I write to cope

but with him crowding into my space,

already leaning in

I felt I couldn't say no.

I didn't want to kiss him

but with our bodies already pressed together

I knew it'd make the moment awkward, uncomfortable

if I had said no.

I didn't want to kiss him

and now whenever I'm sat next to someone,

our bodies pressed together in a similar manner,

I feel sick to my gut, terrified

that it'll happen again,

scared I'll be forced to say yes to something I know I don't want,

feeling like I couldn't say no.

and fuck,

you sounded so in love

so what do you mean you weren't?

I told you I loved you

And I meant it.

You told me you loved me

But you didn’t mean it in the way you thought.

You told me after we broke up that for the past months,

You had only thought of me as a friend

And I’m fucking embarrased

Because I told you I loved you

And I actually fucking meant it.

to have someone love you so loudly is a wonderous thing,

for the love to be so present that to outside eyes it's visible?

oh how lucky I am to have such a thing.

I've had people hide their affections,

hide me,

as if loving me was a shameful thing,

as if I were a secret to be kept

so to turn around and see him there,

have those closest to me tell me they can see the love in his eyes?

oh how lucky I am to call him mine.

I don’t blame anyone, Or maybe I do. I think it’s unfair that I had to worry about my parents and a mortgage While my peers’ only worries were what toy they got to play with during recess.

I don’t blame anyone, At least I don’t think I do Because blaming people takes time and energy, Time and energy that frankly, I don’t have So I sit in my upset instead.

Maybe if I had the energy I’d blame the world for how it works. I’d never blame my parents, I know that much is true, But I’d blame the world, Blame the government, politicians But I don’t have the energy So I’ll sit in my upset, I’ll sit with my grief instead, The grief for what could have been.

Sometimes I wonder how one could claim that they care most about someone Yet befriend the person who was oh so cruel to them.

I don’t want to be the type who lays claims on others, The type who dictates who someone can or can’t talk to, And I hate my mind for its brief moments of wishing I was.

I hate when the jealousy sinks its teeth into any shrivel of self doubt it can find within my mind, And I hate when it latches onto my thoughts of you.

I thought I was ok with it, But now I often find myself fighting this internal battle whenever she is mentioned, Whenever I remember.

I fear the day I give in to it, The day I lose the battle to the jealousy swirling in my gut.

I fear what it would make me do, Would I lash out? Or would I just silently cut all my ties to you?

So I keep burying, praying that day never comes. I bury it, so I never expose you to the jealousy that sits at the tip of my tongue.

A younger version of me would look back and cringe, Embarrassed of who I had been But now I just look back with love for who I once was, A love I hold for who I am today.

I know that as I’ve grown, I’ve developed a kinder eye for myself, No longer judging so harshly, No longer filled with such shame towards them.

I’ve grown into a person I like, Healed parts of me I never thought I could, Feel content in the small circle I’ve built for myself Brick by brick.

I know I’ll still have my moments, The moments where the anxiety and jealousy mix into an awful concoction, Tinging every passing thought with misery, But they aren’t as frequent as they used to be. In fact, I can’t remember the last time it happened.

I am happy with where I am at, Happy with those I choose to surround myself with, Ok with letting go of the people who haven’t shown me that they want to be in my life.

Oh, how I have grown.

And it was just one little comment, one little “boo to them” after learning about it.

A few of my roommates and I were in the car, on our way home from the mall. I was sitting in the backseat with the roommate I’m closer with, and we were talking as we usually do. She was asking about my friends from school since they’re all either in different schools or different programs than I was. She had asked if I had seen any of them recently and when it got to that one friend, the one people used to say us not being together was an oddity, I had mentioned that I’ve barely seen or spoken to them since highschool aside from one hangout at the end of summer. I just left it at that, I didn’t mention my sadness or anger regarding it and yet I think she still picked up on it. Even if she didn’t, she still let there be a space for it. She brought up how my other best friend, who would be considered to be in a more work-heavy school and program, still took the time to hangout with me, even if they were infrequent. She even pulled out the statement “if they wanted to, they would.” 

I used to dream that I'd be a wife, I'd have a husband and we'd share our life.

I used to dream that I'd be a mother, and the man that I'd marry would be the best father.

I used to dream that I'd have lots of pets. some cats and some dogs, maybe even a rabbit.

I used to dream but this dream is not real. even if it could be, I don't know how I'd feel

If I were in that life maybe I'd learn to like it, but where I am at right now, I think I would just hate it.

now I just dream of travelling the world, there aren't any kids but maybe there's a girl.

now I just dream of travelling the world, maybe a cat or a dog but there's definitely a girl.

there won't be a husband, maybe I won't even be married, I don't know, but I know there'd definitely be a girl.

there'd be a girl.

I yearned for a sense of belonging as a child and due to that, I often find myself clutching to any semblance of friendship I find. But it gets exhausting constantly being the only one putting in the effort to keep a friendship afloat. It gets tiring when plan after plan falls through from their constant last minute cancellations. Saddening to not only feel the distance between you but also know people in your life see it too. It's frustrating to try so hard and put so much time and effort only for it not be returned in the slightest. It's upsetting to know you still give this person so much love and thought while not knowing if this person ever even thinks of you anymore.

It's tiring, I'm tired, I'm done.

I know I can't control how people feel about me, even my closest friends and family, and I've been making my peace with that fact. But I also know I deserve better than this, I deserve more effort than this, I deserve to know you still think of me as a friend.

Sometimes I wish you had wronged me in some horrible way, maybe it'd make things easier but alas, most things go quietly. Many friendships don't survive time. People grow apart, and I'm learning to let it be ok.

i feel like i'm constantly being waterboarded.

the second i realize i've been pulled up for air,

my head is immediately thrusted

back underneath the water.

the cycle continues,

not enough for me to die

but enough for my lungs to burn,

my eyes to sting of tears,

and my throat to be left raw.

enough to be drained of everything,

to live life as a shell,

but not enough to cause worry in someone else.