⠀ ㅤ ⑅⠀ㅤ ⌣ ⠀ㅤ🐟 ⠀ ㅤ starfwish

se don ‘ t really have anything to say . se am getting help for finances and health now , but that ‘ s not actually helpful . se feel like se am rotting from the inside out . everything is empty , like this sheer drop from beach out to open ocean . even happiness is hollow , it all feels so pointless , to live as a human being

the　　sea　　is　　around　　you　　&　　in　　you .

i am having a crisis of faith

i hesitate with the word crisis because like. it’s not… i don’t know, scary? it’s this quiet degradation of my connection and love for eywa, for the concept of eywa’eveng, and feeling like a part of the great balance.

i don’t feel like a na’vi anymore. it’s not that i’m *not* a na’vi, it’s that i feel so hollowed out, i can’t be a na’vi anymore.

i don’t have the reefs, here or on eyweveng, i don’t see eywa here, and i’ll not be back on eyweveng until the body is dead. the people here don’t understand anything, i cant comprehend them either, we are intrinsically apart from each other, alone. i don’t have anyone here who believes the things i believe in the way i believe them. as much as i hate it, being here has shaped me in a radical way. to be more or less na’vi, or more or less objective, i’m not sure. it’s probably all of the above. i feel like everyone here is crazy. like, this society has deemed me insane for… what? being an animal, an alien, a shapeshifter? being beaten until i flinch for impacts that will not come? being neurodivergent? being incredibly emotional? being violent when immeasurable violence has been done to me? being religious? all of this seems like a reasonable reaction to being trapped on a hellscape of ecological deserts and billionaires and governments and capitalist medical systems. they cut down all the trees like they cut me down, cut off my ears and cut out my eyes and my tail. half metaphor, obviously.

i just… can’t believe that eywa is here spiritually, would say i came here willingly. like, i believe she has presence here, sure, she is anywhere a na’vi is, anywhere any of her children are. but why hasn’t she done anything? why hasn’t she helped me? she saved me from overdosing on my floor, yeah, but that’s not… i don’t know. why do i believe in a mother who will not take action in connecting me with beings who love me? doesn’t she love me? isn’t there anyone on this stupid fucking planet that loves me? i know she’s not jesus christ or allah or that human bullshit, i know that’s not how she works, i know she is not kind or loving like i am, like na’vi are, but i want her to be. i have wanted her to be for so long. but she can’t reach here, or she doesn’t want to, or this place is off limits, or she can only watch, and once again i am alone. i have been crying and screaming for so long, 22 fucking long years, and all she has given me is a sign that i am meant to be here. no comfort, or respite, or words of encouragement, or solidarity, or anything else adjacent. don’t my ancestors love me? doesn’t my ocean love me? doesn’t the great mother love me? just four people with my same birthday, one of them the same year and an hour ahead of me. i feel so… abandoned is the wrong word. she has not abandoned me here, that is clear, she just… can’t protect me here? i don’t know.

i don’t know why i am here. i don’t think i care. i want to go home, and she doesn’t want me to go there. she doesn’t want me to come home.

i remember when i watched the human version of us. it was the beings from my dreams, with the long braids on the top of their heads that connected them to everything. i cried, for so long, hiding in the bathroom. i forgot about it for a while, i don’t remember anything from after that period of our life. i remember the first time i saw my hands. i was so excited and confused. i couldn’t visualize it, it wasn’t in my head, our aphantasia had developed too far at that point. it was like dreaming awake, like a vision, not a hallucination but not quite imaginary. four fingers, aquamarine, over this water glowing with teal plankton. i started having dreams of the reefs again. i was always looking for something, someone was trying to talk to me, i was looking for a secret, things like that. the reef in my dreams at this time was silent, no animals, no plants, no na’vi, no sky, no beaches or sea walls, a liminal space i would swim through for hours, searching. it wasn’t scary, even though it probably sounds like it was from the outside. i was concerned at most in the dreams. it was like i was home, i was so close to something, but i couldn’t figure out what it was. i forgot about it for a while again, when i started high school. i was dave for ages, then neku for ages, and then i remembered everything and reconnected with being na’vi. my dreams about eyweveng started to have animals in them again, rivers, but they were now spoiled by constant fear. i couldn’t enjoy being in the sea. i would run there, to hide, and my nightmares would chase me. the rivers would lead to school hallways and the sand would lead to doctors offices and the eclipse would shadow everything in soot and maggots that bit, and then i was in the nightmares again. i still do this, now. i fly my tsurak to the beach, they shoot us down. i swim to the open ocean and i am pulled under by the current until i reach the bottom and i am in the house. i try to connect my queue to the spirit tree, if i have my queue at all, and it becomes a sensory and geometric nightmare worse than any of the other nightmares. the liminal ocean has become endless suburban houses. when i see a tulkun at the glowing ocean they are being slaughtered. when i see lortsyal and flowers they are being chemically burned and melted. when i am in the village it is being raided and everyone is afraid and angry.

i fear i have been too scarred by this life. i fear i am not enough for eywa, i am not a warrior anymore, and i am too bitter to be a healer, and i am alone here. and what do i have that tells me otherwise? global warming? these transformations that are few and far between, fleeting? humans fighting foolish wars? this government that is crooked and twisted and useless? these folk who have no value or kindness for any animal except themselves, who say animals are not people? there is nothing for me here, and i don’t care about some bullshit spiritual life path for me to help these people. they don’t deserve my help, i have been hurt too terribly by them, and i am reminded every day of why they do not deserve it. the other earth animals are doomed and i can’t fix it. the roads kill so many animals and i can’t help them, i can’t help the bugs being decimated by pesticides and heat, i can’t help the fish being suffocated, i can’t help the birds, i can’t help the trees, i can’t help the farm animals, i can’t do any of that. i’m stuck here all by myself, dying like the object humans have deemed me like the rest of the nonhumans. how can i help a people who deem me disposable?

when i was a kid i wanted to help everyone. make the world a better place. i don’t think i can get that back. i don’t think this world can be a better place, i really don’t. i think at most i can find folks i tolerate and keep to myself. i can keep my friends in my phone close to my heart until we inevitably grow apart and i am truly alone again, they are already dwindling. i can stay with my insystem partners until they all disappear, or i disappear first.

i am so shaken. i was ready to die, laying on my floor, i was at peace as my limbs went numb and i lost consciousness. i was so happy. i prayed, if i was meant to be here, she had to prove it to me. without a doubt, without question, she had to prove to me that my birth here wasn’t a mistake. and she did, she saved me and gave unquestionable signs, and i wish she hadn’t. i just want to go home. i was ready. and she doesn’t want me to end my life here, to be enveloped in her arms again, to feel the people and the ocean. i feel like she doesn’t want me, that she abandoned me. i feel betrayed. this bone deep bitterness, i am jaded into a stone, it feels like my chest is this hollow pit of coals. how could i ever feel another way? how could i not be so bitter and vicious, when all i have ever experienced here is pain and loss? all the types of abuse under the sun, physical ailments, mental illness, no contact with anyone outside my phone who cares, being shunned and ostracized, being unable to hold a job, or escape this house and city, being neglected and invalidated, and going into nature is withheld from me as being too much work, a burden to let me pray, a burden to let me have freedom.

eywa said, “in another life, maybe the universe will let me keep you.” that is so harsh, so cutting, i know it was said out of love, but all i feel is tired and angry. i want her to have me now. i want to feel her now, meoauniaea, kameie, i want to be connected. doesn’t she want to fight for me? doesnt she want to connect me with beings who care?

i don’t know. even as i am angry, crying every night since surviving and then being abused and neglected in that stupid fucking aurora mental hospital, i feel resigned. i thought maybe i could have peace. but i seem to have forgotten that peace is not something i am allowed here. this is one of the truths of the world, that beings like me don’t get to have a home, loved ones, don’t acclimate to life here, don’t get treated with love and kindness.

when i was in the hospital i would sing hymns, sing the songs from the movies. it didn’t bring me respite. i don’t want to sing anymore.

　🌊　　formlist

⠀ㅤ 𓇼 ⠀ㅤ fish ㅤ╱ㅤ payoang ㅤ╱ㅤ fwìli ╱ㅤ starfwish ㅤ、ㅤ adult

⠀ㅤ 𓇼 ⠀ㅤ pe ╱ㅤ piyä ㅤ╱ㅤ poi ㅤ╱ㅤ poiyä ㅤ╱ㅤ pa ㅤ ╱ㅤ payoä ㅤ╱ㅤ syu ╱ㅤ sum ㅤ╱ㅤ he ㅤ╱ㅤ her ㅤ╱ㅤ shi ╱ㅤ hir ╱ㅤ shy ╱ㅤ shyr ╱ㅤ se ╱ㅤ sea ╱ㅤ seastar ╱ㅤ star ╱ㅤ starfish ╱ㅤ fish ㅤ╱ㅤ shell

⠀ㅤ 𓇼 ⠀ㅤ reef ㅤ na’vi ㅤ、ㅤ pshifter ㅤ、ㅤ oceanic ㅤ polymorph ㅤ╱ㅤ median ㅤ system

⠀ㅤ 𓇼 ⠀ㅤjellyfish ㅤ nonhuman ㅤ、ㅤ whale ㅤ shark ㅤ zoanthrope ⠀ㅤ ☆ ⠀ㅤ form ㅤ list

⠀ㅤ 𓇼 ⠀ㅤ girlboy ㅤ transmascfem

⠀ㅤ 𓇼 ⠀ㅤ abrosexual ㅤ polyamorous ㅤ、ㅤ taken ㅤ x8

⠀ㅤ 𓇼 ⠀ㅤ osdd1a ㅤ、ㅤ cptsd

⠀ㅤ 𓇼 ⠀ㅤ fibromyalgia ㅤ、ㅤ pots

therapist wanted us to acknowledge whi were in a human body yesterday . it didn ‘ t help dat se lied about who se was , but da conversation went dere anyway so dere was no point . rejecting humans && humanity was da root of the problem we were talking about , da intense fear of being like normal people , of being what society deems as good . se ruined scy dinner in a haze , cried until se threw up , screamed at scy headmates who didn ‘ t understand dat se hated dem . one of scy headmates kept saying it was good , dat it was necessary , that seeing scyphozoaself as human was da correct path . se don ‘ t know how tu not feel betrayed && alienated .

been having bi — location shifts all day . it ‘ s not actually being somewhere else for some of dem , but for others it ‘ s like se am wif eywa , like scy daytime dreams awe in a pocket of her . it rained today , poured for an hour . se transformed with the rain , in trance walking in circles in a bi — location shift . scy tail kept whapping da cabinets . dis house has high ceilings , so height wasn ‘ t an issue . the dogs started barking at sea , and it startled sea back into a more human looking form . se went downstairs to be alone . se don ‘ t like da humans dat live here , dey ‘ re cruel && judgemental . se would like to go to da lake , swim for a while . feel da sand on scy feet . transformation would probably be both easier , && moar comfortable dere . even if se have to go with folks se don ‘ t like . it would be a better environment . se miss transforming at da beach .

se might start learning american sign language again . se never talked much on eywaveng , mostly used metkayina sign language . se prefer nonverbal communication these days too , but no one in scy life wants to accommodate . shrug . se might just make them deal with it , other headmates in the larger system can talk as they please . it would just make sea feel better about scyphozoaself , not talking aloud . se am kind of jealous of scy sysmates who are mute , if se was actually mute it would make this easier . bleh