Sparking The Fire

Hey, friends. I really fucked up. I accidentally deleted a product listing from Amazon, my best selling product, and lost all my search engine ranking when I had to re-add it. Amazon will not or can not restore it. Either way, I’m fucked. This is like a quarter of my income GONE in one small stupid mistake.

If anyone feels comfortable reblogging this link to help get my search engine ranking back, I would really appreciate it. Don’t feel obligated, I know this is weird, but I’m pretty desperate right now. 

I seriously hate learning lessons the hard way!

What challenges are happening in January?

I am so ready for @jumpstartjune16 !

I got my journal prepped and ready for tomorrow! I will do up week 3 to 5 checklists after the first short week in case I need to add or edit what I include.

I am going to do a page where I will put my before pics (measurement and yoga) and my stats (weight and measurements).

I am doing this for not the best reasons bit at this point I don’t care. I just need something to get me motivated.

I know I should be doing it for my life long health and for my kids etc.

But I’m doing it because I want people to look at me like I’m “enough”. People who don’t know me don’t look at me. I’m the tall, overweight, clothes are not high end or fitted, awkward girl. I know I shouldn’t care what they think. But when you live in a small town, these aren’t just strangers. I also see the looks on people when they haven’t seen me since I was running regularly and down to under 200 lbs. I see the disappointment and surprise (or not). So bad or not I want to get back to where I am esthetically appealing to look at to my local population. And since I can’t afford high end clothes, I need to get to a weight and size I am comfortable in no matter what I wear. I’m uncomfortable being around other people. It’s one big reason I didn’t sign up to be a parent chaperone for my son’s year end swim party. And if my hubby does take us somewhere warm this winter, I need to be pleasing to the eye. For my own comfort and his.

Sowing The Seeds Of Gratitude

Sowing The Seeds of Gratitude

What talent or skill do you have that you are grateful for?

I’ve always been very intuitive when it comes to other people. I can read people easily. I think because of that, I became a very mothering person because I knew how to connect with someone who was struggling and I knew what to say or to just listen to them. I know how to help people. 

Honestly one of my greatest joys is seeing other people succeed. Whether it’s physical, academic, emotionally, mentally; people are always trying to better themselves and I love watching people learn how to navigate their way to success. If I can be a pathway to help them get there, then that’s just the cherry on top. 

I think this is why I love teaching. I love children because they are very intuitive like me, and extraordinarily smart. Adults don’t give them enough credit. 

I guess the talent would be my ability to love endlessly. I have so much love to give to people that need it, whether it’s a friend, family, student, or stranger I have love to give to them. 

STSOG

I’m having a hard time feeling thankful today. There I said it! Let me preface this by saying that I am not looking for sympathy by posting this, it is how I feel in this moment on this day and I have sworn to myself that I would be honest here and about this journey of mine.

It’s going to storm here, without looking at the sky or the tv I can tell. I’ve thrown up twice and my head feels like somebody needs to Release a pop safety valves of let the pressure off. I ache in every joint, bone and muscle I have. My skin is on fire to the point where lying on a sheet is painful and my sight and hearing are extremely over sensitized today. These are some of the joys of this body I live in and some days are allot harder than others. Most days I can fight through the pain of this disorder I live with and just get on with whatever the day throws at me. After all I live each day only once so live it to its fullest.

I’m not typically a complainer or a negative person. Everyone has their crosses to bear and this is just mine. I was taught that no matter what life throws at you, just get up dust yourself off and keep walking forward. This mentality is what keeps me going most days. Some days are just really tough though. The exhaustion and pain of the fibromyalgia seeps in and my mind starts to falter allowing my long standing depression to creep in. The darkness starts to blacken the corners of my mind. This is a place I am all to familiar with, a place I once spent months living, a place I never want to return to. It’s a place where tortured thoughts live and soulless nameless people find ways to make me doubt myself and try to convince me that life is not worth living a place of no joy, only sadness and anxiety. These are the days that are harder than others. Where I have to work really hard to enjoy my life.

Today’s yoga practice focused on the mantra “I am grateful” which I felt was the perfect mantra for this activity.

I’m grateful for so much but today I’m particularly grateful to see how much I’ve grown as a person. Right now I’m looking at buying a condo or townhouse for when I move to Edmonton in August. I’ve never thought that it would be possible to own a house and I might be able to do so at 25.

I’m reflecting on this point 2 years ago when I was prepping to move out on my own for the first time and thinking about how much has happened and how much I’ve changed since then. I’ve managed to deal with some pretty terrible anxiety and depression, deal with a chronic illness, finish my thesis, switch my research, get into both PhD programs I applied to and got some great funding and those are just some of the HUGE things that have happened. I’m grateful that I’ve made it through the good times and the bad.

What friend/family member are you grateful for today?

I am grateful for all of the friends I have made here on tumblr. And even for the strangers. I sent a request out yesterday for my boyfriend, and all my friends and people I’ve never met opened their hearts and sent in messages with so much gratefulness and love for a person they’ve never even met. It made my heart swell with happiness and I showed all of the messages to him. He was incredibly humbled and grateful for the outpouring of love he received from strangers. 

So, today I am grateful for all of YOU. For all of the friends I have here. For all of the love you gave away to my boyfriend. 

I feel so blessed to have made the wonderful connections I have here.