spooki

— Sylvia Plath, The Journals of Sylvia Plath

turned 15

5 years ago a kid

5 years hence an adult

never thought would make it

finally did

it is all the same

some things never change

yet I did

they say light is the swift

it is time

i grew

as the tree which stands tall

with the roots held in soila celebration

to be born to be live

cause life is so fickle

the blade can slit

a day where well wishes given to be born

to live

after all everyday seems like a chore

yet we make through it

The leaves rustle

As they say, we are reckless

Our glory is the bird's nest

And our lows are their escape

Why rest

When forever doesn’t exist

Why escape

when you are going to return

Left alone with patience

Yet we are impatient

Our leaves made the noise

For the winds blew

And the rains showered

Circumstances not to be blamed

But the trees

We bent, broke, tied

With the thoughts in our mind

Won many battles before the war

The enemy is the tree

To the tree

Once a sapling is nurtured and cared

Now left to be cared

Tally marks on our branches

Is it the count for

More to live

Or few to death

the branches broke

the wood-cutters cut

the wind bent me

my roots failed me

yet i am alive

the birds kept their song

alive

the fruits thrived

15 years so little

yet so much

more to come

9oz of freedom 9oz of regret

but I have 0 fucks left to give.

I appreciate the help

but you legally had

to provide it.

God damn did you

take every chance to remind me

to hold it against me.

Making me sick as fuck

taking help, receiving help, thinking I’m weak for taking help.

having me never wanting to ask for help

even if it pushed me to the extremes.

god be damned if I ever take help again.

I’ll owe no one and get through this life

On my own, on my own work, I’m my own failures, on my own god damn back.

you instilled the grind unknowingly causing

a bind in my mind to do nothing but find my own way even if it meant my own dismay.

i can’t appreciate my ride up in life always wondering when it will come down. Constantly having to stay ahead of life to keep me out of strife. I won’t go back, I can’t go back, I know nothing but the grind.

i’m convinced that the universe is working against me

because right when i’m no longer thinking of you,

you’re there again.

I was all alone I thought.

Nobody cared for me, while I was lost.

Never grew out of the bounds.

Lost in the dark bushes covering my heart.

Comforting my mind about the long days and the depressing nights.

But,

I was wrong.

Wronged by my own heart, My very own mind.

I got to know I had to care.

Care for me for someone else.

Miles apart, those long roads, long distances, or the yearly gaps.

I will cross them all, all these to get too close.

Again, like, I liked to get held, held up close.

Who knew? I never knew I meant so much.

I was informed I was a prized possession as such.

I have finally found peace.

Although I dream,

I also accept the reality of what is.

I cannot delude myself of the truth

that my soul hungers for as much

as for the dreams it breathes.

I am just leveraging myself

in between so I can see

clearly what is around me.

And oh, how I see!

Something I felt till now was about

How much pain my heart has borne.

I didn't see what I was left with.

Though I felt the immense pain,

Though my heart got broken,

God saved my soul, saved it from everything I got depressed from.

I'm working on myself, working on everything that I could preserve.

My memories, my strength, with a new form of thinking, improving myself each day, so that I can be who I want to be.

I wanna change everything in me.

Not for anyone.

For myself.

For my growth.

For only, and only myself.

To listen to me once again for my own sake.

I'm cradling my bits and pieces to preserve my soul.

I love you

but not like I thought I would.

I thought I would love you

like I love sunshine

or tall trees

or things that look like faces.

I thought I would love you

like old buildings

with big windows

full of air and light

and stories.

But I don't love you

not like that.

I don't even love you like

water,

like desperate burning need

like something I can't live without.

Like a lonely soul

snapped tethered to its equal

for the first time

in this lifetime.

I thought

our love would be soft,

like falling asleep

after the world took too much

during the day,

and you fill yourself up

in your lover's arms.

But this love has been brutal.

It has left me with memories

too detailed and

sticky-wet with tears.

The fear in your eyes

when you thought I would say it,

or the muscles in your arms

straining

to keep me at a distance.

I love you

like the pain of a pin-prick,

or an ache

I can't get rid of.

Like a grazed knee

that teaches you

not to run that fast again.

And I hate you,

like a habit

that I cannot do without,

for making me love you

without trying

without wanting

323 from my new book

I was all alone I thought.

Nobody cared for me, while I was lost.

Never grew out of the bounds.

Lost in the dark bushes covering my heart.

Comforting my mind about the long days and the depressing nights.

But,

I was wrong.

Wronged by my own heart, My very own mind.

I got to know I had to care.

Care for me for someone else.

Miles apart, those long roads, long distances, or the yearly gaps.

I will cross them all, all these to get too close.

Again, like, I liked to get held, held up close.

Who knew? I never knew I meant so much.

I was informed I was a prized possession as such.

i love you as somebody i am telling you my truth

I don't want to regret saying it

i love you i love you madly

please

don't use me as a second choice

really love me

really marry me

I want you to be with me

that you love me like young lovers

please

I beg you don't use me as a puppet

love me and i will love you the same but please

I don't want to cry every time you look at it

please don't leave me in my pain come back and kiss me with true love

please.. 🌺