chaos calls in hollow harmony

everything is f i n e ...

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I mean, we all know that Loki’s struggle has been hidden away for so long. In Thor 1, pre-Jotunheim Loki gives off this demure energy, in that yes, we know he’s mischievous and he’s a warrior and he’s a mage and all of that - but, he’s not quite a presence yet, not a force to be reckoned with. In later movies, Loki walks around with his sass and his antagonism and all of his mercurial energy on display no matter who doesn’t like it - but, before JOtunheim, it was all locked away.

And we know that Loki internalizes blatant jabs at him, such as Volstagg’s silver tongue turned to lead? and similar things, but what about moments that maybe weren’t jabs or mockery against him yet he interpreted them as something to be embarrassed about?

I’m thinking about the pre-coronation scene, and how uncomfortable it all is if you think about the entire thing from Loki’s perspective. Here he is, joking with Thor and trying to connect with him, and all he gets in return is jabs about his magic and overt mockery. He starts out on an uneven playing field. Thor makes his crack about “some do battles, others do tricks,” and the servant laughs.

Loki’s expression is so interesting here, because it’s as if he freezes - is this servant, this nobody, openly laughing at a prince of Asgard? - but then he collects himself within a fraction of an instant. He turns the wine to snakes, the servant is appropriately chagrined (but not, notice, punished in any way even though he could have been), and the moment passes.

Except it doesn’t really pass. It’s one of those little micro-aggressions that only fuels into Loki’s rage, simmering beneath the surface. And sometimes I think about how it contributed to how Loki might have felt during that entire exchange with Thor that follows: Loki’s been openly laughed at in front of Thor, Thor doesn’t stick up for him and only calls the incident “a waste of good wine,” and yet even so, Loki is perceptive enough to see that Thor is nervous.

And he decides to reach out. He gives Thor a very genuine, heartfelt, reassuring speech, ending with, “never doubt I love you,” and even though Thor looks touched and happy, he doesn’t return the sentiment. He just says, “Thank you.” As if Loki has done him a favor rather than tried to connect with him.

Thor gives Loki his patented neck-grab, yeah, but then he finishes it with a pat, like he’s rewarding Loki for his words. Not returning them. And I feel like that would have been additionally humiliating for Loki, in this kind of subtle way. I don’t feel like Loki expresses open emotion like that easily, and to open himself up to Thor only to have Thor simply acknowledge it as a favor without returning the feelings must have felt like even more embarrassment coiling in Loki’s core. I imagine his skin crawled with discomfort. 

I realize I’m not saying anything that hasn’t already been said before, but I think my point is that we focus a lot on how other people have humiliated and mocked Loki in various ways, but I don’t ever see too much about how Loki humiliates himself, in that incidents that other people may brush off are things that, due to his massive inferiority complex, Loki internalizes and hates himself for; things that maybe make him wake up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night because, oh god, remember that time I told Thor I loved him and he just said thank you?

You know? How many of us have those embarrassing moments that haunt us for years afterwards, things that everyone else has long forgotten about? It makes me wonder how many times it’s happened over the years, that Loki has done something or said something or made some error or whatever, and in reality it likely wasn’t that big of a deal or it wasn’t something anyone else dwelled on (although Thor was too wrapped up in himself to recognize Loki reaching out, I very much doubt he judged Loki for it or thought less of him or anything else; the embarrassment in that moment is in Loki’s mind, only) but, to Loki, it feels like the end of the world?  

It’s like he’s dragging a cart full of rocks behind him, and along the way, other people around him toss a few into it - hey, mind carrying this for me, Loki? You’ve got the cart anyway - and he smiles and says sure, sure, no problem, and doesn’t mention how his arms are beginning to hurt or his brow is sweaty. And along the way, every so often, he’ll pick up his own rocks to add to the cart until he’s struggling along, trying to keep moving despite the increasing weight of both his rocks and everyone else’s rocks, and then suddenly he’s focused so much on the cart that he doesn’t see the boulder that flies at him out of nowhere and slams him in the face and knocks him cold. It takes him down. The cart has tipped over and the rocks have spilled everywhere and, instead of trying to pick them up and right the cart, he just screams fuck it, and kicks the cart, and leaves all of the rocks out there, exposed to everyone, scattered in a mess every which way he looks.

He leaves them there, and from then on out, anytime someone says, hey, mind carrying this for me Loki? he sneers and says carry your own fucking rocks, and then whoever asked is insulted, like Loki is just a mean, terrible person. They’ve completely forgotten about all the rocks that spilled before.

And I think that’s pretty apt to describe how everyone thinks Loki is a villain without acknowledging both how hard they’ve been on him and how hard he’s been on himself, forever, without reprieve. It’s like Loki’s been set up to fail in every possible way, including with his own perception about how he’s treated.

The worst part is that I think that even though after Thor 1 and his fall, he’s very outwardly antagonistic and full of sass and all of the wonderful things that make him such a force to be reckoned with, there’s probably always going to be that little voice in his head that judges him for anything he does. That mocks him. There are probably things he still jerks awake from in the middle of the night - god, I can’t believe I even tried to talk to Thor about Odin’s lies - but instead of letting the rocks spill, he just … stifles them. Thor tries to talk to Loki later (in Ragnarok) and Loki doesn’t want to bother.

AoAいま３話まで読めた（解読）のですが、色々はっちゃけてて楽しい

そしてネイルがエロい、えっちだよ！

Exsqueze me? But are you talking trash about Darcy Lewis, Queen of Tasers?

It’s one thing to not want her in Ragnarok but she is one of the most complex female characters in a long time.

1) Darcy Lewis is the only character in any franchise that has any actual common sense.

At the beginning of Thor, Jane and Erik want to drive into a tornado but Darcy has enough sense to stand up to her friends and say no.

She only drives into the storm because Jane grabs the wheel, forcing her to turn.

Do you know how rare it is for any character to have even a shred of common sense? So few that the concept should be renamed rare sense.

I know I don’t have to scream at the screen for the character not to do the stupid thing because if Darcy Lewis is there, she has enough sense to tell people not to do the stupid thing.

How many other MCU characters can you say that about? If your answer is anyone other than Phil Coulson, you’re the one self inserting fan fiction.

2) Darcy Lewis is the only female character who UN-appologetically defends herself.

Thor, a man who is much larger and physically stronger, who could easily overpower two young women and a senior citizen, who seems drunk/on drugs, starts to act belligerent and hostile.

So she tasers him.

The scared woman trope has been used for eons: lone woman hears someone breaking in so she grabs a baseball bat/knife/feather duster to defend herself. The audience is scared for her safety because she’s a poor, helpless maiden and he’s a big, bad predator.

But we’re not scared for Darcy. Why? Because Darcy Lewis doesn’t second guess her instincts. She has the confidence to keep herself and her friends safe!

Later, at the hospital when Jane tries to deflect her own blame by pointing out that Darcy tasered him, what does she say?

Darcy Lewis is PROUD of her actions, she owns her decision to keep her friends safe from Schrodinger’s Rapist.

Our sexist society says that women should be nice, even to their own detriment but Darcy Lewis is an example of putting yourself and your own safety before men’s ego & comfort.

I hope that more women in the real world decide to take a page out of Darcy Lewis’ playbook.

3) Darcy Lewis speaks her mind.

You know you were thinking it. For once the everyman trope is played by a woman and she does a fabulous job of being the audience surrogate but let’s put that asside.

Darcy Lewis is honest and doesn’t care about society’s expectation that women should stroke an ego as if her life depended on it.

4) Darcy Lewis IS the backup plan.

Even though she’s a poli-sci major, Darcy decides to go for an internship in the “hard” sciences with Jane. Armed with nothing more than her common sense, bravery and honesty, Darcy decides to follow Jane to London.

At one point in Dark World, both Jane and Erik fall off the map and SHEILD doesn’t returning her calls. Darcy makes the most logical call in the history of the MCU!

Sidebar here: how many times did you ask why the Avengers never showed up in Iron Man 3? I bet it was more than zero.

Darcy is left to deal with the Convergence, an actual-sci problem, by her poli-sci self.

She doesn’t fall apart, she doesn’t let her male intern take over the decision making, she just goes about saving the world the best way she knows how.

Darcy finds Erik and hatches a plan to get him out of the hospital and when the battle starts she doesn’t run away to hide, she does her part.

5) Darcy Lewis is funny.

Men are funny and women laugh at their jokes. That is the pre-ordainded hierarchy of the world.

Only Darcy Lewis is having none of your chicanery. She is witty, sarcastic, dry, charming and knows she’s awesome. She doesn’t need your approval or support because at the end of the day she knows how to take care of business.