Concerning Hobbits...

I've made to the land of the unknown. I'm scattered in dread and termoil as I force myself to pursue each day to the best of my abilities. But my emotions are running more frantic than ever before. The loneliness sinks in so much deeper now and I can't ever seem to shake off these fears no matter how much I try to drown it out with mindless fandoms and endless scrolling. The reality of it all is too harsh for me to face. I've landed in a shitty apartment with weather that is the surface of the sun to say the least. It's affordable which is what I try to tell myself as my account takes the hit points like venom sinking into thick constricted veins.

I'm trying to tell myself to push onward and start the proccess of school, work, and the adjustments needed to be here on my own. But it's just so much to handle alone. It's too hard! I find my mind frantic and desprite to reachout to someone. As soon as I feel like I've made up my mind, that I have to call someone, ANYONE I just ease out of it thinking no one will want to hear me in this state. No one will want to really listen or tell me the magic words to make me feel safe or rush here to be with me while I struggle. I'm a grown indepent woman taking action...

but I'm so fuckin' alone.

I don't know if I can keep this up. I can't tell if I'm really strong enough to handle all of this. I should be greatful that I don't have anyone barking at me that I'm doing everything wrong, But I'd be lying if I said I don't tell myself that I am.

I'm trying my best, I know. I've accomplished a lot more than what I thought I could. I should be grateful and proud of how far I've come. I should feel like I can accomplish anything now that I've finally made it here. I can't seem to convince myself of any of that. I'll just stay in the shitty apartment for a year, save up. Then move somewhere nicer once I know I can afford it. If I can afford it. I'll walk to the college. If anything I'll take on more AGR TDY or Deployments to gain more income. Hopefully I can start school and have the coverage needed on top of housing. Right now I can only wait for instructions on what's to come. Not to mention the having the TMO settled.

If I just keep going in this numbing state, maybe it'll fade. I just need to give myself grace and time.. time.

Come on, Sam. You know what Bilbo use to say

- " It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step out on to the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to."

I have a lot of changes to come as I move on to the next chapter in my life. I have know really garantee that all my plans will go smoothly and it more than likely won't. I'm taking a road trip 24hr drive to a new state that I have never been before. I won't have a job right away, I won't have a home. I'll be starting college and swicth to reserves with my base in a whole other 2 states over from where I plan to live. The pressure is intense to say the least. Not to mention a guy I was talking to wants to randomly reachout after I broke off things (because my values weren't being met- which maybe I should save that discussion for another post). I don't have anyone to contact there for support or emergency. I'm not good with cars and I don't know roads well and here I am! I would do better if I was going on foot to be real. Might take longer, but I like hikes and I jog a lot. There's so much paperwork and legal docs to keep in check with all this too.

I can say that I'll miss the comfortability that I have here, but staying where I am was never an option in the long all. I know I'm not happy or finding fullfillment in this place. I have to keep developing myself and my values. I'm starting to see what it is that " I " want for myself and I'm determined to move forward and see the person I'll become. As it is inevitable, it is time for the change in my life to come forth. Another unknown adventure ahead of me. With all the challenges to face for my character to show it's high quality.

I'll admit that I'm terrified. I even broke down with a painic attack last week. There's this voice inside me that thinks I don't have enough Took in me to conquer this. But there's no going back. I've set these plans in motion long before when I recongized in myself the urge for change. It's funny how all these threads in life tangle together at the most unexpected time. I can't shake all the preperiations needed and the panic of anticipating the journey. But I have to just keep moving. At the very list one step at a time. Maybe I can find there's more to this little hobbit mind than meets the eye.

POV: Me driving my car on the highway in new territory.🚗↓↓