s

"that was my nickname in highschool" as a response to anything

"do my pants look like they're on fire?" when accused of lying

"not to get too political..." before saying something that is not political at all

"who hired this guy"

"bade umr mei mahilaon ko hoti hai kuchh kuchh parishaniya" #hindi

"happy birthday" when i'm talking to someone at night and it hits 12

"let me call it" when someone loses something that cannot be called

"phew, still under warranty" to the parents of a newborn

"it's sad, but it had to happen" to something that absolutely did not have to happen

"that does not sound like something i'd say" when called out for something i did in fact say

"can i ask you a personal question?" before asking anything (eg. directions)

"alright you two, quit flirting" when your friends are arguing

"well great, there goes my weekend plans" when someone tells you to not do something you were obviously not planning on doing

"it's true, i was there" for something that does not need evidence

"haven't heard that name in years.." when someone says your name

"look, rome wasn't built in a day" when someone calls you out on being late

"as the old saying goes" after saying something oddly specific

"can you let me finish?" when stumbling over my words

"my life just flashed before my eyes" after barely tripping

"that's good, let's get all the bad ideas out first" after someone offers bad advice

"while we're still young maybe?" when someone takes more than 4 seconds to do something

"hey that's what growing up is all about" when someone older or your age says they made a mistake

"we can't keep meeting like this" when running into a classmate or colleague

"let's have that removed" after tripping over an object

"great, the media is going to eat this up" after doing something embarrassing

"i hate when that happens to me" to something that almost never happens

"now let that sink in" after saying something ridiculous

"wow, crickets." after someone makes an unfunny joke

"get home safe" after dropping someone off at their house

"now please hold your applause" after no one laughs at your joke

"ah, young love" after an elderly couple walks by

"i like what you've done with the place" when entering a friend's messy room

"nah, it just fell off" in response to 'did you get a haircut'

"the blind leading the blind"

"oh look, they left my spot open!" after finding easy parking

"aren't you just a bundle of joy" when someone is being rude

"riddle me this, batman" before asking a question

"this is great, same time next year?" on birthdays

"this will destroy the company" when messing up

"i'll allow it" for something you have no control over

"i'm just glad i was able to keep my composure" after loosing your cool

"this is going to ruin the tour!" after a minor inconvenience

"too easy" after struggling to do something

"this is your captain speaking" after picking up the phone

"merry christmas" / "get yourself something nice" after handing someone anything

"it appears we've made a breakthrough in the investigation" when someone states the obvious

"it's a christmas miracle!" when anything good happens ever

"wouldn't have done it that way myself but.." when there is almost no other way to do it

"has someone contacted the president yet?" when someone is being overdramatic

"i was made for this moment" for whenever, eg. losing a game

"when in rome" to justify anything

"yeah just throw that anywhere" when someone drops something

"let's leave it to the pros, buddy" when someone embarrasses themselves

"and on the year of my birthday too" when something goes wrong

"yup, still got it" when doing anything mundane, eg. tying shoelaces

"that's what my dad always said"

"anything for a fan" after a friend thanks you

"i'm just testing the gravity" after dropping something

"get it together man, we're in public" after someone sneezes more than once

"sorry, they don't get out much" after a friend says something dumb

"my country needs me" while getting up

"and i've always said that"

"i'll let you off with a warning" when losing an argument

"don't tell me how to raise my kids" after being corrected by someone

"looks like the night shift showed up" when someone is late

"nice try man, i know my rights" when someone tells you that you cannot do something

"the food sounds amazing" when someone is chewing loudly

"couldn't have happened to a nicer guy" when something bad happens to you

"can't talk now, it's not safe here" when asked a question you don't want to answer

"welcome to the right side of history" when someone agrees with you

"there's no way to know for sure" when there is a definitive answer

"i think i'm going to be sick that day"

"no, thanks, i'm trying to quit" when being offered anything

"look man i'm not a geologist" or any other unrelated profession when asked something you don't know the answer to

"and they said it couldn't be done" after someone does an easy task

"add that one to the dictionary" when someone says a word wrong

"this will hurt you more than it will hurt me"

"i remember it like it was yesterday" when it did indeed happen yesterday

"how are the kids and wife" when the other person does not have any

"gonna hang that one on the fridge" after winning anything

"that's the first sign..." when someone loses their train of thought

"thanks, i've been hitting the gym lately" when someone compliments any trait of yours

"go fish" to a question you can't answer

"my compliments to the chef" when you are the chef

"you've been blessed enough" / "now you're just being greedy" when someone sneezes more than twice

"i was actually hoping you'd say that" after someone says something you couldn't have known they would say

"i'll give you three guesses" to a yes or no question

"i remember back when i was your age" to an older person

"that could've been us" to your friend after seeing a couple

"when your phone dies, do not charge it" when someone sends you something ridiculous or diabolical

"awesome guy, knew them in high school" when asked if you know a celebrity

"that'll never hold up in court" when you're losing an argument

"it's only up from here" in an elevator going up

"just act like i'm not here" after getting too close to someone

"alright that was going to be my next guess" after being corrected

"christmas is ruined!" after a minor inconvenience

"wanna dance?" when trying to get around someone who keeps getting in the way

"please, not in front of the children" when two people are arguing

"let's not fight, it's christmas"

"buy me a drink first" when someone does something accidentally forward / flirty

"did you say something" to your friend when a baby cries or a dog barks or etc

"i'll pray about it" instead of 'i'll think about it' or 'let me see'

"is that what they're calling it these days?"

"that's why they pay me the big bucks" after doing something marginally impressive

"thanks, i grew it myself" after being complemented on anything

"that's a weird looking dog" for any animal other than a dog

"don't freak out" before announcing anything mundane

"wouldn't you like to know" after someone asks a very direct question

winking after saying anything

pretending to slip when a 'wet floor' sign is in sight !! only in front of ur friends !!

holding a fake microphone in front of someone

"is that mistletoe ??"

"good choice" when pressing an elevator button for someone else

"speaking of which.." and talking about something completely different

"this one's on me" when you hold a door for someone after they held a previous door for you

"that guy gets it" while pointing at a random person after a joke doesn't land

"yeah, maybe" and other variations when someone says something with confidence

"there's no way to know" in response to questions with objective answers

"wonder who that was" after a phone call

"sorry to bother you at work" to your coworkers

"sure, why not, i'm not driving" when offered anything

"hate when that happens" to something that almost never happens

"good year" in response to any 4 digit number

"ooh, double digits!" to an adult's age

a saint like laraunt