I'm trying something here

the black hole's center of gravity

(and a more canonical monochrome version below!)

She claims that she's supportive of me and shit. But she is also clearly trying to hint to me that she thinks I'm actually a lesbian. She keeps on asking me questions about my sexuality, asking if I've ever thought about it. A few months ago she talked about having me meet a family member that has "the same hairstyle" as me, then I met said family member in question and she's a stereotypical butch lesbian. A few days ago, when she forced me to have another fucking discussion about my identity, she said people probably just thought I was gay, and then gave me this look like she was expecting something from me. After that she says "it's okay if you like girls." After I met my lesbian family member my mom talked about how nobody in the family has a problem with having a lesbian family member. It's all just pissing me off.

I've never identified as a lesbian, even before I realized I was trans. The thought never once crossed my mind. Before my mom knew I was trans she never was this pushy about my sexuality. In my mind my sexuality is none of her fucking business, she has zero right to know nor does she need to know. But since she had nothing but bad experiences with the men she dated, when she was pregnant with me she "prayed over her belly" that I'd be a lesbian. So I think in her mind she thinks I'm actually just a confused lesbian, because she prayed to God or some shit that I'd be one. Even though that's not how shit works.

"Have you thought of your sexuality any," yes I fucking have, like 8 years ago when I was in middle school. But you wouldn't know that because you got weird about me giving my characters sexualities and listing them on their character sheets, so I explored those feelings on my own without consulting you. She wants me to talk about this shit with her sooooo bad, but her window to do so closed nearly a decade ago, and now she's too late.

More ranting because I might as well. Talking about my transness is so uncomfortable with her, I hate it so much. Sometimes it ends in me being more dysphoric than I previously was. Her knowing has only made it worse for me. Thanks to her I'm hyper aware that my binder doesn't get me flat enough, a fact that I was aware of but I thought it did a well enough job, but now it's no longer good enough since she's pointed it out. Along with that, I think she has convinced herself that I'm trans because of trauma. I've told her it wasn't trauma, but she keeps on making comments on how she made me "traumatized of femininity." Often her examples include how she handled my hair when I was younger, or the time period she forced me to be feminine when I wanted to dress more masculine when I was younger. Before I realized I was trans, she asked me if I was ever sexually assaulted, because in her mind there would be no other reason why a "girl" wouldn't want to dress femininely other than being sexually assaulted.

Don't get me started with how she treats the idea of me medically transitioning. She told me that I should go to therapy and work through my trauma before "doing something permanent" like "chopping off your chest" or bottom surgery. I think she described these more violently than this, but I was too pissed off and dissociating to remember the specifics. Also at some point during the conversation she said something that implied that she thought my dysphoria wasn't real and was just something the Internet made me think I have.

I just hate this so much. My mom forces these discussions on me, because in her mind it's her right to do so. She doesn't care about how I feel about this, she just wants to stroke her own ego. And I can't do anything about this because I'm dependent on her currently, and I rather her not throw a huge fucking fit over me daring to have a dissenting opinion. Because that means I'm the one in the wrong, that I'm being mean and hurting her feelings, and that I'm breaking her boundaries according to her.

God, I wish what I planned to do would've been what happened. I wanted to become financially independent and be on testosterone for a bit before I ever came out to anyone in my family. But then my mom threatened to take my phone and wifi away from me, which would've cut me off from my friends and also prevented me from doing my online college work. Just because she wanted me to tell her something I didn't want to, and I had to force myself out to her just so my access to my friends and education wasn't taken away from me. My mom loves telling me that I'm an adult now, but she doesn't treat me like one. She thinks I'm a confused child who doesn't actually know who he is. She thinks she knows me better than myself, but I'm never truly myself when I'm around her. I'm a fucking husk of a human being when I'm in her presence, because that's the only way I know how to deal with being around her. But yeah sure, she totally knows my gender and sexual identities better than me, despite me never starting any discussion about either willingly with her. Not like she's spent years denying both when I was younger, and now continues to do so in a different font.