad shoulders muscle and less skinny of arms and wrists. I wanted bigger hands and feet. But I didn’t get those things and it makes me really sad sometimes. I try to avoid thinking about it, but I feel like even when I’m not thinking about it then I feel very awkward in the way I look. Then I think about how I’m trans and how It really just content with my body, but that maybe with so much left to be desired I could be more euphoric. I conformed to what I thought would be most flattering to my body because I was confused and thought I just felt ugly, so I tried to fox that by making myself look pretty. I wore tights and skin tight clothes that would make what little curves I have stand out, and I also tried the cute thing of wearing skirts dresses and pastels. I kind of hated both options, though I still do a little bit of both. I felt even more awkward. I never really gave myself a proper shot at dressing androgynously even though I knew it was what made me most comfortable, because I convinced myself I wouldn’t find anything that would fit my body (typically fitting into women’s XS and S and having difficulties with pants because of small hips with thighs that overextend my hips). For a little during puberty I liked the changes happening to me because I thought maybe then I could look my age, but instead I just wound up with nipples that I feel awkward with and need to hide and lots of body hair that makes me feel ultra hairy and like everyone’s staring at me. And a period which thankfully is very infrequent, which could be causing problems Idk but I’m afraid to tell my doctor because I hate having one. And people asking me if I’ve lost my virginity or am ever going to have kids. I hate the attention. I’m lucky in a way by being so small because it makes my chest dysphoria easier to deal with and it hasn’t caused me much issue because of that, but being so small is a big trigger for me dysphoria wise. I knew if I did T it wouldn’t help with my height, but maybe it would still help me stop feeling so small. The thing is I’m really just not sure if these things are gender related enough for me to be comfortable with getting even more body hair and facial hair, and I already have no idea what it would do to my voice and I don’t like that. But still, I wonder if I’d be happier like that all the time. I think a lot of my uncertainty lies in that I haven’t tried enough to feel it yet. Right now I still feel awkward. Sometimes I really like how I look, but never to a degree that’s euphoric and looks nonbinary to me. I feel like I need to try binding and different clothes, more short haircuts, and experiment more with names and pronouns because I’m just not seeing myself yet. I know I’m nonbinary, but I don’t know how much I am I guess. Sometimes I feel very trans, while other times I feel like I’m just a fem presenting enby, which honestly sucks because what I wear would come across more androgynous if I weren’t so feminine physically. I like the way I dress but I don’t like how feminine it makes me feel, I hate that it makes me feel like I look like a girl. I know everywhere I go I’m gonna be haunted by the dreaded “ma’am” “miss” “lady” “girl.”

I don’t want to transition, but if I had the option to look feminine and sexy when I’m all dressed up and then take off that look whenever I want for a more casual look and look masculine and like a boy, I absolutely would—Oh wait, I think what I want to be is a drag queen then! Time to start T and be like Gotmik lmao

I forgot some people genuinely refer to their chests as breasts or boobs… Now I remember how uncomfortable I was the first time someone mentioned me growing them… I don’t entirely have chest dysphoria, though referring to that area of my body as anything different than my chest makes me irk.

It is valid to consider/call yourself transmasc even if you don’t seek out transition options. Transmasculine simply describes someone who was assigned female at birth but doesn’t identify as female (or if you’re multi gender, identifies beyond your agab like bigender, demigender, or androgyny). It’s a broad group of people who may identify as male, nonbinary, Agender, genderqueer, gender-fluid, etc. Though some transmasculine people may seek out transition through hormones and surgery, others may not and it isn’t a necessary part of identifying as transmasculine. If you consider yourself transmasculine but don’t fit the stereotype, say you are anyways if the term is resonating. Don’t let the idea that there’s only one true way of being trans stop you from having confidence in your identity! Likewise, anyone who’s nonbinary spectrum can call themselves transgender even if they’re not taking/planning to take hormones or getting surgeries

Come on guys it’s 2022, we’ve acknowledged the fluidity of gender, normalized the use of they/them pronouns, become aware of dysphoria and trans related violence… Why are we still hearing people mock youth for being nonbinary? I thought we were done with the attack helicopter jokes but even if people are using different phrase’s it’s basically still the same thing. If you don’t support nonbinary, you don’t support transgender—you support assimilation, discrimination, and hegemony binaries. You support all of us or none of us