* / change ur mind

         she wants to protest, to argue that he’s so clearly scared and tell him it’s okay so he won’t be ridiculous and face his fear with absolutely no preparation. but words fail her, and instead she follows spencer into the box she was so excited to walk into with no objections. he doesn’t want to talk now, so though it hurts addie to see him like this, she respects him enough not to force an unwanted conversation. and then … magic. one hundred and three stories above the ground, addie lets out a breath she didn’t realize she’d been holding and grins at the sight in front of her — upset or not, she can’t deny that it’s wonderful. it’s something out of a dream. ‘ wow, ’ she breathes, and then adelaide feels spencer taking her hand. again, she doesn’t protest, only this time she looks over to give him a small smile — a peace offering, a silent i forgive you, so we can enjoy this moment. addie sees his eyes drift downwards, though, and she can’t help herself — wanting to help is in her nature, so before addie can think her actions through, her free hand comes to tip his chin up to avert his gaze from the drop below and turn it on her instead. ‘ hey, don’t, ’ she gently warns, ‘ you’ve barely looked at the skyline, silly. you’ve got to take it all in. there’s so many things to see, ’ and they both know addie doesn’t really care much about the chicago skyline, but her words aren’t empty — she cares about him, deeply, and is concerned about what would happen if spencer were to look down right away. one step at a time, she thinks to herself.

he knew addie meant well; that her soft hand and gentle words, directing him toward the skyline, were meant to distract and calm him. unfortunately, it only took one look. one look down and that floating feeling disappeared. now it felt like falling. the queasiness came first, the lightheadedness following shortly after. before he could feel too overwhelmed, spencer decided to shut his eyes altogether and unintentionally tightened his fingers around hers — as if she was the only thing holding him up. in his head, ‘ fuck the skyline ’ was on a loop. but as he stood there is his own darkness, he realized he was missing out on one of the only things that could bring a smile to his face. so he brought himself back into the moment and took in the most beautiful view in front of him. then, he turned to see what she was smiling at. huh, skyline didn’t look half bad either.

        first came concern. the knot in her throat when she felt like something was off with him, that he wasn’t being his sarcastic, teasing self as much as he usually was. a single, halfhearted joke — that had been it, and that wasn’t him. then came realization. the reason he was off — fear. he was scared of heights, and the two of them were about to step into a glass box over a hundred stories high. he’d accepted an invitation to push his fear to the limit, and he was understandably afraid. and apparently, from what adelaide had gathered, in denial until the last moment. she sees him visibly flinch when she makes that stupid, obvious question. painfully obvious. and concern comes rushing back to addie, and so does worry, and empathy, and guilt. too many feelings than she knows how to handle, all at once, and all she can think is oh no, oh no, oh no. her mind goes blank, and all the emotions rush to wrap a hand around her throat or squeeze her stomach, or sting her eyes — overly emotional, addie has to look away from spencer for a moment to keep herself from crying from how mad at herself she is to have put him in such a situation. but then suddenly, like a slap to the face, it’s shock. ‘ what ? ’ her mind is reeling. she doesn’t understand — all the confusion boils down to a single emotion. she’s hurt. it shows in her wide, glossy eyes, now staring directly into his. in the small step she takes, away from spencer. in the fact that rather than spew some optimistic, motivational speech about how fear is human and okay and absolutely reasonable, and how she’s here for him and will be there through it all if he wants to go through with it, addie’s frozen in place. her world has just slowed to a halt, and for one horrible moment of hurt and confusion, she doesn’t know what to do.

a normal person might have acknowledged the hurt on the girls face. a normal person would have admitted guilt, would have apologized immediately for finding the brightest light in the world and snuffing it out. but it was common knowledge that spencer wasn’t normal. that he was a selfish, emotionless, stone cold prick. though he did feel bad, way deep down, showing that to addie would only encourage her to keep trying to get him to talk about his feelings. and who would spencer be if he started such nonsense? so he did what pricks do. he ignored her big doe eyes, the ones with tears brimming. he ignored her lips that trembled. “ you’re wrong. you want to go in the fucking box, so let’s just go already. ” and with that, he was walking past her, his hand gripping her arm and practically dragging her along. and his first thought, upon stepping in that glass box? like floating. addie’s voice echoed in his head in the same giddy tone she’d been using all morning. his hand naturally released her wrist and gravitated down, lacing his fingers with hers. but then he looked down.

the brunette was always up for a fight but right now she wasn’t in the mood for one. she was hungry and ready to get back to the house as soon as possible. she could make the trip alone but the fate of the world made spencer her roadside buddy. she had to think back to everything she did wrong in her life. there were a lot of things but nothing amounted to being put in this situation. she caught the keys even though they were way out of her line of sight. typical move for spencer to make. he couldn’t have just handed them to her. that’d be something too extreme. her eyes rolled as she moved to the driver’s side. there was a store not far from the house so this would be done soon enough and stella could go back to ignoring the male the rest of the trip. “oh, goody for me.” she fake smiled, adjusting the seat and mirrors to her liking but keeping an eye on spencer and his movements. the moment the music started, stella felt her entire body cringe. this was going to be a bigger struggle than she thought. “that’s dangerous.” she quipped as her eyes caught a glance of his position next to her. “not that i care much but most car accident deaths come from someone being crushed on impact.” again, she didn’t care. or did she? it was in the air. her shoulders shrugged and soon enough the van was in reverse. 

spencer knew that deep down, no matter what she said, stella cared. she wasn’t really as cynical as she would like to be perceived. at least, that wasn’t the stella he thought he knew. so when she began her sentence stating the opposite, he couldn’t help but laugh at her. suddenly spencer was sitting upright in his seat, not because of her warning, but because he just loved to fuck with her. he leaned over, his face far too close to hers for comfort, and used his index finger to poke her right in the side of the head. “ there some kind of encyclopedia in this noggin of yours? ” he teased. “ don’t worry stellabella, ” he continued, using his favorite nickname for her. obviously, it was only his favorite because it was one she detested. “ i can’t die. if i did, who else would be around to drive you insane? ”

         the arms around her are a welcome presence, and she spends most of the line gently tracing patterns on the back of one of spencer’s hands as a way to contain her eagerness. if it were up to her, she’d be raving about how excited she is to get on the ledge. it’s nothing like she’s ever seen before, a calculated thrill that addie’s excited for. yet something feels off in the atmosphere, and she can’t put a finger on what it is until they’re close enough to peek out the window at those already in the box and spencer’s arms are no longer around her. usually, she would’ve shrugged it off — but then adelaide hears him whisper something barely audible, and turns around to a sight she thought she’d never see. spencer, showing clear signs of fear. she’s dealt with enough patients when interning in hospitals to easily recognize the look of panic on a person’s face, to know when someone needs her reassurance. adelaide’s immediately concerned, because this isn’t a stranger in a hospital — it’s her friend, who doesn’t look nearly as excited as she does but rather like he’s about to pass out at any given moment … and suddenly it hits addie and concern is replaced by realization as she asks a question she already knows the answer to. ‘ spencer … are you scared of heights ? ’

nothing could have prepared spencer for the look that addie gave him once she realized the truth. and worse than that? the feeling he got in this pit of his stomach as she asked the question they both already knew the answer to. he flinces at the pity in her voice, the way her eyes go wide with worry for him. this was not what he signed up for. his mouth opened but nothing came out. still, the redness of his face and the way his eyebrows scrunched together should have told her everything. he looked past her, where the skydeck attendant was trying to get his attention. ‘ next. you guys are up. ’ spencer tightened his fingers into fists and nodded, eyes flickering back to addie who was still looking at him like she wanted to help him. he’d rather jump from the top of the tower they were in than ever accept help from anyone. “ do i look like a pussy to you? ” he spat, the words coming out sharper than he intended. well... he couldn’t take them back now.

“ I have all that I need to make today a great day ”the sounds of the youtube video echoed around the shared living area. “I am a powerful creator. I create the life I want and enjoy it.” jabari took a deep breath as he shifted his body from the lunge twist into an open hip downward facing dog. he twisted his ankle in the air, letting out a breath as he pushed his body into scorpion. his feet pointed downward as his body bent in a c-form. “I choose to think positively and create a wonderful and successful life for myself.” jabari repeated the mantra as he slowly flipped himself over to a standing position. finishing his morning yoga routine in a simple tree II pose. he took a deep breath, smiling and completing his mantra “I am valuable and will make powerful contributions to the world today.” jabari took a deep breath a closed his eyes, centering his chakra flow to his stomach, visualizing it slowly pushing through his pressure points and giving his body strength. not thinking about how weird it was for someone to be doing yoga in the middle of a living room – while alexa played ocean atmospheric sounds and an iphone propped up on a plant playing a positive mantra. jabari felt another presence in the room so he smiled brightly and turned “morning!! I heard this lil’place in chicago sells real good bavarian rye sunflower bread if ya’ wanna join me”  

spencer was trying to sleep in for as long as possible, but even his ear plugs couldn’t drown out the sound of jabari’s morning yoga routine. there was no use in pretending he could go back to sleep once the other boy was finished; once he woke up, he was up for good. with a deep sigh, followed by several grumbled profanities, spencer rolled out of his bed and picked up yesterday’s shorts off the floor. he gave them a sniff, decided they weren’t too ripe, and pulled them on. jabari was twisting his body in some ungodly way when spencer entered the room, but he decided to bite his tongue. he popped into the kitchen of the airbnb and raided the cabinets for anything complimentary as the youtube video carried on about thinking positively. admittedly, not spencer’s strong point. a box of strawberry poptarts was tucked away behind some granola bars, with a sticky note slapped on the front that read not for guests. he chuckled that someone honestly thought that would stop him, and ripped into a package. the annoying voice coming from jabari’s phone seemed to be concluding it’s speech as spencer made his way back into the living room. a grimace found it’s way to his lips as the other boy mentioned the overly complicated bread. taking a bite of his poptart, spence gave his response with crumbs flying from his mouth. “ thanks, but i prefer my bread made from roses. ”

there were two things in life that stella hoped to avoid for the rest of it; interacting with spencer and moving back in with her parents. it wasn’t that she was bitter about his infidelity during their relationship but the one time she was trying to be serious, he flaked out. she wasn’t heart broken. she had moved on pretty quickly, bedding someone else the same night. she didn’t need him and she definitely didn’t want to see him now. or be in the same car with him. in this case, she was forced to speak with him and listen to his terrible choices in music. her eyes rolled at his question, holding out her hand for the keys. as if it was a choice that she wouldn’t be driving. “give me the keys. we’re not going to wrestle over them.” they weren’t children and stella wasn’t really up to fight. though she did owe him a nice punch in the face for the bonfire. 

he didn’t feel like putting up a fight, that would only delay the task he wanted no part of. besides, he had been doing a lot of driving lately, what with the liquor runs and traveling through states. why not relax in the van for a change? he tossed the keys and hopped into the passenger seat, not bothering to see if he aimed properly. without hesitation, spencer was reaching for the aux cord and plugging it into his phone. “ works out then, i get to play what i want, ” he boasted, scrolling through his spotify. one good thing that came from their history was knowing exactly what stella liked — and what she despised. finally he landed on a playlist that was sure to make her ears bleed; effectively bringing spencer more pleasure than their nights in bed together. he made a point to lean his seat way back, always being one for the dramatics. to top it off, he crossed his arms behind his head and propped his feet up on the dash. “ ready when you are, captain. ”

Only Spencer’s voice could lure Christian from the blackhole of painstaking reverie. He turned to face his friend, a soft chuckle falling from his mouth when he saw the beer he offered. Christian nodded his thanks as he took a bottle, then held it out to Spencer for a dull, lifeless excuse for a clink. “I’ll drink to that. It’s whatever, man, she was probably more torn about it than I was. Some people don’t want to kiss the devil, go figure,” he said, trying to shrug it off. Knowing now that Spencer remembered exactly what he’d done, Christian wondered if he remembered how he and Sofia both reacted to the bottle’s choice. Had Christian really exposed two people last night? The angry tango between his hangover and crushing self-loathing almost made Christian feel guilty. Almost. For good measure, he added, “And we were all wasted.”

spencer clinked his bottle with christian’s, not failing to notice how half hearted the cheers was before taking a long drink. he chuckled at his pal’s words, thinking back to sofia’s horrified reaction the previous night. one thing he couldn’t help but remember was christian’s reaction, too. it matched sofia’s almost identically, the same disgust flickering in his eyes as he watched the bottle land on him. he wondered if he should bring it up, since it seemed pretty obvious that christian was ready to deflect that conversation. he really didn’t need to be on his best friend’s shit list, especially if adelaide decided to blabber about their day at the sky deck. that might just send him over the edge. so he kept quiet, taking another sip of his beer, until he figured the best thing to do was agree. “ yeah, poor sofia, ” he said, shoving his friend playfully. “ and you’re right, i doubt anyone remembers a damn thing. i hardly do. ” it was a bold faced lie, but a necessary one. right?

it wasn’t until after stella agreed to go on the trip that she immediately regretted her decision. she hadn’t dated much in college but the few times that she did, it didn’t really work out for her. mainly because she was scared of relationships and the future and if spencer hadn’t fucked it up, she very well could have. the bonfire turned out to be better than she expected, except for the moment when spencer decided to be childish. not that it was anything new. he was always childish but those moments were over the top. thus far, she had tried her best to ignore him and his annoying self but in the moment, she definitely couldn’t. she supposed it was fair that everyone took turns doing errands but seriously anyone but spencer. her head shook as she heard his words. a scoff left her lips as her eyes rolled. “your luck? were you dropped on your head recently?” she lifted a hand to stop him from speaking. “don’t answer that. i already know the answer.” hands flew to the top of her head, threading her fingers down the short bob. “let’s go on with this.” 

spencer chuckled at stella's response and the hand she threw in his face. was he actually about to go through with this? when agreeing to this trip, he never imagined it would include being alone with her again  — let alone leaving the airbnb side by side, on their way to pick up a dozen personal deep dish pizzas. the hostility between the pair was no doubt a result of their recent split. in all honesty, it was spencer’s fault that their fling had ended ... let’s just say, not so amicably. it might have had something to do with spencer referring to it as a fling instead of what it really was — a relationship. yeah, no way he was ever admitting to that one. it probably also had something to do with him treating it as a fling. in other words, not being as monogamous as he should have been. but stella wasn’t completely innocent in it either, that was for sure. so why should spencer take shit from her and not dish it out? “ well, sweetcheeks. who’s driving? ” he asked when they made it to the van outside. 

          the line starts moving forward at a steady pace, and each step forward only makes addie’s smile grow. she’s beaming by now, radiating excitement, and counting the seconds left until it’s her turn. she tilts her head slightly, enough to look him in the eye when he practically declares that they’re going in together. originally, adelaide was just going to agree. however, his next comment catches her off guard and she turns away so a strand of hair blissfully blocks off her face long enough for the hint of rosiness on her cheeks to dissipate. addie fakes a soft laugh until she’s had enough time to come up with some kind of a comeback, and weak as it is, she goes along with whatever pops to mind first. ‘ actually, it looks like it’d be the other way around, so lucky you, ’ she teases as she gestures at the arms around her. yet rather than imply he should let go, addie does the opposite, slightly leaning into spencer and resting her hands over his arms. ‘ but sure, let’s go in together. it’s almost our turn anyways. ’ 

he couldn’t help but give a breathy laugh at her response. she had no idea just how right she was; spencer had no intentions of letting go of the girl once they were inside the box of doom, and it was definitely more for his sake than hers. he couldn’t believe her optimism most days, and today was no exception. addie was the only person he knew that would welcome something so terrifying, and considered it a pleasurable experience. thankfully, the pressure of her leaning against him provides a sense of comfort, and he sighs peacefully when she crosses her arms over his. maybe it won’t be that bad, he thought. they moved along steadily in the line, never letting go of one another, until they finally got close enough for spencer to realize just how wrong he was. he couldn’t help but pull away from addie, backing up out of instinct and subconsciously tugging his earlobe — a nervous tic that only revealed itself when his anxiety was at its peak. “ oh fuck no, ” he whispered, watching a group of kids jump inside the glass box. “ they’re literally jumping, do they have a death wish? ” his question was to no one in particular, because for a moment he had completely forgotten that he was with addie — and that he was supposed to be keeping his shit together for her.

          the elevator ride that takes them upwards is exhilarating. despite her awkward spot, tucked into a corner for reasons unknown to her, addie enjoys it. she even somewhat enjoys her brief conversation with the child who starts crying, which promptly causes her to bend down to their eye level and do her best to comfort them, pointing out sights and birds through the window. after a bit of chatting — and a gift of one of the lollipops she’d been keeping in her purse as a snack — addie feels like she’s done her best, and turns her attention back to their surroundings. ‘ wow, ’ she exhales, as she takes in the view. ferris wheels and the “ skyscrapers ” she’s visited in the past pale in comparison. this is what she imagines the world to look like from heaven. spencer’s hands on her shoulders, leading her to the line, are a welcome gesture that snaps her out of her daydream, and his question elicits a wholehearted, giddy laugh. ‘ you should get in trouble. this is a family location,’ she says, only half joking. ‘ isn’t this view just … incredible ? i can’t wait to get in the box. it’ll be like floating. are you going in with me or by yourself, by the way ? ’

he laughed at her response, never failing to be amused by her innocence. he knew flipping off the camera would likely void their photo, which meant adelaide wouldn’t get a photo of herself in the glass box, and that would just be cruel of him. she kept babbling on, and spencer thought that floating felt like the wrong word for it, though he would never say that to her aloud. “ we should definitely go in together, right? ” he asked. not wanting to give away his obvious need to definitely not be alone in that fucking box, he tried to think quickly of a good reason. “ that way, if we fall to our death, you’ll at least get to hold on to me on the way down. lucky you, ” he teased. by now, his grip on her shoulders had transformed to his arms all the way around her, his head resting on her shoulder from behind. he couldn’t remember how he and addie had gotten so close, but it probably had something to do with christian. who, by the way, would kill him for how he was hanging all over his cousin if he was here right now.

( @spenceco ) Christian wasn’t exactly happy with Spencer after he forced him to kiss Sofia last night, but at the end of the day even a Spencer who’d pissed him off was preferable company to most of the others in their group. The group had insisted on a rooftop bar that night, and moody as he was Christian figured alcohol couldn’t hurt him. He broke awake from their babbling friends and found a spot on the railing, his eyes sweeping over the city before him while his thoughts tumbled incoherently through his head. He was so lost in the turmoil that he didn’t even notice Spencer taking the spot beside him.

the hangover spencer had woken up with that morning was hanging on by a thread as they all climbed up to the rooftop bar. never one to turn down a drink, he didn’t let the headache stop him and took a few shots with the others before noticing that christian had separated himself from the group. he ordered two beers and carried them over to his friend, hoping it would count as a peace offering. one would assume that chugging four lokos would have killed spencer, at the very least make him black out, but unfortunately he remembered the bonfire’s events with full clarity. long story short, the vivid image of pushing christian and sofia’s lips together was replaying in his mind like a horror show. sighing, spencer decided to just say the only thing he could think of. “ i’m sorry, dude. really sorry. ”

         sky deck. even the name sounds magical. the pictures adelaide found online made it look like something a digital artist would create, some impossible concept rather than tangible reality she could step into. one hundred and three stories, the websites boasted, in a way that made addie impossibly giddy from the moment she read through enough ads (‌three ) to convince her that she wasn’t leaving chicago until standing in a glass case  1.353 feet from the ground. the number doesn’t even feel real, and by the time they’re at the entrance, addie’s bouncing on the heels of her feet. she’s only snuck a couple glances at spencer, and they’re enough for her to see that he’s not nearly as excited about this adventure as she is. then again, people don’t tend to match her excitement, and spencer has never seemed like the type to flash the biggest grin he can muster at the person who sells them their tickets and rush inside, counting down seconds until they’re there. so addie pays no mind to it as they enter the tower, she just lets her fingers encircle his wrist and tug him along behind her. ‘ come on, honey bun, hurry up ! we’ve gotta get the best view ! you can see everything from up here, it’s unbelievable, ’ she gushes, oblivious to the amount of anxiety rushing in the veins of the man next to her.

for a moment, spencer was distracted by the giddiness in her voice and the pet name that fell from her lips. he allowed her to drag him into the building, and immediately they were one with the large crowd. as they boarded the elevator, though, the uneasiness settled right back into the pit of his stomach. squeezing in with about fifteen other people, spencer made sure to put addie behind him so nobody would get any funny ideas. the last thing they needed was to get escorted out because spencer lost his shit on some guy getting handsy. about half way up his ears popped, and turned his head to see if addie had experienced it too. the smile on her face all but forced him to return one, and suddenly the kid next to them started crying. for some reason, it made spencer feel better. finally, they were stepping off the elevator and standing on top of the world — or so it felt. and that feeling? spencer would equate it with absolute terror. but it seemed like it was translating as outstanding to adelaide, so he kept his mouth shut and put his hands on her shoulders as they stepped into line again. giving them a squeeze, he bent over and whispered in her ear, “ think i’ll get in trouble for flipping off the camera? ”