Greetings my fellow oddballs

*Tom is still an asshole

Warnings: Depression, forcing people into physical therapy, hospitals and injuries, minor swearing, hating one’s own disability

Tom Ryder who didn’t cause the accident- it was a real accident.

Colt Seavers who continues to blame himself.

Tom Ryder who wants to follow the ambulance but is forced to finish the day’s filming. He would have left but Gail had told him to finish. He was contracted and even though what happened to Colt was horrible, they were still on a schedule.

Colt Seavers who was confused at why everyone was screaming. He couldn’t feel anything.

Tom Ryder who goes to the hospital and loudly asks for Colt’s status

Colt Seavers who is in and out of surgeries for weeks

Tom Ryder who stays all friggin night during the surgeries.

Colt Seavers who just wants to get out of hospital.

Tom Ryder who meets Ryland Grace and is shocked to learn his stuntman has a twin brother.

Colt Seavers who feels guilty about all the pain he’s put his brother through.

Tom Ryder who just doesn’t let Colt push him away in the weeks after.

Colt Seavers who pushes everyone including his family.

Tom Ryder who is is…well Tom Ryder, so he sweet talks his way into Colt’s room.

Colt Seavers who hates it so much. The guy didn’t even like him before and now he won’t leave Colt alone while he’s vulnerable.

Tom Ryder who organises and pays for the best physiotherapists, masseuses, acupuncturists to help Colt with his recovery.

Colt Seavers who refuses to engage. What’s the point in trying to wiggle his toes if he’ll never do stunt work again?

Tom Ryder who loses his shit when he finds out Colt has been stubbornly staying in bed and not engaging with any of the specialists. Does this asshole know how much money he’s wasting? How much time he’s adding to his recovery just because he’s being a pussy-bitch?

Colt Seavers who just doesn’t care.

Tom Ryder who flys from Japan to LA to give Colt a piece of his mind and force him into engaging with therapy.

Colt Seavers who tells him to piss off and mind his own goddamn business.

Tom Ryder who fights so much with Colt that orderlies and nurses have to split them up because of all the screaming.

Colt Seavers who is heaving so much from yelling after weeks of barely talking.

Tom Ryder who threatens to drag Colt out of bed himself if Colt doesn’t get out of bed to do physiotherapy and his other treatments.

Colt Seavers who wishes Tom would just piss off so he decided to do the therapies.

Tom Ryder who makes sure Colt is fitted with a proper wheelchair and accessibly aids without saying anything.

Colt Seavers who braces for Tom to make fun of him, but there are, in fact, limits to the actor’s assholery.

Tom Ryder who randomly goes to Colt’s apartment to see that the other man is keeping himself alive- Colt’s now engaing in therapy without…encouragement (Tom bullying him into it) but Tom doesn’t know if the stupid man is even feeding himself.

Colt Seavers who can’t cook because everything is not too high up.

Tom Ryder who calls people to rearraage the furniture so Colt can wheel himself around.

Colt Seavers who hates that he needs to change his physical space due to his disability.

Tom Ryder who realises Colt is in a really dark place and refuses to leave the man on his own for a week.

Colt Seavers who tries to get the younger man out of his apartment- he really should call the police. But he just can’t bring himself to. He just doesn’t care.

Tom Ryder who gives Colt the name of his own psychologist and quietly tells him that there are people who can help.

Colt Seavers who allows Tom Ryder to take him to the appointment.

Tom Ryder who can’t cook for shit but orders take out from semi-healthy restaurants.

Colt Seavers who slowly begins to feel better after a lot of psych appointments.

Tom Ryder who is on Colt’s back about just taking the damn pain meds if you’re in pain you idiot.

Colt Seavers who doesn’t want to get addicted to opioids.

Tom Ryder who decides Colt needs more people and calls Jody and Ryland behind Colt’s back, on his non-consenting behalf.

Colt Seavers who once he finds out, spends the next two weeks deliberately running over Tom’s feet with his wheelchair. He aims for the toes but a clip to the heels will sometimes has to do.

Tom Ryder who jumps and yelps every. damn. time.

Colt Seavers who slowly reconnects with his brother and his…Jody?

Tom Ryder who’s relieved that he can finally clock off being Colt’s babysitter.

Colt Seavers who…misses Tom Ryder? Then gets mad at himself for it.

Tom Ryder who once he leaves realises he also misses Colt Seavers even though the man is a pain in the ass and literally bruised both his ankles with the wheelchair.

Ok but like…Colt who in addition to his stunt agency also opens a Fall Guy Stunt School both for adults and kids.

It’s his pride and joy (second only to Jody).

He was lucky to find a place to put all of his ‘energy’ read: ADHD into. So he wants to help other kids who were like him (or just interested in stunts) channel the hyperactivity into skills that may help them in the future.

He’s big on safety- teaching all the necessary rolls, jumps, landings and ‘emergency exits’ to safely exit a stunt if it goes wrong.

The school is a blend of martial arts, parkour, tumbling and stuntman training.

The kids start off with foundations then go onto wirework, falls, how to craft stunts, even some pyro classes for older kids and adults.

He LOVES seeing kids improve. It’s always so exciting watching the joy on their faces when they learn a new skill. Colt loves the feeling that he helped someone else.

He loves all his kiddos-

The loud, energetic impulsive ones that he has to make sure don’t accidentally fall victim to their impulses and throw a skill before they really know the technique? He’s there, never berating them, just giving them advice on how breath through the impulses.

The super quiet ones that need to be absolutely sure of what they’re doing, the technique, how to get out if anything goes wrong? He’s there, explaining the biomechanics to them and showing them different ways to exit the skill, also taking the time to build them up to the skill if they’re really nervous.

The ones who are kinda in the middle? He doesn’t let those one’s go unnoticed either. He’s giving a mix of encouragement and making sure they don’t slip through the cracks just because they’re ‘easy’ to teach.

ALWAYS checks that a kid feels comfortable and ready to do or learn a new skill. He knows that not committing to a stunt or skill is the easiest way to injure yourself so he always checks.

Does his best to make the stunt gym welcoming and fun for all.

He encourages disabled people to come to classes as well, making accommodations for whatever they need. Everyone deserves to do the things they want.

This is for any type of disability too. Physical, intellectual, neurodivergent, sensory, any and all are welcome.

He will try to get in para-athletes to teach some classes too, wanting to show all his students that anyone can do incredible things with their bodies.

He will bring healthy snacks before class for the kids. He began doing this after he realised that some don’t eat for hours before class and he wants his kids to have adequate energy for training.

The gym itself is a really pleasant atmosphere. Neutral colours, plants here and there (out of the way of equipment), will have music on unless it’s too much for some students. Lots of natural lighting and non LED lights.

Will be open about his ADHD and how he sometimes uses a wheelchair. He doesn’t want anyone to be embarrassed about their brains or needing physical aids.

Teaches classes in the chair if he needs to.

Always tells kids not to throw stunts or skills outside of training. It’s dangerous.

Same with the martial arts side. It’s only for self-defence and the craft, not for assaulting people.

*Colt gets my chronic pain and grief about it sorry mate

**I don’t know anything about spine injuries so creative liberties were taken

His apartment is always set up for if he needs the wheelchair. Wide gaps between furniture and walls, making walkways accessible.

He has lots of essential things stored in the lower cabinets just in case, so he doesn’t have to worry about overstretching in the chair and hurting himself more.

Goes through periods of grieving everything he’s lost, then having periods of hope that he will get better, citing his progress as proof he’s getting there.

Sometimes after he’s had a long day of being in pain, people staring at him in the chair, losing then regaining his fine motor skills he just cries. Cries for the stupidity of his accident, cries for his disabilities, cries for what he’s lost. He’s just exhausted. He didn’t realise how much he had it easy before the accident. Sure, he had bruises, scrapes and enough muscle soreness for 4 men, but it was a different kind of pain. One that didn’t sap his energy all the damn time.

Even a year and a half after his accident he still gets shooting pains down his spine. Sometimes he’ll get pain in random areas such as his arms or feet.

The first thing he does each morning before he even gets out of bed is try to take stock of how his body feels. Some days he knows he’ll notice the pain less once he gets out of bed, but others it doesn’t go away or gets worse.

He still has shower and toileting aids for days where he can’t take care of himself standing up.

He notices how lifestyle choices such as eating lots of takeout, not doing physio, getting poor sleep, not drinking enough water can all influence his pain. He does his best to keep on top of everything but sometimes life just gets in the way and he pays the price.

Will sometimes randomly trip when he loses feeling in his feet, he always looks around to make sure no one saw.

Will sometimes lose or have reduced fine motor skills in his hands which honestly just piss him off out of inconveniance

Doesn’t happen often but will sometimes have nighttime accidents due to breaking his lower back which impacts the muscles around the bowel and bladder.

———Jody———

She always always always asks his permission before helping him in any way. Even if to her he looks like he needs help, sometimes he doesn’t and she does her best to respect his autonomy. He’s lost and regained so much that she can give him a choice of if he wants her to help.

She doesn’t mind helping him with washing himself or toileting, she does mind the embarrassment he feels because of it.

She tries to normalise it as much as possible. It’s just another thing she does to help him sometimes. Like him helping her with handiwork around the house, or with dinner.

Will always encourage him to do his physio exercises. She will usually workout next to him. As he gets better he’s able to do more training and eventually combine the exercises with his normal workouts.

Jody is always on his back to drink water. He forgets all the time. It’s the one thing health-wise that the man just cannot do.

She encourages him to be honest with her about how he’s feeling. Colt is already pretty emotionally intelligent but she just helps by encouraging him to tell her or journal or find some other outlet because what he’s dealing with is a lot.

Colt LOVES spending time with you. If you enjoy adventure activities he will take you out for the day to go on hikes or learn archery, ice skating, parkour, learning flips and gymnastics.

He’ll 100% teach you self defence- he’s trained in karate, muay thai, jiujitsu so you learn a lot of different methods.

He’s the one that convinces Ryland to let you do a sport Ryland thinks is unsafe- think acrobatics or gymnastics or martial arts or something else. He tells Ryland it will be good for you and cites himself as an example of how Karate was a good way to channel his hyperactivity (read: ADHD).

You go to him for advice on how to convince your dad to let you do something- sometimes he gives you great advice and other’s he gently tells you that whatever you want to do may not be a good idea.

He will always lift you up and spin you when you guys see each other for the first time in ages.

His house in LA is a loooot bigger than Ryland’s apartment in San Francisco and you have fun trying all the different machines.

He lets you climb on the furniture and you guys will make up obstacle courses from it and other household things.

He teaches you how to play guitar.

Will take you on set if Jody’s the director and show you how movie making works.

Dan explains how they create stunts and all the processes and things they need to do to make a stunt work

Jody les you sit next to the monitors and watch some scenes be filmed, in between takes and resets explaining things and why she made the choices she did. You wear the chunky headphones and everyone thinks you’re adorable

When you watch one of Colt’s stunts you’re equal parts amazed and horrified for his safety. Bro just jUmps oFf bUildings

You get excited about seeing some famous actors and actresses in person. Colt encourages you to say hi (if he knows the actor/actress is nice) and will introduce you sometimes.

You will sometimes stay in Jody’s trailer, people are really confused at first when a random kid just walks into the director’s trailer without a care in the world.

You’ll just flop on the couch and chill for a while, recharging

Jody is so sweet and kind to you. After a long day out with Colt she's there suggesting the three of you watch a movie or play a board game.

You always go to her for advice and comfort. She gives the warmest hugs and runs her fingers through your hair.

You will 100% fall asleep between them, staying up way longer than when you’re with your dad because it’s school holidays and they don’t mind.

Your head on Jody’s shoulder and legs over Colt’s lap.

They love to spoil you in any way- buying you things, getting you sweet treats, letting you stay up late. Ryland doesn’t mind your occasional pampering. You’re a good kid and deserve a shift from the intense school schedule.

You and Jody come up with fun story/film ideas, usually when you’re in the car together or washing up.

If she uses one of your ideas she sneaks you into the credits and you get so excited at the cinemas seeing you name at the end.

The three of you will watch movies together and just bicker about them the whole time. You’re complaining about how unrealistic the film is even with ‘movie logic’, Jody mentions the things she would change if she were to direct, Colt grumbles about how the actors were visibly pulling their punches and how obvious it is that they aren’t trained. Ryland can’t stand watching movies with the three of you…unless it’s a sci-fi and he's whining about the scientific inaccuracies. All other films he just can’t. You’re menaces. Absolute whinging movie menaces.

Warnings: Minor drug and alcohol consumption

1.1k words

Ryland’s hands could not stop moving. From tapping to rubbing the pads of his fingers together. He was scared. He knew deep down that they wouldn’t care and would be supportive but it wasn’t a mainstream sexuality so he knew he’d have to explain it and he didn’t want to stuff it up and make it sound like he was loveless or had something wrong with his libido (not that he’d EVER want to talk to his brother about something like that).

He loved so many things. His students, his family, science, his friends, the ocean, going for walks during a foggy morning, a good meal, getting lost in biology hypothesis and trying to make the plots in scifi films and books work. His life was so full of love. He loved people too, he just didn’t love them in a romantic way, nor was he sexually attracted to people.

He feels like a small part of him always knew that he was different from most. ADHD and autism would do that to a person, even outside of his neurodivergence, he knew the way he thought about people and relationships wasn’t the same as his peers. He’d never wanted to date in high school but had a great group of friends of all different genders- some friends didn’t even have a gender at all. And Ryland never once thought about dating one of them. In his early adulthood when he went to parties he was there to listen to music, meet new people, indulge in some alcohol and the occasional pill and chill out. He’d see others kissing or getting more intimate and would try to control the wince on his face and look away.

He’d known, he just hadn’t realised that it was normal, or that other people were like him. When he’d found the label it had felt relieving and freeing. He wasn’t obligated to ‘find love’. He could just exist as himself and enjoy all the other relationships he’d had. His friends, family, students. He wasn’t broken or damaged or wrong. He was just asexual and aromantic.

However now was the tricky part. He found this label that fit him perfectly and he wanted to tell his brother. Colt was the most important person in his life and hie wanted to share this with him. It was important to Ryland so he knew it would be important to Colt.

Colt was sitting across from Ryland at the park. They’d found a table with benches and sat with their drinks in front of them. Colt had been smiling, but the longer Ryland had kept quiet, Colt’s smile had slowly slipped into concern for his brother.

‘Ry, you ok? Is something bothering you?'

Ryland swallows. What if Colt thought there was something wrong with him? What if Colt was just completely invalidating, insisting he’d find the ‘right’ person eventually?

But it was Colt. Colt, who despite being popular at school had never once let Ryland be without company during recess and lunch, even cutting friendships if someone was mean to Ryland. Colt who’d supported Ryland after his blowup in Denmark, Colt who’d supported Ryland going onto Stratt’s Vat to help with Project Hail Mary. Colt who’d been with him when Ryland got diagnosed with autism and ADHD and advocated for Ryland to get his accommodations when Ryland couldn’t advocate himself. Even if Colt didn’t completely understand he’d try, he’d be supportive, right?

Ryland shifts on the bench. It’s hard as a rock and he can hear the kids running around at the playground nearby. He just decides to go for it. The words come out quickly, running into one another, sounding less like a sentance and more like a long, complicated word, kinda like the word for ‘fear of long words’.

Colt stares for a second, trying to process the words that came out of Ryland’s mouth, but the other man can’t discern any meaning from it.

‘Sorry, what was that, Ry? You kinda eminemed your way through that.'

Ryland takes a breath, faintly picking up the scent of grass and burgers from the family to their left eating an early lunch.

He says the words slower this time, feeling anxious at first and then a bit more confident by the end, the slowness of the words forcing his breath to slow down.

‘I’m um aromantic and asexual. I uhm I’m not really attracted to other people in a romantic way and sex with other people just doesn’t really interest me.’ Ryland glances up briefly to look at his twin. He can’t quite read the expression on Colt’s face but Ryland thinks his brother is just processing the mass of information Ryland said. Ryland coudn’t stand the silence his brother’s processing brought and maybe if Colt had more data to analyse and form his opinion he’d react quicker, so Ryland went on.

‘I uh know it’s probably really strange to you, because y’know, you’ve always been like, really good with like- y’know in college and stuff and-

‘Ry'

‘-now Jody and like yeah, but it’s a real thing y’know and finding-'

‘Ry'

‘-the label just made me feel really seen and understood, like I wasn’t broken y’know? Because I always thought I was broken but I’m not, I’m just like, not heterosexual, which, y’know is fine, lot’s of people these days aren’t heterosexual, so-'

‘-Ryland.'

It’s not his name being called that brings pause to his word vomit, but the hand that Colt puts over his own. Colt’s hand is a bit calloused and peppered with small scars from various training and stunts he’d done. It’s also warm and familiar. Ryland looks at his brother.

‘I’m happy you found ways to describe yourself. I never thought there was something wrong with you. Yeah, I don’t quite get it yet, it is different from my past relationships and Jody and I, but I wanna learn, ok? I want you to teach me about aromanticism and asexuality ok? You’re still you, and you’re still my pain-in-the-ass brother. This doesn’t change that.’

Colt looks Ryland directly in the eyes at the end, his annoying habit of using eye contact to signify truthfulness and sincerity burning Ryland’s retinas with the intensity, but at least he can tell his brother is being truthful. Ryland relaxes a bit, despite the sensory assault via eyes that mirror is own. Colt doesn’t care. Well, he does, but not in a negative sense. Colt still loved him and accepted him, even if he didn’t quite get it yet. Ryland smiles at Colt, relieved. His brother still loves him.

I really need to think of a title

It was a normal Wednesdy afternoon for you. PE then pack up then off to meet Ryland at his classroom. You traipse in with more energy than usual, starting to launch into a story about what happened in PE when you stop short.

‘Oh, ah…um hi.’ Theres a woman standing opposite Ryland’s desk. She’s about the same height as him, with long strawberry-blonde hair and an impassive face.

Ryland speaks before the lady can respond.

‘Oh, good, c’mon kid, let’s get home.’ He sidesteps the woman and hightails it out of the classroom faster than he’s ever done before. You’re confused but understand that he mustn’t want to talk to the woman, so you glance back at her then make your way out.

‘We cannot do this without you, Dr. Grace.’ The sentence makes your face scrunch up. Cultish much?

‘Who’s the lady?’ You ask once you’re out of earshot of the woman.

‘Uh, no one, lets just…let's go yeah? Don’t wanna miss the bus.'

‘It comes every 10 minutes though?'

‘Just, we have to go.’ You were a little worried now, was this lady gonna do something to Ryland? You glance over your shoulder but no one was there.

You both got on the muni and walked to the apartment but stopped short when you saw the same lady from the classroom standing there, this time with two suited agents? Guards? You weren’t sure.

‘Dr Grace. we need you on this project. The world needs you.'

‘You’re not gonna take “no” for an answer, are you?'

‘The world cannot afford it. Your expertise on microbiology will be invaluable.’ Huh? What was this? Ryland was a school teacher with a PhD, sure, but Save the world? The man who burnt pasta almost every time he cooked it?

Ryland sucks on his teeth and shifts closer to you.

‘What about bugalugs here? They have school and I’m not just gonna leave them. I’m a parent.’ Your heart swells and you smile. Ryland has been the best foster dad you've ever had and it makes you giddy that he won’t just up and leave just because someone is threatening him.

‘They are permitted to come as well, but will not be involved with any of the project. There will be people there to ensure your child is educated adequately while they miss school.'

You just look at Ryland. This woman seems to have had everything planned out.

‘Can I see some sort of badge? At least proof that you’re legit?'

The lady sighed then pulled out some documents, showing them to Ryland.

‘I can call the president to confirm if you’d like?’ Her tone was laced with something- amusement? Mocking? You weren’t too sure tone wasn’t one of your strongest suits. Ryland looked at you again then sighed.

‘Can we talk alone for a moment?'

‘Very well.’ The lady and men stood back and let you and Ryland into the apartment. The second the door shut Ryland turned to you.

‘Hey. I know this is a lot. I get it. If you don’t want to go then you don’t have to-'

‘No, I want to go with you. I... I wanna stay with you. I don’t care where we go. But what’s happening? Who are all those people and what’s “The Project?"'

Ryland exhails. ‘It’s about the Petrova line. They think I can help but I honestly don’t know what good I’ll be.'

Oh, the sun-eating-dot-thingys. That's why the woman was here.

You purse your litps in thought. ‘I really think you should help them. Lots of people could die if the sun-eating-dot-thingys keep eating the sun. And animals. And Plants. And like, everything. We should go so you can help. It’s the right thing to do.'

Ryland thinks about it for a bit. You’re right. If they really think he can help then he may as well try.

He nods and you both pack some of your belongings in a suitcase each. You wear mostly the same things each day anyway, so it isn’t too difficult to pack. Besides, you and Ryland had made packing lists before, so you dug one out of your bedside table and used it as a guide. The only thing you had trouble choosing were your books. You had so many that you loved, but you knew you couldn’t bring them all. You called Ryland in to help you choose and eventually chose 2 of your favourites.

Warnings: Ableist thoughts, panic attack

I just needed to get this out of my system lmao.

1.2k words

Colt’s leg wouldn’t stop bouncing. he tried to stop it, lasted about 2 seconds then it resumed again. Kinda proved the point as to why he was here in the first place. In his defence, he had been sitting in a quiet, bare waiting room for 10 minutes now. Jodi was beside him and gave him a smile while rubbing his arm.

‘Are you ok? It shouldn’t be too long now.'

‘Yeah, I’m fine, just, wish they’d hurry up y’know?'

Colt’s thoughts returned inward, almost against his will. He felt stupid for being here. He didn’t have a problem, he was just…lazy…and energetic…and a bit forgetful. A dichotomous combination, sure but who didn’t have opposing parts of their personality? Ryland was calm and awkward until you pissed him off enough about the right thing, then he goes apeshit, breaking shit or calling people names. So if Ryland could be like that then Colt could be lazy and energetic. Colt didn’t have ADHD. He knew it. He’d achieved things, done really well as a stuntman, had a solid relationship with Jodi, had a good relationship with his brothers, and had a healthy lifestyle. He was fine.

Only he knew he wasn’t. He struggled to sleep at night. His mind never able to stop going going going. His GP said it was anxiety but he didn’t think so and Jodi agreed with Colt’s opinion. He’d missed so many dates with Jodi and almost always needed her to repeat things when he just couldn’t pay attention to whatever she was saying. He always felt like an asshole when he did that. She was so important to him and he never wanted her to think that she was nothing less than the centre of his world…yet he would just zone out. Or if he wasn’t doing that then he’d be finishing her sentences for her.

Maybe it was just the sleep deprivation.

He was here for her. She’d gently brought it up one night after they’d tried to watch a movie and Colt just could not stop. getting up. To the bathroom, to get some water (they’d had water with them already), to stretch his legs. He found any and every reason to get up, so they’d abandoned the movie and sat in silence for a bit. Colt had apologised and then Jodi had brought up what she’d noticed then gently suggested he see someone.

His thoughts were snatched from him once again when a door shut and a woman with a blue blouse and brown hair walked out.

‘Colt Seavers?'

‘Uh, yeah thats me.’ She smiles and ushers him through. he gets up, glances at Jodi who gives him an encouraging smile and nod then he walks into the office.

-----

The session is…kinda boring if Colt’s being honest. She asks him questions, he answers them, feels a bit uncomfortable then they move on. About halfway through she brings up Colt’s school reports and he winces at all the comments. Some weren’t so bad, mentioning his ‘big heart’ and ‘curiosity’, but almost all of them mentioned his inability to sit still or pay attention to class discussions. This goes on for about an hour, then she gets him to sit in front of a laptop to complete a task. He does it, sure he’s clicking the buttons when he’s meant to, then he goes back to the couch.

It’s been over 2 hours, Colt can’t stop shifting in his seat. He’s never still for this long. Even on planes he gets up to move around, or has his favourite movies on standby to help time pass. He needs to get up and move. He thinks he’s sweating.

‘…Colt?’ His eyes snap to the psychologist’s.

‘hmm?'

‘I said I’m just going to take a few minutes to finalise everything then I’ll get you back in here to discuss things, ok?'

‘Uh yeah ok, sure.’ He gets up and exits, understanding a dismissal when he hears one. Jodi is in the waiting room at least, reading a book while she waits. She smiles at him and asks how it went. Colt tells her it was fine, if not boring and that they just need to wait a bit before they’re done. Jodi rests her head on his shoulder while they wait. Colt’s name is called again after a little while and he gets up. But this time when he looks back he asks Jodi to come in with him. She looks a bit startled, looking at the psychologist who just says it’s Colt’s choice. After a second she gets up and follows them into the room.

‘So, based on all the evidence I’ve gathered today, and your school records, I’m confident in saying that you meet the criteria for ADHD. Combined type, specifically. This means that you have traits of both inattention and hyperactivity and impulsivity. The severity level is marked as severe, and this is based on how many criteria you meet and the level of impact it has on your daily life.'

Panic attack start

Colt stays silent and just nods. He has a deficit and a disorder? Two for the price of one? Too little of one and too much of the other. Does that mean he’s doubly messed up? He feels the walls moving closer- is that possible? is he not actually in an office, but on set? He doesn’t remember getting on set. Is his throat tightening? His mouth feels dry. He needs some water. Why is his vision fuzzy? Ryland is the one with glasses, not Colt. Maybe he should get his vision tested.

He faintly smells cinnamon and vanilla. A scent he’s been waking up to for the past 3 years. It makes the walls go a bit further away and reduced the blurriness of his vision. He then sees a small hand nest to his thigh and he leans his leg closer to it, his body recognising home before his brain does. Then all of a sudden a hand is on his face, gently holding it and wiping tears he didn’t know were falling. He takes a deep breath and comes back to the present. Jodi is in front of him and the psychologist has a guilty look on her face.

End panic attack

He lets Jodi do the listening for the last bit of the session, then lets her guide him to the car. They sit in silence for a little while.

‘You know this changes nothing, right? You are still the amazing, kind, brilliant man I fell in love with. The ADHD diagnosis doesn’t change anything about you, it just gives us more information about you. It’s just like my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Doesn’t make me better or worse, just gives us an idea of how to navigate life so I can live as best as possible. Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder doesn’t change who you are. We can just use tools to make things easier, yeah?’

She ducks her head to try and look him in the eyes. He looks at her and gives a little smile, chewing on her words. She is right. Jodi is still her wonderful, creative self, they just understand how her brain works better and know to take medication, go to therapy and meditate regularly. Maybe it could be the same with ADHD. He didn’t know what he needed to change as he wasn’t listening for the last bit.

ps. your thoughts on proprioceptive stimming were so relatable, it really helped me word why i enjoy specific kinds of movements!!

First of all thank you for your message, I really appreciate it <3 I’m so glad my writing helps people out with their ND stuff!!

Second of all eeek I love that idea and don’t think it’s too similar (a lot of my writing is quite similar to each thing but eh it’s fun to write hehe) I can definitely give it a go, thanks for your request!!

Here you go:

Stratt notices that some of the things she does for you, such as checking menus before you have to go out to eat, having scripts for taking some time out during social events and the routines also just…settle her.

She’s never considered herself anxious but she finds the predictability comforting for her too. It eases her slightly, knowing that she already has a plan for what she will eat.

She notices that she herself will use the scripts to just excuse herself to recharge for a bit socially.

She sometimes catches herself absentmindedly taping her fingers, or circling them together. At first she just assumes it’s because she’s seen you do it so many times, and Stratt can sometimes unconsciously copies people’s mannerisms.

She will also rub her thighs when seated to help her think of if she’s frustrated- but everyone has their little ‘things’ right?

She absentmindedly will play with the sensory toys you leave around the house and then internally side-eye herself.

You come home one afternoon after your therapy session with a handout in your hand. You start explaining masking and how it works. The smiling to look nice, because your face sometimes unintentionally looks bored or angry, the mirroring of body language even when it serves no purpose, rehearsing what to say before you order food.

It hits her like a truck. Weren’t all of these things normal? Didn’t everyone do that anyway? Apparently not if your therapist gave you the handout.

You inevitably leave it on the kitchen table after you finish your homework, and while you read on the couch she takes a closer look at the handout.

Her tongue pushes to the roof of her mouth. She does a lot of the things on the handout- not all but a lot. She just thought everyone did them too. She knows this doesn’t mean that she’s autistic but it certainly explains her own behaviour to her.

Her advice to you about wearing similar things, having a ‘uniform’ of sorts so you know the texture and feel of the clothes she realises originates from her own experiences of simply wanting some stability of her sensory experience when in unfamiliar situations.

She begins to look at the different manifestations of autism and is further surprised. She’s known autistic people her whole life and not once did she think she herself was autistic,

She comes home one night exhausted from a day of demanding work, then socialising immediately after has used up any energy she had at the start of the day. She sits on the couch and looks at the weighted blanket you left lying around again. She stares at it for a while, as if it will speak to her, then slowly she grabs it, lies down on the couch, drapes an arm over her eyes and just rests.

She lies there for 2 hours before acknowledging she needs to go to bed. As she gets up she realises how much better she feels. Her body feels less tingly, and she dimmed the lights so the didn’t burn into her retinas. She folds the blanket and looks at it again, waiting for an answer it doesn’t give her.

You and her are sitting on the couch, she’s reading her favourite book series and you’re just playing with a stim toy and staring at your mum. She’s rubbing her thumb over the edge of her book and you just can’t help but to blurt

’You know you’re autistic, right?’

Your mum looks at you and hmms in response, clearly too engrossed in the book to have heard you.

‘Mama I think you’re autistic. Think about it, you like to keep things all neat and tidy in their spots, you like to look at menus with me, you don’t really socialise much outside of work and when you do it’s only with Ryland, Ilyukhina and Carl. You’re always really tired after work, all your ideas to help my autism are things you already do, you always copy me when I stim…’

She looks away, processing the information. It’s a lot to take in and not looking into your eyes helps her process. It certainly is a lot of things that she does, but she doesn’t want to draw conclusions without a professional. ‘I suppose you could be right, darling. I don’t want to jump to conclusions though.’ You hum and return to your fidget toy.

She sits with it for a while, unsure of if she should pursue it further. She’s an adult and has lots of ways of managing her ‘things’ on her own, so she isn’t sure the diagnosis would be worth it.

The weeks pass on and autism comes to her mind in her free time. It would be nice to know for sure if she is autistic, and she could have some workplace accomodations too- not having to go to all those meetings, not being expected at all social events. It would be nice. It would also allow her to have more energy with you. There may even be things she doesn’t know will help her…

She bites the bullet and decides to go for an assessment. It’s been months since she came across the handout and she’s collated a lot of evidence and it would be nice to be certain. It could also end up benefitting you too.

The assessment is long, filled with questions and things from her report cards being addressed. It was hard to find those then translate them herself for the benefit of the psychologist.

It finishes after 4 hours of back and fourth with the psychologist telling her that she does meet the criteria for Autism Spectrum Disorder.

She’s in a bit of shock. It’s one thing to speculate and another to have a trained professional confirm it. She also feels a bit relieved and happy. She likes to have clear definitions for things and this is another thing she can define.

She wants to use this to be a model for you, so she also goes to therapy to help find more tools and strategies. You both have open conversations about autism.

She isn’t really one to joke about it but will laugh and occasionally add to your jokes, which always surprises you in a good way.

Warning for RSD

1.4k words

You traipse into your science classroom, hands tightly holding your books. You’d answered a question wrong in maths and even though you knew everyone else had forgotten the shams still wrapped around your chest, unwilling to let go. You decided that in science you wouldn’t answer anything even if you knew the answer. What if you were wrong? what if everyone laughed at you? Or Mr. Grace thought you were stupid, like your Maths teacher undoubtedly thought now?

You swallow the lump in your throat and try to smile at Mr. Grace when he greets you and the other students coming into class. You think it comes out wrong though, you mouth going wide but not up. You look away before he has the chance to say anything.

You take your usual seat, second from the front, next to the window and try to distract yourself by listening and writing your notes in your book. It works for a bit, your understanding of the topic and happiness about everything clicking in your head, chipping away at your shame, until Mr. Grace declares that he’ll ask questions and whoever answers gets beanbags. The memory of your previous error slapping you across the face. You shift in your seat uncomfortably, trying to escape the embarrassment.

You like science- at least when things make sense. So you can usually answer a few questions, but today even though everything made sense you didn’t dare raise your hand.

You felt Mr. Grace’s eyes on you when he’d asked three questions and you hadn’t so much as raised your hand, not even daring to look your teacher in the eyes, lest he call on you.

-----

Ryland had noticed your body language, you were slumped and gave him a wince of a smile when you came in. He didn’t think much of it at first, and you took notes as usual. It was when he’d asked the third beanbag question and you hadn’t made an effort to even look like you were trying to think of an answer, instead staring a hole into your desk that he was sure something was off.

You were smart and enjoyed his classes, engaging well. You were energetic- sometimes leading to disruptions- but he didn’t mind. It was expected with an enthusiastic ADHDer. He knew you loved getting the chance to just say answers instead of raising your hand. Today though it remained on your desk. He decided to ask you if anything was bothering you.

----

You saw Mr. Grace wander over to your table and put the post-it on your desk whilst explaining the next activity. Your chest once again pooled with dread. You’d somehow managed to do something wrong again.

Once class had finished you slowly packed your supplies up then then wondered to the front of the classroom squeezing and unsqueezing your toes.

‘Hey, I just noticed you seemed to be a bit upset today and I just wanted to check in on you. You ok?'

You nodded wordlessly, not looking at your teacher.

‘You sure? If something is bothering you it can be helpful to tell someone.'

You nibbled on your bottom lip, deliberating on wheter or not to tell him.

‘It’s stupid.’

‘If it’s bothering you then I don’t think it’s stupid.’ He said kindly. You were silent for a while, considering his words. He didn’t rush you to stare into your soul, just waiting patiently.

‘I just made a dumb mistake in maths and feel really stupid and like everyone now knows that I’m stupid and I didn’t want to be wrong again so I just stayed quiet.’ Tears welled up in your eyes and you swayed from side to side you were reliving the moment again. Mr. Grace sat back in his seat.

‘You didn’t want other people to think you weren’t smart?'

You nod.

‘That makes sense. Making mistakes in front of other people is always unpleasant. It’s ok to feel embarrassed. Do you wanna take a look at the whiteboard for me? Look at the line one down from the top.’ Mr. Grace smiles at the end of the sentence.

The change of subject confused you, but you looked anyway.

Atoms are made up of protons, nutrons and electrons.

It takes a minute before you spot it. Nutrons. You weren’t sure of the spelling of the word but you knew that wasn’t it. You sniffed, using the back of your hand to wipe your tears.

‘You found it. I left that up for two seventh grade classes before I realised. 60 people saw that. I felt silly, parading around in front of the classes, teaching them science only to realise I’d spelt one of the most basic concepts incorrectly. I studied science for 13 years and still got it wrong. Made me wanna curl into a ball under the table.'

You laugh outright at that, the image of your easygoing teacher under his desk a funny image in your head.

'Everyone makes mistakes. Even people with PhDs make mistakes in their subjects. It’s ok to feel embarrassed but just because you feel like something is embarrassing and your head is telling you that it’s embarrassing doesn't necessarily mean that it is. Sometimes our thoughts and feelings feel like they’re the only truth. But they’re just thoughts and feelings. They don’t really reflect reality. Nerve impulses and hormones. That’s all they are. Has anyone said anything nasty to you about it?'

You think back on your day. No one had laughed or even looked at you, really. Megan still asked for your help with the later questions in maths and Tom asked you to explain something in English. None of your classmates did anything to indicate they thought you were stupid. Maybe Mr. Grace was right. It was just thoughts and feelings.

‘No. I think I was the only one that even realised- apart from Mrs Greene.'

‘There you go. It still doesn’t take away the hurt and feelings you had- RSD is really hard to live with. It just puts things into perspective. Just thoughts and feelings, not final, absolute judgements.'

‘RSD?'

‘Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria. Basically anytime a person with it thinks they’ve failed, done something wrong or thinks someone else has rejected them or dislikes them it causes a lot of emotional pain that can even sometimes be physical. Happens a lot in neurodivergent folks, especially us ADHDers becaue we struggle to regulate emotions.'

You mull over the words. You’d aways reacted so strongly to other people not liking you and teachers pointing out your mistakes. You just thought it was because you were sensitive and anxious. You’d never considered it to be a part of your ADHD. That line of thought lead you to process the last part of what Mr. Grace said. Your head snaps up to look at him. You can’t help but to blurt out the next sentence.

‘You have ADHD?'

‘Oh yeah, diagnosed when I was 15 after I- actually that's irrelevant. Yeah I’m an ADHDer. It’s not easy, RSD being one of the harder things about it. But RSD doesn’t define who you are, not even close ok?'

You nod, unsure of what to say to that. Then you think of a question.

‘How do you deal with it? RSD. Its just really…a lot.'

He chuckles. ‘Yeah, it is “really a lot”. Some thing that works is figuring out what I’m feeling, then I say to myself ‘Ok, I’m feeling, say embarrassed because I got a question wrong.' I do that a couple of times, then after that I tell myself ‘Ok, I’m noticing that I feel embarrassed because I got a question wrong.’ It helps ‘distance’ the thought or feeling from me while not just shoving it down. It takes practice- especially to remember to do it when you are upset. You could practice whenever you’re bored that way you will be more likely to remember to do it- again ADHD. Do you think that could help?’

You think on it for a bit. You don’t really see how just labelling the experience would help you but if Mr, Grace said it worked for him, then you might as well try, right?

‘I’ll try it, but it does sound odd.’ He laughs and tells you to let him know if it works.

‘Do you feel ready to go to lunch now?’ You nod and thank him for helping you.

‘Anytime. It’s always better to tell someone if something’s bothering you, yeah?'

You nod. ‘yeah.'

You guys have been living together for a few years and are quite close friends.

you were diagnosed when your were 7 and have a pretty good handle on managing you blood-glucose levels so you find your roommates reaction hilarious.

He's so hyperaware of your T1D it's not even funny like anytime he sees you eating he goes all mother hen and asks if you're high or low and if you've had insulin.

He will ask if you have your preferred choice of glucose whenever you leave the house, and double checks you have your dexcom (and that its working) as well as your diabetes bag.

What? He's a biologist, he knows how important it is for you to have all your things to manage your diabetes.

He doesn't ever get annoyed when your alarms wake him up at night. he smiles when he hears you grumbling about a 'stupid pancreas'.

When you come home and you're pale, shaky and your hands are cold he makes you sit on the couch then beelines to the fridge to get you juice. You're coherent enough to speak so he just gives you the juice and stares at you intensely, willing your blood-glucose levels to go up. Your lows freak him out more than your highs.

He will stay with you until your levels go up again, but if you ask him to leave he will too.

he will give you hand warmers because your hands take forever to heat up after a low

When you're high he will tread carefully. He knows it can make you irritable and he doesn't want to make it worse but will gently ask if you've taken your insulin you're about to snap at him when you realise the source of your irritation and mumble a 'thanks' while fixing your levels. He will also hand you some water.

1.6k words, what in the methylphenidate?

------

You walk to Ryland's classroom. You puff your cheeks out- a little pressure stim you discovered that feels nice. You glance at the posters on the walls, noting the different mediums used- some with pencil, others with paint- and a cool one that used cloth and stitching that must have taken forever.

You traipse into Ryland's classroom, like you have been everyday for the past few months since he became your foster parent. You have your PE uniform on- the navy blue trackpants, t-shirt and jacket. One of the benefits of having PE last period was being able to wear the comfy uniform.

The classroom is empty save for him- after class you went to your locker, got all the things you needed to take home, chatted to some of your friends then left to meet your foster-dad at the usual spot. You feel the fatigue wash over you as soon as you're alone. The school day wears you out and your ADHD meds are waring off so you're more sleepy than usual despite a good night's sleep. You love being with your friends and your meds make school more enjoyable but they don't fix your iphone 6 level social battery and they make your sensory sensitivities more pronounced, now that you're no longer distracted by the buzzing in your head.

He glanced up from packing up his own things and smiles at you. You grin back. Your body relaxes a bit and you dump your backpack on the floor and beeline towards him, pressing your face into his chest releasing a breath. He laughs out a 'hey kid' and wraps his arms around your shoulders. It's been months now. He feels safe and consistent and safe and secure and safe.

Things were strange at first- you weren't sure about how to manage Ryland as your foster parent and Mr. Grace as your science teacher at school. You were always too quiet or too loud, never paying attention or too invested in the topic, exhausting your teachers with endless questions. You could never get it right at school so it was a shock that Mr Grace wanted to be your foster parent.

You'd never had one of your teachers offer to be a foster parent before. It was an adjustment but now that you'd both settled into the new routines and roles you felt more relaxed.

He knew you loved routines sprinkled in with novelties and did his best to accomodate that. He'd read your file before he's agreed to foster you- it was part of the process. He knew about your ADHD, autism and anxiety. It didn't change anything for him. You were you and the diagnosis were just tools to help guide everyone to better support you.

He runs his fingers gently through your hair then pats your shoulder twice. He smells like cedar and sunshine.

'Alright kid, lets plan the afternoon then get home yeah? Do you have homework?'

You grab a chair from a desk then sit next to him while you both work together to outline an after school schedule for the two of you. He jots the plan down as you go.

You groan at the reminder of the homework that was assigned to you today. One of the drawbacks of having a foster parent who was a teacher was they he actually cared about your schoolwork.

'Yeah, maths, history, and music, but music is ok because it's fun.'

He laughs at your evaluation then you work together to verbally outline an after school schedule for both of you.

You'll both catch a Muni then walk the rest of the way home. After that you'll both eat an afterschool snack then get started on homework and grading respectively. You'll both go for a little walk to the local park then he'll get started on dinner. You'll most likely use that time to continue to read your current favourite book series or watch some tv. Then you'll eat together once dinner is ready. You'll help him wash the dishes, then probably play a board game or card game together until you have to get ready for bed.

It was simple, a bit boring but comfortable and predictable. It felt normal, like the something the other kids would normally do and that made you happy.

You leave the classroom and head for the Muni stop.

----

The Muni was loud but you had your ear-defenders on which helped dull the noise. They weren't big and chunky like a construction worker's but smaller and looked like headphones used to play music. You didn't have a phone so instead chose to stare our the window and stim with Ryland's sleeve, sometimes playing with his fingers, pressing the tips or running your finger over his fingernails. You felt a little too tired to talk, the words would rattle your skull a bit too much and your mouth was heavy so you didn't speak, just enjoyed the luxury of managing to snag a seat before it got too busy. Ryland didn't mind. he was tired from the day too and just needed to decompress. He liked that you didn't feel the need to mask your neurodivergence around him and tried to make home as comfortable as possible for you.

You got home, had some fruit and yogurt that restored a bit of energy then got on with your work. He set 20 minute timers, then challenged you to finish a page of maths before he finished grading two tests. The game was on. After 20 minutes you got a 10 minute break to go onto the apartment's veranda and enjoy some fresh air, then it was back to the great race. For each 20 minute block he gave you a mini challenge. If you beat him once then you got 10 points. Twice was 20, and for all three blocks was 50. Once you got to 1000 points you got to pick a fun activity you wanted to try (mini-golf, archery, ice skating ect) or a new book, film or toy and that weekend you'd both give it a go or buy the thing. You could bring a friend if you wanted to or just stick to the two of you. It worked well. you instantly got points but also had to routinely work to the bigger goal.

If you didn't win then you still got 5 points for trying your best. On heavy brain days when you knew there was no chance you'd be doing homework for 20 minutes he'd reduce it to 10 or 5 minutes and would actively help you stay on track. If you told him you just couldn't he'd respect that too.

Some days you just couldn't and that was ok. Instead you'd both go for a longer walk or you'd just do your hobbies to reset. He'd take your lead, if you were up for explaining how and why you couldn't he'd ask. If he knew you just needed a rest and some time to indulge in your hobbies he'd give you that too. He knew there was no point pushing when you had fought your way through 7 hours at school only to try for another hour or two. Teaching you different ways of how to take care of yourself was more important to him at the end of the day.

Today you felt good enough to accept his challenges and did your homework- you earnt the 50 which made you bounce with happiness.

After homework you went for a walk to the park. The fresh air smelt good and was gentle on your skin. You ran around, climbed on the climbing wall and eventually flopped on the ground. There were some other kids playing chasey and a couple walking their dog.

Ryland was walking around the park, hands in his jacket pockets. He wandered over to you and asked in you were ready to leave. You nodded then got up and began the walk home. You had a little more energy now and so began to explain the plot of your current book hyperfixation and your favourite character and what you thought they should to and why you liked them. Ryland always asked you follow up questions and engaged with you. He knew your hobbies were important to you and loved seeing how animated you'd get whenever you spoke about them. You grabbed his hand and swung it the whole way home happy to be able to infodump and it be welcomed.

Ryland made dinner- pasta with some vegetables on the side. You took the time to read while he cooked then finished the paragraph you were on when he called you for dinner. You both ate, chatting about your days and what you'd do on the weekend. You'd earnt you 1000 points last week so you got to choose an activity or item. You couldn't think of any books you wanted but weren't sure of what activity you wanted to do. You really enjoyed ice-skating last time you went but there was also an exhibition about ancient Egypt on which you were interested in. You told Ryland as much and you both chatted about why you wanted to do each activity and how long the exhibit was on for.

After dinner and washing up, it was game time. You chose uno tonight. Spit had been your recent favourite but you didn't have the energy for the fast pace of the game, so uno it was. You played a few rounds, each of you taking some wins and losses. Your eyes begin to grow heavy and your brain a bit clouded by fog. Ryland notices, looks at the time then ushers you to get ready for bed. You both brush your teeth, get changed in your seperate rooms then he knocks on your door. You say he can come in then he checks in, asking how you feel. You lie on your side grabbing his hand, the familiar surface comforting you as you drift off. he gently puts your hand on your bed in a comfortable position and gets ready for bed himself.

---

also, i really enjoy your other headcanons, like her being autistic and aroace, and the ones about grace interacting with autistic folks; i felt so seen with how you described them, and i just wanted to say thank you for sharing them with us. (also, now i can’t stop thinking about how good zero gravity stimming must be? i wanna float and flip around so bad…)

Thank you!! I'm so so glad you felt seen <3

Omg yes the service animal thing is so so true! She'd be so on top of it, researching the best training providers and making sure eveything is as it should be, she'd encourage you to do a bit of training with the animal everyday. She'd also get very protective of the animal too if it's with you in public, being polite but firm when people ask to pat it (even though it had its vest on to say it's a working animal).

When I thought of zero g stimming I got so happy bc urg the proprioceptive stims are endless!! (I think that's part of why I took up acrobatics hehe I can just flip on the trampoline or the floor and disguise it as 'training')

On nights where ADHD makes falling asleep impossible you'll leave your room and go into the living room to read, crochet or just listen to some music through headphones.

Eva, being the lightest sleeper ever almost always hears you and comes to check on you. She's never mad at you for being awake or waking her, even if its 2 in the morning and you're both sleep deprived.

She'll make you some tea and sometimes you'll just chat.

Sometimes she's able to coax you to bed before you fall asleep. Sometimes she misses her chance and just sits on the couch with you, running her hand through your hair gently until she also falls asleep.

If you've had a particularly hyperactive day she knows you're just gonna flop on her lap and not move for a while. She likes these moments when it's just you and her in the moment, you trying to borrow some of her endless calm.

She encourages you to do some sort of sport or exercise, whatever you want but you had to be active. It helped with your adhd and was good for your overall health.

As you get older and into more complex texts at school she helps set up your online assisted reading tools and keeps your accommodations up to date.

She also learns to just...breathe through the mess you seem to bring with you. She's taught you ways of keeping your areas clean, and the do work!...For the most part. But as your commitments grow- your social life, school, sports, hobbies, cleaning your spaces just gets left alone for longer than it should.

She tries her best not to raise her voice or give you looks that trigger your RSD. She knows shaming you will do more harm than good, so she just tries to gently remind you to clean up your stuff.

She knows you process time differently so she helps you set up alarms for leaving the house, for little tasks like getting dressed, brushing teeth ect.

She will call out your wild misestimations of how long a task will take- and help you to come up with strategies of having a more accurate idea.

Encourages you to set your clothes out the night before, pack your bag (check your checklist) ect. Sometimes you remember, other times you don't.

Encourages you to start tasks by breaking it up into smaller parts.

'Just open up your laptop, ok well done, now open the document you will use, good, ok now what's the title? ok Type that up...' and before you know it you're halfway through and on a roll.

You do homework in the kitchen while she makes dinner. The body doubling helps you and your mum will always catch up if your attention has drifted and will redirect you.

You tried to do homework in your room once, insisting you'd be fine, and you did finish it...taking 3 hours longer than if you'd just done it at the table.

Lets you go out with your friends as long as it's not too late on school nights.

Makes sure you've taken your meds in the morning and that you've set your alarm to take them at lunch too.

If you've just had an awful day at school she's always there letting you get your emotions out in whatever way you need.

Sometimes you'll help her with dinner and the two of you will start singing- you stim by singing and she enjoys it so you'll both do duets

You'll sometimes absent-mindedly stim by tapping on her arm. She always taps back.

*kinda turned into a short story whoops

You met in an introductory physics course. You were seated at the only bench with a free chair and he was running late so just slipped in beside you.

You smiled at him, nervous as up until then you were expecting to do the lab work by yourself which you wouldn't have minded but such is life.

he smiles back and introduces himself to which you respond with your name.

You both work well together. He has the guts to ask the professor questions when you both get stuck and you are methodical in following your lab manual during your experiments.

You weren't sure what to make of him at first. He seemed a little arogant but he was always kind to you.

Over time you warmed up to each other. You learnt he was studying biology and wanted to eventually teach as a professor. You told him your plans and after that you both slowly grew more comfortable together.

He noticed that some things bugged you that didn't worry most other students. You once had to step out of class because the light above your work station was flickering and you said it made you feel a bit ill.

He also realised that sometimes you'd repeat words he'd said a few times afterwards. He didn't even think you were aware you were doing it.

You'd accidentally let out a jump and flap your hands when you got excited about getting expected results, but would go red when you realised he was watching you. You apologised but he told you not to. He liked seeing you happy, whichever way you chose to express it.

He'd glare at other people if they stared at you.

If you were having a bad day and didn't speak as much he'd follow your lead, making sure you were ok and knew you didn't have to speak.

Towards the end of the semester a guy laughed at you when you span around and repeated 'yes yes yes' when yet again you'd both nailed the experiement. It was the first time you saw Ryland angry- livid really. Ryland saw how hard you tried to hold in your happy movements and was happy that you were slowly letting them out. Besides, everyone expressed it differently, he'd smile and fist his hands, the girl on work station 4 would nod her head, who cares if you were a little more overt?

He'd raised his voice to the other guy, calling him out for being an ass and to mind is own business. You were horrified by the attention in the moment and couldn't think or speak coherently, but thanked him the following class by buying him a hot chocolate (You didn't know if he liked coffee but who doesn't like hot chocolate right?)

You noticed that he wore glasses for close-up work but would otherwise have them in precarious positions on his face.

Ryland would tap his pen and shift a lot- it didn't bother you and made you feel less alien for needing to stim.

Any time someone dropped something on the floor and it made a loud noise you flinched and brought your shoulders up to your ears. He'd see you hands jolt as it to cover your ears, but you never allowed yourself the luxury. He'd ask if you were ok and you'd just smile and nod.

He thought it was a bit odd- but honestly he thought you in general were odd. But hey, he couldn't judge as he was equally as odd.

For your first assessed assignment you both paired up, divided the work fairly and would meet in the collaborative parts of the library to get it done.

He noticed you'd cycle through the same home cooked meals as you'd meet up at dinner time.

Once, in class there was just too much noise, you hadn't slept well and were too overwhelmed and shut down.

Ryland didn't notice at first, after all you were just sitting and staring into space, but after he asked you a question and you hadn't so much as blinked he realised something was up. he didn't touch you or bring attention to your lack of presence just continued with the experiment, glancing at you periodically.

The lab session finished around the same time but you didn't move so he just sat with you. You eventually came to and blinked at him blankly, not speaking. He walked you back to your dorm then left after he asked if you wanted him to stay and you shook your head. You needed to just lie down for a while.

The first time you saw each other out of an academic context was at a party. He saw you and beelined. Ryland didn't think you were the type for parties but you explained that you were here with a friend.

You both stayed together for most of he night, though sometimes he'd drift away then come back.

You realised people would look at you and cover their mouths, as if to hide laughs, but you didn't know why until you saw the guy from physics who'd laughed at you for spinning and felt your innards turn cold.

You both made eye-contact and he jumped and flapped his hands, causing everyone to laugh. It wasn't the mocking that pushed you over the edge- you'd dealt with it your whole life any time you tried to unmask, it was the exposing of a secret you tried to keep guarded for so long.

'It's like you're fucking autistic!' Everyone's laughter mirrored the horror flowing out of you. Because you hated when autistic was used in a derogatory way, to mock or hurt others. This asshole's attitude was exactly why you tried to hide your autism from every one.

You froze, unable to move, overcome with a conglomerate of emotions swirling around that you couldn't decipher, so you sat there frozen.

Ryland chose that moment to reenter the room, and took a moment to read the room. He figured out what was going on quickly. He knew he wouldn't be able to hold in his anger if he got too close to the asswipe so he instead focused on gently coaxing you from the room to the front lawn of the house where you began to cry.

The tears fell down your face and you tried to tame them as quickly as possible. They weren't tears of sadness, but rage. Hot blind rage that washed over every cell in your body.

'I'm gonna kill him!' You go to turn around but Ryland pulls you back with a 'hey hey no, ok lets just walk away, ok? nothing good can come from going back in there.' he gently guides you away, trying to emulate calm breathing hoping you'd follow his lead.

You both sat outside on a bench, you put your feet on the bench so you were balled up and he was next to you. The anger had eddied away into sadness and hopelessness. You didn't look at him, instead looking at your hands. Ryland is the first to speak but you don't hear him.

You're busy debating whether or not to just spill the beans. You eventually decide to just go for it. May as well cut the friendship now if he can't deal with it.

'Ryland...I...I'm autistic. That's why I.. y'know sometimes I'm weird and move in strange ways and why I don't person very well.' You can't look at him.

He doesn't say anything for a while and the silence makes your ears ache, the feeling of losing a friend setting in slowly and painfully.

'Uh ok cool. Thanks for telling me. That means a lot. Also puts so much into perspective. I'm sorry you have to deal with those assholes. They're just primitive idiots.'

You giggle at the last comment and feel relieved. He doesn't hate you nor did he decide that you were too much for him.

After that you both hang out more. You gradually share more things about autism and your interests. You remain lab partners and coordinate attending the same lab sessions for your other classes and remain close friends throughout university.

He learns your favourite spots to catch up, the restaurants you like to go to when you can't be bothered cooking and your favourite books.

You, in turn learn that he almost exclusively lives on takeout, loves sci-fi media and cannot stand the taste of celery.

*I am working on a longer fic that will be posted to AO3 once I have enough of it to post... hope you enjoy!

Ages 1.5-8 years old

Eva adopted you when you were 1.5 years old.

She has high hopes for you. You're raised bilingual and by the time you are four years old you have a strong vocabulary in both Dutch and French.

She's quite strict but is also very soft and gentle with you. You're so so energetic and happy it's hard for her not to smile when you smile, hug you when you're sad or happy or just because.

She sings you lullabies to help you sleep and notices that depending on whats been bothering you your preference in languages changes.

Smiles so much when she's with you. Her cheeks hurt because she loves you so much.

She teaches you life skills from an early age. You're helping her with tasks around the house, putting your things away properly, learning how basic personal hygiene ect.

She tries to socialise you more and sometimes you love it, sometimes you hate it.

She also notices that you don't sit still often and will often interrupt her even though she reminds you that it is impolite. She just assumes that's part of you being an energetic child.

She notices that though you were a late talker- she thinks its just because of the bilingualism- you have an extensive vocabulary.

It's when she starts trying to teach you how to read that things start to appear...different. You have an extensive vocabulary. She's been reading to you in both languages since you were in her care. You should be able to follow along and at least start to read basic words, but you just...can't. She can see you are trying, she knows she's done everything in her power to give you a strong start academically, but it just doesn't click in your brain.

She isn't sure what to do, thinking it may just be another part of the fact you're bilingual- you took longer to speak, maybe it will slow your reading too? But once you get to school and your teachers express concern she knows something needs to be done so she sets up an appointment with an educational psychologist.

You're diagnosed with dyslexia and ADHD. It's a surprise and definitely causes her to slowly change her mindset over time.

She thought that kids with ADHD were just undiciplined and dyslexics were just slow readers, but your diagnosis changes her views and understandings.

She sees how hard you try to read and how intelligent you are but that you just encode written text differently to most.

She sees how the dyslexia isn't just about reading but also your spatial awareness. You struggle to tie your shoes and often get directions mixed up. You'll sometimes grab a spoon when she told you to grab a fork.

ADHD isn't just kids misbehaving. You're a good child, you try to listen but sometimes your memory just can't hold the multi-step instructions and you get so absorbed in your thoughts that you don't even hear her when she speaks to you. It's just the way your brain works.

She takes everything she learns and uses it to advocate for you in every way possible. At school and in your music classes. At home she...adjusts her parenting strategy and even takes some courses about parenting neurodivergent kids. She isn't someone to do things half-heartedly.

She regularly does your therapy practice with you. Both for dyslexia and for ADHD management tools. Your therapists are impressed with how well you progress due to her diligence.

She doesn't try to change you, just find you tools for yourself. She understands ADHD and dyslexia are just part of how your brain works and wants to equip you with things that help support your learning and thinking style.

You always go to her when you get frustrated or overwhelmed. You collapse into her lap and she always holds you and rocks you gently.

*meant to just be about autism but I couldn't help myself

As a kid she never understood how most people would say things that they didn't mean, but everyone else still seemed to 'get it'

She was direct as a kid, saying what she meant and not sugarcoating it

She would sometimes unintentionally hurt other kid's feelings because she just said things as they were. 'Do you like me hair cut?' 'No, it's uneven and makes your forehead look bigger'

She didn't understand why so many people would ask questions then get hurt when she gave them an honest answer

She had a 'blank face' when people would talk to her, leading teachers and students to ask if she was ok or angry. It confused her.

Would crave deep pressure and wrap herself up in as many blankets as possible

Would do her hair the exact same way every day and would wear mostly similar clothes. She created a 'uniform' for herself.

Would go outside and sit after school to decompress and regulate. She learnt all the names of the flowers in her garden.

As a teen would prefer to be alone, though she had a couple of close friends at choir

Definitely used singing as a socially acceptable stim

Was an avid reader, liked fiction because it taught her about how other people...exist and loved non-fiction because it taught her about history and languages

LOVED languages. Grew up bilingual, then learnt two other languages at school but actually was able to speak them after she graduated. They were the perfect mix of creativity and structured rules for her.

As a teen, she would write these really beautiful short-stories which she used to express her emotions and process her life experiences but refused to show anyone. She'd also translate them into as many of her languages as she could. (They 100% would have won awards and been published if she had shown then to someone)

Was a straight A student and went to a competitive school

Would stim by squeezing her hands into balls and releasing them and repeating words in her head. Would also slowly shift her weight from foot to foot, not wanting to attract attention.

Had to have her items laid out in a certain way and would get really upset if someone touched her things

Had a wicked sense of humour but not many people 'got it' (Ryland later would and that's part of why she liked having him around so much)

When everyone started dating she just didn't see the excitement. She'd rather spend her time writing or reading or taking a walk in nature.

She'd get uncomfortable when boys would hit on her in her final year of school and just wanted to focus on her academics

Always felt strange when people would tell sex jokes. They were crass and gross and she just didn't find them funny.

Wasn't overly bothered by knowing she was different to everyone. She didn't really like them enough to want to be like them anyway. She was smarter, had a better memory and did more useful things with her time.

Did well in university, did a double degree in history and languages. Took some creative writing courses as electives.

Wanted more friends as she was older but just struggled too much and decided the effort wasn't worth the reward and stopped trying after her first semester of university.

She never thought about why she was different, but when she was in her 40s and discovered autism and the different presentations she did pause, then keep reading, then just sat and thought for a while, tucking the information away for later.

Running the hail mary operation was simple for her. Not easy, but simple. It required schedules, chains of command, reports, negotiating and giving clear instruction. If it wasn't for the emotional toll of watching so many people she'd grown to like die she probably would have enjoyed it.

She easily gets consumed in tasks, finding it difficult to pull away. Getting to be around the Hail Mary project constantly helped regulate her. No one could tell her to stop, because they all had to be in it all the time.

Ryland was the first person to 'get' her in a while. He found her dry humour funny. Though it was never stated, she sensed that he also felt to 'out of placeness' she'd felt.

She'd still step outside when she needed space and to be away from people. The fresh air always calmed her.

She rubs her hands on her trousers to stim

Hates eye contact but will do it as a power move if need be

Practiced staring people in the eyes as a kid so she could do it when she needed it.

Still never found the interest to date as an adult. Staying single, happy with her flowers and quiet.