lionheart

It was either a frog or a newt, but I didn’t know what sound a newt makes so I chose the frog. It w-was really em-embarrassing, but, uhm, it’s finished. They weren’t suppose to know it’s me in the costume and wouldn’t been freaked out about a random human frog barging into their h-home. The plan sounded b-better in my mind, I s-swear.

Anyway --- I’m just gonna pretend I didn’t hear you say that. Relax, hon, am I making you nervous? Or do you just stutter? My best friend in high school used to stutter, and it was the cutest thing ever. Wow, it sounds like you need a few pointers on pranking.

Seriously? Can’t you see my trying to back out. Move faster or become a pancake.

Damn honey, chill out. I’ll move as fast or as slow as I please. Waiting for me to pass won’t kill you.

I’m sorry, who are you? Or rather who exactly do you think you are to be trying to be teaching me manners after blatantly insulting me. Clearly, you missed that lesson in whatever manners course it was you were sitting in on. 

Chill out, hon, I’m not “blatantly insulting” anyone. I’m calling shit as I see it. There’s this little thing called honesty, did you know that? Maybe the things I said were a bit brutal, but I figured you were a big boy, I figured you could handle it. Now, if I wanted to insult you, I probably would’ve started it off by talking about your disgusting sideburns or maybe I would’ve criticized your hideous choice of clothing.

Let’s start off again fresh once again. My apologies for such the inconvenience I have caused you. Feel free to tell when or where to stop. That it. All I have left to offer you is an another apology. 

Awesome. I’m glad you realized all the trouble you put me through with your disastrous little story. Fuck it, let’s go swimming. I’m not wearing a bikini under my clothes, but who cares, right? 

My mom’s always bugging me to be more spontaneous and prank-y, so I decided to do a surprise visit back home wearing a full on frog costume. Got home, jumped in the house like a frog with all the croaking, but instead of hitting the ground I hit my little brother instead. My mom fell in tears, my dad was nice enough to help me up, and Rowan just shook his head at me as he put an ice pack on his little bump. They were also on their way for dinner at uncle Brady’s restaurant and were already running late, so you could imagine all the stares I got when I walked in with a frog costume. My mom and uncle Brady are never going to let me live this one down. So much for trying to be spontaneous and funny. 

Damn, a frog? Out of all the animals in the world, you decided on a frog costume? Yikes, that sounds so embarrassing. And why is a surprise visit back home in a frog costume considered a prank in your eyes? Like, honey, I’m sorry, but no one thinks you’re a frog.

You know, the initial concern I had on the way out here might have been the fact I really l was not looking forward to turning into one of those god awful horror films. I can assure all of you that I refuse to be a cliche that simply hides in the closet while our killer closes in on us. The second any sort of sign of danger presents itself I will not hesitate to offer up one of you to find my way to safety. Although, rest assured, I will definitely make sure to give you a proper funeral and memorial service when I’m named hero of this whole..unfortunate scenario.

Fuck man, where are your manners? Never tell a lady she’s going to die, and never tell her you’re going to be the one planning her funeral. No offense, but you’re definitely not cut out for being a hero. By just looking at you I can already tell you’d be one if the first to go. My guess is you’d be killed second, but that’s if, and only if, the killer is having a good day.