h u r r i c a n e

Chill out, hon, I’m not “blatantly insulting” anyone. I’m calling shit as I see it. There’s this little thing called honesty, did you know that? Maybe the things I said were a bit brutal, but I figured you were a big boy, I figured you could handle it. Now, if I wanted to insult you, I probably would’ve started it off by talking about your disgusting sideburns or maybe I would’ve criticized your hideous choice of clothing.

How old are you? I’m only curious because I’m trying to calculate just how long it’ll take for you to get to that age when you realize no one actually cares about their apperance as heavily as you clearly do at what..the naive age of fifteen?

First of all, I don’t read comics. Second of all, you said it yourself, group hero things aren’t my style. Sleezy deal? How is this a sleezy deal? I thought it was pretty legit. Unless you’d prefer me to write up a contract..? Fifteen minutes of fame and not a minute more. Don’t forget there’s no backing out.

Have you already forgotten how I clearly made that deal? Why would I back out of something that I presented to the table. Where would the logic be in that. Although, I suppose if it would really make you feel better you could write up a contract if this undoubtedly hypothetical situation ever presented itself.

Dammit how did you ever find out? All the training I did with my group girl won’t pay off now. Kidding. No! Just no. I would never let us have bad blood. Between the two of us we’ll never go out of style. If we did I would be the clear winner, just sayin’. I-I’ve b-been busy, that’s all, Kier. 

Yes, but to be fair it would only be because I’d let you have the win. I’m not incredibly competitive. Busy? Are you sure? There doesn’t appear to be a whole lot of conviction in your voice when you say that. Although, what do I know. I’m no dectitive. I’d just hate for you to think you’d have to lie to me.

If not a cliche where the killer comes near us while we’re all jammed in a closet, then what? The other options we have is to kill the killer, to kill ourselves, to run, which sounds very stupid by the way, and to hide. Second, you’re so sweet, has anyone told you that before? What if the whole group decided to sacrifice you, then what? 

I suppose now that I’ve made it known that I wouldn’t hesitate to sacrifice all of you it leaves a lot of room for everyone to simply turn against me. I small flaw I’ve made, I’ll definitely admit. All I can say is for our sakes I simply hope it’s all a very complex and unrealistic scenario that will remain as such. Otherwise, I suppose I’ll be the first to say it, we’re all screwed. I don’t imagine anyone else has a very detailed plan on surviving a killer other than running. Or maybe for the small portion of people they might be brave and idiotic enough to attempt to kill this hyopthetical mad man. 

Well excuse me for interrupting, then. Damn ,that part about the rent’s a real tear jerker, Kier. You make a convincing plea for life but I’d probably still sacrifice you for throwing in that dig at me at the end of your speech. Although I might be prompted to change my mind once I see it with the actual tears and you begging on your knees, so let’s go. Don’t be lazy and do it full out this time. 

Oh, trust me, Em, when the time comes and you’re holding a sharp object against my neck I would love nothing more than to grovel. But I have avery strong feeling it won’t ever come to that. Especially seeing the solid point I’ve made for you not to. I certianly couldn’t imagine you living on the streets. 

Tons of fun. My humor is to die for. Well clearly it was a hypothetical situation considering how unrealistic it was. I find it a bit concerning your go to imaginary scenario was one right out of a shitty horror movie, but I suppose the cabin we’re all staying at is to blame. Okay so the world doesn’t know you didn’t save anybody, and they buy whatever tale you spin them. I’m still not seeing how you’d be perceived as a hero. Maybe a miracle for being the sole survivor, and I’m sure the hypothetical press would be all over you, but nit really a hero. No, I’ve never seen Scream. Life’s to short to be watching bad films, you know. 

That’s the true power of this scenario. It’s not real. I can spin however I please. There really is no realistic element to it. As you so thoughtfully and thoroughly pointed out a matter of seconds ago. I could be a hero just simply becuase some silly writer decided to write me as such. I could be a hero due to the fact the media will simply spin whatever tale they want on their own. There are never ending possibilities. I could be a hero becuase little Bobby and Suzie say so. And for the record simply becuase a movie is terrible doesn’t make not worth the watch. I’ve heard it was all the rage in the nineties however long ago that was. I have no time to factor in math. I’m sure it was a classic and to understand the evolution of horror films one most go all the way back to very cheesiest and terrible of movies.

After watching cabin in the woods, I’ve been scared of cabins ever since, so I can see where you’re coming from. But you know, the person who tries to save themselves instead of everyone else, usually ends up getting killed first. Demons and ghosts can sense selfishness, I tell you. So, I would suggest not doing that, unless you want karma to come back and bite you in the butt.

Alright, I suppose I could see what you’re saying if you weren’t so completel wrong. I’m just confused as to what demons and ghosts have to do with karma. They are two completely different idealogies. And on top of that I’ve already figured I’ve landed myself a trip down to hell anyways so I’m not completely terrified if the gathering somehow made it’s way up to me. It’s only a matter of time. I’ve just now realized I should simply accept it.

A billion years ago, but they’re still alive and breathing. No, my mom remembers. I told her that we were going back for the weekend and she seemed surprised that they were still renting it out to people. Apparently some stuff went down, but she stopped before she could tell me. For a second I thought you were gonna use me being supportive as a reason to sacrifice me, but you reassured me at last minute. I have faith, but when you’re going around saying you’d give me a proper funeral and memorial service, then I get a bit anxious. 

The very fact your mother refused to tell you what happened out here should have been reason enough for you to turn around. In fact, I really do wish you would have told me that bit of information otherwise I would have stayed back on this trip. Along with attempting to convince you to stay back as well. But clearly it’s too late for that now seeing as we’re here and there’s no use in turning this trip around now seeing as they’ll probably end up killing us if we even try. 

I literally just said I’d kill you, presented the opportunity, and you’re babbling about love? Honestly Kieran this whole delusional thing was cute at first but you’re taking it too far. Nice speech though, very heartfelt. Continue? So there’s more? Go ahead. 

Of course you missed the part where I begged you for my life. You silly Russian, you. Alright, anyways. After you so rudely interjected your two cents. I have yet to get to the best part. But how will you go on once I’m gone, Em? I can’t possibly imagine you being able to afford rent once I’ve exited this world. It would be such a burden to live in a world without me and you know it. You’d be doing yourself a great sufferage to kill the only person forced to hang around you. and scene. It’s a little wonky in the beginning I know, but do imagine it with tears streaming down my face and me begging you on me knees for theatrics.

I see you’re willing to compromise. Okay, fine. That works for me, but you better not try anything sneaky! If I find out you have a secret agenda, I will end you. And you better believe I’ll be exposing you for being a poser because in the end, there can only be one hero.

That’s not entirely true. Have you never opened up a comic book in your life? Or hell, taken a trip to the movies or even logged onto your computer for that matter? There are plenty of heroes that work in groups. Although, I suppose that’s not your style. Either way, I never go back on my promises..or in this case sleezy deals. You’ll have your wish so long as you give me he fifteen minutes of fame I require in this completely unreal scenario of ours.

Did you hit your head on your way here?

You know, I bet that would be the best explanation now wouldn’t it? Either that or you simply enjoy living in a world of blissful ignorance. That’s all for you to decide on your own time I suppose. Although, even you’d have to admit it’s not completely insane of a thought to have. We are alone. In a cabin. Which is surronded by well..nothing but trees and woodland creatures. Not to mention I’m sure there isn’t even a bar of service out here. It’s a serial killers wet dream, to be quite honest.

What can I say. I’ve been a pretty busy girl. Once we get back to the city you might not see me again for a few weeks. I’ve just been elsewhere. Sorry my phone’s been off or dead. I’m horrible with charging or checking my phone.Um yeah, maybe one day we could do that. 

Clearly, if there’s no concern for your number one fan at this point. Honestly, I’m beginning to think you’ve developed a Taylor Swift complex for me, Lani. Do we truly have Bad Blood?

Oh, really? Then you wouldn’t mind me droning on about the importance of lighting position and the angle at which to catch a perfect shadow? Because I can, and we’ll be here all night. I guess so, but I’ve always thought cinematography was simple. I’ve actually never seen either of those, but I guess you might have a point. Still, who could pass up a kick ass female? Like, there’s nothing more entertaining than seeing a woman slay while everyone else is, well, slain. Well, as long as I’ve made my point, I’m happy. Are you saying you won’t agree to being my sidekick in a horror movie? Man, Kieran, I thought we were closer than this. We could have been true partners in crime, but this? This is utter betrayal. Where is the commitment? The appreciation? The enthusiasm? Listen…this friendship may be on the rocks if you don’t step up your game. 

If that’s what truly gets your movie gears going, I supposed I’ve got the time to hear. I’m not entirely sure what you’d expect me to do with that bit of information but I’m rather good at at least pretending like it’s something interesting. Which I can only hope it’s a lot more interesting than it sounds. I’m much more interested in hearing conceptual ideas. I mean being a studier of cinema like yourself I’d assume you’d have a rather strong opinon on people like Sophia Coppola or Quinten Terrintino. Maybe even one of my favorites David Fincher. No, how dare you. I refuse to be the Robin to someone’s Batman. This is my hypothetical situation I’ve comed up with and you’re the sidekick. That’s final. I would prefer if we were equals quite honestly. I mean is that not what being a feminist is truly about? Otherwise, it would be as though were were starting a war amongst the sexs and that would be truly devastating. My game is very stepped thank you very much.

Fuck man, where are your manners? Never tell a lady she’s going to die, and never tell her you’re going to be the one planning her funeral. No offense, but you’re definitely not cut out for being a hero. By just looking at you I can already tell you’d be one if the first to go. My guess is you’d be killed second, but that’s if, and only if, the killer is having a good day.

I’m sorry, who are you? Or rather who exactly do you think you are to be trying to be teaching me manners after blatantly insulting me. Clearly, you missed that lesson in whatever manners course it was you were sitting in on. 

Oh don’t worry, the chances of an actual serial killer pursuing a group of kids this large isn’t very plausible. I mean if you look at any classic example of real life killers it never happens like in the movies. So I’d say we’re safe. And besides, if there was a killer, the chances of them leaving behind any survivors is unlikely. You’d be dead along with the rest of us. And questioning this hero vision of yours– if you had sacrifice others to stay alive why would you be named the hero? It’s not like you saved anyone except yourself. 

I’m sure you’re rather fun at parties, aren’t you? For one thing this was only a hypothetical I was dreaming up as I was making that miserable ride all the way out to the middle of armpit nowhere. On top of that, simply because I know I didn’t save everyone doesn’t mean the rest of the world would know. I suppose if we were truly basing this off of a movie the only real story to be told would be from my mouth and of course I would be the hero because I was clearly the only survivor. Have you not seen Scream? I imagine it would be a verion of that. Only slightly more realistic. 

Are you now telling me I have to look out for serial killers at this lake? Just when I though I got over my nightmares from watching Friday the 13th and this happens. Do you know if you get any cell service up in these woods, because I just want to go home now. I knew this was a mistake. 

I suppose that depends on your carrier. I wouldn’t rely on sprint or att&t. Maybe verizon, but that’s truly a long shot. Maybe just hope there’s a small town near by that would be willing to help. So long as it isn’t one of those towns like the Silent Hill where they’re all Satan worshippers. Hopefully, I have my horror movies right.

Okay, honestly? I’m offended. Its always been my dream to be the hero of a horror movie and you’re just gonna take that away from me? That’s so evil of you, like evil enough to make you pass as the killer. You won’t be the one giving me a proper funeral, because I’m the one who’s going to be crowned the hero after this tragic scenario goes down. Got it?

Mmm, that is quite a heavy title to throw. I mean I’d prefer to look at myself as the coward of this story. It’s much less gratifying, sure, but it certainly beats being the serial killer. So, I can assure you your title as the true hero will be left untarnished so long as I can pose as the hero when we both know the truth. You can reveal me much later once all of this dies down.