spicy.book.brain

not the Starbucks hate sex 😭😭😭😭😭

i see it luna.... they have an established agreement that if something goes wrong during the day, they can take it out on each other.

shane missed the final shot that would've won them the game, so he goes home and rides ilya so hard he truly thinks he's gonna pass out.. and shane is scratching all down his chest and leaving massive, painful looking hickies and ilya is just groaning "yes, yes moya lyubov. take it all out on me. i want to wear your anger on my body, make it hurt sweetheart"

and ilya had a bad mental health day and spiraled a bit but shane gets home and so without a word he's bending shane down onto the kitchen counter and pounding shane like he'll die without it

Ilya wins his first awards and hes got nobody he really wants to thank after his team and coach cause he he hates his family but he knows his speech is too short so on impulse he goes "And I want to thank Shane Hollander for being slightly worse than me this season". Everyone knows it was going to one of those two, so everyone thinks hes an asshole to say that but whats new so it works for him. But from then on it then becomes a bit for both of them to thank each other in their speeches in a snide way as a reason they won.

Shane winning the Art Ross Trophy (Awarded to the player who leads the league in total points at the end of the regular season). and going "special thanks to Rozanov for missing at least 5 shots this season, he was a huge help"

Ilya winning the Conn Smythe Trophy (Awarded to the most valuable player for his team in the playoffs.) "Just want to give a quick shout out to Hollander for getting knocked out in the second round this season. Must hate to see me up here."

You ask when this started and Mister Dickhead makes sure Shane is accurate about when they started this. How dare you stave off half a year of us, Shane?

You ask if they talked to Scott Hunter and Ra Ra Rasputin says that he, famous asshole extraordinaire went to talk to Patron Saint of Hockey Gays to offer him congratulations.

You ask if he has no loyalty to Boston and Mr Fucking Fuck San Francisco is like. Nyet

and then in ep 2, shane keeps ilya at arm’s length for two years for reasons (fear, shame, guilt, you know, the shane hollander experience™) but when he finally does let ilya back in/allow himselfs to give in to his own desires, ilya’s approach to him changes. he’s been “aggressive” in his pursuit of shane but once they’re together, he softens. he remembers how anxious shane was, he’s coming off chasing and goading him for two years, and while he still teases shane and is his usual cocky self, which he knows shane is not put off by, he’s treating him with a lot more care. he let’s shane set the pace again and he checks in even before they start because this time, he doesn’t assume that they’re on the same page. he makes sure they are and it isn’t until he has confirmation does he start going further. and i think ilya takes his time prepping shane, probably more than he might have in nashville, and makes it his mission to make this experience as comfortable and pleasurable as possible for him, makes sure that he feels safe and seen and taken care of.

and this time, they start face to face. which arguably creates another layer of intimacy that possibly wouldn’t have been there in nashville. ilya repeatedly checking in might not just have been him being a good partner but also his understanding of shane and how he wants to ensure that he’s not assuming something again and might end up being wrong because he really does want shane to have a good experience, a safe and enjoyable first time.

it goes to show just how much thought he’s put into this this early on in their relationship and how much this informs shane’s perception of him. because as much as shane is masc4masc, jock4jock, hyper turned on by ilya being his hockey equal, im inclined to believe that if shane hadn’t felt (sexually, emotionally) safe with ilya, he wouldn’t have felt as attracted to him.

My argument is that feelings and emotional attachment between Hollanov develop earlier in the show, as compared to the book, and that this works better for the TV show than a more faithful translation. Unfortunately, we have these word of god statements that color our perception of what’s real, but it doesn’t matter if something was on purpose or not, it doesn’t matter that they weren’t supposed to kiss so sweetly after their first sex scene at Shane’s apartment or in the stairwell, what matters is that it was sweet. Full of feeling. Desire for attachment. Curiosity. Not love yet, but a fondness that was maybe not there yet in the book.

I also think of the Vegas bathroom scene. Hudson has spoken about it at length, and we know a lot of his own thoughts and interpretations went into that scene. The feelings are there. The feelings are there because of the six months of silence, not in spite of them. Rozanov gave Hollander a taste of tenderness, of thorough and connective sex, and then took it away. Shane wanted it all to continue, not to develop more feelings or get into a relationship, neither of them were ready for that yet, but he wanted more encounters. He wanted to feel that way again. So when Ilya is cold after the penthouse hook up, Shane reorients himself. They can have sex, but that’s all it is. Which of course is why the tuna melt aborted overnight throws him so much. He thought they weren’t doing this. He thought they couldn’t possibly do this.

There is also very little “omg I hate him” in the show compared to the novel, meaning that the rivalry is presented as mostly external, whereas in the book they are definitely more exasperated with each other in their internal monologues. The show replaces this with playfulness and an increased sense of yearning (the two year gap in the beginning of episode 2), which again is more likely to have happened if both parties are attached, not just horny. Ilya can get laid anywhere. He wants Shane. Physically, for sure, but he also just wants another piece of him. To talk to him again and see if he’ll let him in more.

I don’t want to minimize that they start off with a physical relationship or downplay that by saying they were secretly in love the whole time, that’s not my jam at all. I don’t like love at first or soulmates. But they wanted each other pretty holistically from the get-go, and things would always deteriorate when one of them withdrew. Even in the first hook up after the commercial, they are giggling and high on endorphins until Shane is like “you can’t tell anyone.” If either of them had more emotional intelligence at this point they might have just hung out in Shane’s room. Talked. Fucked around again and maybe watched a movie. Been friends.

because listen. this show is doing something deranged and intentional with their dynamic and my college-fried brain has latched onto it like a raccoon with a shiny object.

there is a VERY clear D/S dynamic here and what’s destroying me is how easy it is for Shane to fall into subspace around Ilya. not dramatic. not flashy. just quiet, body-first, nervous-system-level giving up control.

Shane doesn’t decide to submit. his body just does it. shoulders drop. voice softens. he stops over-explaining, stops managing the room, stops being sharp around the edges. there are scenes where his eyes go unfocused—not dissociated, just turned inward. like his brain clocks out and leaves his body in Ilya’s hands. which is INSANE.

and it happens SO FAST.

around literally anyone else Shane is coiled tight like a spring. around Ilya? one look, one low voice, one hand near his neck and he’s already halfway under. no resistance. no second guessing. his nervous system recognizes safety before his brain catches up. which is terrifying actually.

and the show is so subtle about it. it’s all physical. Shane’s eye line drops. he leans instead of standing straight. he lets Ilya guide him—not force, not command, just redirect. half the time Ilya doesn’t even have to say anything. he just positions himself and Shane follows. THAT is submission built on trust, not weakness.

and Ilya. oh my god. Ilya is SO normal about it.

not creepy. not possessive. not smug. he clocks Shane’s state immediately and adjusts without calling attention to it. he slows things down. he grounds him. he takes up space for Shane. there’s this recurring thing where the softer Shane gets, the stiller Ilya becomes, like he’s anchoring the entire scene so Shane doesn’t float away.

and the narrative never treats this as a problem!!! Shane isn’t “losing control,” he’s resting. the show allows him that release without punishment or embarrassment and lets Ilya be dominant in a way that’s restrained, gentle, and deeply competent.

it’s D/S without labels. it lives in micro-movements and timing and care. dominance as containment. submission as finally being able to stop holding everything together. I am unwell about it.

AND THEN there is the TIMELINE of Shane learning how to fall and it’s ruining my already shitty GPA.

episode one.

THE WATER BOTTLE SCENE. they have known each other for like an HOUR. Ilya tells Shane to drink and Shane immediately does. no joke. no hesitation. AND he looks at Ilya while doing it, like he’s checking for approval. hello??? they just met???? that’s already bonkers.

and then the good stuff teaching scene where Shane isn’t just learning, he’s yielding. his focus goes soft. his posture changes. his body is listening harder than his brain. this is Shane subconsciously learning: if I let Ilya lead, things feel better.

episode two. the bathroom scene.

this is where my brain fully short-circuits.

months of Ilya not answering. Shane is angry, confused, barely holding it together, clearly close to tears. he needs Ilya. and the second Ilya realizes that, he delivers. immediately. he doesn’t deflect or pull away. he asks Shane to ask—to beg—and Shane just DROPS. head first. no hesitation. eyes unfocus, body drifts, he’s so deep that Ilya has to physically keep his head upright. like Shane is GONE gone.

and Ilya knows. he knew exactly what Shane needed in that moment: connection. grounding. permission to fall apart safely. the competence of that is actually offensive.

episodes four and six are where Shane’s body just fully gives the game away.

he keeps dropping to his knees. almost desperately. like his body has decided this is where it’s okay. where it’s quiet. where it can breathe. he’s so comfortable there that Ilya has to literally hold him in place to keep him standing. like “no, not right now,” and Shane just lets him. because he trusts him that much.

and then episode six with Shane’s father catching them absolutely kills me.

everything is tense. everything hurts. they’re planning what to do. and Shane just crouches against Ilya. doesn’t ask. doesn’t explain. just goes where his body feels safest. and Ilya doesn’t even blink. he just caresses Shane’s head and lets him settle. no correction. no commentary. just I’ve got you.

AND THEN. THE ELEVATOR SCENE. I AM LOSING IT.

after Shane leaves from meeting Ilya and something is off. not wrong-wrong, just unfinished. no kiss. not enough aftercare. which hurts EXTRA because Ilya is usually amazing at meeting Shane’s needs. and Shane feels the lack immediately.

so in the elevator he softly bonks his head against the wall. over and over. not self-harm. grounding. trying to stay present. trying not to drop now that the connection got cut too fast. that is SUCH a real depiction of sub drop it makes my sleep-deprived brain want to scream into a pillow.

anyway. it’s 2am. I have an assignment due this week. hollanov has eaten my brain. this show is doing slow-burn nervous-system D/S storytelling and letting Shane learn that it’s safe to fall, and Ilya will catch him.