ms

Part of me wonders what would have happened had I gone home work you that night. How would I have felt the next day? How would you have felt once you sobered up?

My fear is that you would have moved on to the next person after you had gotten bored of me, leaving me with guilt and shame. My fear would have been how I came to terms with it, how would I have ever become clean again knowing I gave myself to a man whom I knew only wanted exactly what I gave him.

Either way I’m left unable to get you out of my brain, and I hate it. I hate missing your touch ever so slightly. I hate the tantrum you threw in public when you didn’t get your way the most. I’d apologize, but I should not have to feel bad for not feeling safe with going home with a strange man in an even stranger city. 

I feel like I’m still not doing anything of importance with my life, keeping busy and finally supporting myself with little to no fulfillment and what feels like little success. There was a time when I was passionate and driven, now everything I do is done so apathetically, and I hate it-- I no longer recognize myself and would do anything to get the me I fell in love with back again.