before i learned to wear heels and mascara. glossier brow gel and these sticky lip gloss that always catch my hair. i always feel boyish.
i always wanted to compete with boys. in 5th grade PE class
i ran faster than boys. i get better grades than boys. i debate with boys i left them speechless and and i felt proud. i beat boys. once i broke boyās tailbone at soccer. thereās something i wanted to prove badly.
mom told me my fatherās parents always wish for a grandson. & they were heartbroken in the waiting room when she delivered me. when they found out iām a granddaughter. they still love me to death. even tho iāve never been a sweet girl till recently. my grandma got me dresses (ugly) and bought me everything i want. now she doesnāt remember me bc the dementia. her mental illness flow in the blood of our family tree. in the root. to my father and then to mi (iām ok). iām not sad or mad that she canāt remember me. i canāt change that, like how she canāt change the fact that im not a boy. a grandson. iām a girl. technically im a woman now and im suppose to stop competing with boys. i need to let them win. i need to pretend im dumb. i need to surrender so i will be married eventually and have a son hopefully to make my / his family proud. to form a nuclear family as George Murdock proposed. i have to stop beating boys, i have to please them, i have to save them like virgin Mary. i have so many things to complete. i have to seduce them but deep down i want to break their bones. (fiction)
izzy806
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